After months of reading the two suggestions left by you, the readers, and after careful deliberation, I have decided the new name of my Tallywacker. But before I go into that, Let’s review all of the choices (I am only giving the names this time. For the pros, cons, and reasons, you need to check out this blog post):
2. President Taft
Name for balls: Richard Ballinger, and Jacob Dickinson
3. Tommy Lee
Name for balls: Motley Crue
4. Fountain of Youth
The Philosopher’s Stones
5. Tommy Gun
Name for balls: Loaded magazine 1 and 2
These Next ones are new; either they were reader submissions, or I made them up on the spot to make this blog longer. Either way, you will be given the pros, cons, and reasons for these.
6. Guy Fawkes
Name for balls: Catholic Bombs
Reasons: He stands for rebellion, and although he was executed by the British after being tried for treason, he is still celebrated by the British.
Pros: he was given his own Holiday- November 5th, Guy Fawkes Day. He also has a poem written about him:
The fifth of November
The gunpowder, treason and plot
For I have no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot
Also my favorite movie, “V for Vendetta” centers on a man who wears a Guy Fawkes mask.
Cons: Not many people will get it, and I really don’t want to be put on a terrorist watch list because I refer to my balls as “bombs”
7. Black Beard: Scourge of the Spanish Main
Name for balls: Scurvy Dogs
Reason: I just love the idea of my dick sharing the name of someone famous in History.
Pros: I have decided that for my 22nd birthday, I am going to throw a Pirate themed party. Naming my dick this will fit in with the theme.
Cons: Davy Jones’ locker jokes.
8. Captian Oliver Gully
Name for balls: the same as for Black Beard- Scruvy Dogs
Reason: This is what my Pirate name is going to be for my party. Naming my dick this would be a good way of breaking it in (the name, not my dick).
Pros: Say it fast. What does it sound like? No, I’ll tell you what it sounds like. It sounds like “All of her gully” which means my dick is the captain of all of her gully.
Cons: I will probably have to find a new name for myself.
Name for balls: My Homies
Reason: I own this shirt:
Pros: Did you not read the shirt?!?!
Cons: I could get beat up by black dudes that have no sense of humor.
10. Mini Me
Name for balls: Mini Me’s fists
Reason: simply as a joke because the real Mini Me is 1/8th of Dr. Evil’s size. Of course my dick isn’t really 1/8th my size, that would be ridiculous- that would make me 12 feet tall.
Pros: a good reference joke
Cons: confused women may try to feed it chocolate. It doesn’t work; trust me, I’ve tried…
11. Cat O Nine Tails
Name for balls: hot coals
Reasons: Because it is badass.
Pros: every man will fear my Cat of nine tails and my hot coals
Cons: so will women
12. Gatorade Fountain
Name for balls: Bring It and X Factor
Reason: I drink a ton of Gatorade. Sooner or later I’m expecting my piss to come out in a variety of colors.
Pros: I could probably get an endorsement from Gatorade if they decide to sponsor my schlong.
Cons: I would have to deal with people with a piss fetish and people who have found out that my piss really isn’t Gatorade.
13. The Stress Reliever
Name for balls: muscle relaxers
Reason: Well, it helps me to relieve stress…
Pros: It’s a definite conversation starter.
Cons: The ladies my try to relieve their stress via squeezing it too hard.
14. The Illuminati
Name for balls: The Enlightenment
Reason: The Illuminati are the center of many conspiracy theories, and despite the fact that they haven’t been around for centuries, people still talk about them.
Pros: I can tell someone that I have proof the the Illuminati still exists, and when they say “what proof?” I can reply, “My dick! BURN!”
Cons: I get a bunch of creepy people following me around, asking me about the Illuminati.
15. Alcatraz (this name is for the balls as well)
Reason: There were hundreds of seedy characters in Alcatraz when it was open, and there are millions of seedy characters in my balls right now.
Pros: It’s a hardcore name.
Cons: The Ghost hunters may get confused and come to investigate my dick. That would suck, but someof those chicks look hot in the dark, so maybe it won’t be all bad.
Name for balls: Clouds of Doom
Reason: a variation on Thundercats. However, my version sounds more manly and dangerous. THUNDER!!!
Pros: when I whip it out and slap a girl in the face with it I can yell “THUNDER!!!” and she will not be mad. She may even be a little amused and turned on.
Cons: Who am I kidding? There are no cons to this… THUNDER!!!
Now to pick these, and seeing as though it is march, I wanted to go with a St. Patrick’s day Theme, but I couldn’t. So instead, Let’s just do the NCAA competition bracket. I will separate the 16 choices into four groups: Pop culture References, Historical People or Groups, Historical Objects or Places, and Miscellaneous. I will be updating this throughout the week, so you better stay tuned, or you’ll miss all the fun! Oh, and for some extra fun, the bracket is below so that you at home can bet on what name will win the competition.
Pop Culture Group
Tommy Lee vs Mini me
Winner: Mini Me
This one is actually a no brainer. Even if Mini Me is a dwarf, He is still better than Tommy Lee. Plus, With the name Mini Me, I can also call my dick Verne. If I was going to name my dick Tommy Lee, the only other thing I could call it would be “Footlong STD shooter,” and as accurate that may be, my dick and I do not want the publicity that the second half of that nick-name would imply.
Gatorade Fountain vs Thunder Cock
Winner: Thunder Cock
Gatorade Fountain was not meant to last mainly because while I do enjoy drinking Gatorade, I don’t like drinking my piss. It is not what I consider to be a good time. And how do I expect the ladies to try what I’m selling if I am not willing to try it myself… Wait… oh wow, I am a bad person… THUNDER!
Black vs. Oliver Gully
This one seriously comes down to the fact that I have a t-shirt that names my junk black, and the fact that I just made up the name “Oliver Gully” for my party and on hindsight, thought to myself, “hey, that sounds dirty. Ha ha ha.” The shirt made me feel that I have already invested in the name “Black”
Stress reliever vs. Phoenix
I cannot stress this enough (no pun intended) how much I do not want women to consider my dick to be an object that they squeeze until they get all of their anger out. That would be a one way ticket to the emergency room in Humiliation City. Ladies, that is not the purpose for my penis, and you should never, NEVER think that it is.
Historical Places and Objects Group
Cat of Nine tails vs. Tommy Gun
Winner: Tommy Gun
Another battle for the ages- two items made famous thanks to the dark nature of humanity. The Tommy gun was used by prohibition era gangsters during what I assume were dangerous alcohol and easy women plentiful times. Damn, those flappers knew how to work it! C’mon boys, let’s go rob a bank and stop at the speakeasy for a nice little bit of rubbing alcohol! The cat of nine tails was, of course, that torture divice that the Romans used to rip some of Jesus’ skin off in that one movie you’ve probably never heard of. Tommy gun won, because you don’t have to get close to a person to hit them when you’re using a Tommy Gun. With a Cat of nine tails, you have to put yourself in harm’s way just to get good use out of it.
Alcatraz vs. Fountain of Youth
Despite the fact that I have a sneeking suspicion that some rapper has used it as if it was his real name (he probably spelled it wrong, as most people who have not finished high school have a tendency to do), I felt that the name “Alcatraz” was so badass, and the actual prison is so infamous, that it was a much better name for my dick than an underground spring that some Spaniard spent years searching for.
Historical Names and Organizations Group
Guy Fawkes vs The Illuminati
Winner: Guy Fawkes
Before I go into the explanation for why Guy Fawkes won, I would like to point out how much of an amazing of a matchup this is. Guy Fawkes: a 1600s Catholic Extremist who tried to blow up Parliament all in the name of Catholicism, verses The Illuminati: an ancient secret organization that strives for enlightenment and hates Catholicism. At least that what was what Dan Brown told me, and he has never lied to me before. Why did Guy Fawkes win, you ask? Because, who other than conspiracy theorists and popular writers even remember anything about The Illuminati? Guy Fawkes has his own holiday and a batshit insane vigilante/ terrorist that dresses up has him. Game: Guy Fawkes.
President Taft vs. Black Beard
Winner: President Taft
This was the first difficult matchup, folks. One- a Pirate who was the epitome of violent, aggressive, pirate behavior, and the President who got stuck in the bathtub. The battle was so close that it came down to a pubic hair, literally. The two were equally matched until I pictured my shindig and bo-jengles with a black beard. And as humorous as it was, and as tempted as I am to make that image a reality, I went with Taft to ensure that the world would not become a little less clean by that image escaping my brain and entering reality. Plus, Taft was the leader of the free world. AMERICA, FUCK YEA!!!
What an exciting round that was! I hope the names you placed money on won. Stay tuned tomorrow to see if your favorite names make it through round 2! Round 2 decides what name is the Group Champ!
Pop Culture Group
Mini Me vs. Thundercock
Wow right off the bat we he have a battle that could go either way. It’s like if World of Warcraft nerds got into a fight with some other group of virgins. The only difference between the two battles is that Mini Me vs. Thundercock is, like, 50 times more badass, and warcraft vs. other virgins is really just a bunch of pale dudes getting all sweaty as they attack each other with plastic swords. Mini Me, a classic character from the Austin Powers series, will be an easy to explain refrence for those who need it (even though I technically just did). Thundercock, on the other hand, is really me putting the words “thunder” and “cock” together and acting like it was a reference to Thundercats. However, Thundercock has it’s own call. And that is more awesome than anything that Mini Me can throw at it. Also, if Fat Bastard ever shows up while I am in mid-coitus with some sexy dame, my manhood will not be worried that said bastard will be confused by the name and attempt to eat it.
Winner: THUNDER!!! [clears throat] I mean, Thundercock
Black vs Pheonix
For this matchup, let’s look at the obvious awesomeness of each name. For Black, I have the T-shirt and I have the luxury to say that my cock is a gangsta. I’m not trippin’, dawg, it will straight up motherfuckin bust a cap in that trick ass bitch’s shit if she don’t give it its motherfuckin money. These niggas be hatin. It a pimp, yo. Word. If I choose to name my dick “Black” what I just wrote will not be offensive. Pheonix on the other hand, other than sharing its name with a town nobody wants to go to, and an actor who is almost as insane as Gary Busey (I’m talking River here. Joaquain is 5 times crazier than Busey, because at least Busey admits that he is crazy) phoenix is the name of a kickass mythical firebird. The goddamn thing is born from the ashes that its dying self leaves! Taking all of these facts into consideration, I have decided that no matter how awesome a regenerating fire bird is, it still does not beat the idea that I could tell a black joke, and when I get that “you’re a racist” look from all of you hypocritical white folks out there, I can reply, “It’s ok for me to say that; my dick’s name is Black.” Hooray racial equality!
Historical places and Objects Group
Alcatraz vs. Tommy Gun
Another classic matchup! This one basically sums up the 1920s gangster era. The Tommy Gun is what the gangsters used against the police and anyone who got in their way, and Alcatraz is the place that said gangsters were sent once they got caught. It is like both sides represent a different era in the gangster movement. Tommy gun is the excitement, the wild and dangerous side, the side that knows no rules, and Alcatraz is the downfall of the gangster. How delightfully coincidental it is that these two should be battling it out just so that one of them could share their name with my dick. Tommy Gun is phallic, so it does make more sense to name my manwurst after it, especially considering the fact that Alcatraz is a place you can enter, and my crotchrocket is only an exit. While there are most likely many Tommy guns still in good enough condition to shoot, and Alcatraz is decrepit, there is only one Alcatraz. This means that my dick would be more unique. Don’t question my logic. However, Alcatraz is haunted, and worse yet, is in San Fransisco. [shutter] Given that thought, It is possible that Alcatraz is actually the gateway to Hell. And in lue of that fact that I just made up, Tommy gun bitch slaps Alcatraz out of the running.
Historical People and Groups
Guy Fawkes vs. President Taft
So it has come to this: the epic battle between status quo and anti-establishment. Who will win? I know, but do you? Of course you don’t- that is why I am writing this. I will start off with a major plus that both names possess. My dick gets an official holiday because of these names: Guy Fawkes day, and President’s day. So no matter who wins, I will be able to use it to batter dip my cranny axe in a lady’s diving pit. Now with Guy Fawkes, I also get a vigilante, and an army of internet nerds. With Taft I get fat jokes. There is a possibility that I could command the United States army with my dick, but I think that makes me sound like a very strange super villain. But they’re fat jokes directed at my dick, so that’s a good thing. But Guy Fawkes failed at his mission at blowing up parliament, and Taft is not really known for anything other than being getting stuck in a bathtub. You may or may not know my dude tube as well as I, but rest assured, my dick finishes what it starts, and should be known for its ability, not just its size. After considering all of these factors, I have come to the conclusion that I must go with the Catholic rebel over the fat, rich, white guy because I am all for rebelling. If you do not believe me, remember that you are reading a blog that (up until this point) is 2,827 words long and is all about my dick. And it isn’t even like I am pretending that I am talking about something else. No, I am talking about my cock, and what it’s name should be. Yes, it is dumb, and not incredibly rebellious, but it is kind of rebellious. So Extremist:1 Status Quo: 0
Winner Guy Fawkes
Alright, that was an exciting round! Stay tuned tomorrow for round three. The new bracket is below:
Thundercock vs. Black
Wow, these matchups are getting intense. Both of these names are evenly matched, and both teams have only one really good reason for getting this far. For Black, I have the T-shirt, and for Thundercock, I have the call, “THUNDER!!!” Yet, With Black, I would have to have the shirt with me every day, just in case my dick’s name were to come up in a conversation. Or, I would have to make sure that I wore the shirt the next time I saw the people I had the conversation with. Thundercock, on the other hand, is strange, violent, and a little disturbing… Wait, those are all good things. And I am those things, even if I only let my violent side show through my writing. If this competition comes down to the cons of each name, Thundercock has pulled ahead because there is no cons to that name.
Tommy Gun vs. Guy Fawkes
Before we continue, I would like to point out how amazing it is that Tommy Gun got this far. I seriously did not expect it to last past round 2, but in the end, it delivered the kill shot to Alcratraz. Tommy gun should be applauded for its fighting spirit, as well as its pugnastics. Can Guy Fawkes say that? No, that name was able to bitch slap its competition into submission fairly quickly. But Guy Fawkes has something on its side that makes it easy for it to dominate: it is a powerful symbol. Of course, Tommy Gun is a symbol too- it is a symbol for prohibition, gangsters, and 1920s style bank robberies. But that is really just a series of ideas that stem from the real meaning which is: a dark time in our nation’s history when crime was remarkably high. Guy Fawkes is a symbol for the power of rebelling against an unfair government. An in our time- and in any time for that matter- that is a far more important symbol. To stand up and fight against the unjust in this world is what gives me faith in humanity. And because of this, Guy Fawkes snuck into Tommy Gun’s house, filled it with explosives, and lit up the sky like a burning oil tanker on the 4th of July.
Winner: Guy Fawkes
Only one match left, and it is between Guy Fawkes and Thundercock. Who will win? Damned if I know! Come back tomorrow and read the thrilling conclusion of “So I’ve Decided to Rename My Dick (The Thrilling Conclusion)”
Here is the Final Round Bracket if you could not figure out what it would look like on your own:
Ok, folks, here it is. The final round- the round that will decide the name of my junk. And rest assured, this is going to be the hardest decision of my life. I mean, if my house was burning down, and I only had time to save one of my parents, I could make that decision in less time. If fact, as I am writing this, I still haven’t decided on the name. It has come down to the two most kickass, insane, and awesome names that any dick could be named. Seriously, how the fuck do you decide between these two names. It’s damn near impossible.
In order to wrap my head around this issue, I will give you my reasoning behind how the name got as far as it did. Let’s start with Guy Fawkes:
I love the movie V for Vendetta, which is the movie about an insane vigilante that I have referenced throughout this blog. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading this blog, drive to the closest movie rental store, and rent the damn movie. It’s ok, this blog isn’t going anywhere. For the rest of you, it should be known that V for Vendetta is my favorite movie, and me naming my dick Guy Fawkes will not only be an homage to Guy Fawkes himself, but will also be a homage to that movie and the comic book that inspired it. So, the holiday, the idea of rebellion, and the possibility that I would dress my dick up as V aside, that is why I really like that name.
Thundercock- its badass. That’s it. I cannot think of any real reason to name my dick Thundercock other than that one, simple fact. There is no real thought behind the name. So why should I even consider this? Even Stress Reliever and Tommy Lee had some thought behind their names, and they didn’t make it past round one. But maybe, that’s what makes Thundercock great. It is truly a man’s name. Fellas, let’s be honest, we know we have all done something stupid just because it sounded awesome at the time we thought about it. Here is a perfect example of what I am talking about:
Did you notice how stupid and awesome that slide was? Did you also notice that every single person that sent down that slide more than likely had a penis? That is what I am saying. The main difference between women and men is that women think. We men just act out our ideas and hope everything goes according to plan. I mean sure, there is a lot of forethought in most of the things we do, even that slide had to have some plans drawn up before hand, but when men think of something that could be awesome, we completely ignore that little voice that says, “Hey, I think this might be a bad idea. Someone could get seriously hurt.” Thundercock is a name that represents that level of manly spontaneity.
So, yes, those are the two choices. Guy Fawkes, the one that has thought behind it, or Thunercock, which has no thought behind it, but is incredibly manly. A way to think of this matchup is between the brain and the dick. Wait, HOLY SHIT! That’s it! My brain has been doing the deciding. I have completely ignored my dick throughout this whole competition. This should it should be my dick’s decision,not be my brain’s. And in that case, we going to ask him.
Brain- Hey, Churro Gigantico
Churro Gigantico- Wat up…BITCH!
Brain- Stop calling me that, its annoying.
Churro Gigantico- Oh, I’m sorry. I was only joking. You see, I was under the impression that you liked vagina.
Brain- Doug, do you see what I have to deal with?! Every time I talk to this guy it’s the same thing.
Churro Gigantico- Hey, leave Doug E Fresh out of this. This is between you and me.
Brain- You know for a dick, you sure are an asshole.
Churro Gigantico- Fuck you!
Doug- JUST FUCKING ASK HIM ALREADY!!!
Brain- Ok, ok. Churro Gigantico, what would you like to be named Gu-
Churro Gigantico- your mother.
Brain- [sighs] would you like to be named Guy Fawkes or Thundercock?
Churro Gigantico- Pfsh, Thundercock. That was easy. Next question.
Brain- actually that was all that I needed to ask. You are now officially named Thundercock.
Thundercock- really? Hmm… THUNDER!!!
However, Guy Fawkes got the consolation prize. That is now the official name of my brain. If only they could work together, it would be the best crime fighting pair ever.
Wow, that’s it. I’m done. And you people sat through 4,000+ words about my dick. You are all dedicated. I think you owe yourself a round of applause. And if the name you were rooting for didn’t win, wait until next year!
Ok, I’m done. I’ve got real world shit to do.