Well, it’s officially the second week of the new year, which means that most of you probably have given up on your New Years Resolutions by now. But since I am such an amazing person to you kind readers that I’m going to motivate you with some of my own New Years Resolutions. Enjoy.
1. Get more sexy
I think we can all agree that I am pretty sexy already. If you don’t think so, then I appreciate you reading my blog for how amazing my prose is. That said. People do call me sexy. And by, “people,” I mean “me.” Granted, I do get told that I’m hot on an irregular basis by people who are not me nor are inside my head, but I always assume that’s because I live in Ohio and the pickin’s quite slim out here. Having said that, I am very much about self-improvement, so if I am sexy, I would naturally want to become more sexy. I’m not sure where I am rated on the scale of 1-10, but living in Ohio does probably skew my number closer to the 10, so let’s just say that, conservatively, I’m a 6 (You’re welcome men everywhere). If I want to become a 7 or higher, I am willing to work out more days a week, start tanning again, and whiten my teeth. If it comes to it, I may even cut off my hair, if that would please the women out there. But as of writing this post, Women don’t know what they want when it comes to men. A woman may know, but the females of our species cannot get their shit together and decide. My best guess is something close to Ryan Gosling. But I don’t even know how to compete with that handsome bastard. Bathe twice a day? Stare dreamily at everything? Start passionately kissing women in the rain a la “The Notebook?” I have no fucking clue.
2. Punch Michelle (my coworker) in the boobs 200 times
Trust me, she deserves it. She deserves it because she said that she’d never comment on my blog again. That is absolutely worth 200 boob punches. The problem is, however, that I only work with her two days a week. For those of you who are good at the math, that means I’m going to have to punch Michelle in the man magnets two times a day, every day that I work with her, for almost the entire year. There is no way that she’s not going to expect it and be prepared for it after a while, especially since, well, she reads this blog and therefore knows my plans to punch her sweater puppets 200 times over the course of this year. But I don’t care. I will try anyway. And I hope I punch her so hard and so often in the fun bags that she develops chick cancer in her aforementioned fun bags. Because that’s how (I assume) one gets cancer.
There is also the issue of me hitting a coworker. I doubt my managers will look kindly upon me repeatedly punching a coworker in her sex mounds. I may get fired. And then what? I will be out of a job AND have to stalk Michelle to fill my quota of breast beatings. Man does this New Year’s Resolution sound like a pain in the tits.
3. Punch a woman (preferably Michelle the coworker) in the vagina
I should probably point out that I want to do this in the name of comedy, not as a domestic abuse kind of thing. Just the thought of upper cunting a woman is hilarious to me, and I feel that if done properly, it will make for comedy gold. Plus, depending on the woman that’s on the receiving end of my “pussy punch,” I will let her punch me in the balls right back. It’s only fair. Of course, that does not apply if I’m punching Michelle. She gets what she deserves.
4. Go viral
I’m planning quite a few different methods of succeeding in this this year, but as to not jinx myself, let’s just say that I want this blog to go viral. I need your help with that. Everyone reading this needs to share the link on facebook and explain why my blog is amazing. If you don’t have anything nice to say about my writing, then just tell everyone that the person who writes this blog is really attractive. That should do the trick as well. And you should probably share it now, that way you won’t forget about it when you’re done. I’ll wait here. God Speed.
5. Get something published
Anything really. To anywhere. I’m really upset with myself that it’s taking me so long to actually do that. I know perfectly well that I should be patient when it comes to writing. But Holy Hell, it’s like I’m not even trying. That ends this year- or, well, technically it ended and the end of last year. But none the less, I will have something published somewhere by the end of 2013. And I do not mean me self-publishing a novel about me fighting celebrities, which reminds me…
6. Finish Awesomesquad! Assemble! The Novel!
I’m actually pretty close with this one. I think I only have about three more sections to write before I go back and edit everything. I know that 4 and 5 need a lot of work, and 4 is going to have a lot added to it, but I’m really excited at having so little left to do with it. Then, I’ll send it off- first to my friends for their takes on it, and what needs work, and then to countless other people so that I can get their take on it, and then finally to a publisher to get it rejected because I use a lot of internet and for real celebrities as characters, and that probably puts me in violation of some kind of likeness rights violation. This may very well be the greatest thing that I never get published. Unless I put it online for free…
7. Go… Some fucking where
I don’t know where I want to go, but I want to go someplace I haven’t been before. I’m thinking the western part of the US. I want to visit Yellowstone before it erupts into a fiery death cloud that destroys the planet. Although, It’s been over fifteen years since I’ve been to Las Angeles, and I could use some good, old fashioned debauchery in my life, so maybe I should hop on a plane for Hollywood. The most likely place that I’ll end up going, however, is back to PA, since most of my family and friends are there, and it’s close enough for me to do in a weekend. Plus, my 8th New Year’s Resolution involves me going to PA…
8. Get my tattoo finished
This one should be pretty simple, but as with everything I do that is “pretty simple,” I grossly overcomplicate it by adding extra steps to the process. Hell, that’s why my tattoo isn’t finished in the first place- I need to special order the ink that I want for what’s left. Four different colors- all fluorescent ink. And then I need to take them with me to PA to get my tattoo done. Do you see how many more steps that are involved with me getting a tattoo? Instead of the normal four steps (pick out what I want, go to the tattoo parlor, get it tattooed on, pay) I have about eight (decide what I want beforehand, call my tattoo guy and schedule an appointment, order ink, let family know I’ll be in for a weekend getting a tattoo, drive to my dad’s house, drive to the tattoo parlor on the day of the appointment, get the tattoo, pay and possibly discuss my next one). So if you ever wonder why I don’t get tattoos all that often, that is why. I over complicate the process by demanding special ink and being fiercely loyal to my tattoo guy.
9. Take more naps
Oh, God do I wish I could keep this resolution for the entire year. I’m not saying that I should take one every day, but one or two more a week would be nice. There are so many cliché Facebook posts about taking naps that I totally agree with now. But the issue is when would I take said naps? Inbetween waking up and work? No, that would be stupid. Inbwteen work and the gym? No, because then I’ll just stay asleep and not go to the gym. After the gym, but before I go to bed? Shut the fuck up. Of course not! Those two are only an hour apart! Why don’t I just go to bed earlier, you ask? Because go to hell, that’s why. I’ve got dick jokes that I need to share with the internet, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let me being delirious from lack of sleep stop me. I guess what I’m getting at is that I’ll only be able to take a nap on the days that I have off, or, the days I already take naps. Ugh, it looks like I’m not going to follow through with this resolution. And on a side note, can we all agree that our twenties are the official decade where naps start to sound appealing every moment we spend awake?
10. Become the ruler of my own country
This one should be pretty simple. Literally any country will do. I know Syria is going through a lot of shit right now, and I could be the person to bring that place back to relative normalcy. Granted, I have no clue how to run a country, but I’m sure I’d figure it out. However, It might be better if I start off with a less volatile country in a less batshit crazy region. Maybe some Eastern European country. Eastern Europe is messed enough that I would have an opportunity to fix things, but it’s not so messed up that I’d be putting myself in any danger other than getting tetanus every time I go outside. But that’s why there are tetanus shots! But if I had to choose the country that I’d take over, it would have to be Canada. Canadians are just the friendly versions of Americans, so not only could I blend in, I could also get to the top of their Canadian Power Pyramid (or however their government works) by simply being a dick to everyone. And then it’s only a few short steps away until I am supreme ruler of North America and then the world.
Peace… For Now…