Minigan Blackwood’s New Year’s Resolutions

Well, it’s officially the second week of the new year, which means that most of you probably have given up on your New Years Resolutions by now. But since I am such an amazing person to you kind readers that I’m going to motivate you with some of my own New Years Resolutions. Enjoy.

1. Get more sexy
I think we can all agree that I am pretty sexy already. If you don’t think so, then I appreciate you reading my blog for how amazing my prose is. That said. People do call me sexy. And by, “people,” I mean “me.” Granted, I do get told that I’m hot on an irregular basis by people who are not me nor are inside my head, but I always assume that’s because I live in Ohio and the pickin’s quite slim out here. Having said that, I am very much about self-improvement, so if I am sexy, I would naturally want to become more sexy. I’m not sure where I am rated on the scale of 1-10, but living in Ohio does probably skew my number closer to the 10, so let’s just say that, conservatively, I’m a 6 (You’re welcome men everywhere). If I want to become a 7 or higher, I am willing to work out more days a week, start tanning again, and whiten my teeth. If it comes to it, I may even cut off my hair, if that would please the women out there. But as of writing this post, Women don’t know what they want when it comes to men. A woman may know, but the females of our species cannot get their shit together and decide. My best guess is something close to Ryan Gosling. But I don’t even know how to compete with that handsome bastard. Bathe twice a day? Stare dreamily at everything? Start passionately kissing women in the rain a la “The Notebook?” I have no fucking clue.

2. Punch Michelle (my coworker) in the boobs 200 times
Trust me, she deserves it. She deserves it because she said that she’d never comment on my blog again. That is absolutely worth 200 boob punches. The problem is, however, that I only work with her two days a week. For those of you who are good at the math, that means I’m going to have to punch Michelle in the man magnets two times a day, every day that I work with her, for almost the entire year. There is no way that she’s not going to expect it and be prepared for it after a while, especially since, well, she reads this blog and therefore knows my plans to punch her sweater puppets 200 times over the course of this year. But I don’t care. I will try anyway. And I hope I punch her so hard and so often in the fun bags that she develops chick cancer in her aforementioned fun bags. Because that’s how (I assume) one gets cancer.

He’s gonna be chalk full of cancer by the end of the fight.

He’s gonna be chalk full of cancer by the end of the fight.

There is also the issue of me hitting a coworker. I doubt my managers will look kindly upon me repeatedly punching a coworker in her sex mounds. I may get fired. And then what? I will be out of a job AND have to stalk Michelle to fill my quota of breast beatings. Man does this New Year’s Resolution sound like a pain in the tits.

3. Punch a woman (preferably Michelle the coworker) in the vagina

I should probably point out that I want to do this in the name of comedy, not as a domestic abuse kind of thing. Just the thought of upper cunting a woman is hilarious to me, and I feel that if done properly, it will make for comedy gold. Plus, depending on the woman that’s on the receiving end of my “pussy punch,” I will let her punch me in the balls right back. It’s only fair. Of course, that does not apply if I’m punching Michelle. She gets what she deserves.

4. Go viral

Pictured: going viral?

Pictured: going viral?

I’m planning quite a few different methods of succeeding in this this year, but as to not jinx myself, let’s just say that I want this blog to go viral. I need your help with that. Everyone reading this needs to share the link on facebook and explain why my blog is amazing. If you don’t have anything nice to say about my writing, then just tell everyone that the person who writes this blog is really attractive. That should do the trick as well. And you should probably share it now, that way you won’t forget about it when you’re done. I’ll wait here. God Speed.

5. Get something published
Anything really. To anywhere. I’m really upset with myself that it’s taking me so long to actually do that. I know perfectly well that I should be patient when it comes to writing. But Holy Hell, it’s like I’m not even trying. That ends this year- or, well, technically it ended and the end of last year. But none the less, I will have something published somewhere by the end of 2013. And I do not mean me self-publishing a novel about me fighting celebrities, which reminds me…

6. Finish Awesomesquad! Assemble! The Novel!
I’m actually pretty close with this one. I think I only have about three more sections to write before I go back and edit everything. I know that 4 and 5 need a lot of work, and 4 is going to have a lot added to it, but I’m really excited at having so little left to do with it. Then, I’ll send it off- first to my friends for their takes on it, and what needs work, and then to countless other people so that I can get their take on it, and then finally to a publisher to get it rejected because I use a lot of internet and for real celebrities as characters, and that probably puts me in violation of some kind of likeness rights violation. This may very well be the greatest thing that I never get published. Unless I put it online for free…

7. Go… Some fucking where

The left half of this map is all fair game for me.

The left half of this map is all fair game for me.

I don’t know where I want to go, but I want to go someplace I haven’t been before. I’m thinking the western part of the US. I want to visit Yellowstone before it erupts into a fiery death cloud that destroys the planet. Although, It’s been over fifteen years since I’ve been to Las Angeles, and I could use some good, old fashioned debauchery in my life, so maybe I should hop on a plane for Hollywood. The most likely place that I’ll end up going, however, is back to PA, since most of my family and friends are there, and it’s close enough for me to do in a weekend. Plus, my 8th New Year’s Resolution involves me going to PA…

8. Get my tattoo finished
tattoo-stonehenge
This one should be pretty simple, but as with everything I do that is “pretty simple,” I grossly overcomplicate it by adding extra steps to the process. Hell, that’s why my tattoo isn’t finished in the first place- I need to special order the ink that I want for what’s left. Four different colors- all fluorescent ink. And then I need to take them with me to PA to get my tattoo done. Do you see how many more steps that are involved with me getting a tattoo? Instead of the normal four steps (pick out what I want, go to the tattoo parlor, get it tattooed on, pay) I have about eight (decide what I want beforehand, call my tattoo guy and schedule an appointment, order ink, let family know I’ll be in for a weekend getting a tattoo, drive to my dad’s house, drive to the tattoo parlor on the day of the appointment, get the tattoo, pay and possibly discuss my next one). So if you ever wonder why I don’t get tattoos all that often, that is why. I over complicate the process by demanding special ink and being fiercely loyal to my tattoo guy.

9. Take more naps
Oh, God do I wish I could keep this resolution for the entire year. I’m not saying that I should take one every day, but one or two more a week would be nice. There are so many cliché Facebook posts about taking naps that I totally agree with now. But the issue is when would I take said naps? Inbetween waking up and work? No, that would be stupid. Inbwteen work and the gym? No, because then I’ll just stay asleep and not go to the gym. After the gym, but before I go to bed? Shut the fuck up. Of course not! Those two are only an hour apart! Why don’t I just go to bed earlier, you ask? Because go to hell, that’s why. I’ve got dick jokes that I need to share with the internet, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let me being delirious from lack of sleep stop me. I guess what I’m getting at is that I’ll only be able to take a nap on the days that I have off, or, the days I already take naps. Ugh, it looks like I’m not going to follow through with this resolution. And on a side note, can we all agree that our twenties are the official decade where naps start to sound appealing every moment we spend awake?

10. Become the ruler of my own country
This one should be pretty simple. Literally any country will do. I know Syria is going through a lot of shit right now, and I could be the person to bring that place back to relative normalcy. Granted, I have no clue how to run a country, but I’m sure I’d figure it out. However, It might be better if I start off with a less volatile country in a less batshit crazy region. Maybe some Eastern European country. Eastern Europe is messed enough that I would have an opportunity to fix things, but it’s not so messed up that I’d be putting myself in any danger other than getting tetanus every time I go outside. But that’s why there are tetanus shots! But if I had to choose the country that I’d take over, it would have to be Canada. Canadians are just the friendly versions of Americans, so not only could I blend in, I could also get to the top of their Canadian Power Pyramid (or however their government works) by simply being a dick to everyone. And then it’s only a few short steps away until I am supreme ruler of North America and then the world.

 

Peace… For Now…

My friends and how they worship me: Jimmy

Well, I should be writing a paper for my contemporary poetry class, or reading for my rhetorical grammar class, but fuck that noise. I’ll just talk to you guys. So, how have you been? That’s good. I did see the game. Two words: Amazing amazing. Yea I know that was just one word written twice. Don’t question it. No, it’s not that big of a deal. Who is really going to care? Everyone else is laughing, why can’t you. Ok, Ok we’ll talk about this when we get home. I said we’ll talk about this when we get home. Why must you insist upon making a scene in front of my friends. This is why we are never invited to any parties. [I grab a beer.] Because, I need to drink when I’m around you, because you are intolerable. I’m sorry- that was harsh and I didn’t mean it. No, don’t cry, I’m sorry. It’s just the beer and you nagging me about writing a word twice pushed me over the edge. Oh great, people are starting to stare. DON’T TELL PEOPLE THAT I THINK YOU’RE FAT! [turning to everyone else] I don’t think (your name) is fat. I never said anything like that; I just said that (s)he is intolerable. [turning back to you] Great, now I’m the bad guy! Well, since I’m the bad guy you can walk the fuck home.

[I get up and storm out of where ever the fuck we are (internet?) I drunkenly put my key in the ignition. The tires of my car screech like a banshee on the rag as I peel away from the curb. I’m flying down the interstate, listening to one of my CDs I made with the most depressing songs on my iPod. The song Stan by Eminem comes on. In true ironic (keep the word ironic in there if you don’t know what ironic means, if you do, use the term “coincidental” instead) fashon, I lose control of my car and go through the guard rails of an overpass. The sound of crushing metal and my screams are all I can hear as my car lands upside down. I stop screaming once I realize I’m not dead. I let out a short laugh as I unbuckle my seatbelt. “It’s gonna take more than that for god to kill me,” I say. The car then explodes into a fireball large enough to catch trees twenty feet away on fire (my car runs on napalm). After a few seconds after the blast, I climb out of the mangled chunk of scrap metal that once used to be my car, raise my middle finger to the midnight sky, and head the rest of the way home on foot.]

fuck you, sky

-Wow, what does it say about me if that is the imaginary relationship I think up?

Anywhat-the-fuck-ever, for my blog this week, I would like to talk to you kind folk about Jimmy “Jew Killer” Kohlberg.

Now Many of you (Lady Caggiano) maybe wondering why Jibbles got to be the focus of an entire blog before you, and you would be right to question it, but it’s my blog so fuck you. I’m writing about Jimmy. I actually feel that I have not done Jimmy proper justice in my blogs. I have mentioned him in one- maybe two of my blogs now, but he and I have a much stronger relationship than what I made it seem. It is on par with Ashley’s and my relationship, except I mention her in just about every one of my blogs.

Here are some of the facts you should know about Mr. Kohlberg:

  1. He is a man
  2. He is white, but he’s black on the inside
  3. He is my coworker at Geagle
  4. He is one of my best friends
  5. He works out- probably more than I do
  6. He is straight
  7. He will remind you that he is straight any time he complements you
  8. He likes-nay- loves the sauce, and has tried just about every type of booze that is out there
  9. He was born on May 20th, which coincidentally enough, is the same day my best friend from PA was born, except one year later.
  10. He loves my motivational posters and is the main force behind why I still make them
  11. He is a genuinely good person, also a pervert, but a good person none the less
  12. He would make a great English major if he only liked to write
  13. He somehow manipulated me into going out of my way to make sure he reads these blogs.

Jimmy, simply put, is awesome, and not just because he probably describes me to other people as a god of some sort. He is one of those friends I can regularly count on. He is usually the person I go to when I need relationship advice, and he gives me that much needed “please tell me I’m funny” attention that I ask for constantly.

One of the best things about being friends with Jimmy, however, is the conversations we tend to have on facebook or via text message. Here is one of the more recent ones. It is not our funniest, but we did a good job of covering all the topics that we usually hit during one of our conversations.

Doug 11:18pm

do you work tomorrow?

Jibbles 11:19pm

no sir

you?

Doug 11:20pm

yea 2:00 to 10:30

Jibbles 11:20pm

damn son

Doug 11:20pm

nah

i’m cool with it

Jibbles 11:21pm

i gotchya. you like brand new?

Doug 11:22pm

i do, I’ve actually been meaning to listen to the cd again, but smashley made me copies of the killers albums I don’t have so I’ve been listening to them

did you pass through Sam’s Town

Jibbles 11:22pm

yessir. good stuff. it made me kinda rekindle my enjoyment of em

Doug 11:23pm

it is a good cd

Jibbles 11:24pm

hell yea

Doug 11:25pm

i really like hot fuss too

i had no clue that they wrote the song with the lyrics “I got sold but I’m not a soldier”

Doug 11:27pm

i think i may add more motivational posters soon

Jibbles 11:29pm

do it. i love those.

Doug 11:29pm

ok. I will.

Jibbles 11:30pm

dude, im kinda drunk

youre a good dude. youre a good friend too

Doug 11:31pm

so are you

Jibbles 11:31pm

thanks dude 🙂 no homo

Doug 11:31pm

ditto

Jibbles 11:32pm

lol youre fine dude no worries

Doug 11:32pm

ha ha right back at you

Jibbles 11:36pm

so how are the chicas in your life bruhh

Doug 11:36pm

DOA

ha ha

no they are not interested

how’s the gf?

Jibbles 11:38pm

lol

shes good. youll get some awesome chick. you deserve it

Doug 11:39pm

hell yea I do!

there is this girl at the place i go tanning at she is very cute, and friendly

i am not sure if she’s interested though

also, i kind of forgot about this because i was very drunk at the time, but some of the girls i was at that party with want to fix me up with girls they know

Jibbles 11:41pm

dude. youre shredded. every chick thats friendly with you is prolly wanting your weiner.

no homo

youre like… fuckin he-man

Doug 11:41pm

not He-man

Jibbles 11:41pm

dude

Doug 11:41pm

close, but not exactly

Jibbles 11:41pm

you even have the haIR

Doug 11:41pm

ha ha, yea i do

Jibbles 11:44pm

dude

the whiskey.

its a trip to the moon

Doug 11:45pm

no, that’s just the roofies

Jibbles 11:47pm

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i literally lol’d

Doug 11:48pm

i’ve been getting people to do that a lot lately

whoda thunk I’d be funny

Jibbles 11:52pm

haha dude youre a writer. who do you think writes for comics? writers.

Doug 11:52pm

good point

Jibbles 11:53pm

i just reread what i sent. am i retarded? maybe. lol

Doug 11:55pm

no it was a good point

obvious maybe

but also funny

because you are tipsy

Jibbles 11:55pm

oh. im tipsed to the mesopotamian (sp) valley.

Doug 11:56pm

that doesn’t make any sense

Jibbles 11:57pm

its in iraq

between the tigris and euphrates rivers

Doug 11:57pm

i know that

Jibbles 11:57pm

lol ok well it means im halfway around the world with whiskey

Doug 11:58pm

oh, ok. i did not catch that part

Jibbles 11:59pm

lol i never mentioned it. my bad if its like tryin to follow a story bein told by someone with downs.

Doug 11:59pm

it’s cool

Today

Jibbles 12:01am

im kind of crass

im sorry

lol

Doug 12:02am

no

it was funny

Doug 12:07am

now i’m wondering what it would be like if someone with the Syndrome of a Down told me a story

Jibbles 12:07am

hahahahahahaha

well i just took a piss lol

Doug 12:08am

i am glad that i have that effect on you

no homo

Jibbles 12:08am

hahahahahaha

hahahaha

In ten years, when I have a severe God Complex, we can all look back and say “So, this is where it all started. Thanks a lot Jimmy. You Douchebag.”

But seriously, he fills the “Doug is awesome” quota before anyone else has a chance to. If you don’t believe me, look back up at the conversation. He calls me he-man. He-fucking-Man! (that sounded both gay and like bad English) My brother and sister have to work overtime on deflating my ego while I am friends with Jimmy.

this picture is 100% accurate

That conversation basically sums up most of the conversations between Jimmy and I.  They usually have the elements of Music, girls, how awesome I am, promises that jimmy is not gay, how drunk jimmy is, work at Geagle, and my motivational posters.

Speaking of motivational posters, Jimmy loves them so much that he likes it when I make fun of him via the posters. With that in mind, Here are the ones of Jimmy:

Newark Campus Legends:Mr. Sturger vs. Mrs. Slope

Everyone, I hope all of you are all as excited as I am. Chances are that you are not so excited that you shaving your genitals and rubbing tapioca pudding all over your shirtless torso as I am doing now (yes, while I am typing. I’m just that talented.) Well, you should be. This is not only my first blog in almost two weeks, it is also the first blog that I have written since classes started back up last Wednesday.  And oh, are they fifteen credit hours of pure joy.  The classes I am taking are Engilsh ***-Critical ******* for ******* Majors ( you’ll see why that is censored in a minute), Spanish 104 aka Why does an English Major need to take this?, and Geology- which is more commonly called “Rocks” by those who don’t give a damn about Geology (everyone.)

Look at how pretty this rare stone is. It's a shame i don't care.

Look at how pretty this rare stone is. It's a shame i don't care.

Something interesting about my Spanish class – the building that the class is in (Hagerty Hall to those of you who know main campus Ohio State) is apparently haunted by a phantom. The only proof I have of this is a creepy organ playing during the class time. Seriously, who plays the organ at 6:30 on a Thursday? No, who plays the organ ever? Even churches are migrating to acoustic guitars and drum sets.  That phantom seriously needs to get with the times. That is the only proof I have so far, but I will keep you posted.

In other Me news, I got another major part of my Halloween costume last week. This costume is proving to be the most elaborate and expensive ever. I will be so pissed if it is not as good as my Garth Algar costume from last Halloween. That one was my best so far, and I am determined to beat that. I am hoping that it will be better than my best four costume ideas combined. Which would look something like Garth dressed as a convict Moses who was about to be put to death via the electric chair, when he got ran over by a car. I am not going to tell you what the costume is going to be, but I can assure you it is going to be a doozy.

So at work on Saturday I found out I have a nice ass. Let me explain. On Saturdays during the college football season, employees at the grocery store that I work at are allowed to wear OSU shirts. Saturday I was wearing my long sleeve shirt under my apron, and my one coworker commented that we hadn’t seen each other for a while, and that my shoulders have become broader since the last time we worked together. My coworker then said, “I hope you’re not offended by this, but I’ve noticed that you have a really nice ass.”

NiceAssI laughed, but laughter is usually my default action when I feel awkward. I guess it was a little strange to me when it came from George. However, that did explain why he gave me those anal beads and the Gatorade with a roofie in it earlier in the day, but no matter…

To be honest, the situation did happen, but a woman said it, not a man. Oh, and there was no anal beads or spiked Gatorade that I remember, but the day was a bit of a blur.

While we are on the subject of women flirting with me at places of my employment, I got hit on by a 50ish year old woman at the Writer’s Studio on Monday. She said she wasn’t, but I knew that was bullshit. I forget how the conversation started, but it ended with her commenting on my eyes (apparently they are beautiful.) Before I was able to thank her, she stated that she was not flirting with me. Me thinks the lady doth deny too much. I am starting to suspect that I may not have a personality. Basically, I am basing this on the theory that the better looking someone is, the less of a personality they have. But then again, ugly people probably made that rule up to feel better about themselves.

Anyway, on to the blog…

Every county, state, city, town, major university, and cavernous vagina has some kind of legend. OSU-Newark (Nerk or OSUN as I will be referring to it for now on) is no different. Infact, there are many legends that swirl around the Newark campus like a turd in a toilet like:

  1. The ghost that haunts the men’s locker room in Adena
  2. The human hand that is hidden somewhere James Stjohn’s room.
  3. The laying girl statue (Suzy Creamcheese as I have named her) mysteriously appeared on campus after a brutal murder of a girl occurred in that same spot in 1976
  4. Pornstar legend John Holmes graduated from there in 2008, surprisingly 20 years after he died. Making him the first zombie to ever receive a Bachelor’s Degree.
  5. The “circle of friends” statues come alive at night and kill any late-night jogger
No, this is not a convicted rapist; this is John Holmes. But there still sin't much of a difference.

No, this is not a convicted rapist; this is John Holmes. But there still sin't much of a difference.

There are dozens more that I just made up, but I would like to tell you about one that came upon me surprisingly, and deals with people I actually know. Now to protect their identities, I will not use their real names, but I will hastily make up names so that no one (other than the readers who know who I am talking about-which is just about everyone) knows who I am talking about. This is more to prevent some major shit to go down in my class. It would be interesting, and make for one hell of a good blog, but unnecessary drama that I feel is, umm… unnecessary.

My class mate and “friend,” Burger hates our English professor, Caroline. hamburger1And to my knowledge, she hates him back. Now, it could be that he just says that she hates him, but there could be some animosity that I am not seeing. Anyway, months before the class started (yea, MONTHS) he was already talking shit on her and how he dreaded the class. He said that he was going to have to work twice as hard in that class to get a half way decent grade.

Here is my theory of why they don’t get along: Caroline hates men, and Burger is a chauvinist. I’m just throwing it out there. You should hear some of the things he says sometimes

Anyhoo, so when class started last week, I was expecting him to say very little base on the simple fact that he hates her, but to my surprise Burger is talking the most out of the entire class except for that one annoying bitch. There is always one of those in every class. Anyway, Burger will just spout out whatever he is thinking whether it is right or wrong or a fully developed thought, or just a mind fetus that was miscarried. What’s even stranger is that at one point, Caroline said that she was born in Mississippi, to which Burger replied, “Really, Mississippi? Hmm…” He said it with a genuine interest that I do not believe was faked. At this moment of their personal connection (all be it brief connection) everything I know was turned on my head. Swirls of color and and blurred shapes exploded all around me as loud indistinguishable noises stabbed my eardrums. It was like watching a Michael Bay movie, if a Michael bay movie made sense.

Now you may be wondering “Minigan, why are you considering this a legend?” or “are you really this bored to make this crap up?” or even “why are you wearing that thong?” and my answer to these 3 questions is “Because it feels good.” And for the first question, I am not the only one who knows about it.

Earlier this week another one of my classmates pointed out what I was noticing myself. She even knew that they hated each other. I was amazed that I wasn’t the only one who knew, and we both laughed about it, sitting on our respective towers watching the actors play out the melodramatic, yet overly dramatic soap opera. In next Friday’s class we will find out who is the father of Alisha’s baby. And then we will critique the scene using historical criticism.

One person makes a situation like this a blog post, two people make this situation a conspiracy, three or more people make the situation a legend. Wednesday, as I was headed into work at the WS, I saw one of my old classmates from Spanish 102. I told him that I was in the English class that I am in. he then explained to me how there is this kid he knows that is in that class. He told me that this kid hates Caroline and that he has been talking shit on her about for the past year.

To which I replied, “wait, who is taking a shit on who, why do you know this, and why are you telling me?”

After several minutes of confusion, retelling of the information, and an explanation between the difference between talking shit on someone and taking a shit on someone (one that involved the most disturbing PowerPoint presentation ever) I realized that he was talking about Burger. We laughed about it, and I shared the information I had. Soon after, I headed into work, while my friend went home to probably make more German schiza slideshows.chocolate

Basically, this is giving me something to do for this class time for the rest of the quarter. Ya know other than learning Englishy things and stuff. And it gives me a good opportunity to people watch two people who hate each other and how they act in a group. This is my little social experiment. Yea, I’m not a diabolical douchebag at all.

Well, it has taken me a week, several blog topics (one of them being none) and a lot of my self esteem, but I finally finished this blog.

Enjoy bitches- I guess I should have put that at the beginning. Oh well.

Oh, and I feel that at many points in this blog I used pictures that would have been better if they were of  women in  bikinis, so here is one. You’re welcome.

fat_woman_in_bikinisPeace

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