Fighting a Hoard of Gypsies With Zac Efron

This is a sequel to an earlier post. You might want to read that first.

If not, then enjoy!

***

Minigan sat in the open field, staring up at the overcast sky, and then to the jar in his hands. The jar, which appeared to house some kind of large insect, glinted in the late morning sun as Minigan rolled it in his hands.

“How do I get you back up there?” Minigan asked himself more than the insect.

“Dude,” Zac Efron interjected, sitting up from where he was laying, “Maybe we use a slingshot!”

“We’ll never be able to achieve escape velocity with a sling shot, Zaccy Effs. We’ll need a rocket. But even then we need to get it to the sun.”

“You could just let me free,” The insect squeeked.

“No can do, Kinish Asia,” Minigan replied, “All you’ll do is bring about the end of days on Earth. I cannot have you do that. I think it’s best if we launch you into the sun.”

“But that will kill me! And my name is ‘Kinich Ahau!’”

Zac and Minigan replied with disinterested, “meh’s” and continued with their activities: Zac lying down and tossing a ball into the air, and Minigan mindlessly spinning the jar, making the Mayan Sun God tumble around in his glass prison. Kinich Ahau roared (which sounded as if a chipmunk was trying to imitate a panther) and blasted fire at the glass.  Casually, as if he had to do this on an hourly basis, Minigan jostled the jar and sent Kinich bouncing back and forth.

“How many times do I have to tell you,” Minigan said into the airholes of the jar, “I made sure that the jar and its lid are impervious to flame. And don’t bother trying to heat up the glass to make everything on the outside of it burn: I already thought of that and saw to it that the glass insulates the heat from escaping.”

“What kind of god are you, Minigan?” The Mayan diety asked.

“I wouldn’t call myself a god,” Minigan said, blushing, “A demigod, probably, but not a god- god.”

Zac sat up and whined, “How much more time is left, bro? This is boring.”

“It should be done any minute,” Minigan replied as he leaned over to check the time on the old Easy Bake oven, which continued to putter away at its task.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a woman step off the gravel parking lot and head directly for them in the field. Minigan looked towards her and immediately recognized her. She was tall, very pregnant, and wore a bandana around her head. It was Della.

“Minigan,” she shouted to the men sitting in the grass.

“I’m sorry, but Minigan isn’t home right now” Minigan answered in a telephone operator’s voice, “Please leave a message along with the date that you called and he will get back to you.”

Della stopped, her expression changed from one of determination to the one a person makes when they leave a message on voicemail (You know, eyebrows raised, nostrils flared. Think about it next time you leave one). Della replied, “OK, Well tell Minigan that I need to speak to him about his birthday present for me, and that he needs to get a hold of me. Or he could just talk to me now since I’m staring at him right now, and I’m not an idiot.”

“Damn,” Minigan whispered to Zac, “I almost thought that worked.”

“Me too bro!”

“Minigan!”

“Hi Della! What have you been up to lately, other than being knocked up? When did that happen?”

“Cut the shit, Minigan,” Della snapped, “You’ve been dodging me all summer, but now it’s time. You need to do something to fix the damage you’ve done on my birthday.”

“But that wasn’t even your birthday!” Minigan cried, jumping to his feet, “And besides, how is it my fault that the gypsy that I had enslaved to make your cake cursed it so that it would unleash snakes and a shit monster inside your house?”

“Do you even listen to yourself talk?” Della asked.

“Shit, dude, did that really happen?” Zac asked as he sat up.

Della did a double take at the actor whom she just realized she was in the presence of, and then asked “And why the hell are you and Zac Efron sitting in the middle of a field with an Easy Bake Oven, a bookbag, and a jar with a huge bug in it?” She gasped, “You didn’t kidnap Zac Efron, did you?”

“Not this time,” Zac replied as he cast a glare Minigan’s direction.

“Nope,” Minigan added, “Zaccy Effs is here because of his own poor decision making abilities.”

“OK,” Della replied, “But that still doesn’t answer the ‘Why.’”

Minigan picked up the jar with Kinich Ahau in it and tossed it to Della. Inside the jar, Kinich screamed a tiny scream as he flew through the air.  When Della caught the jar, he fell into a pile of himself on the bottom. Della looked inside curiously as the Mayan god of the Sun returned to his feet, brushed himself off, and then began punching the glass with his bare hands. Each hit bouncing off the glass with a light “clink” that just barely escaped the airholes.

Before Della had a chance to ask, Minigan stated, “That is the Mayan god of the Sun Kinish Asia-“

“Kinich Ahau!” the little imprisoned man interjected.

“And last year, he tried to bring about the end of the world. Zac and I stopped him, and now we’re trying to figure out how to get him back to the sun.”

“Why’s he so small?” Della queried.

“We had to keep him somewhere,” Zac added, “If he touches the ground, the world will end. So Minigan decided to shrink him down and put him in a jar until we could get him back to the sun.”

“Ok,” Della replied, uncertain, still staring at the captured Mayan diety, “So you two were sitting out here because?”

Minigan replied, “Because NASA won’t let us borrow one of their rockets so that we can blast a jar into the sun-“

“Obviously.”

“The selfish Jerks,” Zac interjected.

“Yes,” Della retorted snarkily, “That is the problem.”

“So, I had to go about my normal methods,” Minigan continued, “By which I mean taking a drug that will let me warp reality to my will.”

Minigan ushered Della towards the Easy Bake Oven. He continued, “Cooking in the Easy Bake Oven right now is a drug I like to call Olivia Wilde. It’s a powerful hallucinogen that will send the user on very realistic trips.”

“I hate to break it to you, Minigan,” Della replied, “But that Easy Bake Oven isn’t cooking anything; the plug is stabbed into the ground.”

“It’s all in accordance to how you make Olivia Wilde, Della!” Minigan cried, “You must cook the specific ingredients in an Easy Bake Oven with its plug in the dirt, the morning before the First Quarter Moon.”

“Minigan was supposed to have a batch already done, but apparently he was ‘too busy’ to spend four hours in a clearing as he waited for the drug to cook last month, even though he promised to.”

“I had shit to do!” Minigan cried, “I’m sorry that my career hasn’t given me so much down time that I can waste a morning like you clearly can.”

“How will a hallucinogen help you warp reality, though?” Della asked.

Minigan answered, “By mixing it with this…”

Before Minigan continued, he began to rummage through his bookbag and pulled out two jars. The first was a glass masonry jar, similar to the one in which Kinich Ahau was imprisoned, but this one had a metallic coating on the bottom. The other was plastic with a blue lid, was filled with ice, and had a red and white object lodged in the center.

“Once the Olivia Wilde is complete, you mix one of these,” Minigan shook the plastic jar, “into the powder to create the drug that lets the user change any aspect of reality that he or she sees fit.”

He handed both jars to Zac, and began another search through his book bag. This time, his search yielded him a lighter, an unused red candle stick, a small glass vial filled with a clear liquid, and an eyedropper. Minigan  sat Indian style on the ground and had Zac place the two jars in front of him. Minigan then sat the candle stick and the eye dropper on his lap and arranged the vial and two jars in a line in front of him. He opened both jars, and pulled the red and white object out from the plastic one. The white of the object turned out to be a paper towel, and the red was the blood that seeped through. Della and Zac recoiled in disgust as Minigan unrolled the paper towel to reveal three severed fingers. With his thumb and index finger, Minigan gingerly picked up one of the fingers and dropped it into the metal lined jar, then rerolled the remaining two fingers and returned them to the ice filled jar.

Minigan raised the jar with the finger it to a grossed out Della and Zac, and stated, “This is one of Charlie Sheen’s fingers. If you remember his outbursts from 2011, you’ll remember all the crazy things he said about himself: that he is a warlock from mars, that he has tiger blood, that he himself is a drug. That last one is true. Sheen had done so much drugs during his life that he can now be classified as a narcotic. Of course, Charlie Sheen is dangerous by itself, which is why I always cut it with Olivia Wilde.”

“So, you’re telling me that that is one of three severed fingers of Charlie Sheen that you just have?” Della asked with a look of suspicion and disgust frozen upon her face.

“Damn Minigan,” Zac added, “That whole thing happened two and a half years ago. Those jokes are so tired, dude.”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH, YOU PERMINANT CASE OF BED HEAD MEGA-DOUCHE!!!!”

Zac Efron after being attacked by a colony of bats, probably.

Zac Efron after being attacked by a colony of bats, probably.

As if Zac had said nothing at all, Minigan continued, “Della, yes, those are Charlie Sheen’s actual fingers. He can regenerate them. He actually gave me three because he is getting tired of me bothering him all the time. Anyway, I first have to burn the finger down into ash before I can cut it with Olivia Wilde. That’s what this other stuff is for. I learned that if I light the finger in a silver lined jar, with a virgin candle made of beeswax, and then add a drop of Alaskan glacier water, the process takes a few seconds instead of a few hours. Watch.”

Minigan lit the candle, and then pressed the flame up against the finger. Once the flesh started to blacken, and the smell of burning meat crept out of the jar and into the air around them, Minigan pulled the candle out, took a drop of water from the vial, and dropped it onto the burning finger. Instantly, the finger burst into vibrant blue flames. It spun around madly in the jar, emitting a high pitched squeal as it did. The flames quickly engulfed the entire inside of the jar and were shooting out the top. It did this for a couple of seconds before an orange fireball erupted from the jar and straight up into the air. The fireball fanned out to form a tiger, and as it did, disembodied guitar riffs rang out from the jar itself. Just as quickly as the fire had begun, it was extinguished, leaving only the smoldering ashes behind.”

“What the hell was that?!” Della cried.

“The raddest fucking thing I’ve ever fucking seen, that’s what that was!” Zac answered. “Minigan, bro, do it again!”

“Sorry Zaccy Effs, but I need to keep the other two fresh until I need them.”

Della pinched the bridge of her nose, “So you’re going to cannibalize Charlie Sheen’s fingers after you mix it with whatever you’re not cooking in that Easy Bake Oven.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘cannibalizing.’ And I already told you, The Olivia Wilde is cooking.”

Della pulled the hair on the sides of her head, quickly losing patience with the situation, snapped, “No, Minigan. Nothing’s cooking. You have that damn toy plugged into the dir-“

The Easy Bake Oven’s timer went off with a “ping.” Zac cried excitedly and grabbed the oven by its sides. The hissing sound of searing flesh and the second degree burns that accompanied it transformed Zac’s excited cry into a pained wail.

Easy Bake Oven: burning stupid kids since 1965!

Easy Bake Oven: burning stupid kids since 1965!

“Damn it, Zac,” Minigan shouted as he slapped the back of the actor’s head so hard that it knocked the oven out of his hands, “How many times do I have to say it? Oven- Hot. Oven like fire. No touch.”

As Zac whimpered at his blistered hands, Minigan used the purple pusher/ spatula to retrieve the cake pan containing the drug. Della wasn’t sure what exactly she was expecting to see, but what came out what definitely not it. In the pan was a flat, homely, moldy green disk. It had a texture similar to old corks, and its scent was akin to warm compost. Minigan overturned the pan, and the disk plopped heavily into his hand. Despite the heat from the Easy Bake Oven, the disk was surprisingly cool to the touch, and Minigan was able to hold it in his bare hands without even a wince. Then, Minigan dropped the hideous green disk into a plastic bag. Minigan then snapped the disk in half, and both halves turned to a brilliant royal blue. He broke the pieces in half again, and the color shifted from blue to indigo. He split the four pieces in half again, and the crumbling chunks turned violet. From there, he crushed each piece into powder, and once all eight pieces were nothing but dust, the color changed one last time from violet to hot pink.

Minigan dumped the Charlie Sheen ash into the bag, gave it a light shake, and then announced, “Alright. It’s ready. Let’s launch this Mayan God into the Sun.”

“But what about fixing my house!” Della cried, “I’m going to have this baby soon, and I’d really appreciate it if my living room no longer had holes in the walls or stink like a sewer.”

“C’mon dude,” Zac requested, “We can send Kinish Asia-“

“Kinich Ahau!”

“into the sun after we fix that house. It won’t take that long; we can just montage it!”

“That’s not going to work,” Minigan replied, “We’re talking about powerful gypsy magic here.  That isn’t something our drugs can fix on their own. We’ll have to find the gypsy and ask him to change it back himself.”

“This is why you don’t enslave gypsies, Bro!” Zac scolded.

“You shouldn’t be enslaving anybody!” Della added. Then, remembering that nothing she could ever say would affect how Minigan acts, she asked, “Do you have any idea where the gypsy would’ve gone after he escaped your capture?”

Minigan pondered for a moment, and then answered, “Well, he was a Polish Gypsy, but he and his clan were nomadic, so I’d say somewhere in Eastern Europe.”

“Oh, well that narrows it down,” Della replied sarcastically, “If you would have said all of Europe, I would have been like, ‘Let’s just give up- that’s too much land to search.’ But since you said Eastern Europe, that’s much more doable for the three of us.”

“It will be once I take this,” Minigan  replied as she shook the drug filled bag in front of her.

“Why you?” Zac asked.

“Because I remember what happened last time I let you take the drugs without me.”

“Honestly, Minigan, I’d feel better about this whole thing if you weren’t the one with reality warping superpowers,” Della insisted, “Let Zac have it.”

“But… But…”

“Minigan,” Della begged, “I’m asking you as a- well- friend. Please let Zac have this.”

Minigan felt defeated, but he obliged. He shoved the bag into Zac’s chest, and Zac immediately started pouring the powder into his mouth. Almost immediately, Zac Efron’s eyes began to roll in opposite directions.

After a few seconds of doing this, his pupils darted back to the center, and he stated, “OK. We’re going skydiving.”

“OK-What?!?!” Della and Minigan cried in unison.

A blast of icy wind hit them both from behind as their diving instructor opened the door of the plane. They looked to Zac, who was wearing an Army green jump suit, aviator sunglasses, and a parachute back pack.

“Are you two ready? Zac Efron asked the uneasy Minigan and the terrified and still very pregnant Della. The roar of the wind made it hard for them to hear, but Zac made sure to yell it loud enough so that they could.

“No!” they answered in unison.

“We don’t even have parachutes!” Della added as she tried to step away from the airplane’s open door.

“It’s too late to start worrying about those kinds of luxuries, dudes,” Zac replied. He then grabbed a hold of an exposed beam above his head, swung both of his legs out in front of him, and kicked Minigan and Della in the rears, sending them tumbling out of the cabin of the cruising airplane. Zac did a running front flip out of the door, and zoomed down to his freefalling compatriots. Della was face up, her arms and legs flailing wildly and her long, dark brown hair obscuring her face. Minigan was facing the rapidly approaching earth, his mouth open wide and the wind expanding his cheeks, making it look like he was breathing out while his mouth was pressed up against a window.

Zac spun, dipped, darted, whirled, and whipped around them, making him look like he had the flying capabilities of Superman. He spun around to face them both and yelled, “Don’t worry, you two will land lightly on your feet when you hit the ground.”

This didn’t sooth either of them. As they plummeted for the next thirty seconds, both Minigan and Della panicked and flailed their limbs accordingly. But Zac was right. Right as they were about to hit the ground, all three sky divers slowed, and their legs swung down thanks to some invisible force. Each of their feet  gently touched the cracked, unkempt concrete as if they were only coming down of a single step.

“Minigan, Della, Welcome to Pryipat Ukraine.” Zac announced brightly to his shaking and panting cohorts.

Once he caught his breath, Minigan charged at Zac, yelling, “You kicked us out of a plane you son of a bit-“

“You’re a flaccid penis monster, Minigan!” Zac cried just Minigan swung a fist at his jaw.

The penis monster Minigan toppled forward into a pile on the irradiated ground, but not before landing a soft punch across Zac’s face. Zac laughed hysterically as the puddle of penises that was once Minigan Blackwood feebly gasped for air, his penis ribcage too weak to prevent his body collapsing upon itself.

“Despite how much I love seeing someone giving Minigan a taste of the torture he inflicts upon the rest of us,” Della said to Zac between sucking in lungful’s of air, “There is no one on this planet I hate more than you right now. So change him back before I punch the dick off you. Do you understand, bro?”

“Ugh, fine,” Zac replied, “Minigan isn’t a penis monster. Just his normal self.”

Zac reached out his hand to help Minigan up, but when Minigan swung his arm up, he missed Zac’s hand and punched him directly in the groin. When Zac leaned over and instinctively clutched his pummeled genitals, Minigan hit him with a right hook that sent him toppling to the ground.

As Zac, rolled on the ground, his hands wrapped around his crotch, as if doing that was the only thing keeping his balls from falling off and running away, Minigan climbed to his feet and said, “Really, asshole? You made my bones flaccid dicks too!?”

“Oh, shut up, Minigan,” Della snapped, “It’s your fault we’re here in the first place.”

“My fault?! Let’s not forget who decided to give fucking Troy Bolton here “Drug Fueled Leader” status.”

Della didn’t reply, but instead looked around at the long since abandoned amusement park they had landed in. Directly behind them was the bumpercars; the years of neglect had stripped the pavilion of its roof, and allowed tufts of foliage to break through the floor between the rusted cars. About thirty or so yards to their left was the Ferris wheel, its weathered skeleton looming over the area like death itself.

Nothing good comes in a setting with an abandoned Ferris wheel.

Nothing good comes in a setting with an abandoned Ferris wheel.

“Why does this place look so familiar to me?” Della asked.

“Have you ever heard of Chernobyl?” Minigan replied.

“Yeah.”

“Well, this was a neighboring town that was evacuated because of the Chernobyl disaster. Usually pictures from Pripyat get lumped in with the ones from the city of Chernobyl.”

“So, we’re in a place that was evacuated because of its deadly levels of radiation.”

“Exactly,” Minigan answered. Then, realizing what Della was getting at, he nudged the still incapacitated Zac with his foot and said, “Hey, you need to make us immune to the radiation here.”

“We’re immune,” Zac coughed.

“Good. Now get up, asshole, we need to find this gypsy.” Minigan and Della headed towards a series of apartment buildings that sat on the other side of a line of trees. Zac climbed to his feet, and as fast as he could while still cupping his balls, waddled to catch up with them.

“So where are we headed?” Zac asked.

“The gypsies are probably staying in one of these buildings. We’re going to search through each one until we find them,” Minigan answered.

“How do you know where they’re living?” Della asked.

“That’s where they were the last two times I found them.”

“Two times?”

“Yeah,” Minigan stated, “Two times. The first time so that they could teach me how to make the Olivia Wilde drug, the second so that I could kidnap and enslave Vanlow.”

Della rushed in front of Minigan and put her hand out, effectively stopping him. She stared at him with a combination of disbelief and anger when she said, “So not only did you know the gypsy you were going to enslave, but you also knew that they could do magic when you enslaved one of them?!”

“I wanted to make you a really nice cake! Besides, I was going to let him go afterwards.”

“It doesn’t matter you sociopath! I cannot believe I have to say this, but you shouldn’t enslave anyone, especially someone who you know can perform magic!”

“Uh guys,” Zac interrupted, tapping them both on the shoulder.

They looked to him, but he didn’t look back. Instead, he was focused on something several yards ahead. Minigan looked around Della to see what Zac was staring at. It was a little girl. Together, the three Americans cautiously walked towards the girl, who stood perfectly still, staring directly at them. The little girl, Minigan decided, couldn’t be older than seven years old. She wore a long dress that looked like it was stitched together from different patterns of fabric. Her blouse was baggy. Minigan wasn’t sure if it was tan or just discolored from lack of washing. The girl’s dark brown hair reached her waist, and was so wild that she had to keep it in place with a bandana similar to the one Della was wearing. In her hads was an old baby doll, obviously abandoned by the original owner during the evacuation in 1986, and wore only a gas mask over its face.

The Eighties were a weird time for everyone.

The Eighties were a weird time for everyone.

They were mere feet from the girl now; she just stared at them. She didn’t seem scared, or even wary of the intruders upon her home, she just stood and waited for them to get closer. Zac, Della, and Minigan stopped. No one said a word.

The girl stared at them with her teal colored eyes for a second or two, and then looked to Minigan and said, “Minigan Blackwood, Vanlow has been waiting for you.”

“Where is he,” Della asked before Minigan was even able to open his mouth.

The little girl looked to Della and said, “Follow the smoke.”

She then turned and made an underhand throwing motion. A cloud of crimson smoke formed about ten feet off the ground, and then darted off towards the buildings. Zac, Minigan, and Della quickly looked towards one another, and then rushed to catch up with it.

As they hurried along  the abandoned streets, Minigan regularly glanced upwards towards the forlorn buildings and through the darkened windows for any sign of life. Every once and a while, he would even glance behind them to make sure they weren’t being tailed. Not even the little girl with the gas mask doll was to be found.

The tree of them followed the smoke as it made a sharp left down an alleyway, and Minigan muttered to the other two, “Keep a lookout for gypsies; this is probably a trap.”

“Don’t worry Bro and bro-ette,” Zac replied, “If any try to ambush us, I’ll just spit some acid in their face.”

To demonstrate, Zac breathed deep and spat at the nearest wall. Oozing saliva (still a pale pink from the drugs) foamed up and ate away at the wall. In a matter of seconds, Zac’s spit had eroded a hole big enough for a person to climb through and it continued to expand. The already weakened structure began to sway towards the alley.

“Shit, Run!”

The building crumbled over them, showering the three with larger and larger chunks of debris. The thundering crash of the one building toppling into the other encouraged Della, Zac, and Minigan to run faster. The collapsing building chased them in return. Della, with the weight of her unborn child slowing her down, started to fall behind the two 25 year old men in peak physical condition. Realizing this, Minigan stopped, picked her up, and began sprinting down the alley once again, the toppling building raining pieces of brick and mortar upon them as he ran.  Minigan and Della escaped the alley with only a second to spare before the building Zac spat on collapsed entirely into the other, which then folded in upon itself, leaving a colossal pile of rubble where the two buildings and alley once sat.

Zac looked back at the destruction he had caused and said, “My bad.”

Minigan lowered Della’s feet back to the ground, and in an irritated tone, replied, “Nevermind. Let’s keep following the smoke.”

They followed the trail of crimson smoke through the desolate ruins of Pripyat for an uneventful ten minutes, the smoke winding its way through the city, it’s vibrant color stood out brilliantly compared to the dull off whites of the surrounding buildings. Finally, the smoke brought them to a town square. The crimson smoke darted towards the center of the square, and then stopped. The three hurried up on it, and once they got close enough, the cloud of smoke shot straight down.

Pripyat Central Square

Zac and Minigan hurried to the spot, with Della hobbling behind, grumbling about her aching back and feet. The three looked down at where the smoke had rested, finding it resting on the ground in the shape of a circle not much larger than a fist. Suddenly, sixteen lines of smoke began creeping from the circle, fanning out across the ground.

romani protection symbol

Curious, Minigan stepped away from the central point and watched as the sixteen lines spread outward from the center. It took a second or two, but Minigan finally recognized the symbol.

“We need to get out of the circle!” Minigan cried to Della and Zac, who were still fascinated by the arms of crimson smoke stretching across the pale grey concrete, “NOW!”

All three ran towards the ends of the smoke lines, but it was too late. The lines stopped, connected to each other with an outer circle, and in a flash, a semi-transparent dome erupted from the circle, trapping the three inside. Minigan had managed to extend his arm across the line as the dome formed, but the dome formed around it, trapping him and leaving his arm flailing on the outside. Minigan tugged on it, but I could not pull it through the dome’s force-field wall.

“Uh, guys,” Minigan begged, still pointlessly pulling, “A little help please?”

Della and Zac both grabbed onto Minigan’s torso and began to pull. Still nothing.

“What the hell is this, anyway?” Della asked as she wrapped her hands around Minigan’s bicep and tugged.

“The sixteen spoke wheel,” Minigan explained, “It’s a protection symbol for Gypsies. I remember seeing it drawn on Vanlow’s hand in icing when he was making the cake for you. I looked it up after he had escaped.”

“How did he escape, anyway?” Zac asked.

“I’m not sure- Della, stop digging your nails into my arm. I would like to keep it attached.” Minigan continued, “Della and I went to confront him after we survived the attack of the shit monster, but he had already escaped. He was able to perform some magic, but nothing like this, at least, not like I had ever seen. His magic seemed to be more potion based. I think he may have picked the lock or something.”

Wicked cackling erupted from behind them, making all three of them jump and Minigan wince in pain from his trapped arm. They turned around to see the little girl who had directed them there standing at the other end of the circle, grinning a devious grin at them.

I’ve waited long for you, dog.” She said in a voice more suited for an old hag than a little girl.

The little girls eyes sunk into their sockets, and the area around them darkened. Her fingernails grew into axe blades, and her teeth flattened into large bladed scoops, similar to shovels. She charged at the three, her toothy mouth opened wide to devour her captors. She lept. Zac spit. His spit hit her right on her cheek, and immediately began to eat away at her face. She fell to the concrete, shrieking and writhing in pain.

“Nice work, Efron,” a male’s voice with a light European accent said from outside the dome.

It was Vanlow. He was fairly young, no more than a year older than Zac or Minigan, but his dark features made him look much older. His hair was jet black and just long enough for the natural waves to stand out. He wore a pair of loose, dark blue pants that looked like they were made from some repurposed canvas cloth, which was tied with a weathered looking rope. A battered button-up shirt that was several sizes too large for him draped over his torso, and its sleeves he wore rolled up past his elbow. Confidently, he stepped through the force-field dome. Once inside, he turned to the wailing and now disfigured witch and made the sign of a cross. The witch instantly exploded into a cloud of crimson smoke, which continued to hang in the air , giving the light that passed through it a pink haze.

“I knew I should have never entrusted a witch to capture you,” Vanlow said with a grin, “They do have a tendency for eating their prey, do they not?”

Vanlow then grabbed onto Minigan’s trapped arm, and, with no concern about Minigan’s comfort, yanked his arm free from the dome, which sealed the hole his arm had left. He let Minigan fall to the ground, and slowly paced away from Minigan, Zac, and Della, to the other end of the dome.

Minigan rubbed his freed arm, and begrudgingly said, “Well, thanks, I guess.”

“Now now, Minigan!” Vanlow cried as he turned on his heels and faced him, “That is such an improper tone to take with an old friend such as I. After all, I did teach you how to turn those fingers into ashes, did I not?” He started to walk back towards Minigan, his eyes flashing malevolently. “I assume you’re here to capture me once again? I’m sorry to say that that will not be happening today.

“Actually,” Della interrupted, “We’re only here to ask you to remove the curse you put into the cake. It destroyed my house, and I would really like for it to be back to normal before my baby arrives.”

Vanlow looked to her with mild surprise, “Your house? Minigan, you didn’t.”

“No. No. No. He absolutely didn’t have any involvement in me getting pregnant.” Della interjected, “Nor will he ever be. I have a husband that I love very much, and I’m very glad that he is nothing like Minigan.”

“I like you,” Vanlow said to her with a friendly smile, “Did you know that he had enslaved someone to make it?”

“No! Well, kind of. He mentioned it right before we ate it, but Minigan wouldn’t accept me refusing to eat a piece!”

“So you ate the cake, knowing that it was created by slave labor?” Vanlow asked as his friendly smile morphed into a dark glare, “Then I cannot help you. You did this to yourself.”

“C’mon, Vanlow” Minigan said as he returned to his feet, “Just change it back, and then you’ll never see us again.”

“How dare you!” The gypsy spat, “You enslaved me to make a cake!”

“And you’re being a real asshole about it right now, so I’d say we’re even.”

“OK, I’ve had enough of this,” Zac stated. He then pressed his wrists together, aiming his hands at Vanlow and yelled, “Hadouken!”

I burst of blue fire shot from Zac’s hands and at the chest of Vanlow, sending him sailing far outside the dome prison. Zac then turned to the dome and began to feverishly spit on it. Each wad of spit sailed through the dome as if nothing was there. Almost instantly, Vanlow was back on his feet and inside the dome, with tendrils of dark blue smoke stretching out from under his shirt and wrapping around Zac. With a light flick, the smoke tossed Zac across their prison, and he slammed hard into the force-field wall on the other end. Zac fell to the ground in a heap and didn’t move.

“You see, Minigan,”  Vanlow explained as we flicked his wrist and made the dome grow arms that grabbed Minigan and bound him to the wall, “I knew you’d come back to capture me again, so I have been practicing my magic. Impressive, no?”

“Very impressive,” A struggling Minigan replied, “Who knew being a raging prick was actually a form of witchcraft?”

“Even in the face of defeat, you still make your belittling jokes. You have no sense. Your ego makes you stubbornly refuse to bargin.”

“You never said that bargining was an option!”

“Bargining is always an option with Romanis.”

“Well then, what do you want?”

Vanlow paused for a second, scratching his chin as he pondered. When he figured it out, his eyes lit up with excitement and he answered, “I want a slave, just as you enslaved me.”

“Alright,” Minigan answered, the sound of defeat in his voice, “I’ll be your slave on the condition that if I escape, we’re still even.”

Vanlow laughed a hardy, booming laugh, “Who said I want you as a slave? I want her.”

“Her?!”

“Me?!”

“Yes, her,” Vanlow stated, “Enslaving one of your friends should be a much better punishment than enslaving you. Plus, when she gives birth, I’ll have a second slave. That’s just a better deal, is it not?”

“Then no deal,” Minigan replied, still struggling against the dome’s hands, “The whole reason we’re here is to help fix Della’s house. This isn’t fair to her. Just enslave me instead.”

“Listen to him!” Della pleaded frantically, “He’s strong! He can lift a lot heavier things that I can! You can put him to work!”

“This isn’t your decision, miss Della,” Vanlow said dismissively.”

“This decision directly affects me, of course it’s my decision!” Della snapped.

Minigan and Vanlow simultaneously shouted, “Stay out of this, Della!”

“I have a magical gypsy axe!” Zac shouted from the other end of the dome.

Vanlow turned around and watched in horror as Zac swung his axe down at the crimson smoke marking on the ground. The blade severed one of the sixteen lines, and the wheel symbol, as well as the imprisoning dome, vanished.

“No!” Vanlow roared.

“Hadouken!!”

Another blue fireball shot out of Zac’s hands and hit Vanlow, sending him flying for a second time. Della and Minigan rushed to him just as dozens of gypsies poured out of the decrepit buildings surrounding the square and surrounded them. The gypsies quickly had them surrounded, each one poised to attack with their various weapons or magic.

“Hold” Vanlow called from somewhere in the hoard. He stepped through the crowd, his wavy black hair disheveled from the blow, and his eyes bloodshot and furious. He picked up a stone from the ground, held it in one hand, and squeezed. From the rock dripped water as if the rock were a sponge.  When Vanlow opened his hand, all that was left of the stone vanished in a puff of dark blue smoke. He glared at them for a second or two before saying, “So you have chosen to fight, yes?”

“You got it, asshole,” Minigan called back.

“Fine,” the gypsy replied, “But the Romani are a close knit family. If you fight one of us, you fight all of us.”

“Bring it on!” Zac yelled. He then leaned over to Della and muttered under his breath, “Get on the wagon behind us, I have an idea.”

Della looked to find the cart sitting there, waiting for her, and she did just what Zac has said.

“Family, Attack!”

The clan of Gypsies charged at the three Americans. Zac and Minigan ran around to the other side of the wagon, pulled down of the handles so that Della’s end raised, and together, they began to push. Within seconds, Zac and Minigan were on the receiving end of a series of punches, blows from various chains and clubs, and blasts of smoke that were filled with needles or caused the two to feel dizzy. Whenever he could, Zac spat at the gypsies, effectively incapacitating them with the acid in his saliva.

Minigan, still taking a beating and unable to fight them off, yelled, “Zac, we need more superpowers to fight them off!”

“You’re right,” he replied between spits, “Della, stop them with your queefs!”

“My what?!”

“ Your queefs! You have superpowered queefs! It’s the classiest superpower ever!”

“Ever, or that your pathetic mind could think of?!”

“I meant me!” Minigan cried as a fanned away a turquoise cloud of smoke that was making is eyes swell.

Zac and Minigan spun the cart around, knocking over several gypsies in the process.

“Della hit ’em!”

With a look of pure loathing plastered on her face, Della leaned back, spread her legs, and squeezed. A light “pfft” sound crept out of her crotch. Suddenly, the tree gypsies coming up on Della were blown across the plaza, as if being carried away by some great wind. The gypsy hoard saw this, and out of either shock or fear, hesitated to move any closer. Taking this opportunity, Zac and Minigan spun the cart around again, and pulled it through the newly made gap in the crowd and towards the edge of the Plaza.

“What are you waiting for?!” Vanlow roared, “GET THEM!”

The mob obliged. Several steams of different colored smoke shot into the air like arrows, and then arched down at the fleeing Americans. Della aimed her pelvis and squeezed again. After about a second, the smoke collided with the queef, turning each trail of smoke a sickly green. The smoke trails then changed their direction and rushed back at the gypsy hoard, attacking their former masters. Panicked shrieks echoed through the otherwise quiet plaza. Chaos erupted from the clan as the clouds of queef tainted smoke assaulted the people who had cast them, many of them frantically running around, blinded by the haze. In the center of the Pandemonium, Vanlow stood, seething as he watched Minigan and his friends escape the plaza.

“What direction are we headed?” Zac asked between heavy breaths.

“I think towards the amusement park,” Minigan replied, “Let just try to get a much distance between us and those gypsies before we head back home.”

“But what about my house!” Della cried, right before she blasted a queef at a burly and mustachioed gypsy whom managed to break away from the carnage in the square and catch up to them. The queef hit the man, instantly binding him with ropes. He lost his balance and fell to the ground, squirming to break free from the bindings.

“I’m sorry, I totally forgot about your house,” Minigan replied to Della sarcastically, “maybe if we just stop and ask Vanlow nicely, he’ll change his mind.”

“Can we argue about this later?” Zac interjected, “I don’t think just distance is enough to keep those people from catching us.” he pondered for a second or two, then exclaimed, “I’ve got it! These buildings can shift to form a series of blockades!

Just then, the ground beneath them began to rumble. The shaking became more and more violent, to the point where the already decrepit apartment complexes began to sway. Then, slowly at first, with the sound of concrete rubbing on concrete, each building started to move. They spun and slid over the streets, and slammed into one another, forming an impenetrable maze of abandoned buildings in Minigan, Zac, and Della’s wake. Even the ones a head of them shifted, creating an escape route that lead directly to the Ferris Wheel. After not much time at all, the three had escaped the moving buildings of Pripyat, and were racing towards the vacant lot where they had begun.

Imagine it as the cheap version of Inception.

Imagine it as the cheap version of Inception.

Della, after she carefully scanned the now still buildings for signs on approaching gypsies, uttered “I can’t believe you, Minigan.”

“What did I do?”

“This is all your fault. If you hadn’t taken Vanlow as a slave, that cake wouldn’t have destroyed my house, and I wouldn’t in the Ukraine queefing at an angry mob of magical gypsies.”

“But I’m not the one to decide that the frat guy from Seth Rogan’s new movie should take the reality bending drugs!”

“Hey! I’ve been doing a good job!”

“You kicked us out of an airplane and almost collapsed a building on us, you dick!” Della snapped.

“That’s right!”

“Hey, I don’t even need to help you bickering douchebags!” Zac snapped, “How is any of this my problem?”

The three continued to argue, and as they did, they failed to notice the plume of dark blue smoke rise over the buildings and fly towards them. The smoke arched, and then rocketed to the ground, landing mere feet away from the arguing trio. Out of the smoke stepped Vanlow, still notably furious, but also wearing a look of triumph on his tan face.

“You really thought you could escape me so easily?” Vanlow announced, but Della, Minigan, and Zac payed no attention to him, opting to continue arguing instead. Flabbergasted by such an unusual response, momentarily paused, his anger robbed from him. Once it resurfaced, he roared, “HEY!”

Minigan, Zac, and Della stopped and looked to him. In unison, they said, “Will you shut the hell up, we’re in the middle of something!”

Zac added, “You wait until the Americans are done talking.”

With a flick of his wrist, Vanlow whipped up some dark blue smoke. The smoke raced down to Zac’s ankles, wrapped around them, and then shot upwards, making Zac flip in the air and land on his neck. Minigan charged at the gypsy. He counter acted with another burst of smoke, this one throwing Minigan across the parking lot and into the bumper cars pavilion. Minigan slammed into one of the weather worn cars and collapsed onto the ground. Vanlow shot seven more smoke blasts at the pavilion before turning to face Della.

Vanlow smirked at Della, “You’re coming with me.”

“Stand back,” Della cried, “My queefs will rip you apart!”

She closed her legs and then opened them again, and her vagina made a sound similar to that of a cocking gun (see what I did there?). Vanlow was undeterred, and took a step towards her. Poot. The shock of the queef made Vanlow stagger backwards, but he quickly regained his composure and stepped up to face Della again. He raised his right hand, and emitted a thick cloud of smoke that darted at the pregnant Della. She queefed again, and it collided with the smoke, turning it a sickly green color like the others. But it didn’t attack Vanlow; It just hung in the air for a second or two before bursting into flames.

“Oh, come on, my Queefs aren’t that deadly.”

Vanlow didn’t reply, but instead shot another plume of smoke at Della. Della was too slow that time, and the smoke hit her directly in the stomach. Della didn’t feel a thing. She gave Vanlow a confused look, that is, until she felt her pants get wet.

“Guys!” she yelled, “My water just broke I think!”

Zac, with his face planted on the concrete, mumbled out of the corner of his mouth, “I’m fine.” Feeling better, Zac stood up, jumped on the cart, and yelled, “This cart can move by itself, and wants to keep away from Vanlow!”

The bed of the cart leveled, and with an awkward lurch forward, sped away from the vengeful Romani smoke lord. Vanlow created a pool of blue smoke at his feet. He closed his eyes as the smoke swirled and rolled around him, undulating as if something alive was stirring beneath its surface. The swirling waves of smoke grew more violent, and then Vanlow opened his eyes. The smoke shot up into the sky, carrying him with it. Within seconds, he was several stories up in the air, and arcing downward towards the fleeing cart. Vanlow rocketed at Zac and Della, looking like a hipster Iron Man with a serious suit malfunction. The cart sped up in an attempt to avoid the flying gypsy, but Vanlow was too quick, and within seconds was about to crash into them. That’s when Minigan dove into Vanlow’s path, and collided with him, sending both men spiraling  away from the cart.

-a few minutes earlier-

Minigan landed on his back, his body spread out on the bumper car pavilion’s floor. Struggling to sit up, he watched as seven blasts of smoke followed him into the pavilion and crashed into each of the cars. Instantly, the cars came to life and charged at Minigan. Despite feeling worn down already, Minigan jumped to his feet and dove over the first car. The second and third car charged at him at the same time, so Minigan jumped at the last second, causing them to crash into one another. He landed on the yellow one that had pink graffiti scrawled on the hood, and from there hopped over the metal fence and out of the pavilion.

You can see the murder in their non-eyes.

You can see the murder in their non-eyes.

Racing away from the bumpercars that were desperately trying to break free, Minigan looked up and saw Vanlow’s smoke trail streaking down towards the fleeing cart. As fast as his burning legs could carry him, Minigan sprinted towards the cart. At the last second, he dove, managing to grab a hold of Vanlow as he passed.

The two men hit the rough concrete and rolled several feet before breaking apart and coming to a stop. Minigan was back on his feet first, but was unsteady. His warm blood oozed from the newly formed scrapes on his forarms and face, and the dull throbbing pain in his skull made it hard to see straight.

From behind him, Minigan heard Zac yell, “You’re fine Minigan! Kick that dirty gypsy’s ass!”

“OK,” Minigan replied, his vision cleared and his head feeling fine, “Just help Della give birth!”

“What?!”

“You heard me-“

A loud clang of metal hitting pavement indicated to Minigan that the bumper cars had escaped. He looked to where Vanlow had been, only to realize he had vanished. Minigan ran back to the zigzagging cart, deciding that that was the perfect opportunity to give himself an edge against Vanlow. He dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out his secret bag of Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen. As best he could, Minigan dumped the contents into his mouth and swallowed.

“I’m on the cart,” he announced.

“Holy shit,” Zac stammered, looking both terrified and sick, “H-How did you do that?”

“No time for questions Zaccy Effs,” Minigan replied brightly, “Where is Vanlow?”

“That’s a question!”

In a pained voice, Della replied, “I don’t know. God this hurts!”

“Good to know. But while he’s still gone, we need to figure out how to stop him.”

“There’s no way to stop him!” Zac cried, a little more frantically than he normally would have, “He is more powerful than the drugs. Nothing I tried has stopped him yet.”

Minigan pondered for a second, and then asked, “Quick, what’s the one thing Gypsies are powerless against?”

“Nazis?” Della answered between breaths.

“Soap?” Zac added.

“Ugly jewelry?”

“Peddling their half assed fortune telling chicanery?”

“Bondage!” Minigan shouted, “They’re mostly nomadic. They hate being tied to a particular place! If we are able to tie him up, then maybe that will weaken him!”

“But you tied him up before and he escaped,” Della noted, “oh God, here comes another contraction!”

“Minigan please don’t make me help with this,” Zac pleaded over Della’s pained yells.

“Vanlow picked the lock- he didn’t use magic, Della. And Zac, you need to help deliver the baby, it’s the only way.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

Just then, the leading bumper car rammed into the back of the cart, making the wooden bed tilt back and forth like a seesaw.

“That’s why,” Minigan said as he pulled a handful of mines out of his pocket.

“Where the hell did you get those?!” Zac asked, “Wait a second, did you take some Olivia Wilde?!”

“Yes.”

“I thought you didn’t have anymore!”

“I had to lie to you cause I figured you would try to dick me over again,” Minigan explained, “So this was my back up in case shit went afoul,”

“You deceitful little bastard!” a red faced Della shouted in a much deeper voice that usual, “You’ve been giving me shit all day about letting Zac have the stupid bag of drugs when you had more! You petty little shit. If I wasn’t about to have a baby, I’d beat the hell out of you!”

“Hey, if I wanted someone to ride my ass, I would’ve just twerked with Robin Thicke at the VMA’s.”

Without another word, Minigan dumped the mines onto the ground in front of the cart. The cart rolled over them with no problem, but as soon as the first automatous  bumper car drove over one, it exploded into thousands of pieces of flying shrapnel. The other cars were destroyed in the same way, one at a time, exploding into pieces.

“Impressive, Minigan,”Vanlow’s voice said from behind him.

“Oh, God, the baby’s coming!”

“Tell it to wait a little while longer!”

“Vanlow,” Minigan demanded, “End this. Let us go.”

“Never.”

“Fine.” Minigan snapped, “Vanlow is tied down with chains!”

Vanlow looked at the thick metal chains that were binding him. He scoffed, and the chains vanished in a puff of Dark blue smoke.

“The three of you know nothing about me,” Vanlow muttered darkly, “Nothing about the Roma! Nothing about our culture! You don’t even know one of our oral traditions.”

“Yeah, but I’ve got a few oral traditions of my own, if you know what I mean,” Zac interjects. He goes to give Della a high five, but she just glares at him.

“Shut up, Zaccy Effs,” Minigan commanded.

Ignoring Zac, Vanlow continued, “So let me give you a lesson!”

“You’re a penis monster, Minigan.”

Vanlow shot several spike shaped clouds of smoke at the penis monster Minigan, but all they did was disperse once they hit him.

Penis monster Minigan smirked at the dumbfounded Vanlow and quipped, “So, was the first lesson that you guys are pointless?”

Vanlow let out an angry roar and dive tackled Minigan. The two men tumbled out of the rolling cart and onto the metal strewn concrete. Vanlow rolled away from Minigan and quickly stood up, and then backed away from the Penis monster on the ground, clouds of blue smoke puffing erratically out of his ears and nose. Penis monster Minigan stood up and faced his foe. Noting that Vanlow seemed to have lost some of the control of his smoke after tackling him, Minigan charged.

Vanlow dodged Minigan’s attack and screamed, “You want to fight as monsters? I shall fight you as a monster!”

The gypsy vanished in a billowing plume of smoke that grew upwards about forty feet. The swirling, dark blue cloud expanded and expanded until it blocked most of the rearranged Pripyat from view. Then, with a deafening high pitched roar, a 24 headed dragon stepped out.

Della screamed in pain, which was echoed by Zac and Minigan, who admittedly were screaming about two different things.

The dragon, with a single swipe, snatched up Minigan in its claw and brought it up to one of its many faces.

“Stop Pushing, Zac!”

“YOU stop pushing, Della!”

“THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS, EFRON!”

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!” Minigan cried, as he stared into the gaping mouth of the 24 headed dragon.

“You’ll never stop me, Minigan,” The dragon roared, “Either give me the girl, or I’ll destroy everything you love.”

“How about you not take the girl and not destroy everything I love?” Minigan asked.

“That also works,” The dragon replied.” And how about we sit down and drink of the finest wine, and eat meat that no man has ever eaten?” The Vanlow Dragon joked, “This isn’t a fairy tale, Minigan! In the real world, dragons aren’t so easily outsmarted!”

Vanlow closed his claws around Minigan and squeezed. Bursts of pain shot through his body as his bones and internal organs were squeezes to the point of breaking or rupturing. Minigan began to feel the blood vessels in his eyes begin to burst and the oxygen escape from is lungs.

Thinking quickly, Minigan used his free hand and, with what little breath he had left, squeaked, “My penis fingers are highly elastic.”

Minigan’s elastic penis fingers stretched out and wrapped themselves around the main head of the multi headed dragon.  This didn’t do much, so Minigan had his fingers urinate on the Dragon. All twenty four heads shrieked in pain as the urine burned its skin. Out of the combination of anger and pain, the dragon threw Minigan to the ground. Minigan bounced to his feet, and while the Dragon was still wailing because of his burns, Minigan ran to the cart.

“Della,” Minigan shouted, looking at her through his strained and bloody eyes, “I need your afterbirth!”

Della- Why must the all the focus be on what comes out of my vagina today?!

Despite taking deep lungful gasps of air, Minigan managed to retort, “You’re expelling a human being from it right now. Try to keep up, Della, this is important.”

“Fuck you Minigan!” Della screamed through clenched teeth.

“The head’s out!” A shaky Zac interjected, “One more push I think. At least that’s what the movies say.”

Della screamed, gave a final push, and little Myka was born. Zac caught it, and spanked its ass, causing the newborn to start crying. Zac then wrapped the baby in a blanket that he pulled out of nowhere and handed him to an exhausted Della. She looked into her baby’s eyes, and for a moment, everyone was at peace. Nothing mattered except that the baby was ok, which he was. Minigan breathed a sigh of relief and patted Zac on the shoulder, which Zac returned. Della, for the first time in months, was smiling.

But of course, the moment was ruined by the livid twenty four headed dragon lumbering towards them. Minigan quickly  gathered up as much after birth as he could, doing his best not to gag, and placed it into a large plastic bag he had pulled from nowhere. He tied the bag, aimed, and threw.

Majestically, the bag of placenta sailed high into the air, catching the light of the setting sun as it did. Not so majestically, it exploded on one of the faces of the dragon. The other twenty three heads began to screech and flail, and one by one, exploded into blue smoke.

Just as the dragon’s body did the same Minigan ran forward yelling, “Vanlow is tiny and I have a jar that is impervious to all kinds of gypsy magic!”

I tiny sounding cry rang out from the blue smoke, and Penis Monster Minigan did a running somersault to catch the miniaturized  gypsy. He caught the four inch tall man in the jar, and immediately twisted the lid on and sealed it.

“Let me out, Minigan,” the tiny Vanlow cried, “I demand it!”

“I’m so sorry, Vanny Low,” Minigan replied, “but I’m afraid I cannot do that. I gave you enough opportunities to not be an insufferable butt-hole, but you refused. This jar is where you shall stay.

“You want my curse undone?” Vanlow bargained, “It’s done. The curse has been lifted, and her house is back to normal.

“Oh yeah,” The penisified Minigan said incredulously, “We’ll see about that.” He then shouted to no one in particular, “We’re all back at Della’s house, in her living room.”

Regular Minigan turned around to see Della resting on her living room couch. The ceiling and walls were neither stained with sewage nor containing giant holes and exposed pipes. The air was heavy with a sweet smelling potpourri, not the smell of human excrement, and there wasn’t a single terrified snake in sight.

“See,” Vanlow cried, “Now can you let me out?”

“Sorry. Not gonna happen.”

“But we made a deal!”

“I’m sorry?” Minigan snapped, “We made no deal. You did this on your own; I didn’t agree to anything.”

“But bargaining is always an option!” Vanlow cried.

“Bargaining was an option until you turned into a dragon and tried to squeeze the life out of me.”

“But…”

Minigan refused to hear another word from Vanlow, and instead stuffed the jar into his bookbag. He then joined Zac, Della, and her husband and sister in celebrating the new life.

Hours later, when Minigan finally got back home, he went to his room, shutting the door behind him. With his bookbag, he climbed up to the shelf above his desk. He pulled out the jars of Kinich Ahau and Vanlow and placed them on the shelf.

Then, with a lingering look over at the rest of the empty shelf, said, “Hmm…”

THE END… FOR NOW

Preventing the Mayan Apocalypse With Zac Efron

http://www.crystalinks.com/mayancalendar.html

Apparently, twice a year we have to punch an orange tooth monster in the mouth until it sees discolored targets.

 

[Inside- arcade. Minigan Blackwood is in the left seat of a racing game. In the right seat sits Zac Efron sleeping. Minigan grabs a large tree branch from his side and whacks Zac with it.]
Minigan- Wake up, asshole, and watch how awesome I am at this game.

Zac- [Opens his eyes wider than what they should open and clutches tighter to the seat. His voice cracks with panic] Please, whoever you are, just please stop hitting me with that branch and let me go. I promise not to go to the cops.

Minigan- I would love to stop hitting you with my wakin’ stick, Zaccy Effs, but you keep falling asleep and missing my sweet driving skillz on this video game. I’m dodging the shit out of these cones!

Zac-Dude, whatever you’re high on must be some powerful stuff, because we’re not playing a video game. You pulled me out of my trailer and into this car. You have been driving erratically for the past twenty minutes.

[Minigan takes both of his hands off of the wheel and turns to his left to see a car window floating in front of him. All around it is the arcade, but on the other side of the widow are trees and a four lane highway rushing passed. The interior of a car grows from the window, blocking out every inch of the arcade and replacing it with dark grey fabric.]

Minigan- Holy shit! You’re good at this game!

Zac- Are you even listening to me, man?

Minigan- No. I absolutely am not. Besides, I didn’t take the drugs. You did. I would know if I was bending reality at my will. Do you not remember you taking the drugs?

-Earlier-

[Inside. Zac’s trailer. Zac sits in his trailer, going over his lines. His security radio crackles to life and a panicked voice yells through]

Panicked Voice- we have a security breach at the studio 12 entrance. The perp is a long haired male who is claiming to be a doctor. Everyone in the studio 12 area are advised to stay in their trail-

[several screams came from the background a new voice drowns out the others]

The new voice- Everybody calm the fuck down! I’m a doctor!

Zac- [to himself] Shit, I’m near studio 12.

“I would be afraid, but I’m way too busy trying to figure out how to put on this hat.”

Panicked voice- Somebody shoot him!

[Zac is paying full attention now. There are the sounds of a struggle, gunshots, and then a weird spitting sounds and terrified screams. This was followed by silence. Seconds later, a long haired man, about Zac’s age, bursts through the door.]

Long haired man- Zac Efron, my name is Minigan Blakwood, and I need you to come with me. I need your help in saving the world.

Zac-But the security guard told everyone near studio 12 to not leave our trailers.

Minigan- I know what that man said, but that man was stupid and had a big nose. Trust me; I’m a doctor. A doctor of Awesome.

Zac- Wait a minute… You’re the dude they were warning us about. I am absolutely not going anywhere with you.

[Minigan sighs]

Minigan- I was afraid you’d make this difficult. [Minigan pounces on Zac and manages to pin the actor to the floor using only his legs. As Zac struggles, Minigan pulls out a baggie of hot pink powder that has swirls of dark grey. He leans over Zac and says] Open your mouth.

[Zac shook his head, keeping his lips pressed tightly together.]

Minigan- [Sighs again] Fine, have it your way. [Minigan takes a deep breath in and releases it as the spitting sound Zac had heard on the security radio. Minigan’s hair stands straight out from the sides of his head and makes a fan around his face. Zac screamed, and Minigan poured the pink and grey powder into Zac’s mouth. Zac stopped struggling and screaming, and his pupils dilated to the point where his irises were barely visible.]

I was doing something like this, except with my hair and I am way more muscular that this scrawny bastard.

Minigan- [letting go of Zac] Now, Zaccy Effs, we really need to get going. What do you say?

Zac- [sitting up] I say we hit up the arcade like it just gave us lip. [Zac blinked, and when looked back around his trailer, he was actually sitting on the floor of an arcade.

-Back in the Present-

Zac- [relaxing a little] Oh yeah! I remember all that happening.

Minigan- I hope you would, this all happened in the span of 20 minutes for us. Shit, was this what I am like when I trip on Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen? Oh man, I’m a dick.
Zac- Probably. So why did you need me to come with you so bad anyway?

Minigan-[Still not holding the wheel or paying attention to the road (The car is speeding down a busy stretch of beach, people are avoiding the car by diving into the water.)] Shit! I got so distracted by the video game and you bending reality that I forgot to tell you our mission. We need to stop the Mayan apocalypse from happening.

Zac- How in the crap am I supposed to stop that?

Minigan- With the drugs you are currently tripping your shit on. The Pink powder is what I like to call Olivia Wilde, which is a powerful hallucinogen. [He nonchalantly grabs the steering wheel and gives it a good jerk to the left, dodging a sleeping sunbather] When that is mixed the dark grey powder, which is Charlie Sheen ash, the person who takes them is able to warp reality. Anything from the sequence of events to fucking with the fields of space and time. Hell, even shape shifting is possible. If you wanted, you could change me so, I don’t know, that I’m made entirely out of flaccid penises. But please don’t do that.

-Moments later-

Zac- [laughing really hard at the penis monster in the driver’s seat] This is the greatest thing ever!

The Penis Monster- God damnit, Efron, turn me back to normal. [He shakes his finger, but since it’s a flaccid penis, all it does is flop around. Zac laughs harder]

Zac- [Once he’s finished laughing] No can do, Minigan. You are so much funnier this way. Plus, you did just say that you were a dick. I just made you into a writhing mass of dicks! Ha ha ha!

Minigan- [using his penis fingers, fumbles around in his pocket and pulls a second bag of pink and grey powder] Zac, if you don’t turn me back into my normal self, I am going to take this bag of Olivia Wilde/ Charlie Sheen, and trust me, you don’t want me to do that.

Zac-Ok, ok. I’ll change you back, Captain Buzz-Kill. [Before he does, Zac takes a picture of the Penis Monster Minigan and has another good laugh at his expense]

-Another few moments later-

Zac-[To the non-penis monster Minigan] so can nothing hurt me while I’m on these drugs?

Minigan- Nope. Not as long as I don’t take my bag.

Zac- I’ll keep that in mind. Do you want to see the picture I took?

Minigan- [after a pause] Sure.

[Zac shoved his phone’s screen in front of Minigan’s face. Both men burst into laughter. Minigan looked almost exactly the same as he normally did, except in the photo he was made entirely out of penises. There are long corcscrew penises for Minigan’s hair, two thin, pink penises for his lips, and his eyes are the heads of two more penises . Once they were done laughing, Zac asks]

Zac- so, where are we going now? You said something about a Mayan apocalypse?

Minigan- Yes! We need to stop it. And we need to go where all the Mayans used to live: The Yucatan Peninsula.

Zac- So why did you choose me to help you?

Minigan- Well, I would have gone with my twin or that one Jonas Brother, but both of them are in jail. And then I was going to go with Russel Crowe, but fuck him, so I chose you.

Even he knows it.

Zac- I don’t get your logic, bro.

Minigan- Damn right. And don’t even try.

-Several hours later-

[Enterior. Car in the The Yucatan Peninsula. Both men are wearing sombreros, ponchos, and fake mustaches. Minigan is passionately singing along to a song and Zac is silently judging him.]

Minigan- If you see that the one that understands you/ been here all along/ so why don’t you see-ee-ee/ you belong with me-ee-ee/ you belong with me

Zac- You know that you singing that song when only the two of us are around makes me a little uncomfortable, right?

Minigan-Gee, thanks Zac eFrown, you somehow managed to make things weirder than when you turned me into a bunch of penises . [looks out the windshield and pays attention to where they’re headed for the first time in hours] Hey! We’re getting close!

Zac- Good. Dude, how famous do you think we’ll be once we save the world? Man, I’ll probably get so many more chicks after me.

Minigan- In that case, I hope no one finds out that we prevented the apocalypse.

Zac- Dude. Not cool. And I thought the Mayans predicted the end of the world was going to be in December?

Minigan- I thought so to until I found the tablet- Holy Shit! I haven’t told you how I found out about the real date of the apocalypse. I discovered an ancient stone tablet a couple of days ago when I got really fucked up on Olivia Wilde and somehow managed to make it to the ruins of Uxmal. I thought I was being chased by phantom bird-men, which turned out being plain old birds that were pissed at me for stealing their eggs, and I dove into a ditch. Except the ditch wasn’t so much a ditch as it was a tunnel. I think it might have been for either irrigation or sewage. Hell, maybe both. Who knows? Anyway, since the bird-men didn’t follow me down, I decided that I must be safe down there and decided to check out the place. After a few minutes, I tripped over what turned out to be the remains of some explorer. His dead expression was twisted with fear, and if I had to guess, he died staring at something at the wall behind me. When I turned around to see if I was right, I saw a golden tablet, the size of the wall itself. After rummaging through the explorer’s belongings (and taking his money) I found several large sheets of paper and a charcoal pencil. I used those to make a copy of the tablet. I then repositioned the corpse so that it looked like it was having a vigorous masturbation sesh, took a picture, and left. When I made it back home, I was able to translate everything most of it. And at one point it mentions how it will happen tonight.

Zac- Shit. What were the two symbols that you couldn’t translate?
Minigan- The location. [Minigan pulls a sheet of paper out from his pocket and points to two of the symbols enclosed by a circle of red ink] The sentence says that, “the column of white fire will rise from_____ ________ and the sun God will fall from his throne and crash into the Earth.

Zac- how did you translate it all?

Minigan- Google Translate. I mean, sure, it came out in broken English, but if you read it enough times, you can understand what they meant.

Zac- Google Translate can translate ancient Mayan to English?! How did you even type the characters into the box?

Minigan- [impatiently] Look, I can try to explain how I typed a dead language with unusual symbols into my computer, or you could not waste our time asking stupid questions and we can save the world. Now, let’s go find a Mayan and make them decipher this last symbol.

[Minigan slams on the brakes, and the car goes into a tailspin. Zac and Minigan casually hop out of the car as it spins out of control and into a ravine. They walk away as it explodes]

Minigan- We just looked so badass just now.

Zac- I know. Awesome.

Minigan-[refocusing on the task at hand] OK, now we need to ask around until we find a Mayan. We’ll have to hurry; we only have a half an hour left.

[They hurry into the small Mexican village that Minigan deliberately wrecked the car near. Despite it being so late, there were still plenty of locals in the square in front of the church.]

Zac- [looks around at the village they’re in] this place doesn’t look like Mayan ruins, and none of these people look like Mayans… What do Mayans actually look like? Would they still wear grass skirts and war paint?

Minigan- I assume they’ll look like normal Mexicans. They’ll want to blend in with society as to not draw too much attention to themselves.

Zac- Good point. Those sneaky bastards.

I’m on to you, you son of a bitch.

Minigan- But we still need to figure out who’s a Mayan and who’s just a regular, boring Mexican.

Zac- Dude, hold on a sec. I have an idea. [Yells out to no one in particular] All Mayans that can decipher these symbols glow in the dark.

[Almost instantly, several people start to emit a faint orange glow. One man sitting on the ground near a well is glowing the brightest.]

Minigan-[pointing to the glowing man] That one right there looks like he’s our best shot.

[The two Americans are instantly upon the poor Mexican, and are shouting questions at the man in such a way that he can neither understand what they are asking nor have a chance to answer them if he did. After thirty seconds or so of this, Zac grabs the man by the chest of his poncho and lifts him off the ground. Minigan shoves the paper in from of the man’s face and points to the two untranslated symbols.]

Minigan- What do these two symbols mean? I demand the answer, Mayan.

Mayan Man- Please don’t hurt me, señors.

Minigan- We cannot be held accountable for our actions. Just tell us what they mean. Where is the Apocalypse going to start at?

Mayan Man- [after studying the symbols] Chichen Itza. You’ll want to head that way. [He points off to the north.] Please let me go.

Zac- [shaking the man] Chicken Pizza? What do you mean by Chicken Pizza? Where do we find Chicken pizza in this country? Your pizza is just a poorly bastardized version of our bastardized version of pizza! TELL US WHAT YOU MEAN!!!

Minigan- Dude, I think he said Chichen Itza. That is a Mayan city.

Zac- No, man! This bastard said chicken pizza! [to the Mayan] TELL US THE TRUTH OR I’LL GUT YOU!

Minigan-No he didn’t. I learned about Chichen Itza in high school.

Zac- Fuck you and your high school, Minigan. This man is lying.

Minigan- Hey, don’t get mad at me for you not knowing history because you spent your entire high school career singing and dancing.

Who didn’t sing and dance all their problems away in high school?

Zac- Oh my god. That was a movie! How can you get reality mixed up with fiction this bad.

Minigan- I CAN SEPARATE FICTION FROM REALITY JUST FINE! [He shouts as Batman and Harry Potter chase a unicorn behind Zac. Minigan shakes his head to refocus and says] Look what this tricky bastard is doing. He’s trying to pit us against each other so that we don’t stop the apocalypse!

Zac- [To the Mayan] You bastard!

Mayan Man- Ayudame! Ayudame!

Minigan- Cierra la boca o te rajo!

Zac- [stops shaking the man, but still holds the man by the chest of his poncho] What did you just say to him?

Minigan-I told him to shut his mouth or I’d cut him.

Zac- Dude, where did you learn that?

Minigan- High School Spanish class. I lived in a terrible school district.

Zac- I’m actually not all that surprised by that.

[The Mayan pulls himself out of his poncho and runs away screaming. Zac starts to chase him, but Minigan holds Zac back.]

Minigan-No, we got all we need from the man. Let’s go. When we get back, we’ll fuck that guy up.
[The two men sprint off towards the north side of the town and run into a dense wall of forest.]
Zac- Get the fuck out of my way, trees!

[The trees jump to either the left or the right, apologizing as they do so, and clear a long, wide path ahead of Zac and Minigan. [After sprinting for as far as they can (about twenty yards or so) they both stop, completely winded.]

Zac- You know what, fuck this. I have a better idea. [He snatches a moth out of the air, puts his hands up to his mouth, and starts whispering. Once he’s done, he lets the moth go, and two giant eagles swoop down and pick up the two men. As they fly towards the ever growing pyramid in the distance, Zac calls to Minigan] It’s just like the Lord of the Rings!

Minigan- Yeah! Except, you didn’t save the most efficient way to travel until the end of the goddamn trilogy like that inefficient bastard, Gandalf.

[They both share a good laugh at Tolken’s expense]

Minigan- What did you say to the moth?

Zac- Well, you can’t tell what Gandalf says in the movies, so I just sexually harassed it. That seemed to do the trick. [Both men laughed even harder.]

[Within minutes they arrive at Chichen Itza and the eagles drop them off at the Pyramid.]

http://www.world-mysteries.com/chichen_kukulcan.htm
Zac- [Looking around] Ok, so we’re here. Now what?

Minigan- Hmm… I’m not sure. The tablet didn’t really say. [looks at watch] Shit. We only have five minutes left. Maybe we need to find another clue.

Zac- Within five minutes? Minigan, this place is huge. Even with the drugs in my system are telling me it’s impossible. Why didn’t you come here earlier? Maybe then you wouldn’t have dicked over the entire planet, Blackwood.

Minigan- I don’t want to hear shit out of you, Charlie St. Cloud. You just sit up there on your cloud, um, being all saintly and shit and judging me.

Zac- You never saw that movie, did you?

Minigan- Nope, and neither did the rest of the country. Burn.

Zac- Well, first of all, go fuck yourself. And secondly, let’s save the fighting for later; we really need something to help compensate for your shitty planning.

Minigan- Go suck Lorax dick, Efron.

Zac- Yeah, bro? Well at least I didn’t doom the world!

[Minigan opens his mouth to let out more movie themed insults, but a rustling of grass comes from behind them silences him. From the darkness emerges a large brightly feathered serpent. It looks more like a long, flamboyant chicken with no wings or legs than a serpent. It slithers I between the two and coils into a tight loop at the bottom step of the pyramid.]

Minigan- Did you summon this?

Zac- No, man. I’m not sure what the fuck to make out of what’s happening right now.

[The serpent begins to quiver and swell. Its feathers turn jet black, and all down its body Jade colored square spirals form, making it look like the serpents depicted on the pyramid. It lifts its head, and pulls itself into an upright position so that it can look the two men in the eye.

The Serpent- Welcome Humans. I am-

Zac- GIANT TALKING SNAKE!

Minigan- KILL IT!

Zac- [pulling two machetes from their sheaths on his back and hands one to Minigan] Here bro!
[Minigan and Zac hack at the serpent with their machetes, the blades clanging against the hard magic feathers and bouncing right off.]

The Serpent-[whips his tail and knocks the machetes out of Minigan and Zac’s hands] Your puny knives are useless against me. Plus, I’m here to help you. I am the Mayan god Kukulkan.

http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=56895

Now I know I’m high as shit.

[Zac pulls another machete out and tries to behead the serpent. It bounces off its neck and the serpent bites the blade off.]

Kukulkan- [in a slightly annoyed tone] You must get to the top of the Pyramid. Once there you will battle the Sun God. Defeat him and you will become gods yourselves. But be warned, this Pyramid was designed to prevent people from climbing to the top. Scaling it will be no easy tas-

Minigan- Wait a minute, Kuku…Cockol… Wait a minute, Comic-con, what do you mean by “become a god?” Will we get super powers?!

Kukukan- Perhaps. What are these “super powers?”

Zac- Dude. Superpowers? Fuck yes!

Minigan- Holyshit! I totally call being able to control electricity!

Zac- [to Kukulkan ] Wait, do we both get superpowers?

Kukulkan- If you both defeat the sun god, then yes.

Zac- [Zac’s face hardens and he looks from Kukulkan to Minigan] Sorry, Minigan, but I want to be the only god on Earth. I’m not sharing power with you.

Minigan-What?!?!

Zac- But look on the bright side, man, there is no way you’d be able to defeat the sun god since you’re made entirely out of flaccid penises. See ya!

[A giant eagle swoops in and picks up Zac, carrying him up to the top of the inexplicably growing pyramid. Several dark shapes form on the pyramid, monsters maybe, and swipe at Zac and the eagle. Then all the vertical and horizontal facings on the pyramid shift, creating a smooth slope to the top. ]
Penis Monster Minigan- [his floppy penis fingers fumbling for the plastic bag in his pockets] Damn it Zac!

[The eagle carrying Zac swoops back down to the ground and hovers over the serpent and the penisfied Minigan.

Zac-[calling down to the penis monster Minigan] Oh, and by the way, your penis fingers are way too big to fit into your pockets to get your bag of magic powder. That’s gotta really suck for you! Ha ha ha!
[Minigan looks down at his hands to see that his penis fingers are now at least eight inches each. He then looks over to Kukulkan who seems to be entertained by Minigan’s predicament.]

Minigan- Comic-con, help!

Kukulkan- I am not allowed to interfere.

Minigan- Look, I get it you have a rule you have to follow, but do you really want [pointing up to Zac] that douche nozzle to become a god like you? Is that something that you want to deal with for all eternity?

Kulkulkan- I think you would be just as bad as him, if not worse.

Minigan- Yeah, Comic-con? Well, snakes aren’t supposed to have feathers so you look real fucking ridiculous. [Calms himself down] What if I promise to never bother you and see to it that Zac doesn’t either? Will you help me then?

Kukulkan-[Thinks it over] Which pocket is the magic powder in?

Minigan- Good man-er-snake god. This pocket right here. [points to his front right pocket.]
[Kukulkan slides his tail into Minigan’s pocket and fishes out the powder. Minigan opens the baggie and dumps the contents into his mouth.]

Minigan- [after swallowing the last bit of powder] It’s fucking on now, Efron.

Kukulkan- Where did all the penises go?

Minigan- No time to explain. I am currently holding a rope that is attached to the Eagle Zac is riding up the pyramid. It’s going to tow me. [The rope tightens and begins to pull Minigan up the pyramid.] Thank you for your help, Comic-con!

[Zac is still laughing about dicking Minigan over, not knowing that Minigan is pyramid skiing up the pyramid, pouncing the shit out of Mayan monsters as they try and stop him from reaching the top. The eagle carrying Zac reaches the top, and without stopping, drops him off and dives over the opposite side of the pyramid. Seconds later, Minigan comes shooting up over the ledge of the pyramid, does a couple of midair somersaults and lands only feet away from Zac. The kidnapper and kidnapee, turned drug user and penis monster, turned allies, turned friends, turned rivals, glare at one another.

Minigan- [Shouts] Damn it Efron, if I wanted a celebrity to try and fuck me, I would have just given a massage to John Travolta.

Zac- How did you even get that bag of powder out of your pocket with those giant penis fingers I gave you, dude?!

Minigan- Zac, I’ve been getting high off of Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen for a while now. You’re gonna have to get pretty damn creative in order to stop me. I’ve learned a shit ton of methods to get things to go my way. But that isn’t important now. What’s important is the ass kicking of epic proportions that I’m about to lay down across your, well, ass.

Zac- [pulls out a lightsaber from its clip on his belt.] Bring it on, Blackwood. I’ll go The Empire Strikes back on you, bitch.

Minigan- [Smirks for a second, but then his expression goes serious and dark. He yells out to the air around him] I call upon my spirit animal; my guide, my kindred spirit. [a lightning storm begins overhead, sending long streaks of white light across the sky. Despite all the lighting, Minigan’s acid green aura begins to show. It radiates and pulses outward with each word he speaks.] I call upon lupus, o lýkos, el lopo, the mingan, the wolf. CHANGE ME INTO YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Zac- [to the large, jet black wolf now standing in front of him] What the fuck, Minigan?!

Wolf Minigan- Give me your best shot, Zaccy.

Zac- Alright, then I call upon my spirit animal and the natural enemy of the wolf, the velociraptor! CHANGE ME INTO YOUOARRRRRRRR!

Wolf Minigan- How can a velociraptor be the natural enemy of the wolf? They never coexisted at the same time!

Raptor Zac- Dude, are you going to fight me or what? Maybe instead of penises, I should have changed you into vaginas.

[Wolf Minigan leaps at Raptor Zac and manages to sink his fangs into the velociraptor’s neck before the raptor uses his claws to rip the wolf off. Despite bleeding heavily from the neck, the raptor pounces on the wolf and delivers a vicious bite to its side. The wolf yelps, but manages to free himself before any serious damage is done. He then jumps onto the velociraptor’s back and bites the neck once again. Neither animal notices that the altar in the center of the floor has begun to spin and glow. As they continue to fight, the altar is giving off a blinding white light which shoots up into the sky like a column of white fire. When it hits the clouds, they erupt into a fury of lightning strikes. From the swirling clouds descends a fiery orb. It follows the beam of light and once it reaches the altar, it grows into the form of a giant man bathed in fire.]

He’s probably mad because of how ugly he is.

Man on fire- Mortals, behold that your end has arrived. For I am the god of the sun, Kini-

Raptor Zac- Excuse me, dude, but can’t you see we’re having an epic battle right now?
Wolf Minigan- Yeah! You can give your speech and be on fire all you want when were done kicking each other’s asses and then kicking the ass of some stupid sun god.

Sun God- How dare you mortals speak to me this way! I am the sun god Kinich Ahau, and I shall crush you in the palm-

Wolf Minigan- Yeah, yeah, ok Knish Asia, you can crush us in the palm of your hand all you want later, but right now, the men have to settle their differences. [to Raptor Zac] Jeez this guy is both flaming and attention starved. He’s almost half as bad as Ryan Seacrest.

Raptor Zac- Boom! Nice one Wolf! Interspecies high five!

[The two of them high five. But then Kinich Ahau sends a blast of fire at them and knocks them both backward, and back into their human forms.]

Zac- Dude, what the fuck?

Minigan- Yeah, total dick move, bro.

Kinich Ahau- You arrogant mortals are going to fight me. Now.

Minigan- OK, Zac, it looks like we’re gonna have to stop fighting now and fight this needy asshole. [To Kinich Ahau] Jeez Knish Asia, you’re one self-obsessed pri- Oh, Jesus!

[Kinich Ahau hadoukens a blast of fire at Minigan, who narrowly avoids it.]
Minigan- [standing back up] Oh yeah, you fiery douche? Well, how about we hose you down? [lifts his hands and head to the sky] Sky! [the sky answers back with a low and ominous rumble of thunder] Give this “Knish Asia” here a drink.

[Everything goes still, and neither Zac, nor Kinich Ahau are sure what to do next. Minigan stands perfectly still, fists clenched, staring at Kinich. The silence is interrupted by a sudden rush of rain that sweeps across Chichen Itza and up the pyramid. The rain drops are large and abundant, and the three fighters are soaked within seconds. Taking this as his cue, Zac pulls a tomahawk out from behind him and throws it at Kinich Ahau. Despite his flawless aim, the tomahawk bounces of the god’s chest.]

Minigan- Our mortal weapons will be no use against a god, Zac. We’re gonna have to kill this man with our fists and the copious amounts of reality bending drugs in our systems. Which reminds me, [yells out to no one] Zac and I have our own magnetic fields.

[Kinich sends out another fiery blast which Minigan doesn’t bother to avoid, but it doesn’t get within two feet of him before it’s redirected by his magnetic field, creating an aurora borealis around him. Kinich stops, confused, which gives Minigan and Zac an opportunity to attack. Zac jumps on Kinich’s back and starts biting his neck. And while Kinich tries to pull Zac off, Minigan is repeatedly kicking him in the balls. Kinich finally manages to pull Zac off, and throws him at Minigan, sending the two humans almost over the edge. They both get up, and together charge at the god, tackling him. Kinich stays standing for a moment or so, but then topples backwards and down the slope of the pyramid, Zac and Minigan riding him like a sled.]

Kinich Ahau- You fools! If I touch the floor of Earth, then your world will cease to be! You have let me win!

Zac- NO! I wanted my superpowers! Minigan how did you not know this?!

Minigan- When the tablet said the sun god will crash to earth, I kind of figured that was what happened when he appeared.

Kinich Ahau- And because of your assumptions, I shall end the world! Ha ha ha ha!

Minigan- I don’t think so. [Yells to no one] None of this actually happened! This is all just a drug fueled fantasy!

[Nothing happened. The three of them are still sliding down the pyramid, the pouring rain making them move faster and faster towards the earth. Zac and Minigan close their eyes and wait for the end of the world.]

[Exterior. Midnight. The Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. Three bloody and soaking wet men lay at the base of the pyramid, each sporting a series of bite and scratch marks. The man on the bottom, a security guard for the Luxor, is having trouble breathing and opening his swollen eyes. The two men on top of him roll off of him, groaning. A crowd of shocked on lookers begins to gather.]

Minigan- Fuck. That hurt worse that what I would have expected. [slowly stands up and surveys the crowd.] Zac, get up. We need to get out of here now.

Zac- [once he sees the gawkers, he stands up, and announces] Move along, nothing to see here. What? Can’t three dudes get slide down the Luxor hotel without people staring at them?

A man’s voice- That’s them! That’s them! [There is a rustling in the crowd, and a homeless man, his face wet with tears, pushes through with a reporter and camera man, both with TMZ name badges.] Those are the men who attacked me! They demanded that I tell them what the drawings on this napkin are. [holds out napkin] When I told them, they said that they didn’t believe me, and that they’d gut me if I didn’t tell the truth. BUT I WAS! The pictures on the napkin are of a chicken leg and a slice of pizza. Chicken Pizza! Chicken Pizza! [The homeless man broke into tears and collapsed into the TMZ reporter, who looked very uncomfortable with the situation.]

TMZ Reporter- Zac Efron, is it true that you assaulted this homeless man and threated his life?

Zac- No, dude, it’s OK. I didn’t know he was a homeless man at the time. I thought he was a Mayan, and I was trying to prevent the apocalypse!

TMZ Reporter- So you think it’s ok to beat up homeless people as long as you think they might be Mexican? Is that what you’re saying?

Zac- No, man! That’s totally not what I meant!

Minigan- [to Zac, whispers] Don’t worry, I’ll handle this. Play along. [to the crowd and the reporter] It’s true! We did beat up and threaten that homeless man thinking that he was a dirty, dirty Mexican!

Zac- Dude…

Minigan- But I have one more thing to confess! This [ushering to Zac] is not actually Zac Efron! No! This is an imposter! An imposter whose identity will be learned now! The imposter is [Minigan strides back to Zac, grabs some of Zac’s neck skin and pulls. With ease the mask comes off] Jeremy Piven!

“I also like to dress like a Mexican when I beat them up.”- Jeremy Piven

[The crowd gasps in horror. One woman screams and then faints, and a man throws up into his hands]

Jeremy Piven- [understanding what Minigan meant by play along] That’s right, I am celebrity Jeremy Piven, and I love beating up homeless Mexicans. But this man [Points to Minigan] isn’t just some crazy nobody! This is actually [pulls at Minigan’s neck skin and removes the mask] Chelsea Handler?

Classic drunk off her ass Chelsea

Chelsea Handler- Woo! That’s right I love getting drunk and into fights with people that I think are Mexican! [takes a swig from the vodka bottle in her hand. After she swallows, she points to Jeremy Piven] I fucking love this douchebag! [She hugs him, but he pushes her off]

Jeremy Piven- Ugh, you smell like Russian vomit.

Chelsea Handler- And you smell like a soulless Hollywood prick! WOO!

[Exterior. Hollywood theater lot. Zac Efron and Minigan Blackwood creep right outside of Zac’s trailer.]
Zac- Bro, I’m confused. Did any of what I remember from last night actually happen, or did we alter reality to the point that none of it was real?

Minigan- Well, the Mayan thing stopped being real once we were in Las Vegas, but then we turned ourselves into other celebrities, so that stopped being the real us, which made the Mayan thing real again. Honestly, we just needed something to keep Knish Asia from hitting the ground. And we did just that. [nods his head over to the Camaro with the sun god tied to the roof.] Right now, the world is safe.

Zac- What are you going to do with him?

Minigan- Well, I’m first going to shrink him to the size of a Barbie doll, and then I’m going to launch him into outer space. I’m thinking I’ll send him back into the sun, where he belongs.

Zac- Dude, won’t he die?

Minigan- He just tried to end the world, why should we care about that?

Zac- Good point. [after a brief period of silence] I have another question about the whole “Jeremy Piven and Chelsea Handler posing as us” thing. If that wasn’t really us, then how did their story go down?
Minigan- Well, their story was pretty similar to ours… They probably got really high and thought that the adventure we had was actually theirs.

Zac- I’m sure they’ll be feeling the effects of that this morning.

Minigan- Actually no. It is actually the same morning that we set out for Mexico. I time traveled us back here.

Zac- Why?

Minigan- Well, this will be a smooth transition for you, because we haven’t left yet. And also now we can see the shit that Jeremy and Chelsea get into in real time.

Zac- What do you mean we haven’t left yet?

Minigan- I’ll let him answer for me [a second, much less battle worn Minigan appeared right next to Zac, making him jump away. The second Minigan winks at the first Minigan, and then bursts through the trailer door.]

Zac- My head hurts.

Minigan- Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Coming down from Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen is a bitch. You are going to feel like you are going to die for, like, two days. Nothing except hiding away in your house with all the blinds closed is going to help.

Zac- [beginning to feel the effects of the drugs wearing off] Damnit. Really dude?

Minigan- Really, dude. And since you were a bastard and changed me into a penis monster twice, you’re going to be a giant pussy for the entire duration of you coming off of those drugs. That’s gonna really suck for you! Anyway, I need to get going. I need to shrink this Mayan god and keep him off of the ground until sometime tomorrow when it’s safe to launch him into space. See ya, Zaccy Effs! [Gets into the Camaro and drives off]

Zac the Giant Vagina- Damn you, Minigan Blackwood!

The End???

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