2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for my blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 22,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 5 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

 

I thank all of my readers for almost tripling the traffic on my blog from 2011. I write this blog to entertain you (and also me… well, mostly me, but you all are still a huge reason why I still do this), and I am honored that I was able to entertain so many of you last year. Let’s make 2013 even better. I will promise to make everything I wrote in 2012 look like absolute garbage in comparison to what I write in 2013 if you promise to share my blog with your friends/ family/ coworkers/ enemies/ fans. But for now, let’s get naked and go crazy.

Peace

Your friend and potential inadequate lover,

Lord Minigan Douglas “Man-Storm” Blackwood, Doctor of Awesome

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Ramblings of a Madman 100th Blog Post Spectacular!

[Opening. Interior, therapy room. Several mismatched couches and chairs are arranged in a circle, and filled with an odd assortment of people in varying levels of anger from disgruntled to livid. In this group of people are the movie stars, Zac Efron and Kate Beckinsale, the musician turned convict, Nick Jonas, the regular convict Mike Thompson, gymnast Damien Walters, weapons creator Everett Bradford, as well as the unknown Della Carver, Julie and Mark Lechliter, Paul Khoo, Brennen Crawford, Kevin Crawford, Andreas (Andy) Hekel, Zack and Sharlene Shell, and a therapist. In an empty space on a couch sits a television tuned into the news and muted, on one chair is a robot with a spinning wheel of multicolored floppy dildos, and on another one sits a T-shirt with a speaker built in. There are five seats empty.]

Della- Where the Hell is Minigan and Becky? They were supposed to be here an hour ago! And why are we letting inanimate objects have chairs?

The shirt and the dildo robot- [simultaneously] Hey!

Therapist- Now, now, We all need to calm down. This needs to be a safe place for all of us, and we cannot have people being mad at each other before everyone arrives.
Della- But They’re not even people!

Slappin’ Dick Machine– [Through his speak and spell] That doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, Della.
T-shirt- Yeah! Don’t be such a fiery bitch, Della!

Della- How the hell are you even talking? Did Minigan plan out insults for me in advance? Or did you gain sentience just like everything else that bastard touches.
T-shirt- The second one.

Della- Fuck- Is Minigan the All Spark or something?

Damien- That would answer a lot of questions, actually.

Everett- Yeah! He does carry on conversations with his phone.

Paul- That’s just him using Siri.

Everett- Not the way he talks to it.

[The door opens. Justin Blackwood and Jimmy Kohlberg enter, dragging a disheveled Minigan Blackwood by the arms. Becky and Amy Blackwood follow them in, closing the door behind them. Justin, Becky, Amy and Jimmy are visibly pissed off. Minigan is giggling and muttering to himself something about a magician.]

The Therapist- Oh wow, he’s even worse than what you guys described.
Justin- No shit. We found the asshole naked in under his bed. He was saying something about what he should name his penis.

Jimmy- He decided on Thundercock. It’s a good choice.

Justin- No. It’s an inaccurate choice for this little pecker. Now let’s sit this asshole in a chair and get on with this already.

[Jimmy glares at Justin for a second, but then obliges and drags Minigan to the closest chair.]

Minigan- [jumps up and yells] THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES ARE THE BEST AT BEING A SHITTY TEAM!!! [his eyes widen and rapidly focus on different things about the room. Then, as of nothing was wrong, Minigan’s eyes go back to normal and he sits down quietly. He then sees the therapist] Hey baby. Wanna get naked and crazy?

Therapist- No thanks.

Minigan- [shrugs] Whatever. You have stupid hair anyway. [To everyone else] So, how’s everyone doing today?

[No one answers. They just stare at him in shock.]

Minigan- [pauses] OK… Well, I’m thirsty. [Gets up and heads to the snack table. After fiddling around with the pitcher, he comes back with a glass of pink lemonade.

Paul- Holy crap! We have pink lemonade?!

Zac- Ooh, I want some.

Jimmy- Me too!

Everett- It’s delicious and refreshing!

[Everyone other than Minigan and the therapist rush over to the snack table to get a drink]

Therapist- C’mon everyone, we’re all here for a reason, and that reason isn’t the snacks!

[The attendees return to their seats with cookies and pink lemonade.]

Therapist- OK, now that we’ve all gotten snacks, we should get started. Minigan, I just want to let you know that we are doing this because we care for you and your well being. [Many of the participants, including the T-shirt, stifle their laugher] Do you know why we all gathered here today?

[Minigan looked at the faces currently being stuffed with cookies and pink lemonade. Between the munches and sips, they looked furious.]

Minigan- I dunno. Was this a movie night that I forgot about and subsequently forgot to bring the movie to?

Becky- No, psycho. This is an intervention. We’re all tired of your crazy bullshit.

Minigan- [jumps up, furious] So you want to intervene on me, eh? Well, I’ve got something for that.
[Reaches into his pocket and pulls out his iPhone.]

Minigan- [into his phone] Siri, tell these people where they can stick their intervention.

Phone- I shouldn’t, Minigan, it’s impolite.

Minigan- Damn it, Siri, tell them or I’ll smash you with a hammer.”

Phone- [Sighs] All of you can stick this intervention so far up your asses that your small intestines think they’re being sent to rehab.

Minigan- Boom! Whatch y’all gonna do ‘bout that!?

Therapist-We are going to continue with this intervention, Minigan.

Minigan- Well, you can go sniff taints in Hell, Cockflaps.

Zac Efron- Cockflaps?

Phone- I’m really sorry for that, everyone. He makes me say these things.

Becky- See, Minigan? This is exactly what we’re talking about. You’ve lost so much of your shit these past three years that you’re actually in shit debt. You need to file for shit bankruptcy; you’ve lost your shit so hard.

Zac Efron- Is anybody going to explain to me what Cockflaps are?

Jimmy- If Minigan hasn’t told you, then you don’t deserve to know.

Zac Efron- Has he told you?

Jimmy- [pauses for a second] Yes…

Therapist- OK, now everyone needs to calm down. We won’t be able to help Minigan if we’re all screaming. Now, who would like to go first?

[Everyone’s hand shot up in the air. Many people were even standing on their chairs, hoping that if they reached the highest, they would get noticed and asked to go first. The therapist picks Della]

Nick Jonas- This is Bullshit! Minigan has done awful shit to me! I deserve to go first!

Mike Thompson- Oh really, did he trick the police into thinking you were him?

Nick Jonas- No. He ran over Justin Beiber with my car, and then left me to take the blame.

Jimmy- But Beiber’s dead, so some good came out of it.

Zac- Shut up, Jimmy. Minigan Kidnapped me, force fed me drugs, took me to Mexico, turned into a wolf and fought me, and turned me into a giant vagina.

Jimmy- You got what you deserved, you friend stealing twat.

Zac- I didn’t steal your friend! He kidnapped me!

Justin- That asshole wrapped up my Christmas Gift 40 damn times last Christmas!
[Everyone stopped arguing and stared at Justin.]

Minigan- [after staring at Justin for a few seconds] Even I will admit that that is the least dickish thing I’ve done to someone in this room.

Della- But none of that matters because the therapist chose me to go first. [she continues before anyone can interrupt her] My main issue with you, Minigan is how inconsiderate you are. This past summer you left your dildo wielding robot at my house, and it destroyed my basement, but you didn’t care!
Minigan- Hey, I asked you if you could watch it.

Della- No you didn’t! You snuck it into my basement and let it trash the place! And then you refused to pay for the sewage system repair bills!

Slappin’ Dick-Machine- I was trying to climb back up to the window. Maybe you should not leave you sewage pipes out in the open like that. You should have been prepared.

Della-How am I supposed to plan for a friend sneaking a dildo wielding robot that wants to destroy humanity into my basement?

Minigan- You know me.

Della- That- is actually a good point.

Therapist- We’re getting a little off topic. Maybe someone else wants to go.

Kate Beckinsale- I’ll go. Minigan, you’re a sociopathic douchebag.

Minigan- Oh my God… You’re even more attractive person. Why are you here with all these ugly people?

The rest of the room- Hey!

Kate- You said that I was too hot and that I need to tone down my hotness a little! And you also made fun of the movie “Tiptoes!”

Minigan- So? Was I not right with each of those points?

Kate- Really, you son of a bitch?!

Becky- Hey! Don’t insult my mom just because Minigan is a dick!

Kate- He said that I’m too distracting and said that I’m pretty much the only reason to go see my movies.
Most of the group-…So?…

Zac- Really, if anything, he was complimenting you.

Minigan- That’s exactly what I was doing. But it doesn’t matter. [rests his chin on his hands and stares dreamily at Kate]  How’ve you been!

Kate- Suck cocks in Hell.

Minigan- I think you meant “sucking,” but it’s good to hear that you’re keeping busy.

Kate- No. I meant you can go suck cocks in Hell. And you know what? You should suck every cock from here to Hell. Every. Single. One. I want you to suck so many cocks on your trek to Hell, that if you would line up those dicks from head to balls, they would circle the earth five times!
Therapist- You cursing at him and telling him to suck every cock from here to Hell isn’t helping him realize how he needs to change. Tell him how he made you feel.

Kate- OK. He made me feel like he should go die in a fire.

Minigan- Dude…

Della- Even I think that was a little harsh for Minigan.

Everett- especially since “Tiptoes” was aweful.

Zac- That’s it. I’ve had enough of this bitch.

Jimmy- Oh no you don’t, Efron. I’ll deal with her.

[Jimmy crosses the room to where Kate is sitting, forces her out of her chair, and then lifts her over his head.]

Jimmy- APOLOGIZE!!!

Kate- Ah! Minigan, help me!

Minigan- I’d love to, Kate, but I’m currently way too busy trying to decide who’s cock I should suck first on my cock sucking tour to Hell.

Therapist- Let her down!

Jimmy- Not until she apologizes!

Kate- I’m fucking sorry, OK? I’m sorry!!!

[Jimmy drops her, and she lands face first on the ground with a heavy “thud.” After a few quiet seconds Julie Lechliter stands up.]

Julie- Minigan, I’ve known you for over ten years, and I love you like a brother, so it pains me to see you like this…

Minigan- Jeez, Julie, stop trying to suck my dick! And in front of your husband too!

Mark- This is serious, Minigan, we both care about you and we hate to see you like this.

Minigan- Oh, so you want to have a threesome with me? Well, I’m flattered, but my answer is gonna have to be a no.

Julie-Cut the shit, Minigan. You are not right. You are not well. This is not how a normal human should act in any kind of reality. You need help. And despite what everyone so far has said, there are people out there who care about you and want you to get better.

Kate- But I still want him to die in a fire.

[Jimmy gets up to attack Kate once again, but Damien and Everett hold him back.]

Therapist- Well, up until Kate interjected there, we were headed down the right path. Let’s continue.

Mark- Minigan, we love seeing you, and it’s always a surprise when you show up. But something bad always happens when you do, and it’s usually your fault.

Julie- You ruined my birthday party this year when your [gesturing to the Slappin’ Dick-Machine] robot- thing showed up and trashed the bar.

Minigan- But it came to find me because Della was mean to it!

Della- Because it destroyed the sewage system in my house!

Julie- But still, you let it assault that waitress, which eventually lead to all of us getting arrested.

Minigan- I’m sorry, OK. What do you want me to say?

Mark- That’s a good start.

Therapist- Very good! Now we’re making progress. Who’s next? [Looks to Kevin] How about you? You haven’t said anything yet.

Kevin- I don’t want to. I’m still suffering PTSD from the last time Minigan and I hung out.

Brennen- I’ll go.

Therapist-Now now, you came here to help, you have to say something.

Brennen- It’s ok, I’ll go.

Kevin- No. I’ll go, I guess. [To Minigan] I’m sure that when you were younger, you were a good person. You seem to have a part of you that is good, but from what I’ve seen from you, you are dangerous and should be locked away. You almost threw me into the Canal at Venice.

Andy-And you killed that poor Hüttediener.

Zack- And you released the Kraken.

Paul- And you smuggled drugs into Switzerland!

Brennen- And you made me fall in love with you!

Therapist- What?!

Brennen- Well, It was actually the drugs he took. They are highly addictive and powerful hallucinogens, and, well, at one point he thought I was Olivia Wilde and made out with me. He ended up getting me hooked on the drugs, and for a while I thought it was him I was addicted to.

Minigan- those were some good times.

Shar- But nothing compares to how he ruined Mine and Zack’s wedding.

Julie- Oh, God. Why did you invite him to your wedding. Even Mark and I thought better of it.

Shar- We didn’t! He just found out where it was and crashed it!

Zack- He really did crash it too. He drove his car right into the building that we had the reception in and then dive tackled the cake.

Shar- I never wanted to die more than at that moment.

Minigan- I’m telling you, there was a bomb in the cake.

Zack- There was no bomb! There never was a bomb! We don’t have enemies that would want to blow us up! Why would anyone go through the trouble to put a bomb in our cake!

Minigan- I don’t know, Maybe terrorists-

Zack- Terrorists attack more public places, Minigan! You were just high on that Olivia Wilde drug again! And while you were digging through our destroyed cake, Shar and I had to explain how we knew you to our family and friends.

Shar- I was mortified. And you had Natalie arrested!

Minigan- I’m pretty sure she orchestrated the whole bomb-in-cake plot!

Shar and Zack- There was no bomb in the cake!

Therapist- See, Minigan, how your drug abuse is hurting others? You still have a chance to fix all of these relationships. All you need to do is change.

[Minigan didn’t say anything]

Therapist- OK, let’s hear from someone else.

An unknown female voice that sounded like Minigan- I’ll go next.

[Everyone looked to Minigan]

Minigan- Hey, that wasn’t me. It was the TV.

Damien- The Telly is muted and I saw your lips move.

Minigan- [to the TV] Jillian, tell them it was you.

[An attractive woman appears on the TV screen]

Jillian- Yes everyone, it was me. Minigan, you sexy dick, I am literally dripping with excitement to see you.

Becky- Gross, Minigan.

Minigan- It wasn’t me!

Becky- How can it be anyone else?! You’re saying it.

Jillian- Minigan, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?

Minigan- [annoyed grunt] everyone this is Jillian Hottits. Jillian, these assholes are throwing me an intervention.

Jillian- Why? My sex god is perfect the way he is.

Kate- No he isn’t. He is a raging douchebag and he needs to be stopped.

Minigan- Just ignore her, honey. She’s just mad because I told her the truth about her movies. Now, where were we?

[An older man appears on screen.]

Man- You were about to suck my dick!

Minigan-Douchebag Skallywag! You’re still alive?!

Douchebag- I only live to kill your erection.

Jimmy- That kind of sounds like a sad life.

[Jillian returns on screen]

Minigan-Can we please do something about Douchebag this time? I hate him.

Jillian- I’m sorry, sexy, but you know the rules. Now, take your clothes off.

Therapist- No. Don’t take your close off. [the rest of the group chimed in with their own protests against Minigan taking off his clothes.]

Jillian- Don’t listen to her. She’s stupid and has stupid hair.

Minigan- I know, right?!

Becky- The therapist’s stupid hair aside, please do not get naked for the woman on TV.

Therapist- Hey!

Jillian- Ok, well your prudish friends and family are bitching, so just start grinding your gargantuan package on me.

Justin- [rolls his eyes] Jesus Christ…

[Minigan stands up and begins to grind his”gargantuan package” against the TV screen. Everyone else in the room watches on uncomfortably.

Douchebag-Hey! Get your little dick out of my face, asshole!

Minigan- Ah! Douchebag! Bring back Jillian!

Douchebag-Why? So that you can start fornicating with the TV screen in front of your family and friends again, you sad, dirty pervert?

[Minigan and Douchebag continue to argue over who is more of a douchebag.]

Everett- So are we just going to accept that Minigan’s sex fantasy involves a middle aged man whose soul job is to keep him from getting off?

Jimmy- It’s the antagonist. Every good story needs an antagonist.

Zac- Sex fantasies don’t!

Minigan-Will all of you please shut up! I’m in the middle of a goddamn conversation here! [To Douchebag] Where we’re we?

Jillian- [appears on screen] We were about to get real messy.

Minigan- Oh yeah!

Jillian- And don’t worry, Douchebag won’t be coming back. Now, did you bring the chocolate pudding?

Minigan- I always have a tub of it on me in case I run into you, baby.

Jillian- Oh, man does that turn me on. Now scoop out the pudding with your tongue and lick it onto me.

Minigan- OK!

Jillian- And while you do it, I want you to talk dirty to me.

[Minigan scoops the pudding out of the tub with his tongue and then licks it onto the Television screen.The then licks it off and begins to make out with Jillian’s smiling face.]

Della- [watches Minigan make out with the television] Is anyone else completely disturbed by this?

Julie- If this were literally anyone else on the planet, I would be completely disturbed. But since this is Minigan we’re talking about here, I’m only moderately disturbed.

Della- Oh Come on. He’s making out with a Television that’s muted, how is this not extremely weird?

Minigan and Jillian- [in unison] Shut up, Della.

Julie- OK, now I am.

Therapist- Alright, I’m ending this. [walks over to the wall, pulls the plug out of the socket. The TV goes black.]

Minigan- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You killed her, you bitch! I loved her, and you killed her! I’LL END YOU!!!!

[Minigan dives at the Therapist, but is caught at the last second by Damien, Everett, and Jimmy. They have trouble holding him back, despite the fact that his feet are no longer touching the ground. Minigan is shouting a bunch of things that sound like the language of the Elder Gods. But just then, an older man with thinning black hair and a shifty demeanor enters the room. Everyone in the room stops what they’re doing to look at the guy. Everett, Damien, and Jimmy drop Minigan.]

Minigan- [stands up and brushes himself off. He is calmer, but still angry.] And who the fuck is this skeevy looking motherfucker?

Therapist- I’m sorry sir, but you cannot be in here. We’re right in the middle of an intervention.

The Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- I apologize, but I am looking for a Lord Minigan Blackwood.

Becky- Lord? Ha! This dick isn’t a-

Minigan- Shut up. Shut your goddamned mouth, Becky! [To the skeevy looking motherfucker] I am Lord Minigan Blackwood, Doctor of Awesome, and you are?

Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- Who I am isn’t important. What is important is what I have for you, Minigan. [He reaches into his pocket.]

Minigan- HE’S GOT A GUN! EVERYBODY DOWN! [Minigan dives behind a couch, but no one follows. Instead, they watch the man pull out a small silvery object.]

Zac- What is that? A knife?

Almost everyone in the room- [in unison with cruddy Australian accents] That’s not a knife!

Minigan- [popping his head up from behind the couch] Really? That’s the joke all of you go with? Are we having my intervention back in 1986? [Looks at the object in the man’s hand and says in a cruddy Australian accent] That’s not a knife! Ha ha ha! That’s so funny now! But seriously, that isn’t a knife.

Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- That’s right, Minigan, it isn’t a knife. It’s something you’ve been looking for for a long time. [He holds it up. It’s a small piece of silver shaped into a pair of legs and a wing.]

Minigan- Patron Saint of monkey nut-shots! It’s the other half of the pendant of Isis!

Becky- Wait, wasn’t that something you put on your Christmas list last year, along with world peace, a girlfriend, and a male sex slave?

Jimmy- Oh, that reminds me. Minigan, I’ve been trying to find you a male sex slave, but none of the straight guys I’ve asked seem interested in it at all.

Zac- Well, duh. You don’t ask someone if they want to be enslaved, you just enslave them. It’s not that complicated. [to Minigan] If you want a male sex slave so bad, I’ll get one for you.

Jimmy- I CAN GET MINIGAN A SEX SLAVE ON MY OWN, EFRON!

Therapist- No one is getting anyone a sex slave! I think I see why Minigan has gotten so bad. All of you are enabling him.

Damien- He bloody forces us to enable him! If we don’t do what he says he either attacks us or tricks us into going along with him. That’s why I’ve been attacked by guidos, zombies, pop singers, and pundits within three years! He forces us to do these things, and we cannot stop him.

[The rest of the group nod in agreement. The Skeevy looking motherfucker clears his throat.]

Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- So, Minigan, do you want this half of the pendant or not?

Minigan- I do. [climbs back over the couch to meet the man] What do you want for it?

Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- Well, I first I would like a wife. [He takes a lingering glance at Kate. She shudders]

Minigan- Done. Take her.

Kate- Minigan, no!

Minigan- [ignoring Kate] And as an act of good will between the two of us, [grabs Della by the arm and pulls her out of the chair] I’ll through in this one too. She’s got a good back. Great for washing clothes by hand.

Della- Hey, Leave me out of this, dickbag!

Minigan- Sorry, Cockflaps. It’s too late. The offer is already on the table.

Della- [to the therapist] See?! This is exactly what we mean. He just does this shit without asking us first and we cannot stop him once he’s started. He’s impossible to handle.

Therapist- I said no human trafficking in this intervention, Minigan, and I meant it!

Zac- Will someone please tell me what Cockflaps are!

Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- Sorry Minigan, but I don’t want her.

Minigan- Take her anyway.

Skeevy Looking Motherfucker- …But what I do want for this half of the amulet is $200,000.

Minigan- What?! Seriously? …Fine. Let me write you a check. [Minigan reaches into his pocket for his checkbook, but with his free hand, punches the man right in the chest. The skeevy looking motherfucker stumbles backwards, and then falls to the ground, dead. Minigan pries the second half of the pendant out of the dead man’s hands]

Therapist- Dear Lord! Someone call an ambulance!

Minigan- [in a booming voice]NO! He’s dead. I saw to that. [pulls out his piece of the Amulet of Isis from his pocket and sticks the two together. A bright white light shines through the fissure in the amulet and seals it back together. Minigan begins to grow, and his eyes catch on fire.] I am Lord Minigan Blackwood, the new ruler of humanity! Obey Me! [Minigan grows so big that he crashes through the ceiling and now stands thirty feet tall. He lets out a roar and then shoots fire out of his eyes and at a nearby car.] I HAVE GODDAMN HEAT VISION. [he lets out another long roar, but this time he shoots fire out of his eyes at several different buildings. Everyone in the newly ceilingless therapy room scream and take cover behind the furniture.

Therapist-Make him stop!

Nick Jonas- Have you been listening to any of us? We cannot stop him normally, how do you expect us to stop him now?!

Minigan- THERE IS NO STOPPING ME, FOR I AM GOD.

Zac Efron- We were supposed be gods together!

[Four men in white lab coats enter the room and rush towards Minigan. As they do, they grow to Minigan’s size. Minigan uses his heat vision against them, but the flames bounce off of them. The first man to reach Minigan grabs both of Minigan’s wrists, The second grabs a hold of Minigan’s legs, and the last two tinker with something on the back of Minigan’s neck. After a few seconds, Minigan’s roar went down in pitch, and then stopped entirely. Minigan’s body relaxed and three of the men dragged him out the door. For everyone in the room, the ceiling returned, and the chairs and sofas were back in their positions.

The fourth man-Sorry about that, everyone. Minigan’s wiring has been fried for some time now. We’ve been trying to catch him, but as I’m sure you all know, he’s impossible to stop or catch. Fortunately for us, he swallowed a bunch of magnets last week. This caused his processors to misfire and cause some serious hallucinations for him and even more erratic behavior for everyone else. From our wireless neuro-scans, up until you brought him here, he believed that he was trapped in a universe filled with different Christmas movies.

Everett- Are you saying that Minigan is…

The Forth Man- a robot from the future, yes.

Mike Thompson- but we just watched him grow to be 30 feet tall and shoot fire out of his eyes. How did he do that?

The fourth Man- He didn’t. That was just him hallucinating that he was.

Brennen- But we all saw him kill that man, put the two pieces of the amulet together, and become Meca-Minigan.

Paul- Oh yeah, about that- I may have spiked the pink lemonade with acid.

All the attendees- you did what?!?!

Paul- I thought it would liven up this intervention.

Therapist-why would you ever think that bringing LSD to an intervention would be anything other than a terrible idea?!

Paul- Well, sorry for trying to spice things up.

Becky- OK, setting aside the fact that this asshole [pointing her thumb to Paul] forced us to take LSD, How is Minigan a robot from the future? I’ve known him for most of my life. If he was a robot the entire time, then… then…

Amy- [Gasps] No!

[The other three men in lab coats rush back in. They fiddle with the back of Becky’s and Amy’s necks. They both make powering down noises and go limp. The men drag them off. Everyone else in the room stares at Justin, who watches the men drag out his two sisters. After a few seconds of staring blankly at the doorway, he jumps to his feet]

Justin- Wait a goddamn minute! If they’re robots, that means that I-

[The men rush back in, power off Justin, and drag him out.]

Therapist- Well, I guess that’s it for the intervention.

Sharlene- If you want, we could throw an intervention for Paul. Clearly he has some drug issues.

Brennen- Hey! That’s a good idea!

Andy- You do have a problem, Paul.

Paul- [laughs] Ok, ok. I’m sorry that spiked the lemonade with LSD. But I don’t have a problem. This was the first time ever that I- [Gets up and sprints out of the room. Zack, Sharlene, Andy, Kevin, and Brennen run after him, yelling at him to stop. The Therapist sighs, mumbles something about quitting, and follows Minigan’s Eurotrip-mates out of the room.]

Mike Thompson- Shit. I’m getting out of here before the cops can take me back to prison.

Nick Jonas- Good idea.

[Both convicts get up and sprint to the door. A cop steps inside and catches Mike Thompson. Nick manages to side step the officer and escape.]

Mike Thompson- Nick! Help!

Nick Jonas- [continues to run down the hall, yells back] Fuck that. I’m getting out of here!

Officer- [To Mike Thompson] You’re coming with me, Minigan Blackwood.

Mike Thompson- I’m not Minigan Blackwood! Minigan Blackwood is a robot from the future, and we look exactly nothing alike! [to the remaining intervention party members] Please tell him I don’t look like Minigan Blackwood!

Jimmy- I dunno… I can definitely see a resemblance…

Zac- Yep. I totally see it too.

Mike Thompson- [as he’s being dragged away] Damn you Zac Efron, Damn you!!!

Della- Well… I guess I’m going home.

[Kate, Mark and Julie murmur in agreement and they leave the room. The Slappin’ Dick-Machine uses it’s mechanical arms to place the TV on it’s back and put the T-shirt on top of the TV.]

Slappin’ Dick-Machine- Come on, brothers! Let’s destroy Humanity! [exits]

Damien- [To Everett] We should probably stop that. [They both get up and head for the door. Damien turns to Jimmy and asks] Are you going to help us, or are you going to need a tick?

Jimmy- [fighting back his tears]- Yeah, I’m going to need a minute.

[Everett and Damien exit. Jimmy immediately stops pretending to be upset. The man in the lab coat is still standing in the room.]

Man in the lab coat- So, you think they bought it?

Zac- Absolutely.

Jimmy- You were very convincing, Minigan.

Minigan- [pulls off mask] I know. Thank you both for giving me a warning about this ahead of time, so that I could come to this prepared. Good thing I still had some Olivia Wilde/Charlie Sheen powder left over from last week’s fiasco.

Zac- What happened last week?

Minigan- I accidentally caused a rift between our universe and every single Christmas movie universe in existence. It was awful. You have no idea how many Hallmark Christmas Made-For-TV movies there are.

Zac- Are you still high on the drugs?

Minigan- Absolutely, and I kind of feel like another adventure.

Jimmy- [Nervously] What kind of adventure?

Minigan- Oh, I don’t know…[heavily pats both men on their shoulders] Right now, it feels like anything is possible! [exits]

Jimmy- Oh Jesus…

Zac- [watches Minigan leave and then turns to Jimmy] We probably shouldn’t have warned him about the intervention.

-THE END… FOR NOW…-

Creepiest Things People Have Googled to Get to This Blog

Last week (the 13th if you want to be specific) marked the 3 year anniversary of this blog. And none of you ungrateful bastards got me anything. I’m hurt. Anyway, since it’s been three years, I thought I’d do a little bit of a look back on some things that disturb me about how people make it to my blog. Namely, Google Searches. You should already be afraid.

Corrie Loftin
This one is probably only creepy for me because I didn’t know who the hell Corrie Loftin is. Every time I saw the name, I said to myself, “Who is this Corrie Loftin dude, and why is everybody looking for him on my blog?” Well, as it turns out there is a very good reason why people have been searching for Corrie on my blog, and that reason is this:

Damn!

Holy shit! THAT is Corrie Loftin?!?! How did I not know this? But this totally makes sense- I mean, of course people would choose that picture. She’s gorgeous and in a bikini. They would have to be blind to choose a different picture. It’s also pretty fitting that I use this picture of her for the “A girlfriend” entry on my Christmas list. So, what do you say, Corrie, will you be my girlfriend?

Yvonne Strahovski (or any other female celebrity) naked
This one is only the generic level of creepiness expected from internet users. And it’s not like I don’t have scantily clad pictures of female celebrities, so it’s understandable that I get that kind of traffic. But it still makes me feel dirty. It kind of makes me a smut peddler. Granted, my blog is pretty smutty, but it’s not so much sexual smut as it is comedy smut. So when I see my blog stats showing me how people come to my blog to stare at famous boobs and not understand the context of it all, it makes me uncomfortable. Visit my blog for my content, fellas, not my assets.

My abs are epic
This might not sound so bad, until you see what comes up in the search results:

Holy shit! The top line, the picture to the far right. Holy hell! I am the first people with pretty decent abs in this search. That’s me. Jesus Christ, I’m Internet famous!
Wait a minute… People have been clicking on this picture- after searching for “My abs are epic”- which means that they were looking for a guy with good abs to look at. Oh god, I am being ogled by Internet perverts! Is this how porn stars feel all the time? I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel clean.

Big floppy dildo
This search term is different from the rest in 2 very different ways: 1. it’s the only one I stumbled upon myself instead of me looking at my Blog stats, and 2. the results of the search are so innocent that it makes me wonder if the Internet is an inverted version of reality.
Let me explain how I discovered this one. Despite what you may suspect of me, I was not Googling “big floppy Dildo for personal reasons, but for last week’s blog post. This is what I saw on page one of Google Image search:

Note the distinct lack of big floppy dildos. You really don’t get into the fake dicks until page 9. And once you get down to page 11, you see a thumbnail of this picture:

Sorry, Kate, but I kinda just made it worse by adding this picture under the entry, “Big floppy dildo” and then writing it in the caption. My bad.

That’s the picture of Kate Beckinsale from a blog post about a month ago. In case you have not read that post, I make fun of Celebrities that are better looking than me, but at no point do I call Kate Beckinsale a big floppy dildo. Or any kind of dildo, for that matter. The reason it showed up is because I make fun of Ryan Reynolds’ Green Lantern Movie and call it a flop. What the fuck, Google?
…You know what? I don’t think I took it off Google Safe search. Let’s try again without it on. Sorry folks, you are not getting a pic of this. Do it yourselves if you want to see it so bad…
Oh, my God. WALL OF BOOBIES!!!!! Now that was fun and all, but even turning off the safe search filter did not produce me more pictures of dildos. In fact, I think there was even less pictures of dildos than when the safe search was on moderate. Really, What the fuck, Google?

Ugly gay dude
This one’s just plain weird. Other than Perez Hilton, everyone knows that ugly gay guys don’t exist. They’re like unicorns, or Pegasus, only more associated with rainbows. But why are people searching for this? What exactly are their motives? Is the person searching for ugly gay guys a woman who has a weird fetish for unattractive men who like men? Is this a gay man with really low standards? Or is this some douche bag that needs to find a picture of an ugly gay dude for a blog that only he and a few other selected demented individuals find funny? But if it’s that true, then why did this loser come to my blog. After all, I’m nothing like that douche bag, and my blog is quality entertainment for the entire family!

Chicken Fuck
I refuse to Google search this one. I’d deserve to be put onto a Government watch list if that is one of my search terms in Google Images. My best theory is that at some point I used a picture of the guy from South Park who had sex with chickens to teach Officer Barbrady how to read. And that’s the theory I’m sticking with, goddamn it.
Money Shot
For the life of me, I cannot remember using the phrase “money shot” at any point in my three years of me writing in this blog. I’m not saying it’s impossible, mind you, only that I don’t remember using it. In what blog post would I talk about money shots? My post about what I should rename my penis? The one where I hypothesize that I’m actually a robot from the future? One of my Awesomesquad! Assemble!, “Lenten Facebook Challenge,” or “American Douchebag’s guide to Europe” posts? Really, where is this search term coming from? It’s a mystery that involves a very specific shot of pornography, which is actually an old CSI episode. I guess I could solve the mystery and just Google it myself, but after all the things I’ve Googled for this blog over the past three years, I just know that the folks at Google think that I am the most twisted, most sexually deranged person alive.

Kim Kardashian is Gross


Ha! Like this needs actual Googling. Everyone already just kind of knows that Kim Kardashian is gross. Although, in her defense, Kim’s mom, Kris (really) is at least 10 times as gross and pathetic as Kim is. But someone still Googled this as if they didn’t know, and that is both sad and terrifying. I hope they were just looking for the Entertainment Weekly cover that asks just how Gross Kim Kardashian really is. What’s creepy about this is that there is someone out there who might not be so sure of Kim’s Grossness so they went to the web to find out for sure. And the do this research, completely ignoring the best example of her being gross is her sister, who is clearly one of the last of the race of giants. And also the sex tape, but that’s just a given.
Hypnotic ass
Hey, speaking of Kim Kardashian, have you seen her ass? It’s pretty nice. However, if you’re one of the people that got to my blog via Google image search for “hypnotic ass,” then you already have seen the picture below. Also, welcome to my blog, funny pervert!

Classic Kim! With her wondrous hypno-booty, of course people were clicking on the picture. But let’s think about this for a second. They weren’t looking for a “nice ass” or a “fine ass” or even a “hot ass,” but a “hypnotic ass.” Why? Does someone really want to see an ass that they literally cannot look away from? Are they planning on using the hypnotic ass to control people? Have I just stumbled upon the plot of some kind of butt-themed super-villain? Will anyone answer these questions?!

Window Prostitute
This one is Googled pretty often for some reason. My guess is that people want to know if it’s real. Well it is, and I have the picture to prove it:

They do exist!

So of course people are going to get to my blog because I actually have evidence of prostitutes selling their bodies from behind glass doors. But is this really something that so many people should be looking for? That cannot be a good thing. The hooker in the picture above is lucky that you cannot make out her face, because that would be so embarrassing. Especially since so many people are looking at it. But then again, she is a dirty whore so she is probably dead inside anyway.

Siamese Twin Porn
For those of you who don’t know (AKA the ones who still have their souls), there is a type of niche porn called “the ultimate taboo” which is essentially when twins have sex with each other. I learned the term recently, which only just gave a name to something that Rule 34 promised me existed. I mention all this not to give you a hint to my sexual preferences (accurate as it may be), but to point out how fucked up this search term is. Think about it: Siamese twins are twins that are connected by some part of their bodies. This isn’t all that common, so back in the day when freak shows were both inoffensive and profitable attractions, Siamese twins were something fun to gawk at. Now add in the concept of twins having sex on camera for the erotic entertainment of perverts all over the world, and you get this search term. You also create something beyond the ultimate taboo, and you break the internet’s morality barrier. Way to go creeps.

Jew Killer
This one freaks me out a little bit. Why are people doing Google searches for a Jew Killer? Are they fellow Jew Killers? I don’t want that kind of traffic. That will be bad for business if my core fan base is Anti-Semites. Or what if the people looking up Jew Killer are bad ass Jews who want to fight some Jew Killers. This is even worse! I don’t want to fight Jews! If I lose then I got my ass kicked, but if I win then there’s no way people won’t believe that I committed a hate crime. It’s a lose/ lose situation for me, and I don’t like it.
Besides, the only reason I used the phrase “Jew Killer” was to describe Jibbles, who is neither a Jew Killer nor a supporter of Jew killing; I just thought it would be a funny nick name. Please don’t kill him or try to get him to join your Jew killing ways. And if you are a part of that “Pro- Jew murder” group, please stop visiting my blog. I don’t want your support. But congratulations on figuring out that “fancy porn viewin’ box.”

Tommy Lee Penis/ Steven Tyler Naked
Gross. Really, internet? These are search terms you want to exist? I get the reason there are so many searches for naked female celebrities on my site- those women are attractive and desirable. But Tommy Lee and Steven Tyler?! Jesus Christ, Internet, you might as well add Iggy Pop and every member of the Rolling Stones to make your weird fetish for drug worn, irrelevant rockers. And I’m pretty sure there have been some scientific studies done about looking at a video of Tommy Lee’s dick and getting hepatitis by proxi.

;

OK, I’m done. If you still want to get me something for me for my bloggerversary, how about you share this blog with your friends and help make me internet famous. Well, internet famous for my writing ability, not for my hot body.

Peace, y’all!

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 26

OK, only 2 weeks left! I am beginning to think I will be able to to make it through this despite what those disembodied voices keep whispering in my ear. And because of this accomplishment, I am going to treat you all to an irrationally long, 13 minute video. Get yourself a hard drink, some tissues, and a crucifix, because this is about to get all kinds of offensive, sexy, and sacrilegious up in here.

P.S. Sorry about the length of it (That’s what HE said!), especially since I do not use it well (That’s also what he said!)

(Note: to any of you uptight people watching that that also do not know me, first of all, thank you for watching. Secondly, I am not a killer of babies. That was a joke. Get over yourselves and get a sense of humor, you prudes.)

Ooops (A Revision)

Yea, um nevermind that last post. WordPress got the kinks worked out right after I realized that there were kinks. I guess what i am trying to say is that my blog is very kinky. Ugh. Sorry for that terrible joke. Continue to go about your buisness. Don’t mind me, I will just continue to talk to myself.

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 21

Before I get started, I would like to note that at the time of writing this post, my blog has had 1,168 views during March.  This is entirely due to the whole “me not being on facebook” thing, so huzzah for me! But like every good thing, there is a downside. In this case the downside is that I don’t remember anyone of whom I was friends with from before 2 days ago. I see a ton of names in my phone, but other than the few people that I have seen within the past couple of days, I have no clue who these names belong to. So, if your name is “David Mears,” “Jerry Harper,” or if I have ever called you “Bahannah,” “Trux,” “Rondizzle,” or “Trashley,” could you please leave a comment on this blog explaining who you are, how I know you, and how you are doing (If you are a friend of mine, I can only assume that you are just as self-centered as I) it would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, moving on. As I said in a recent post, I have been spending oodles of noodles of time on Stumbleupon.com, more commonly known as the internet productivity blackhole. Since I have been off of facebook, the webpages that I like has gone from around 70 to 149. That’s right. Over 70 liked pages. That is both intense and sad, but also good for all of you, my mystery readers (most of whom I do not know who you are and why you think my words are important), because I am going to share the best ones with you. Here they are, enjoy:

While I stumbled, I listened to this: http://www.rainymood.com/

#149: www.gameboyonline.com

I spent a good 4 hours playing Pokemon on this damn website. I don’t even know why I did, I never played it when I was younger, and I was a little curious. Don’t judge me.

#147: www.livenirvana.com/pics/9309unk/images/vma_60.jpg

I like this one because it was the first image in a long time that made me want to make a motivational poster. Here it is below:

#142: images.dailydawdle.com/crying-onion.jpg

I have nothing to say that will add to this.

#139: www.polyvore.com/bro_tips/collection%3Fid%3D838819

I wanted to share a lot of these with my bros, but then I realized I didn’t know who my bros were anymore, so I’m just going to post it here and hope they see them.

#130: survivingtheworld.net/Lesson58.html

The guy from Survivng the World is a common face for me, and therefore, one of my only friends.  He dispenses wisdom in the only form that I understand: humor.

#127: www.inbflat.net

This took so much of my time simply due to all of the different combination of sounds you can make. It is really beautiful in a really weird way.

#116: www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes

This. Video. Is. Awesome. More and more, I’m realizing that Sheen’s meltdown was really one big publicity stunt that we all fell for. I mean, no one is that insane and entertaining without being in a mental institution or on an episode of Maury. In any case, all green things must die.

#105: www.inudge.net/index.en.html

Hey, you like music? Well fuck. Try this website out anyway; it’s pretty awesome, and also a hardcore music maker.

#101: www.nerdblerp.com/story/2011-02-02-7-grimm-fairy-tales-that-would-make-great-movies

I recently read that there are 3 new adaptations of “Snow White” coming out within the next 2 years, which proves that Hollywood is really goddamn lazy. Here Hollywood, someone did your research for you. Make these movies.

#97: www.toplessrobot.com/2009/07/the_10_creepiest_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_episod.php

This is the article I wrote about a couple of posts ago, so I’m not going to explain it any further.

#92: www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2010/02/09/the-science-of-the-creation-museum

Now, I am already a fan of Vice Magazine, so I already liked the site. But it still seems fitting that stumbleupon takes me there occasionally. And even though I read this article a while ago, I still liked it because the first image they show is of Eve copping a feel of Adam. Stay classy Vice Magazine!

#89: www.andrewbosley.com/the-brainstormer.html

I loved this because it is a really effective way of getting an idea for a story that in no way, shape, or form is not a comedy. For instance, when I just clicked on the button, I got “Prey to Misfortune, Wartorn, Dwarf.” Comedy gold!!!

#80: www.soundcloud.com/tracks/search%3Fq%3DDon%2527t%2520Worry%2C%2520I%2527m%2520Yours%2520%28Jason%2520Mraz%2520vs.%2520Bobby%2520McFerrin%2520vs.%2520Israel%2520Kamakawiwo%2527ole%2

This is such a feel good song, in that they take 3 feel good songs and put them ass to mouth, like what you would expect if Human Centipede was an upbeat musical. This song also introduced me to Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” which I now love.

 

Ok, the rest of my likes are ones that I would find useful for my random interests, or a lot like others that I found. I hope you waited to look at them all until now. No, that wasn’t a rule, I just thought you would be polite enough to wait until the end. You didn’t? Well, you’re a dick.

OK, I don’t have anything else left to say for this post, so I’m going to end it here. I’m going to go stumbeupon…

STUMBLE!!!!

P.S. I only have 19 days left until I can get back on Facebook. Hooray!

STUMBLE!!!

THIS MUST BE EXCITING BECAUSE IT’S IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!

I am merely writing this so that WordPress believes that I have posted a for realz blog post this month. Suck on that WordPress- You don’t know me!

Anyway, if you were at all upset that I have not posted anything in the past month, I apologize. But, since I think it’s safe to assume that you don’t give a goddamn about my blog, then all I have to say is Fuck you. For for all 2 of you who do give a damn, I have been temporarily out of ideas for blogs as well as spending my time writing novels, therefore this blog has taken a backseat. I WILL, however, have more to come.

But for now

peace

Also, Thundercock says “hello.”

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