My Quest to Find a Missing Twitterer

A couple of months ago I mentioned a hilarious man that I am following on Twitter who goes by the moniker @Easy_Tiger__. If you’re on Twitter and not following him, you’re missing out. Or, more accurately, were missing out. See, @Easy_Tiger__ has been missing from Twitter since the middle of March, and quite frankly, I’m worried. This is a man who was, at his peak, tweeting at least a dozen times a day, and most of those were jokes that were actually funny. So you can understand why I’m upset about how he disappeared off the fucking internet like he has something better to do. Taking myself and projecting my life onto his, I have decided that that’s not the case and that he’s actually gone missing for real. And since Cracked.com has made making lists a compulsion in me, I’ve come up with a series of theories (sorry for the rhyme) of what might have happened to him.

  1. He was eaten by a bear

    The dude’s Canadian. I assume that’s how all Canadians die, just like how I assume all rednecks die of drunken car accidents in the woods or how I assume no Asians die, but just turn into dragons or Mogwais or something.

    I think the Universe might agree with me on one of those assumptions.

    I think the Universe might agree with me on one of those assumptions.

    But even if that isn’t how all Canadians die (Maple syrup accidents? Overdosing with drugs made easily available on their amazing health care system?), that still doesn’t rule out that he was eaten by a bear. I mean, have you seen the size of Canada? It’s pretty damn huge. There has to be, like, 5 million bears up there, each one more willing to eat your fucking ass than the last. Don’t Google that; I promise you that you won’t like the results. Unless of course you’re into that,  and in that case your sexual preferences are none of my business. Search all you want.

    And sure, @Easy_Tiger__ probably lives in a more populated area, like Toronto or some other Canadian city that no one really cares about, but bears can still find their way into cities. It happens in Russia all the time, and everyone knows that that country totally normal and not “Pit of angry snakes” levels of crazy.

  2. He lost his shit and ran off into the wilderness

    Who hasn’t wanted to do this? I seriously consider it every time I get on Facebook anymore. So maybe he got tired of his hum drum life as a male model in… [checks Twitter for where @Easy_Tiger__ lives] Toronto- Holy shit, I was right! Does everyone in Canada live there?! Well, in that case, maybe he needed to get away from every single other Canadian who uncreatively chose Toronto as their place to live. If that’s true, then maybe he went to Montreal. If my theory is correct (and I have no reason to believe that it isn’t) then that city should a ghost town. Or, at the very least, filled with French Canadians, but everyone knows that they don’t count as people.
  3. A blizzard knocked all forms of communication out where he lives

    It has been a pretty rough winter down here in the states, so I can only imagine what it’s been like up in that frigid wasteland. They probably still have snow on the ground. And if they’re anything like Americans, if a blizzard did actually knock out all forms of communication, including cell towers, then society probably crumbled within hours, and Toronto has probably splintered into dozens of warring city states. This will make searching for @Easy_Tiger__ a challenge, because it’s doubtful that anyone in the fallen Toronto would be willing to help an outsider on the fear that they are actually just a spy from an enemy city state.
  4. He was really was a catfish all along

    A couple of months ago, @Easy_Tiger__ posted this pic to twitter:
    Easy Tiger- Catfish

    At first, I just assumed that this was just one of his hilarious jokes. He’s always done some form of self-deprecating humor, so this wouldn’t be a stretch. But what if I was wrong? What if he actually was a catfish and he just hired a male model to tweet for him. What if this entire time I was enjoying the jokes of a Canadian catfish? Well, honestly, not much changes. He’s still been absent from Twitter for about a half of a month, and it’s still bothering the shit out of me. Although, this make the first two possibilities terrifyingly real.  We all know that Bears love three kinds of food: Fish, honey, and whatever food is in those picnic baskets. And if @Easy_Tiger__ is actually a catfish, then the threat of being eaten by a bear in Canada is 1,000 times more real. There probably is no hope for him at this point.
  5. He started dating/ stalking @NYC_Blonde

    Now, I have no clue who @NYC_Blonde is- I assume she’s a model- but whoever she is, @Easy_Tiger__ mentions her a lot. He seems a little obsessed with her, so maybe he flew (or swam if he is actually a catfish. I’m still not sure if I should rule that out) to New York City to find her. But New York is a big city for either a person or a catfish, so I’m assuming he’s been off Twitter for so long because he’s having trouble finding her. But if he is stalking her, then this is less a missing person’s mission and more a prevent an obsessed crazy person stalk an attractive, blond, New York woman.

    The evidence is really stacking up in favor of the stalker theory.

    The evidence is really stacking up in favor of the stalker theory.

    If he is dating her, then great. Good for him. But he shouldn’t neglect all of internet friends who think he’s hilarious just because he’s found someone that will have sex with him. Way to be a selfish jerk, @Easy_Tiger__.

  6. He read my blog  post from January and decided that he had won Twitter

    If this is the reason that he left Twitter, then I actually totally agree with him. Congrats, @Easy_Tiger__ you have won at Twitter. Me mentioning you on my blog is the upper echelon of Twitter honors, and no amount of awards from Favstar will ever make you feel as validated on twitter again. It’s best that you just pack up you jokes and head to the next social media site. It would’ve been nice to be notified, though.

  7. He got an actual life

    I’m not entirely sure what a life is, to tell you the truth. For the longest time, I thought it was a spicy Mexican dish pronounced lifé that was served with black beans and rice, and most commonly eaten on el dia de los muertos. It turns out that I was wrong about that. But whatever this “life” thing is, he needs to sell it, or give it to a homeless person or leave it in a gutter somewhere because I need him to tell jokes to me. I cannot tolerate his tomfoolery any longer.

Wait a damn second, he’s been playing a goddamn board game this entire time?!

Wait a damn second, he’s been playing a goddamn board game this entire time?!

So for whatever reason, @Easy_Tiger__ is missing from Twitter and I miss him. But it isn’t just me- @TheJustinDuncan and @goodballs are both worried about @Easy_Tiger__’s whereabouts as well. We have done as much as we could without leaving our computers or smartphones to find the man or catfish, but he’s still missing. That’s why I’m posting this blog. I need your help, guys. Below is a missing flyer that I made. I want you to take it and post it all over the internet so that we can get as many people in on the search as possible. Maybe then we will find the slippery little devil.

Oh, and FYI: I’m still pretty sure that he really is a catfish, so my missing person flyer reflects that. Please, please share it:

Easy_Tiger Search Flyer

Peace and Ham

Websites Past Me Never Would Have Thought He Would Frequent

For those of you who’ve read my very first post to this blog (and who hasn’t read that gem?), you may remember it being about how I dislike blogs. But everyone should notice that 102 blog posts after that first one, I still have no intention of ending this blog, nor do I hate still blogging. It’s one of those whole “People change” kind of deals. Well, since I was thinking about how my views on blogs had changed over the past three years, I’d figured that I should also look at what websites I frequent now and compare them to how I felt about them back when I started this blog. This should be a journey for all of us.

Twitter

Twitter logo 2012

Website Description

-For those of you who don’t know what Twitter is, I’m assuming this is your first time on the Internet. If that’s the case, then welcome and thank you for choosing my blog to be the first site you go to. I have all the information you’ll ever need. Also, just wait until you find the porn here. The floors of the Internet are practically caked with it.

I don't think that's porn...

I don’t think that’s porn…

Anyway, the best way to describe Twitter objectively is like this:

Imagine you’re in a giant room that is filled with millions of people. Now, imagine that these millions of people are shouting things at no one in particular. Yes, every once and a while you’ll see someone turn their head and shout something at someone, or maybe they’ll shout a response to someone else’s shout, but for te most part, they are just standing there looking over everyone’s heads and shouting things. Maybe they’re shouting a joke. Maybe they’re shouting about what their doing/ watching/ listening to. Maybe they’re shouting an inspirational cliché that they had heard once but weren’t clever enough to come up with on their own. And maybe they’re shouting about what they’re eating while waving around a filtered image of the food. This is what everyone in this room does. Every hour of every day.

And there are celebrities in this room, and these celebrities are also shouting things or shouting responses to other celebrities shouts or even shouting things that help promote important dates for them. And the rest of the people in this room will listen to those shouts and will shout back compliments or insults, depending on whether they like the celebrity or not.

And finally, up on one of the walls of this vast room of shouting people is a board. On this board is a list of things that people are shouting about the most at that particular time. This encourages more people to shout about it too. And every person is shouting with the millions of other people that are shouting, In the hopes that for once their mindless shouts are heard.

That is Twitter.

How me from 2009 feels about it

-Quite honestly, Twitter was the stupidest idea on the planet. Why would anyone want to waste their time on a website where all you can do us regularly post status updates. That is pretty much the most annoying part of Facebook. Like I want to see nothing but passive aggressive ventings about exes or updates where people fish for sympathy. It would drive me crazy and I would probably want to punch the people I follow so hard in the face that my hand would get stuck in the hole I’d create in their self-obsessed faces. There is no way in Hell I would ever get a goddamn Twitter.

How I feel about it now

-Oh my God do I love that site! OK, well that’s a little hyperbolic, but I do enjoy the site greatly, and that is largely due to the people that I follow. I’ll admit, when I first got on Twitter, I had a cruddy phone that wouldn’t let me get on the site whenever I was away from my computer. Unfortunately, the whole point of Twitter is being able to get on wherever you are. So, once I got my iPhone, I downloaded the app and started getting on the site more often. I eventually followed all the Cracked.com columnists, even the ones I didn’t have a man crush on, and then quickly moved on to random stand-up comedians, other internet comedy writers, and twitter comedians, all of whom fill up my Twitter feed with awesome jokes 24 hours a day. And as of writing this, two of the hilarious twitter comedians, Ephing Adoraballs and Kay Marvin are now following me, which makes me feel like I have been made a junior member of the Twitter Comedian group. Now if I could only get Soren Bowie, and Easy_Tiger_ to follow me, maybe I could be considered a part of the handsome ones. This is my dream. Don’t judge me.

Etsy/ Fab

etsy-logo

Website Description

-Etsy and Fab are websites dedicated to selling quirky-not necessarily nerdy- things. sure you can buy beard knit beanies, but you can also buy anything from colorful antique knick knacks to hand made light fixtures to T-shirts or other forms of clothing for the hipster in you.

How me from 2009 feels about it

-Well, I don’t think Etsy or Fab existed in 2009, but I don’t mean those websites in particular, but just what kind of website they are, which is a website where you can buy quirky housewares. There is no reason why I should want to go on there. I don’t live on my own, in an apartment, a house, or a trailer in the woods; I live with my mom, so why would I even consider buying myself a bookshelf shaped like the Bat Symbol, no matter how badass it is?

which if you were wondering, is incredibly badass.

which if you were wondering, is incredibly badass.

And then, there is the fact that I probably know nothing about how to decorate a home. I get that certain colors go together and that all the wood in a room should be the same shade of brown, but who am I, [looks up HGTV hosts] Mike Holmes? My house will probably be so stylistically confused, it would probably look like the house equivalent of a masculine straight man trying on his first dress.

How I feel about it now

-I am thankful that I don’t have more money to spend, otherwise I’d go broke on Etsy. I discovered the website officially through Dude I Want That when I saw this picture:

This will class up every bathroom everywhere.

This will class up every bathroom everywhere.

I just knew that I had to get this picture for my uncle for Christmas. And being the determined little asshole that I am, I immediately signed up to Etsy and bought the picture. And then I started browsing the site. Holy Hell. It’s like all weird things that I could ever want for a house were put on this one website for me to buy. I cannot tell you how many hours I’ve spent looking through the categories on either of these sites, but let’s just say that they really help me procrastinate writing for this blog, and even this blog post. And on a related note, I am totally going to buy that picture of Sasquatch for my bathroom.

The Onion

Onion- Logo

How me from 2009 feels about it

-Now, let me clarify, It’s not that I don’t like The Onion, or that I have any kind of reason to not read it, it’s just that Cracked.com takes up so much of my free reading time that I pretty much forget that The Onion even exists unless someone posts a link to facebook. And even then I might not even read it, because hey, Cracked posted three new articles, a new video, AND a new Photoshop contest today, and I am still in college so I still have homework and two jobs to do. Who the hell am I, Jesus? Sorry Onion, but you were going to have to wait.

How I feel about it now

-I love that website, and I’m there all the time, but I’m still smart about it. I only read the articles that sound most interesting to me. Usually when I do this, I find myself hoping that the article I chose is an actual article and not just a picture or one of their local news pieces. I have, however, gotten so good at knowing which is which just by judging by the title, but every once in a while they trick me. But that’s OK, because their actual articles and videos are usually hilarious and I kind of hate myself for not reading more of their articles over the past three years.

Threadless

Threadless_logo

Website Description

-For those of you who never read a banner on a non-porn website, Threadless is a T-shirt selling website that is largely powered by its fans. Fans submit their shirt designs, fans vote on the designs, and fans probably whip the child slaves who print the shirts. You know, circle of life.

How me from 2009 feels about it

Threadless? What the Hell is Threadless? A t-shirt site? I refuse to go there. T-Shirt Hell has my complete and unwavering loyalty. Why in God’s salty name would I buy from or even browse another t-shirt site? It would be like I was cheating on T-Shirt Hell, and T-Shirt Hell would know. They have ways of knowing these things.

How I feel about it now

-It took some time for Threadless to win me over, what with me being so stubborn about T-shirt Hell, but eventually some of the really cool- not funny designs got a hold of me, and I started shopping there. Now, I have around eight shirts from that site, including this one, which is a funny shirt. So clearly, I’ve completely given up on my college days morals of corporate loyalty. Sorry T-shirt Hell. I still love you fuckers, but Threadless has this shirt of a screaming Native American Chief, and it is one of the coolest shirts I own. So you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that you aren’t my soul site for awesome clothes anymore.

All Recipies

All-Recipies-logo

Website Description

-Allrecipes.com is a website with recipes on it. Like Threadless, most of the recipes on All Recipes was submitted by a user. That is pretty much how the entire internet works now, so that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. I’m beginning to think that these descriptions are a little condescending to you guys, and if that’s true, I’m sorry.

How me from 2009 feels about it

-I’ll admit, I’ve been to this website. Once. And that was for my super-awesome-totally-sexy-guacamole recipe. I only went there for that recipe, and only until I had the recipe memorized. Granted, I do cook for myself a lot because I’m living at home and I am this weird kind of lazy where I’d rather make food than go out and get food made for me, but I never needed a recipe website. I know what I’m going to cook for dinner, and damnit, I’m going to cook the shit out of it. I am the fucking master of chicken stir fry and the grill!

How I feel about it now

-Now, I want to make weird things. Like soup. Homemade soup! And schnitzel! And homemade macaroni and cheese! I don’t how to make any of these fucking things! Where the hell is the real adult that lives here! I NEED HER TO COOK FOR ME! I NEED FOOOOOOOOOOD

What is that, stomach? Eat the cat? I don't think I should... Well, if you insist...

What is that, stomach? Eat the cat? I don’t think I should… Well, if you insist…

Ok, I’ll admit, I do not use their exact website, but I do have their app on my phone, so I think it still counts. Now, whenever I feel like making something random, like jerk chicken, I have a recipe on hand. (I’ve never actually made jerk chicken. That was just an example. You get the idea. Stop being dicks about this.) Plus, I can access the app when I’m at the store so that I know what ingredients I need for the jerk chicken. (Seriously, shut up.) And then the instructions help me to jerk that chicken real good. (OK, now you’re just thinking up masturbation jokes… That one might be on me. My bad.)

Alright folks. That’s it for this week. And next week I’m probably not going to post anything, since I want to write another Awesomesquad! Assemble! post next. Just as a teaser, I’m going the flashback route again (kind of) and we’re going fight a certain fame monster. That should’ve just given it away. So until then, go follow me and those people I linked on Twitter. Do it!

Peace

What Life Would Be Like if I Had Superpowers (Aka Terrifying)- Part 3

Happy September 11 everybody! Ugh. That was in bad taste. I’m sorry about that. Let’s just get past that awkwardness and watch my latest video about what it would be like if I had superpowers. Just think- if God would have given me these superpowers 11 years ago, I would have been able to prevent the attacks. That one’s on you, God.
Ugh. I did again. Sorry everybody. Here’s the video.

Ok. I’m done. Peace.

What Life Would Be Like if I Had Superpowers (Aka Terrifying)- Part 2

Well, I was actually planning on writing something this week, but I decided that it made more sense to post another video.  By which I mean I was too lazy to write anything this week. Deal with it. Also, here’s the video. It’s a little bit shorter than the last one, AND had four different superpowers in it. Yeah I’m that good.

Enjoy.

Before we go, I think you should check out my friend Michelle’s blog. She’s a good writer, and an even bettern one since she plugged my blog recently. Go there.

Alright. I’m done.

Mashed Peace

What Life Would Be Like if I Had Super Powers (Aka Terrifying)- Part 1

Funny story: The sentence I use most not pertaining to my dick is, “Sorry this is so long.” And I usually use that sentence here on my blog. Today will be no exception. Here is my eight and a half minute rant about what it would be like if I had super powers. Enjoy

As I pointed out in the video, I will be doing more videos on this subject since I had so many good responses. Hopefully those videos will be shorter.

Peace.

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