Life Before Cracked: Exploring the Comedy Websites I Used to Frequent

It’s been about four years since I first discovered Cracked.com. I don’t remember the exact date, but I do remember the exact article I read that made me take notice of the site. It was Ian Fortey’s article about awesome cases of Internet vigilantism. I knew I had been to the site before, but Stumbleupon had brought me back there. I ended up liking the article so much that I  decided to browse the website on my own. Then, I either read this story by Robert Brockway or watched this video by Michael Swaim and Katie Willert . I’m not sure which one I experienced first, so let’s say it was both of these that turned Cracked.com from “the funny site that I only kind of knew about,” to “The Greatest website ever why haven’t my shitty friends already been converted?”

And that basically did it. I’ve been a fan ever since. And just like a very persistent cult member, or a regular member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I’ve been spreading the word, and annoying the shit out of my friends with their articles ever since. I even stopped visiting the other websites I used to visit, because now Cracked filled just about all my other comedy website needs.

Eat a swarm of angry dicks, Buzzfeed

Eat a swarm of angry dicks, Buzzfeed

However, I am the kind of person who loves to go back through my old writings, jokes, or passtimes to see how I’ve progressed as a writer and as an overall human being (I may have been a bit quick to judge Buzzfeed up there). That’s what I’m going to do right now. So, below are comedy websites (or websites with comedy on them) that I used to frequent before Cracked came along and screwed everything up for them.

1. T-Shirt Hell

Ah, T-shirt Hell. I’ve known about this website  since 2003, which makes it the oldest comedy website that I visit. I remember my first shirt from there. It said, “What Would Jesus Do (for a Klondike Bar).” Over the ten years since my brother showed me that site, I’ve amassed a collection of 29 shirts. If you’ve ever seen a picture of me, then you’ve probably seen me wearing one of their shirts.

Like this picture from my Instagram:
IMG_0076

Or this one of me and my baby cousin Carter (who is wearing the T-Shirt Hell-Baby Hell shirt that I got for him):

Clearly, no one has ever taught me how to hold a baby.

Clearly, no one has ever taught me how to hold a baby.

Or this one where I display my patronage of Christmas and girl-on-girl action:
DSCN2425

What I’m getting at here is that I have a veritable fuck ton of these shirts, so part of the reason I stopped visiting there as often is because I really don’t need another T-shirt. Maybe ever. And since I’ve seen all the shirts that they have at least a thousand times, I think it’s a better use of my time to read dick jokes on Cracked.com and save paying attention to T-Shirt Hell whenever they send me a new shirt notification.

2. Stumbleupon

Stumbleupon was the biggest victim to my new found fan-ship of Cracked, which is particularly sad, since it was the website that introduced me to Cracked in the first place. A student I was tutoring introduced me to it back in November of 2008, and for the next, say, 10 months, I was Stumbling upon (Stumbleuponing?) random websites any time I was at a computer. Looking back, I was kind of like an internet hobo: riding the rails of Stumbleupon, traveling from website to website just looking for a laugh. You had to be a man back in those days. The only person who’s got your ass was you, and you could bet every penny remaining on your Amazon gift cards that that needle eyed bastard ShockerLovr69 was watching you, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on top of you and pound you with rape jokes. Sure, I’ve seen men die- many from my own hands. But I ain’t no killer. No, no, I’m a survivor. Killin’ meant that you lived another day on the Stumbleupon railway…
…Jesus Christ. What the fuck am I talking about?

These guys don’t know. Lousy Hobos.

Anyway, after I found Cracked, I stopped visiting Stumbleupon entirely. And other than that brief period 2 years ago when God had forbidden me to use facebook and I needed another way to waste my time, I hadn’t been back on the site since. That is until about two weeks ago. Now, I mainly use it in a not well thought out attempt to find inspiration to write. It never works. I honestly should never get back on the site since I know it’s going to waste my time, and I absolutely do not want that. But how else will I find out about the crazy awesome new green-homes that are featured on Dornob.com? And another thing- Stumbleupon, please stop taking me to the websites I already frequent. I know I liked articles from the Onion, Vice Magazine, and Cracked, but I go to those sites all the time now. Anything you try to show me, I’ve probably already seen. Take me to a site I haven’t been to yet. No, not the last page of the internet. You’ve shown that to me on three separate occasions. The novelty has worn off, and I think we both know that I’m going to continue browsing.

And while I’m on the subject of seeing the same thing over and over again…

3. The Cheezburger Network
I cannot honestly say that I was ever a “fan” of The Cheezburger Network so much as “prey to one of their joke traps on Facebook.” What would happen was someone I knew would post something from the site, and in my moment of weakness, my curiosity would get the better of me and I would click on the link. The next thing I’d know, it’s three in the morning and I’m on page 40 of Roflrazzi reading a photo comic involving Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey McGuire. So while my stupid friends still occasionally post pictures from that internet shit gutter, I’ve long since chosen to stick with my Cracked articles that at least teach me something other than how we English Majors get a little too worked up over the differences between “Your,” and “You’re” when there are far worse atrocities being wrought upon our beloved language.
Note: I didn’t actually visit The Cheeseburger Network at the time of writing this because I’m trying to have this post up before Christmas.

1. Acid Cow

Ugh, this was a dark time in my comedy life. I visited this site heavily during Stumbleupon’s reign on my free time, and Acid Cow was one of the sites it directed me to. Back then, I only ever visited the website so that I could find funny pictures to make into motivational posters. I’ve long since given up making those posters if favor of jokes that are actually funny. During the year or so that I made those posters, I crapped out about 230 of them, with only a handful actually being funny enough for me to be only mildly embarrassed by them. Here’s the funniest one:

Slut

And that picture isn’t even from Acid Cow. That’s one I took in New Orleans of my one time friend, Lady Gaga fan, and potential mass murderer, Lady Caggiano. So, I essentially wasted all that time searching through Acid Cow’s bottomless pic dumps looking for funny pictures, only to use those pictures in what I would describe now as the dregs of my comedy writing career. I guess I shouldn’t credit Cracked.com with me no longer visiting this site, as it was more of my own new-found hatred of Motivational posters that did it. But I’d like to give credit to Cracked.com anyway. Thank you Cracked! You saved me from a life of telling not funny jokes over pictures that could be classified as the “Two and a Half Men” of pictorial comedy. You wonderful people are heroes.

Some more than others

As I was writing this post, I moseyed over to Acid Cow for the first time in at least three years to see if I found any of the pictures in the pic dump funny. Out of the 79 pictures in that dump, one made me laugh. And that was of the new Wendy’s spokesperson (You know, the red haired nymph that magically appears only to gloat over random people’s fast food choices) taking a wide mouthed and eyed bite at a sandwich. Shit. I’m so embarrassed by my past self.

5. Cyanide and Happiness

Oh man, I was fucking obsessed with this site before I discovered Cracked.com. I have my best friend and knife aficionado to thank for that. For those of you who don’t already know, Cyanide and Happiness is a web comic featuring crudely drawn stickish figures and all of their wacky, sometimes amoral, adventures. I was actually a pretty hardcore fan of the site until Stumbleupon came along and ruined everything. Here is probably my favorite comic they’ve ever made:

Recently, I liked the comic on Facebook, and now I get the latest comic strips on my news feed on a regular basis. And this brings me to a very important question: Why in the spinning tirade of fiery fucks did I ever stop visiting this site?! There is no excuse for it. For all the other sites I’ve mentioned, I’ve had a decent reason: I’ve matured as a writer, I found a better site, I have enough offensive shirts. But there is no excuse for me leaving Cyanide and Happiness. It’s a web comic- it’s not like it will suck up all of my time. Quite frankly, I’m ashamed of myself, and the only way to rectify this glaring mistake of mine is to go back and read every single comic of the last four years. So if you’ll please excuse me, I need to atone for my comedy sins.

Peace

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 26

OK, only 2 weeks left! I am beginning to think I will be able to to make it through this despite what those disembodied voices keep whispering in my ear. And because of this accomplishment, I am going to treat you all to an irrationally long, 13 minute video. Get yourself a hard drink, some tissues, and a crucifix, because this is about to get all kinds of offensive, sexy, and sacrilegious up in here.

P.S. Sorry about the length of it (That’s what HE said!), especially since I do not use it well (That’s also what he said!)

(Note: to any of you uptight people watching that that also do not know me, first of all, thank you for watching. Secondly, I am not a killer of babies. That was a joke. Get over yourselves and get a sense of humor, you prudes.)

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 21

Before I get started, I would like to note that at the time of writing this post, my blog has had 1,168 views during March.  This is entirely due to the whole “me not being on facebook” thing, so huzzah for me! But like every good thing, there is a downside. In this case the downside is that I don’t remember anyone of whom I was friends with from before 2 days ago. I see a ton of names in my phone, but other than the few people that I have seen within the past couple of days, I have no clue who these names belong to. So, if your name is “David Mears,” “Jerry Harper,” or if I have ever called you “Bahannah,” “Trux,” “Rondizzle,” or “Trashley,” could you please leave a comment on this blog explaining who you are, how I know you, and how you are doing (If you are a friend of mine, I can only assume that you are just as self-centered as I) it would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, moving on. As I said in a recent post, I have been spending oodles of noodles of time on Stumbleupon.com, more commonly known as the internet productivity blackhole. Since I have been off of facebook, the webpages that I like has gone from around 70 to 149. That’s right. Over 70 liked pages. That is both intense and sad, but also good for all of you, my mystery readers (most of whom I do not know who you are and why you think my words are important), because I am going to share the best ones with you. Here they are, enjoy:

While I stumbled, I listened to this: http://www.rainymood.com/

#149: www.gameboyonline.com

I spent a good 4 hours playing Pokemon on this damn website. I don’t even know why I did, I never played it when I was younger, and I was a little curious. Don’t judge me.

#147: www.livenirvana.com/pics/9309unk/images/vma_60.jpg

I like this one because it was the first image in a long time that made me want to make a motivational poster. Here it is below:

#142: images.dailydawdle.com/crying-onion.jpg

I have nothing to say that will add to this.

#139: www.polyvore.com/bro_tips/collection%3Fid%3D838819

I wanted to share a lot of these with my bros, but then I realized I didn’t know who my bros were anymore, so I’m just going to post it here and hope they see them.

#130: survivingtheworld.net/Lesson58.html

The guy from Survivng the World is a common face for me, and therefore, one of my only friends.  He dispenses wisdom in the only form that I understand: humor.

#127: www.inbflat.net

This took so much of my time simply due to all of the different combination of sounds you can make. It is really beautiful in a really weird way.

#116: www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes

This. Video. Is. Awesome. More and more, I’m realizing that Sheen’s meltdown was really one big publicity stunt that we all fell for. I mean, no one is that insane and entertaining without being in a mental institution or on an episode of Maury. In any case, all green things must die.

#105: www.inudge.net/index.en.html

Hey, you like music? Well fuck. Try this website out anyway; it’s pretty awesome, and also a hardcore music maker.

#101: www.nerdblerp.com/story/2011-02-02-7-grimm-fairy-tales-that-would-make-great-movies

I recently read that there are 3 new adaptations of “Snow White” coming out within the next 2 years, which proves that Hollywood is really goddamn lazy. Here Hollywood, someone did your research for you. Make these movies.

#97: www.toplessrobot.com/2009/07/the_10_creepiest_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_episod.php

This is the article I wrote about a couple of posts ago, so I’m not going to explain it any further.

#92: www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2010/02/09/the-science-of-the-creation-museum

Now, I am already a fan of Vice Magazine, so I already liked the site. But it still seems fitting that stumbleupon takes me there occasionally. And even though I read this article a while ago, I still liked it because the first image they show is of Eve copping a feel of Adam. Stay classy Vice Magazine!

#89: www.andrewbosley.com/the-brainstormer.html

I loved this because it is a really effective way of getting an idea for a story that in no way, shape, or form is not a comedy. For instance, when I just clicked on the button, I got “Prey to Misfortune, Wartorn, Dwarf.” Comedy gold!!!

#80: www.soundcloud.com/tracks/search%3Fq%3DDon%2527t%2520Worry%2C%2520I%2527m%2520Yours%2520%28Jason%2520Mraz%2520vs.%2520Bobby%2520McFerrin%2520vs.%2520Israel%2520Kamakawiwo%2527ole%2

This is such a feel good song, in that they take 3 feel good songs and put them ass to mouth, like what you would expect if Human Centipede was an upbeat musical. This song also introduced me to Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” which I now love.

 

Ok, the rest of my likes are ones that I would find useful for my random interests, or a lot like others that I found. I hope you waited to look at them all until now. No, that wasn’t a rule, I just thought you would be polite enough to wait until the end. You didn’t? Well, you’re a dick.

OK, I don’t have anything else left to say for this post, so I’m going to end it here. I’m going to go stumbeupon…

STUMBLE!!!!

P.S. I only have 19 days left until I can get back on Facebook. Hooray!

STUMBLE!!!

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 9

 

Hello Everybody! I’ve missed you! Here, pull up a chair, and I will tell you all about my first week without Facebook. For those of you who aren’t going through this with me (which should be all of you), go fuck yourself. Fuck you. You think you know me? Bitch, I will straight jump through the fucking internet and strangle you with Google’s search algorithm. Don’t fucking test me; I am Minigan Blackwood: Internet Lord. YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY?! TWUNT, YOU ARE FUCKING NOTHING TO FUCKING ME. I WILL FUCKING FUCKING KICK BALLS TITTY SLAP SHIT COUGAR DOUCHE COCK HELL ADHKJDELSD KDMEKFDKDFK AKJD FEIAS TLKDMEM ASLKJ AIFJADKJF KDIEAGHKE COX SEIG AOIEADNMD DOID DFA………………………….

I'm sorry, the writer whose words you were reading, Minigan, just had a mental episode. Please make a note of it.

 

Sorry about that. My “Darkside” took over for a moment. Anyway, what I was going to say was that this is actually much more difficult than what I previously expected. I didn’t  actually think of the social ramifications that would come about from me not having a facebook. I have no clue as to what’s going on in any of my friends lives right now. If I want to know, then I have to ask them, and I don’t want that, because they will take it as an invitation to vomit out every little bad thing that has happened since the last time I talked to them. For instance, I found out today that one of my coworkers broke up with her boyfriend. This actually wouldn’t be news to me at all, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone else knew about it but me. I know that I am not important enough to be kept in the loop for every detail of everyone’s lives, but c’mon people, at least clue me in on the important stuff.

But despite that, I think the worst part of not being on facebook is that it did not lower my time that I waste online. That was my main expectation: that since I was not wasting my time on facebook, I could do other activities like watch movies, read books, go outside, and be a member of a real society again, but this didn’t happen. The only thing that happened is that I took all the time that I was wasting on facebook, and dispersed it on many less worthy websites. The things I have been wasting my time with have also become increasingly weirder as well. I seriously spent two day watching old episodes of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” on Youtube (fun fact: when you watch the show now, you can tell that it is very Canadian).  And to be honest, for a kid show, they are actually pretty intense, in particular the episode below, “The tale of Dead Man’s Float.”

I remember this episode better than I remember many of the others specifically for the ghost in it. Before I watched it again I did not have a clear image in my mind of what it looked like, so when I got to the part when it rises out of the water for the first time, I said, partially in shock, “That ghost is horrifying.”

Sweet Merciful Fuck! This is from a kid's show!?!?

The episode itself isn’t all that dramatic, but the story is only about 20 minutes long, so that can be forgiven, especially after seeing that ghost. I may not have screamed when I saw it, but the fact that I actually said out load that something is terrifying is usually a pretty good sign that it is scary as shit. Seriously, look at that picture. Picture yourself standing at the edge of a pool when that thing comes out. If you do not see yourself emptying your bowels into your pants, then you are either stupidly cocky, or you have balls the size of aircraft carriers.

Anyway, another thing that has been stealing time away from me was this game. It is called Douchebag Workout, and in it, you basically lift weights and try to get your character to go from weakling to muscular douchebag. It kind of pissed me off because it makes it seem like the key ingredient to douchebag behavior is a muscular physique. And to stick up for my gym rat brethren (not myself- I have already proven that I am a douchebag), I would like to point out that most of the are good guys that do not have an over inflated sense of self-worth. But with all that aside, the fun thing about this game is that you can take illegal substances in the game like steroids and some radioactive Russian hormone booster. These are things that I would never try on myself, but If I am using it on a virtual person, why the hell not?  It is also pretty awesome to see results after only three reps, but hey, I’m not a personal trainer, maybe that is how it actually works and I’ve been wrong this entire time. Or, you know, it could be the steroids. Anywhoo, I beat the game in one day, and once I was done, I realized that I just wasted all that time doing something to a virtual person, only for me to turn around and go to the gym later that day. I might be obsessed with working out.

Despite both of those time wasters, Stumbleupon has been by far the most time consuming. I am not going to explain what Stumbleupon is, because you have already read its name, and your curiosity will draw you there either way. But, if you are so foolish to go looking for it, there is no saving you. You will be lost forever in the dense ocean that is the internet. You will be forever trapped in a limbo of websites. Some good, some bad, but each one beconing you to click that button again and see what’s next. It is internet crack. But it’s free, so you don’t need to suck anyone’s dick for it, so it does have that going for it.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: yes, facebook is a major time waster. Yes,  most of the shit that is posted on it is retarded, and is better left in the person’s head. Yes, people take it too seriously. But at least it is actually a form of social interaction. That’s right, I said it. It is a form of social interaction. You show your friends pictures, videos, random websites, tell them jokes, talk to them, let them know general information about you, of course that is social interaction. It is just through a new medium. And that is what is lacking from everything else that I have been doing online: that interaction. Despite the fact that I am looking at the same thing as a million other people, I am still completely isolated from them because of this whole Jesus thing. It’s kind of depressing when you stop to think about it. To counteract that, here is a picture of a puppy:

Well, that is all that I have to say about that.

Peaces and cream

 

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