A couple of months ago I mentioned a hilarious man that I am following on Twitter who goes by the moniker @Easy_Tiger__. If you’re on Twitter and not following him, you’re missing out. Or, more accurately, were missing out. See, @Easy_Tiger__ has been missing from Twitter since the middle of March, and quite frankly, I’m worried. This is a man who was, at his peak, tweeting at least a dozen times a day, and most of those were jokes that were actually funny. So you can understand why I’m upset about how he disappeared off the fucking internet like he has something better to do. Taking myself and projecting my life onto his, I have decided that that’s not the case and that he’s actually gone missing for real. And since Cracked.com has made making lists a compulsion in me, I’ve come up with a series of theories (sorry for the rhyme) of what might have happened to him.
- He was eaten by a bear
The dude’s Canadian. I assume that’s how all Canadians die, just like how I assume all rednecks die of drunken car accidents in the woods or how I assume no Asians die, but just turn into dragons or Mogwais or something.
But even if that isn’t how all Canadians die (Maple syrup accidents? Overdosing with drugs made easily available on their amazing health care system?), that still doesn’t rule out that he was eaten by a bear. I mean, have you seen the size of Canada? It’s pretty damn huge. There has to be, like, 5 million bears up there, each one more willing to eat your fucking ass than the last. Don’t Google that; I promise you that you won’t like the results. Unless of course you’re into that, and in that case your sexual preferences are none of my business. Search all you want.
And sure, @Easy_Tiger__ probably lives in a more populated area, like Toronto or some other Canadian city that no one really cares about, but bears can still find their way into cities. It happens in Russia all the time, and everyone knows that that country totally normal and not “Pit of angry snakes” levels of crazy.
- He lost his shit and ran off into the wilderness
Who hasn’t wanted to do this? I seriously consider it every time I get on Facebook anymore. So maybe he got tired of his hum drum life as a male model in… [checks Twitter for where @Easy_Tiger__ lives] Toronto- Holy shit, I was right! Does everyone in Canada live there?! Well, in that case, maybe he needed to get away from every single other Canadian who uncreatively chose Toronto as their place to live. If that’s true, then maybe he went to Montreal. If my theory is correct (and I have no reason to believe that it isn’t) then that city should a ghost town. Or, at the very least, filled with French Canadians, but everyone knows that they don’t count as people.
- A blizzard knocked all forms of communication out where he lives
It has been a pretty rough winter down here in the states, so I can only imagine what it’s been like up in that frigid wasteland. They probably still have snow on the ground. And if they’re anything like Americans, if a blizzard did actually knock out all forms of communication, including cell towers, then society probably crumbled within hours, and Toronto has probably splintered into dozens of warring city states. This will make searching for @Easy_Tiger__ a challenge, because it’s doubtful that anyone in the fallen Toronto would be willing to help an outsider on the fear that they are actually just a spy from an enemy city state.
- He was really was a catfish all along
A couple of months ago, @Easy_Tiger__ posted this pic to twitter:
At first, I just assumed that this was just one of his hilarious jokes. He’s always done some form of self-deprecating humor, so this wouldn’t be a stretch. But what if I was wrong? What if he actually was a catfish and he just hired a male model to tweet for him. What if this entire time I was enjoying the jokes of a Canadian catfish? Well, honestly, not much changes. He’s still been absent from Twitter for about a half of a month, and it’s still bothering the shit out of me. Although, this make the first two possibilities terrifyingly real. We all know that Bears love three kinds of food: Fish, honey, and whatever food is in those picnic baskets. And if @Easy_Tiger__ is actually a catfish, then the threat of being eaten by a bear in Canada is 1,000 times more real. There probably is no hope for him at this point.
- He started dating/ stalking @NYC_Blonde
Now, I have no clue who @NYC_Blonde is- I assume she’s a model- but whoever she is, @Easy_Tiger__ mentions her a lot. He seems a little obsessed with her, so maybe he flew (or swam if he is actually a catfish. I’m still not sure if I should rule that out) to New York City to find her. But New York is a big city for either a person or a catfish, so I’m assuming he’s been off Twitter for so long because he’s having trouble finding her. But if he is stalking her, then this is less a missing person’s mission and more a prevent an obsessed crazy person stalk an attractive, blond, New York woman.
If he is dating her, then great. Good for him. But he shouldn’t neglect all of internet friends who think he’s hilarious just because he’s found someone that will have sex with him. Way to be a selfish jerk, @Easy_Tiger__.
- He read my blog post from January and decided that he had won Twitter
If this is the reason that he left Twitter, then I actually totally agree with him. Congrats, @Easy_Tiger__ you have won at Twitter. Me mentioning you on my blog is the upper echelon of Twitter honors, and no amount of awards from Favstar will ever make you feel as validated on twitter again. It’s best that you just pack up you jokes and head to the next social media site. It would’ve been nice to be notified, though.
- He got an actual life I’m not entirely sure what a life is, to tell you the truth. For the longest time, I thought it was a spicy Mexican dish pronounced lifé that was served with black beans and rice, and most commonly eaten on el dia de los muertos. It turns out that I was wrong about that. But whatever this “life” thing is, he needs to sell it, or give it to a homeless person or leave it in a gutter somewhere because I need him to tell jokes to me. I cannot tolerate his tomfoolery any longer.
So for whatever reason, @Easy_Tiger__ is missing from Twitter and I miss him. But it isn’t just me- @TheJustinDuncan and @goodballs are both worried about @Easy_Tiger__’s whereabouts as well. We have done as much as we could without leaving our computers or smartphones to find the man or catfish, but he’s still missing. That’s why I’m posting this blog. I need your help, guys. Below is a missing flyer that I made. I want you to take it and post it all over the internet so that we can get as many people in on the search as possible. Maybe then we will find the slippery little devil.
Oh, and FYI: I’m still pretty sure that he really is a catfish, so my missing person flyer reflects that. Please, please share it:
Peace and Ham