Nostradamus was a Nostradouchebag

That’s right, I said it. And you know what? I am frankly a little upset that I am the only one on the internet (I did not fact check this statement) who is saying it. In lieu of that, I will say it again, Nostradamus was a Nostradouchebag. Or possibly a Nostradumbass. Here is my reasoning for it:

It really all comes down to a single question: Did Nostradamus know that he was predicting the future when he was writing those goddamned quatrains? Let’s take this question hypothetically and answer it as such.

If the answer is “NO”:

If he did not know that what he was writing down was “prophesies of things to come,” then why did write it all down? He felt compelled? Bullshit. I felt compelled to write a bunch of poetry in 2008, and all that came out of it was the realization that I cannot write good poetry.

“But what if he was given the ability to see future without knowing what it meant by a higher power?” you may be asking me. Which, in all honesty is stupid of you, seeing as though I cannot read your thoughts and I am probably not sitting in the same room as you read this. But I will answer it anyway because you want me to. My answer is this: God made Mohammed, Jesus, Moses, and Abraham prophets.  And all of them ( though they could very easily be considered crazy) at least preformed some kind of amazing feat. They were all able to back themselves up with the muscle of a higher power.  Hell, Moses was as crazy as you would expect a guy who was abandoned in a river and wondered through the desert for 40 years to be, but God still gave him a staff that could turn into a snake and the ability to murder the shit out of some Egyptians. God did Moses the favor of backing him up when shit was going to get real. He did not do that with Nostradamus. Nostradamus, just made some crazy claims in the forms of 4 line poetry.

Judging by some of the “predictions” it’s almost as if good ole merciful Yahweh didn’t even give a damn. Either God really stopped giving a damn after we killed his son (that would account for The Dark Ages), He ran out of good ways to tell us things, or Nostradamus was a shit-house crazy old man who lost it after his first family got murdered by the plague. I’m going with that last one; No one claims that Batman knows the future, and basically the same thing happened to him.

And that’s not even taking into account that if God really did give Nostradamus those predicitons, then why in the holy name of fuck did He code them in poetry? He gave us The 10 Commandments as 10 simple, easy to remember sentences, and we still get them wrong all the time. Why did He think we were going to be able to figure the quatirains out before the events take place? If He did have anything to do with Nostradamus’ prophesies, then He is either a total dick, or He fucking loves irony.

If the answer is “YES”

Then Nostradamus is a dick. It’s that plain and simple. He is a dick for seriously writing down every goddamn quatrain,  every line, and every word as a goddamned riddle. Here, this picture will illustrate what I mean:

If  he really knew that all these bad things were going to happen, he could of at least  wrote the warnings in clear, understandable prose that would be impossible to misinterpret. I mean after all, we are talking about massive wars and hu-mon extinction here. And yes, Prose did  exist back then because that’s how everyone talked. Thinking that people in the 1500s and 1600s talked like they were in a Shakespeare play is like people 500 years from now thinking that everyone from our time act like the drunk assholes from Jersey Shore.

Seriously though, Nostradamus really should have spelled it fucking out for us.

“Oh, Hister meant Hitler, and Hitler was born near the Hister portion of the Danube River? Well thanks for letting us know Nostradamus. I mean, yea 6,000,000 Jews are dead, all of Europe is one big pile of rubble, and Japan got nuked twice, but you still warned us. Sure it would have been great if you would have just told us flat out, so that way we wouldn’t have let things get this bad. But hey, hindsight is always 20/20, right?” Fuck you and your plague riddled family, you godforsaken charlatan.

Oh, and for those of you who do not know what quatrain I referenced in the previous paragraph, it’s this one:

Out of the deepest part of the west of Europe.

From poor people a young child shall be born.

Who with his tongue shall seduce many people

His fame will increase in the Eastern Kingdom.


First of all, Hitler’s parent’s weren’t poor; sure they weren’t rich, but they had enough money to send him to school after all.

Secondly, what counts as “The deepest part of the west of Europe?” To me Deep Western Europe would be more west, not more east, but hey I’m only using logic.

And finally, the third line, “Who with his tongue shall seduce many people.” I wonder who else did that…

Muhammed Ali

Bill Clinton

Martin Luther King Jr.

Barack Obama

Glenn Beck

Sarah Palin


Ronald Reagan


Dane Cook


I would like to point out that I did not have any order for the pictures above. I just brainstormed there. Deal with it. What I’m saying is that being a good public speaker and very charismatic will get you power, and you just have to hope that the person does not use that power for evil. I’m all for calling Hitler the Anti-Christ, but based on that quatrain, anyone can show up at any-time and fit that same description.  Hitler then becomes some evil prick that makes time traveling baby murderers something honorable.

Oh and in case you’re wondering where all this is coming from, I read this article a couple of days ago on Vice Magazine’s website. It was pretty interesting, but also pretty depressing, because they said that the world was going to end in 4 weeks. But they also said that it will be caused by a huge earthquake  traveling East to West with the new day. Apparently you cannot trust anyone in the priesthood when it comes to anything with geology.

What I am getting at with this ramble is that we don’t know when the world is going to end, and we never will. The only reason we do this shit is because we all love the “we’re all going to die” scenario, probably because we are all secretly hateful bastards and want to see our enemies die, while we stuggle heroically.

The thing is that we hu-mons will never know the future, and no amount of gypsy blood or DNA modification is going to change that.  This means that all the end of the world conspiracies are trying to say they are the needle in an infinitely large haystack. Even the prophesy that the 2 Northernmost countries in the world would destroy each other in a nuclear war. The two Northernmost countries, by the way, are Russia and…..

Well, shit

Hey,  If there are any Canadians reading this right now,  I am willing to sell you Alaska for $500 on the condition that you must take the entire Palin family with the deal. You may do with them whatever you wish.

I am not saying that we are going to be here forever, and I am definitely not saying that all the doomsday scenarios are not possible. What I am saying is that we humans are not privy to that kind of information. Only Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, The Maya Death Gods, or Barack Obama know when that is going to happen. But if Yahweh is the one pulling the strings, Palm Sunday was pretty good proof that I am safe, or that God has a great sense of humor (see footnote for story… yea, there’s a footnote).

God fucking loves irony so much that he fucks it and calls it the next day.

Footnote: On Palm Sunday, I went to church with my mom, as all begrudgingly good Catholics do. At the end of Communion, I was kneeling in the pew, watching the distributers bring the Gifts (The Body and Blood, or the crackers and wine, depending on whether or not you are a heathen). And as I knelt there, I watched the last woman bring her plate o’ Christ up to the altar, and I couldn’t help but wonder “how funny would it be if she tripped right now? Those crackers would go flying everywhere, it would totally ruin the tone of the service from solumn to slap-stick. I just hope I could keep myself from laughing.” She made it up to the altar just fine, but when she was headed back to her seat, she tripped and fell  right in front of the entire congregation. Everyone, including myself, gasped. I thought it was funny, not because she fell, but once she did, I thought “Oh shit, did I do that?” My next thought was “Hey God, thanks for answering my question and all, but honestly, I was okay with letting that one go. I didn’t know the answer to that one. You really wasted your time on me when you could be helping the people in Japan right now. But still, thanks, I do know the answer to my question now : it was kind of funny.

Alright, I’m done.

Peace until the world ends in 4 weeks


The Monsters We’ve Made, and How to Kill Them

A lot of interesting things happened this week. My older sister came out. No, not of the closet, out to my house. However that would have made my week much more interesting… Anyway, after my older sister came out of the closet, both of my sisters, my mom, and I played guitar hero. My mom confuses me sometimes. I’m not sure whether she is cool or not. For instance, last Friday she rented “Pineapple Express” and “I Love You Man” not for me to watch, but for her to watch. The entire weekend I kept thinking My mom is pretty damn cool. But then on Monday, we were playing “Santeria” GH World Tour, and she said, “Is this The Black Eyed Peas?” I was dumbfounded a little, but luckily my older sister was able to laugh and able to tell her that it was the band was Sublime. I did manage to get out “How could you mix Sublime and The Black eyed Peas up?” Now I am debating whether or not my mom is cool. I guess I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s cool just because I don’t give a damn about Sublime or The Black Eyed Peas.

I may look unhappy, but i was actually having a blast.

I may look unhappy, but i was actually having a blast.

I also started to buy items for my Halloween costume. I’m not going to tell you what I am going to be, but lets just say, it is more work than I expected. I have 4 of the 6 major components in my possession now, but I still have to buy at least 10 more small things for it to be complete.

Today I spent 3 hours zip lining from tree to tree in the Hocking Hills. That was fun, and I was the fastest zip liner there. That’s right, take that women and 40 year old men! Who kicks ass? I KICK ASS!!! I did miss the OSU game, but oh well, I heard that we won, so that’s good enough for me.

I also almost died in a battle royale that occurred on the mean streets of Columbus, but you probably don’t want to hear about that.

Anyway on to this week’s ramble…

Our world is in a crisis of mythic proportions. And sadly, my superhero team is still in the planning stages. In lue of that fact, I will tell you, my faithful readers, how to fight this problem head on. Luckily for you, you will not need any type of artillery to defeat this current threat, only self-control and determination.

With the recent “Black Jesus” outburst at the MTV VMAs, there has been a lot of talk about the said celebrity on TV and the internets. You all know who I am talking about. But I’m not just talking about that sunglasses mannequin.  It seems like every week another celebrity is getting attention for doing dumb shit, and reaping the benefits of free publicity.

Here are some rules of how to make a celebrity not famous any more.

  1. Do not watch their TV show, read their book or blog, or listen to their music. Not even the older stuff. Not buying their stuff is not enough, you have to refuse to be influenced by their writing and music all together. Even if you borrow the CD or book off of a friend, the celebrity still wins.
  2. If there is some other type of item that is endorsed by the celebrity, do not use that item. For instance, if you think George Foreman is a douchebag that deserves a cancer/AIDS hybrid disease. Do not let a George Foreman Grill into your home, and make up a reason like you believe that a George Foreman grill was invented by the Devil to get Americans to eat healthier. Never give the real reason.
  3. DO NOT tell anyone to not watch the celebrity’s show, read their book, go to their blog, or buy their CD. When you make something forbidden, the forbidden object becomes more appealing. Why do you think Eve was tempted by an apple? Apples aren’t that tempting unless you’re me and the apple is a granny-smith. Mmmm, granny-smith apples.
  4. Do not make up fake rumors about them. They probably won’t be believed, and if they are, then they get media attention and so does the celebrity. Also, it will be eventually realized to be a lie.
  5. Keep that person out of your everyday conversations. If someone brings up that celebrity’s latest shenanigans, give that person a dirty look and change the topic.
  6. Stop mentioning them in you twitter and facebook status updates. Along that line, avoid anything on facebook, twitter, and myspace (who am I kidding? No one uses myspace anymore). No bumperstickers, no commenting or liking pictures or statuses that mention that celebrity, and no quizzes with the celebrity’s name in the title.
  7. Be strong. No matter how much you hate a certain celebrity, do not talk about them. That will only lead to a discussion about them and possible twitter and facebook status updates. This is bad.
  8. Remember: for a celebrity even bad publicity is good publicity. They want to be talked about; that is how they get jobs.

And if you were wondering if I am going to follow these rules with a particular celebrity; yes I am. I have actually formed a list of celebrities whose fame I will attempt to destroy via lack of publicity. Here they are:

  1. Kanye West ( I still cannot believe he did that to Tyler Swift’s vagina)kanye
  2. Glenn Beck
  3. Larry the Cable Guy
  4. Perez Hilton (whoever that is)questionmark
  5. Bono
  6. Sean Penn
  7. Jimmy Fallon ( I should have done before he got his own TV show)
  8. Tila Tequila
  9. Flava Flav
  10. Terrell Owens
  11. The Octomom aka Nadya Suleman aka the walking uterus
  12. Spencer Prattdouchebag
  13. Heidi Montag
  14. Rosie O’Donnell- this dude has been on TV long enough- I mean have you ever noticed that at times he sounds like a woman, and he plays female roles. What guy does that? That is stealing jobs from talented actresses, and I won’t stand for it.
  15. Robin Williams
  16. Amy Winehouse
  17. Michael Baymegatron
  18. T. Pain (the black guy from the “I’m on a Boat” video)
  19. Richard Simmons
  20. Barbara Streisandmecha-babs
  21. Kate Gosselin aka the walking uterus that bitches a lot

I will never talk about the celebrities listed above ever again. They are dead to me. Oh, and if you are wondering why I don’t have Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, or Nichole Ricci on this list, it’s because they haven’t been the public eye lately. For all I know, they might have matured. [Stifled laugh]

Alright, I’m done. I need to take a…


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