So Halloween is here, and if you live on the Eastern side of the country, Hurricane Sandy is knocking things around like at total bitch. But don’t let that windy whore ruin your plans of attending your coworker’s Halloween party that you weren’t invited to! Especially after I’ve gone through all this trouble to write this blog.
“But I don’t even have a costume!” You cry because you’re a rhetorical device.
“Not to worry!” I say to you, “I’ve come up with the best Halloween costumes based on what kind of creepy person you are!”
The thing I’m going to need from all of you, however, is that you be completely honest with yourself. I’ve developed these costume ideas based specifically for the type of creepy person that should wear them. The main point for these costumes isn’t to disguise your creepiness, but to use it to your advantage and make sure that you’re the most memorable person at the party you crashed.
So you’re the person that shows up to parties and doesn’t really talk to anyone? Well, I guess that doesn’t make you creepy as much as it makes you boring at parties. I think it’s safe to assume that most of the time, you can leave unnoticed and not a single party goer will remember that you were there. It’s about time we change that. The costume you should wear is pretty simple, but what will make it great will be your self-control. Buy any costume with a mask, but not any kind of mask. It has to be a mask that covers your entire head- even your hair. This is absolutely crucial, because you don’t want people guessing who you are. A good example of a costume for a non-talker would be my costume for this year, the Watchmen character, Rorschach:
But where I have failed at my costume by drinking and eating and generally being social, you must succeed. When you arrive to the party uninvited, (make sure you do it late, because then it will be way too crowded for the host or hostess to try to talk to you) you must find a place in one of the rooms and stand perfectly still, facing the party goers. Do not move. Don’t even turn your head. Just stand there with your head facing forward. Once people begin to notice you, they will assume you are staring at them. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. That really isn’t the point here. The point is for them to think you’re staring at them. Once someone confronts you about you staring at them, you leave. Don’t say a word, don’t acknowledge their presence, don’t even storm out of the house. Just quietly and slowly leave. Trust me, there is no way you won’t be the main topic of discussion for years to come.
Sorry ladies, but if you’re a pervert, there is no Halloween costume idea that I have for you that hasn’t already been made for you. You’re on your own this time.
Fellas, there are two different routes you can take for a costume: either go as a sexy version of a classic character (Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, Pennywise the Clown), or you could go as one of perverted couple costumes.
If you choose the first option, be sure you do your research. You will want to make it look as accurate as possible while also displaying to all the women at the party that you just showed up to that you are ready to bone. Take this Sexy Joker Costume, for instance:
This guy nailed it because it was both accurate to the movie (The Joker actually wore a costume like that at one point,) and also uncomfortably sexual. No matter how hard people will try, no matter how many drinks they drink or hallucinogens that take, they will still remember seeing your bulge through that dress or your untrimmed chest hair cascading over the neck.
As for those of you who chose the second option, you’re going to be relying a lot on chance. What you need to do is choose the male costume of a perverted couple costume. For instance, you could go as an electric plug:
Now that you have your costume, you’re going to have to find the woman wearing the female part of the costume. It’s only fair for you to think that you two will bone. And don’t mind the dude that’s wearing the same costume as you. He’s probably going to claim to be that woman’s “boyfriend.” Don’t believe him. He’s just doing the same thing you’re doing. Don’t believe any of that man’s lies, even when he starts beating you up. He’s just selling it harder than you.
Obsessive over a single person
Totally dress up as that person. Perfect their mannerisms. Make sure you even drink like they drink and eat like they eat. If they’re at the party (which they should be, because why did you come uninvited to that party anyway?), then make sure they see you dressed as them. There is no way they won’t appreciate it.
This one may be the easiest to do. If you’re a fanboy or fangirl, then you should absolutely go as a character from that movie/ TV show/ video game/ member of the band. And you should not, by any means, play a character that has a similar body type as you. If you love He-Man, you should absolutely go as He-man, even if you’re a 120 lb man. Ladies, if you loved metroid’s Samus, then go as her and ignore the arguments about you weighing over 200 lbs. Just fucking go as that character.
So, you’re an asshole that thinks highly of himself? We have so much in common! But that’s not important right now. Right now, you need a costume that fits with your pure awesomeness but still displays how incredibly full of yourself you are to everyone at the party you weren’t invited to. I say go with a famous fighter. UFC is popular right now, so go with one of those fighters. If you have long hair, like me, then there is no reason you shouldn’t be Clay Guida.
And be sure to show how badass you are by either wearing a Tap Out shirt or just going shirtless. But you have to wear UFC shorts and have your hands wrapped. Otherwise you could run the risk of just looking like a douchebag.
Creepy uncle type
If you’re one of these types, then it is crucial that you play up your innocence at the party you’re crashing. That means your best option is to dress up like a child. The easiest route to go is to dress up as a baby:
Of course you could go as a school boy or school girl:
People will get the self-aware humor you’re portraying through the costume and they will absolutely respect you for that.
Peeping Tom/ Tonya
Delivery and self-awareness are absolutely crucial if you have been marked as a peeping Tom/ Tonya. Just with the creepy uncle type, you as a peeping Tom/Tonya will earn some personality points if you make jokes about what people think about you. Therefore, you’re going to want to go to the party as a peeping Tom/ Tonya. For the men, I say dress as a tree. Your arms could be branches, or they could just be sticking out of the tree, holding a pair of binoculars. Your face, however must be sticking out. Don’t paint your face; don’t do anything to your face. You face should be an island of human in a sea of tree.
You could also fashion yourself a locker, stick yourself inside it, and then giggle a lot. Make sure that the people can see your eyes through the vents of the locker door. If you go as this, than you will probably not want to talk a lot, just like the non-talker. However, if you are threatened, then you will want to run out of the room screaming. Stay at the party. That is important- you must stay at the party. Then after a few minutes, go back into the room that you ran out of.
If you are handy with building things, then build yourself a window and fasten it around yourself. Then put a curtain over the window. Really sell your costume by peeking through the window . Make yourself look shifty- basically how you always look. Just keep doing that. An added bonus with this costume is that you can reach for things through the window. Doing that will add a level of dark humor to your costume that the party goers that were invited will have a positive reaction to. Some of them may even recognize you!
So there you go! Now you’re completely ready to sneak into this party that no one invited you to! Be sure to sell your personae as much as possible, because you want people to remember you and your costume for years to come. If you do this right, then stories will be told about you at every Halloween party the hosts throw from now on. That is, of course, if they decide to throw another one.
Now go out there and be somebody!