This section is long, so I’ll get right to it. Here are parts one and two if you haven’t read them or need to be reminded of what happened. They are much shorter. Enjoy
Over the four days leading up to our coup of the Kardassian residence, not a single thing went as we hoped. Wait, that’s not true; Damien’s workouts were going perfectly. Damien was pushing us harder than he had ever done before, making himself resemble more of an overaggressive drill Sargent rather than a coach. But as for everything else: Shit went to hell fast. Our one potential lead on Kim’s ass, a blogger who once hated Kim Kardassian but suddenly became her biggest fan, was too mentally far gone to be of any real help, so Lady Smash and I had basically spent an entire day following a red herring, Jesse was still having issues with the Awesomebus!’s engine, Everett misplaced several of his tools, and Raul had disappeared. While searching the base for Raul, Lady Smash and I told the team about our meeting with the blogger and formulated our plan for the break-in.
By the ninth, the day our break in and overthrowing of Kim Kardassian was planned, we still had not found Raul. So while Jesse finished working on the Awesomebus!, the rest of the team did a sweep of the base and surrounding areas. Of course, Nut’n Fancy had to voice his opinions about it.
“I always said we shouldn’ trust Raul,” Nut’n Fancy reiterated for the 3,000th time, “I said that he’d hightail it outta here first chance he got.”
“His car’s still out front, Nut’n Fancy,” Everett said, “He couldn’t have gone anywhere without his car.”
“Except maybe Mae’s Woe,” GMZ noted. He then turned to me and asked, “Has anyone checked there yet?”
“Criss, Damien, Derren, Lady Smash, and Phlegm are searching the town right now. They haven’t found him yet. Do you have the keys to the jail cells?
“Hey guys!” Jessie exclaimed as we came back from checking the cells, “I got the Awesomebus! fixed! We’re ready to go now.
“We can’t, We still have to find Raul,” I told him.
“No, Minigan,” GMZ argued, “You do. The rest of the Kardashians will be leaving for Kim’s fake surprise party, and it took me all of the past three days making calls to make it work. If you screw this up, we won’t get another chance- mostly because I won’t do it again.”
I sighed, “Fine, let me get the rest of the team back here.”
I paged the team scouting for Raul in Mae’s Woe through our earpieces, and then Nut’n Fancy, Everett and I headed to the armory to gather up our weapons while Jesse went back down to the Awesomehangar! and GMZ made his way to the Watchtower. Slowly, the five team members made their way to the Awesomebase! and into the armory.
As the final member, Damien, walked in, he asked, “What’s happening? Why did we call off the search?”
“We need to go on our mission,” I answered, “We’ll resume the search when we get back.”
“But he’s been gone three days! He could be bleeding to death in a ditch somewhere!”
“Well,” Everett interjected, “If he has been bleeding in ditch for three days, he’s probably already dead.”
We all stared at Everett.
“What?!” he cried, “I’m just stating the facts!”
“I still don’t think we should give up now,” Damien said, “Raul is one of us. He should be a priority.”
Just then, GMZ marched in and announced, “I’ll keep looking for him while you guys go fight Kim Kardassian. I’ll just watch all the security footage and find where he went.”
“You didn’t do that first?!” Lady Smash shouted.
“I’m sorry I was too preoccupied with putting this whole diversion together to do something anyone else on this team could have done,” GMZ snapped at her, “but now that I have the time, I can.”
“OK, so it’s settled,” I said, “GMZ will watch the security footage.” I turned to Damien and added, “Do you want to stay here and help him with that? You do seem pretty concerned for Raul.”
“No,” Damien replied in a defeated tone, “GMZ’s handling it. I’ll come along with you.”
With that, Team Pugnastics and Team Prevention separated and prepared themselves for their tasks ahead. Phlegm would be in charge of getting us into the Kardashian house and taking control of their security cameras.
About five minutes later, everyone heading out was suited up, armed, and ready to take down Kim Kardassian. We boarded the Awesomebus!, and Jesse drove us through the Awesomehangar!’s tunnel and onto the road. The trip to LA was a dull one. It was Everett’s turn to choose the music we listened to, so he chose “Run This Town” by Jay-Z, which prompted me to retell the time I nearly crashed through his window during our fight with Donald Trump.
We got to Kim Kardassian’s neighborhood around 9:00. The road was quiet but well lit. Jesse killed the engine, and we sat quietly, waiting for Phlegm to do her job. After a minute or so, the streetlights above us went out, followed by the rest of the street. Still sore from Damien’s damn workouts, we hobbled up the street with our 500 pounds of protective gear and weapons.
This is truly the entrance to Hell.
“Hurry,” I whispered to them, “Phlegm can’t leave the streetlights off for too long, otherwise the locals will get suspicious.”
“We know and we are,” Lady Smash grunted from behind me, “But it feels like someone pumped concrete into my muscles and is forcing me to run through sand.”
There was a murmur of agreement, as well as some well-placed curse words directed at Damien, but we continued down the street to the Kardashian house. We just made it to our target’s house as the streetlights came back on. I ducked around the corner, and with my team behind me, I snuck towards the back yard.
Pressing the button on my earpiece, I said, “Phlegm, we’re in position. Take out the security cameras now.”
There was the sound of a keyboard clicking on her end, then some unintelligible muttering between her, Derren, and GMZ. Finally she said, “It’s a go. All security systems are off line. But be careful. There still is a lot of camera crews around.”
I said, “Got it,” and then turned to my team and whispered, “Take anyone on the production team out with tranquilizer darts.” I threw my grappling hook over the wall and said, “Let’s go.”
I was the first one over the wall, and I fell flat on my face. I managed to roll myself out of the way just enough for Everett to fall behind me. I stifled a groan as I stood up and then pulled out my tranquilizer gun. Once the rest of the team was back on the ground, we fanned out around the pool and made our way to the house. My steps were deliberate and slow. I moved without a sound except steadily increasing heartbeat. It was dark in the backyard; there was no lights except the ones that came from in the pool, but I felt like I could see everything. My tongue tingled, I was so excited to take out Kim Kardassian. Wait- no. I was biting my tongue. Shit. Just as I stepped onto the patio and prepared to take Kim’s back door (pun very much intended), I heard a light “puft” and then a splash of a body falling in the water. I spun around. Criss and fallen into the pool, that fucking moron.
“Did you hear that?” A man’s voice said from inside.
“Shit, Criss, get out of the pool.” I whispered.
“He can’t,” Damien whispered back, “I accidentally shot him with a dart.”
“You bloody Moron!”
The back doors swung open and two grungy looking guys in t-shirts and shorts stepped out. They immediately saw Criss and ran to the pool. Lady Smash and I got each of them with a tranquilizer dart.
“Somebody get Criss out of the pool,” I commanded to my team.
Everett volunteered, and the rest of us snuck inside, with me in the lead. The first room we entered was the kitchen. Just about everything was white, except for the black and white checkerboard floor, the matching tea kettle, and the mirror like backsplash. Something felt off about the room. As I looked around, everything from the vase full of flowers to the pots and pans, to even the plates in the cabinets felt staged- nothing was out of place. It reminded me of a staged home in a housing development through which potential buyers could take a tour. As we crept into the equally pristine den (where a soaking wet Everett rejoined us), I yet again found no evidence that this house was lived in by these people. As Lady Smash thumbed through a pile of neatly stacked but otherwise untouched magazines with Kim Kardassian’s face on them, I could tell she was thinking the same thing.
It wasn’t until we entered the front hallway until we heard any voices at all. It was a woman’s voice… Kim’s voice. Something deep inside me rose up, making my heart race and my hands tremble.
“Minigan, are you OK?” Lady Smash whispered from across the hallway.
Everyone was looking at me. It was obvious that her voice alone still had an effect on me. I clenched my fist and took a couple deep breaths. Get it together, Minigan, I thought to myself, You’re not going to fuck this up for the rest of the team. Get a hold of yourself, and block out thoughts of Kim’s ass.
I let out one long breath and replied, “I’m fine. Let’s do this.”
Don’t think about Kim’s ass.
We moved closer to the room where the Kim’s voice was coming from. Remembering the floorplans that GMZ gathered, it was coming from the room they used for their confessionals. When we got close enough that I could understand what she was saying, I knew I was right.
Don’t think about it. Do not think about Kim Kardassian’s ass.
“I cannot believe my family went to a party and didn’t invite me!” Kim’s voice cried in a betrayed tone.
Her ass, don’t think about it.
A man’s voice replied, “That was good, Kim. But let’s try it again, and this time sound more hurt. Remember, they didn’t even tell you they were going to a party. They just left you here. How does that make you feel?”
Her perfect, round, big ass. Don’t think about that ass…
“It makes me feel like I should crush them!” Kim yelled.
Crush them with that ass… stop thinking about that ass!
“Let’s work on this confessional first,” the man said, “Then you can destroy your family.”
Don’t let the ass take control. Don’t let the ass take control. Don’t let the ass take control.
Damien, who was closest to the door, put his hand on the doorknob and looked to me. I gave him a nod, and he burst through the door. He immediately took out the two camera men with his tranquilizer gun. However, Kim jumped onto her chair and spun around to show us her ass. Damien, Everett, Nut’n Fancy, and I froze in place. I stared directly at those perfect orbs, and as I did I heard Billy D William’s voice in some distant corner of my head.
“Hey baby” I head it say from afar.
No.
“C’mon baby. You know you want to let me in.”
No. Go away. I don’t want you.
“Then why do you hear me at all?”
GET OUT OF MY HEAD, ASS!
“You don’t want to make this easy for me? Fine, baby, I’ll let myself in.”
Kim started to bounce her ass up and down, and suddenly there was nothing else besides her ass. No room, no camera equipment, no fellow members of Awesomesquad!, just that ass.
“That’s better,” The Ass said, “Didn’t you miss me?”
“Yes,” I replied, “It feels like a lifetime since we’ve been apart.”
I heard a small voice, coming from a woman, say “Ugh.”
The Ass paused. It was unpleased with that woman’s ugh.
“What’s wrong, you glorious buttocks?” I asked The Ass.
“You brought someone with you. A woman. I do not like her. Destroy her.”
“Are you sure you want me to destroy her?” I replied, “That must be Lady Smash, I could just get her to leave.”
“I can hear you, you hypnotized dipshits!” Lady Smash’s voice interjected.
“She is too much of a threat,” The Ass answered, “Destroy her, and we can be together forever.”
“Of course, I will destroy her.”
I turned away from The Ass and searched through the fog in the room to find Lady Smash. She had backed into a corner. I pulled out a knife from my pocket.
“Guys,” the evil Lady Smash pleaded, “Listen to me. You’re all being hypnotized by Kim Kardassian. You need to fight it.”
“I would rather fight you,” some unimportant voice said from somewhere else in the room.
Lady Smash scowled, “So be it.”
In an instant, Lady Smash had grabbed the back of my head and smashed my face into the wall. I crumpled down into the corner with a dull pain spreading across my face. She ran out of the room. I dove after her and missed, and several other people chased after as I scrambled back to my feet.
I ran out of the confession room, my face wet with what I assumed was blood from my nose, and followed the sounds of Lady Smash and the other people to the kitchen. I unsheathed a knife I found on my vest and stepped into the kitchen. Lady Smash was backed into a corner of the kitchen, on the other side of the island, with Nut’n Fancy and Damien on one side, and Everett on the other.
The Beautiful and Glorious Ass commanded, “Attack her all at once, baby. She can’t fight you at the same time.
The four of us took a step towards her. She grabbed a frying pan from its hook over the stove, and swung it at Everett. He dodged it, but it caught Nut’n Fancy in the jaw. Nut’n fancy spun around, and fell to the floor, and then Lady Smash kicked the distracted Everett in the chest. Damien and I charged together at Lady Smash, who dove headfirst over the kitchen island. She stumbled to her feet and ran into the living room, yelling something unimportant to someone that wasn’t there. We followed her, knives drawn. The Glorious Ass had removed itself from the battle, thankfully.
Lady Smash overturned the couch and the chairs, before fleeing the room. This didn’t slow Damien, and slowed Everett and I only slightly. We chased the vile woman into the den. She had two guns drawn, one looked like a Taser, and was continuing to babble to someone.
“I know how to finish this,” Nut’n Fancy announced with a smirk.
Lady Smash’s evil eyes grew wide as Nut’n Fancy unholstered his gun. There was a “pamf” and Nut’n fancy fell stumbled to the ground with a dart in his neck.
“One down,” Lady Smash said, “Minigan, please don’t make me beat the shit out of all of you.”
Damien roared and charged at Lady Smash. She tagged him with her Taser, and he fell into a convulsing heap on the floor. While she was distracted by Damien, I charged at her. She dodged my knife swipe at the last second, but I did manage to slice at her arm. There was a spurt of blood, and an accompanying “Motherfucker!” from Lady Smash before she spun kicked me into the wall. My head smacked against the modern fireplace, and I fell to the ground.
Suddenly, there were a lot of new voices in my head. Familiar voices. They were calling for me.
“Minigan?!” Do you hear me?” The voice then mumbled to someone else, “Do you think he lost his earpiece?”
“His mind is being controlled by Kim’s fat ass, GMZ” a woman replied, “He can’t hear you.”
“I can now,” my mouth managed to speak, “Lady Smash, keep doing that. It’s working.”
“Hey baby. Don’t talk to her. She’s evil.” The Ass said in my ear.”
“It’s taking ahold again, Smash,” my voice managed to say, “Keep doing it.”
“Doing what?!”
The voices were gone. All that remained was the soothing, sensual voice of The Ass. The Ass was my world again, 1,000 times and 1,000 times more. I climbed back to my feet. With my knife in hand, I charged at her again. I jabbed and slashed at Lady Smash’s stupid, evil face, but she was just nimble enough to avoid getting cut. She grabbed a lamp off of an end table and hurled it at me. I dodged it, and the shattering glass was accompanied by a heavy thump behind me.
“Do something!” Lady Smash yelled to me.
“I’m about to,” I replied.
I reached into my cloak and found Justice Stick. I tugged on the pole and it came sliding out of its pocket. I aimed the blade Lady Smash’s throat and took a step forward. Then, I was airborne.
With the force of a truck, something plowed into me and threw Everett, Nut’n Fancy, and myself into the wall. When I climbed out from the other two I saw that magical douchebag Criss standing between Lady Smash and me, dripping wet with his arm outstretched and his palm flat. I scrambled to my feet, managed to yell something like, “Magical motherfucker!” and dove headfirst into the invisible wall between us.
Once again, the other voices in my head were back. My surroundings were clearer, and the looks on both Lady Smash and Criss’s faces were of both shock and fear. My head throbbed, and the copper taste of blood lingered in my mouth.
“Criss, Smash!” I yelled, “Keep hitting us on the head. It’s the only way to knock us out of it!”
“You don’t need to yell, dick, we’re right here,” Lady Smash retorted.
“Well, I’m glad I didn’t cut off your sass when I cut you. But seriously, sorry about that,” I said back.
“YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!”
“Only because he was hypnotized by Kim Kardassian,” GMZ’s voice interjected over our earpieces.
I climbed to my knees and put my hands on the invisible wall. I looked into Lady Smash’s eyes. The fear was still there.
“Listen to me,” I said to Lady Smash, “You’re going to have to knock the thoughts out of us. It’s the only waaa-“
Nut’n Fancy grabbed me by the throat, and with more strength than I expected from him, threw me against the wall. Sharm pain shot through my chest and back as I fell onto an end table and then onto the ground. When I looked up, Nut’n Fancy and Everett were clawing at the invisible wall. And then Kim Kardassian stepped into the room. Almost immediately, the other voices started to recede, and The Ass’s voice began to resurface.
Derren, who’s voice was grew more and more distant with each word, called to me, “Fight it! You must decide you don’t want to be hypnotized!”
“Don’t listen to him, baby. I’m all you’ll ever need. Everyone else is a distraction.”
Another voice rang out in my head. It was even smaller than Derren’s but even under The Ass’s influence, I knew whose voice it was. Mine. Remember Lady Smash, Minigan, I said to myself, You will not hurt her again. Or Criss, or the rest of the team. You will fight this ass.
“No.” I blurted out, “You will not hypnotize me anymore!”
And with that, The Ass’s Billy D Williams voice was gone. I stood up, looked to Kim Kardassian, and raised a single middle finger. She glared at me, and, without speaking a word to them, Nut’n Fancy and Everett stopped clawing at the invisible wall and turned to me.
Everett lit the burner on his flame throwers and swung the column of fire at me. I dodged it, barely. I ducked down and spun away from him, my face still catching some of the heat from the flame. Deafening shots rang out. The bullets from Nut’n Fancy’s gun bounced of the back of my cloak and clattered on the floor. The gun fire stopped- he was out of bullets. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the end table that I fell on by the legs, swung around, and broke it across Nut’n Fancy’s face as he reloaded his gun. He fell to the floor, let out a weak groan, and began clutching his head.
I turned to Everett, who had lit his flamethrower again and aimed the plume directly at my face. I high kicked, and managed to chatter the butane tube of Everett’s wrist, killing the fire. Everett then came at me swinging, but I flipped him over my head and dropped him behind me. I dropped on top of him and started smacking his head with the closest end table leg I could reach. One hard blow on the top of his skull ended Everett’s fighting, and left him groaning in pain. I grabbed him by the face, and made him look at me.
“Say that you don’t want to be hypnotized,” I commanded.
“Wha?”
“I said, Say that you don’t want to be hypnotized, otherwise I’m going to slam your head into the floor until your skull cracks!”
Everett cried, “I don’t want to be hypnotized!”
Suddenly his eyes grew wide and he let out a gasp.
“Yeah,” I replied, “ I know.” I looked to Nut’n Fancy, who was fumbling around on the ground, and asked, “Say it too, Nut’n Fancy or I’m going to clobber you just like did Everett.”
“I don’t wanna to be hypnotized no more,” Nut’n Fancy stated.
I climbed to my feet, and then pulled Everett and Nut’n Fancy to theirs. They rubbed the lumps forming on their heads, but otherwise they seemed fine. I looked around. Kim Kardassian was long gone. I stepped up to the barrier between us and Criss and Lady Smash.
“You can let us out now,” I said to Criss, “I think we have it under control.”
Criss and Lady Smash exchanged apprehensive glances, but Criss finally lowered his arm. The three of us walked through what was once Criss’s invisible barrier.
“Nice job holding us of off, Lady Sma-“
She punched me hard in the nose, making it gush blood again.
“Jesus Christ the kung fu master! I said I was sorry!”
“Stop use’n The Lord’s name in vain!”
“Well,” Lady Smash replied in an even tone, “We at least know the two of you are back to normal.”
“Guys,” Everett interjected, “Where’s Damien?”
Shit.
Together, the five of us left the den to look for our rogue teammate. We took silent steps- well, as silent as we could with Criss’s wet boots making a splosh sound with each step. We stepped (and Criss sploshed) back into the kitchen. The pristine kitchen was dark and silent. There was no trace of either Kim Kardassian nor Damien.
“Do you think he left with her?” Lady Smash asked in a whisper.
“I’m not sure,” I answered.
“Cause that would be a great twist if he really went rogue and officially teamed up with a villain and we had to defeat him.”
“But that would suck for us.”
I peered around the room, and my eyes fell on the only closed door. The pantry.
“It would make this story really interesting, though,” Criss added.
“What story?”
“Our story. Of what we’re doing. I’m breaking the fourth wall.”
“Well stop. It’s weird. Plus this is real life not some story,” I retorted.
“You’re right. Plus, the plot is vague at best.”
I shushed him and pointed to the pantry door. Everyone nodded, and we all crept to the door. I held my breath, listening for any sound of life from behind that door. Everything was still. I glanced back at my team, who were eyeing the door and clutching their weapons in anticipation, and I reached for the doorknob.
“Shit!”
The five of us let out a scream of shock.
“What, GMZ, What?!” I cried.
I turned away from the door, just a few degrees, and Damien burst through and tackled me. With little effort at all, he pinned me to the ground with his knees and held his knife high above me. In one fluid motion, Lady Smash swung her frying pan and smacked Damien across the face with it, knocking him out and off of me. Nut’n Fancy and Everett pulled me back to my feet as I screamed into my earpiece.
“What the fuck is so important that you had to interrupt us like that, GMZ?! I could have been killed!”
“I know who did it?!”
“Did what?”
“Everything!” GMZ replied, “The multiple Awesomebus! problems, Everett’s missing tools, it was all Damien! He tampered with the bus, and stole the tools off Everett’s desk.”
“Lady Smash,” I asked, turning to her, “Did you make sure that you knocked Damien out when we were watching Keeping up With The Kardashians?”
“Yeah,” she replied, uncertain, “I mean I think so. I thought the Taser did the trick.”
Damien stood up behind her with a furious look on his non-bashed half of his face.
“Smash! Look out!” I cried.
Just as Damien went to stab her, Lady Smash spun around and beamed Damien on the same side she had done just a moment before. He crashed down to the floor and clutched his face.
“Shit!” Lady Smash said with a quick laugh to the writhing bald man, “Damien, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.”
“Bloody Hell, Smash!” Damien cried.
“Sorry, Damien,” Lady Smash replied in a tone that said she wasn’t sorry at all, “But I guess you could say I’m skilleted in hand to hand combat.”
The other five of us groaned at the pun, but Lady Smash ignored it.
Criss and I helped Damien up, and the six of us trudged out the front door and back down the street to the Awesomebus!. When we got there, Jesse was humming some imaginary tune and drumming on the steering wheel. Within a second of seeing us, his expression turned from excitement to horror.”
“What happened in there?!”
“Kim Kardassian’s ass was too strong for their feeble minds,” Lady Smash answered, “So Criss and I had to set them straight.”
“And why is Criss wet?”
“A certain British teammember of ours was hypnotized this entire time, and he took me out with a tranquilizer dart,” Criss answered.
“Damien,” Jesse asked, “I’m guessing that was you?”
“No shit, Jesse.”
“OK!” Jesse added with a laugh, “Let’s get back to the base.”
Jesse started up the bus, and we drove out of West Hollywood and out of L.A. The music was turned off, and everyone sat in silence and tended to their wounds themselves. I saw that Lady Smash was struggling with putting butterfly bandages on the cut I gave her, so I went to help. She pulled back at first, eyeing me suspiciously, but then she sighed and showed me her arm. We sat quietly as I put each of the bandages on her arm.
As I put on the final bandage, I said, “I really am sorry about cutting you like that.”
Lady Smash replied with a sigh, “I know. It was Kardassian’s fault. She is just too powerful… I mean, not for me, I easily overcame the ass. But for you guys? She is quite the formidable opponent.”
Thankfully, just then, Team Prevention interrupted Lady Smash’s self-congratulatory speech over the bus’s speakers.
“Hey everyone,” Phlegm said, “We’ve scoured the tapes looking for any sign of Raul, and we cannot find him. The last thing we see of him is him leaving the Awesomebase! and stepping out of sight of the cameras.”
“I know where he went,” Damien interrupted, removing the ice from his beaten face.“He went into the woods to build a marker for Kim Kardassian.”
“So she would know where to find us!” Everett exclaimed, his eyes wide at the revelation.
“Jesse,” I commanded, “Get us back to the Awesomebase! as soon as possible.
“Sure thing, Boss!”
We got back to the base sometime in the middle of the night, and everyone other than Lady Smash looked far worse than before we got on. I my skin was pale and my face was caked with dried blood, Everett and Nut’n Fancy were sporting several large goose eggs on their heads as well as a few bruises to their face. Everett was limping. I think getting thrown into the wall by Criss’s magic may have sprained his ankle. But Damien was by far the worst. He looked like if Two-Face from Batman and an orc had angry tequila sex and had a mutant Halfling baby. The one side of his face was almost completely black and blue, and it had swollen up so much that his eye was forced shut.
We met up with team prevention, and everyone followed Damien into the woods, flashlights drawn, down our old sexual walkabout trail- turned obstacle course (yes, we did keep the signs up) to the clearing were we used to keep the Awesomecopter! Damien stopped at the edge of the clearing, but I walked past him to get a better view. Then, without warning, I ran out of ground. Damien managed to grab hold of me around my chest as I dangled over a deep hole that wasn’t there before. When I stopped looking the ground several feet below me, I saw what Raul had built. Two giant, round, perfectly identical mounds of dirt, at least forty feet tall, sat in the center of the clearing. On top of one of the mounds was Raul. He was crouching down, and it looked like he was stroking the mound.
“It’s a giant butt,” Nut’n Fancy said in awe.
“It’s Kim’s giant butt,” GMZ added.
It’s glorious.
Damien let me down first, and then everyone except Everett jumped down after me, and we made our way out of the giant ditch and up the mound to Raul. Nut’n Fancy and Criss managed to subdue him without much of a fight.
“Ok,” I said, “Who wants to beat the hypnosis out of him?”
“Not me,” Lady Smash replied, “I think I’ve beaten him up enough for one year.”
“No one has to beat him up, you bloody savages!” Derren yelled, “I can pull him out of the hypnosis without violence.” “Come, Criss,” he added as he started to walk back to the path, “Bring him back to the base and I’ll fix him.”
Once they made it up the ledge and back onto the path with Everett, I looked to my team and said, “I think taking the giant ass monument can be left for tomorrow, what do you think?”
My team murmured in agreement, and we all made our way back to the base to get some much-needed recovery sleep.
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Ramblings of a Madman 
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