Costume Ideas for Creeps

So Halloween is here, and if you live on the Eastern side of the country, Hurricane Sandy is knocking things around like at total bitch. But don’t let that windy whore ruin your plans of attending your coworker’s Halloween party that you weren’t invited to! Especially after I’ve gone through all this trouble to write this blog.

“But I don’t even have a costume!” You cry because you’re a rhetorical device.

“Not to worry!” I say to you, “I’ve come up with the best Halloween costumes based on what kind of creepy person you are!”

The thing I’m going to need from all of you, however, is that you be completely honest with yourself. I’ve developed these costume ideas based specifically for the type of creepy person that should wear them. The main point for these costumes isn’t to disguise your creepiness, but to use it to your advantage and make sure that you’re the most memorable person at the party you crashed.

Non-talker
So you’re the person that shows up to parties and doesn’t really talk to anyone? Well, I guess that doesn’t make you creepy as much as it makes you boring at parties. I think it’s safe to assume that most of the time, you can leave unnoticed and not a single party goer will remember that you were there. It’s about time we change that. The costume you should wear is pretty simple, but what will make it great will be your self-control. Buy any costume with a mask, but not any kind of mask. It has to be a mask that covers your entire head- even your hair. This is absolutely crucial, because you don’t want people guessing who you are. A good example of a costume for a non-talker would be my costume for this year, the Watchmen character, Rorschach:

Pictured: total badass.

But where I have failed at my costume by drinking and eating and generally being social, you must succeed. When you arrive to the party uninvited, (make sure you do it late, because then it will be way too crowded for the host or hostess to try to talk to you) you must find a place in one of the rooms and stand perfectly still, facing the party goers. Do not move. Don’t even turn your head. Just stand there with your head facing forward. Once people begin to notice you, they will assume you are staring at them. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. That really isn’t the point here. The point is for them to think you’re staring at them. Once someone confronts you about you staring at them, you leave. Don’t say a word, don’t acknowledge their presence, don’t even storm out of the house. Just quietly and slowly leave. Trust me, there is no way you won’t be the main topic of discussion for years to come.

Pervert
Sorry ladies, but if you’re a pervert, there is no Halloween costume idea that I have for you that hasn’t already been made for you. You’re on your own this time.

Fellas, there are two different routes you can take for a costume: either go as a sexy version of a classic character (Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, Pennywise the Clown), or you could go as one of perverted couple costumes.

If you choose the first option, be sure you do your research. You will want to make it look as accurate as possible while also displaying to all the women at the party that you just showed up to that you are ready to bone. Take this Sexy Joker Costume, for instance:

“Don’t even deny that I don’t rock this.” -Sexy Joker

This guy nailed it because it was both accurate to the movie (The Joker actually wore a costume like that at one point,) and also uncomfortably sexual. No matter how hard people will try, no matter how many drinks they drink or hallucinogens that take, they will still remember seeing your bulge through that dress or your untrimmed chest hair cascading over the neck.

As for those of you who chose the second option, you’re going to be relying a lot on chance. What you need to do is choose the male costume of a perverted couple costume. For instance, you could go as an electric plug:

Does anybody know where I can stick this?

Now that you have your costume, you’re going to have to find the woman wearing the female part of the costume. It’s only fair for you to think that you two will bone. And don’t mind the dude that’s wearing the same costume as you. He’s probably going to claim to be that woman’s “boyfriend.” Don’t believe him. He’s just doing the same thing you’re doing. Don’t believe any of that man’s lies, even when he starts beating you up. He’s just selling it harder than you.

Obsessive over a single person
Totally dress up as that person. Perfect their mannerisms. Make sure you even drink like they drink and eat like they eat. If they’re at the party (which they should be, because why did you come uninvited to that party anyway?), then make sure they see you dressed as them. There is no way they won’t appreciate it.

Fanboy/girl
This one may be the easiest to do. If you’re a fanboy or fangirl, then you should absolutely go as a character from that movie/ TV show/ video game/ member of the band. And you should not, by any means, play a character that has a similar body type as you. If you love He-Man, you should absolutely go as He-man, even if you’re a 120 lb man. Ladies, if you loved metroid’s Samus, then go as her and ignore the arguments about you weighing over 200 lbs. Just fucking go as that character.

Delusional Jerk
So, you’re an asshole that thinks highly of himself? We have so much in common! But that’s not important right now. Right now, you need a costume that fits with your pure awesomeness but still displays how incredibly full of yourself you are to everyone at the party you weren’t invited to. I say go with a famous fighter. UFC is popular right now, so go with one of those fighters. If you have long hair, like me, then there is no reason you shouldn’t be Clay Guida.

It’s like we’re twins!

And be sure to show how badass you are by either wearing a Tap Out shirt or just going shirtless. But you have to wear UFC shorts and have your hands wrapped. Otherwise you could run the risk of just looking like a douchebag.

Creepy uncle type

If you’re one of these types, then it is crucial that you play up your innocence at the party you’re crashing. That means your best option is to dress up like a child. The easiest route to go is to dress up as a baby:

The hairy chest really sells it here.

Of course you could go as a school boy or school girl:

Try to not look so seductive in this costume, unless you really think you rock it.

People will get the self-aware humor you’re portraying through the costume and they will absolutely respect you for that.

Peeping Tom/ Tonya
Delivery and self-awareness are absolutely crucial if you have been marked as a peeping Tom/ Tonya. Just with the creepy uncle type, you as a peeping Tom/Tonya will earn some personality points if you make jokes about what people think about you. Therefore, you’re going to want to go to the party as a peeping Tom/ Tonya. For the men, I say dress as a tree. Your arms could be branches, or they could just be sticking out of the tree, holding a pair of binoculars. Your face, however must be sticking out. Don’t paint your face; don’t do anything to your face. You face should be an island of human in a sea of tree.

You could also fashion yourself a locker, stick yourself inside it, and then giggle a lot. Make sure that the people can see your eyes through the vents of the locker door. If you go as this, than you will probably not want to talk a lot, just like the non-talker. However, if you are threatened, then you will want to run out of the room screaming. Stay at the party. That is important- you must stay at the party. Then after a few minutes, go back into the room that you ran out of.

If you are handy with building things, then build yourself a window and fasten it around yourself. Then put a curtain over the window. Really sell your costume by peeking through the window . Make yourself look shifty- basically how you always look. Just keep doing that. An added bonus with this costume is that you can reach for things through the window. Doing that will add a level of dark humor to your costume that the party goers that were invited will have a positive reaction to. Some of them may even recognize you!
So there you go! Now you’re completely ready to sneak into this party that no one invited you to! Be sure to sell your personae as much as possible, because you want people to remember you and your costume for years to come. If you do this right, then stories will be told about you at every Halloween party the hosts throw from now on. That is, of course, if they decide to throw another one.

Now go out there and be somebody!

Newark Campus Legends:Mr. Sturger vs. Mrs. Slope

Everyone, I hope all of you are all as excited as I am. Chances are that you are not so excited that you shaving your genitals and rubbing tapioca pudding all over your shirtless torso as I am doing now (yes, while I am typing. I’m just that talented.) Well, you should be. This is not only my first blog in almost two weeks, it is also the first blog that I have written since classes started back up last Wednesday.  And oh, are they fifteen credit hours of pure joy.  The classes I am taking are Engilsh ***-Critical ******* for ******* Majors ( you’ll see why that is censored in a minute), Spanish 104 aka Why does an English Major need to take this?, and Geology- which is more commonly called “Rocks” by those who don’t give a damn about Geology (everyone.)

Look at how pretty this rare stone is. It's a shame i don't care.

Something interesting about my Spanish class – the building that the class is in (Hagerty Hall to those of you who know main campus Ohio State) is apparently haunted by a phantom. The only proof I have of this is a creepy organ playing during the class time. Seriously, who plays the organ at 6:30 on a Thursday? No, who plays the organ ever? Even churches are migrating to acoustic guitars and drum sets.  That phantom seriously needs to get with the times. That is the only proof I have so far, but I will keep you posted.

In other Me news, I got another major part of my Halloween costume last week. This costume is proving to be the most elaborate and expensive ever. I will be so pissed if it is not as good as my Garth Algar costume from last Halloween. That one was my best so far, and I am determined to beat that. I am hoping that it will be better than my best four costume ideas combined. Which would look something like Garth dressed as a convict Moses who was about to be put to death via the electric chair, when he got ran over by a car. I am not going to tell you what the costume is going to be, but I can assure you it is going to be a doozy.

So at work on Saturday I found out I have a nice ass. Let me explain. On Saturdays during the college football season, employees at the grocery store that I work at are allowed to wear OSU shirts. Saturday I was wearing my long sleeve shirt under my apron, and my one coworker commented that we hadn’t seen each other for a while, and that my shoulders have become broader since the last time we worked together. My coworker then said, “I hope you’re not offended by this, but I’ve noticed that you have a really nice ass.”

I laughed, but laughter is usually my default action when I feel awkward. I guess it was a little strange to me when it came from George. However, that did explain why he gave me those anal beads and the Gatorade with a roofie in it earlier in the day, but no matter…

To be honest, the situation did happen, but a woman said it, not a man. Oh, and there was no anal beads or spiked Gatorade that I remember, but the day was a bit of a blur.

While we are on the subject of women flirting with me at places of my employment, I got hit on by a 50ish year old woman at the Writer’s Studio on Monday. She said she wasn’t, but I knew that was bullshit. I forget how the conversation started, but it ended with her commenting on my eyes (apparently they are beautiful.) Before I was able to thank her, she stated that she was not flirting with me. Me thinks the lady doth deny too much. I am starting to suspect that I may not have a personality. Basically, I am basing this on the theory that the better looking someone is, the less of a personality they have. But then again, ugly people probably made that rule up to feel better about themselves.

Anyway, on to the blog…

Every county, state, city, town, major university, and cavernous vagina has some kind of legend. OSU-Newark (Nerk or OSUN as I will be referring to it for now on) is no different. Infact, there are many legends that swirl around the Newark campus like a turd in a toilet like:

1. The ghost that haunts the men’s locker room in Adena
2. The human hand that is hidden somewhere James Stjohn’s room.
3. The laying girl statue (Suzy Creamcheese as I have named her) mysteriously appeared on campus after a brutal murder of a girl occurred in that same spot in 1976
4. Pornstar legend John Holmes graduated from there in 2008, surprisingly 20 years after he died. Making him the first zombie to ever receive a Bachelor’s Degree.
5. The “circle of friends” statues come alive at night and kill any late-night jogger

No, this is not a convicted rapist; this is John Holmes. But there still sin't much of a difference.

There are dozens more that I just made up, but I would like to tell you about one that came upon me surprisingly, and deals with people I actually know. Now to protect their identities, I will not use their real names, but I will hastily make up names so that no one (other than the readers who know who I am talking about-which is just about everyone) knows who I am talking about. This is more to prevent some major shit to go down in my class. It would be interesting, and make for one hell of a good blog, but unnecessary drama that I feel is, umm… unnecessary.

My class mate and “friend,” Burger hates our English professor, Caroline. And to my knowledge, she hates him back. Now, it could be that he just says that she hates him, but there could be some animosity that I am not seeing. Anyway, months before the class started (yea, MONTHS) he was already talking shit on her and how he dreaded the class. He said that he was going to have to work twice as hard in that class to get a half way decent grade.

Here is my theory of why they don’t get along: Caroline hates men, and Burger is a chauvinist. I’m just throwing it out there. You should hear some of the things he says sometimes

Anyhoo, so when class started last week, I was expecting him to say very little base on the simple fact that he hates her, but to my surprise Burger is talking the most out of the entire class except for that one annoying bitch. There is always one of those in every class. Anyway, Burger will just spout out whatever he is thinking whether it is right or wrong or a fully developed thought, or just a mind fetus that was miscarried. What’s even stranger is that at one point, Caroline said that she was born in Mississippi, to which Burger replied, “Really, Mississippi? Hmm…” He said it with a genuine interest that I do not believe was faked. At this moment of their personal connection (all be it brief connection) everything I know was turned on my head. Swirls of color and and blurred shapes exploded all around me as loud indistinguishable noises stabbed my eardrums. It was like watching a Michael Bay movie, if a Michael bay movie made sense.

Now you may be wondering “Minigan, why are you considering this a legend?” or “are you really this bored to make this crap up?” or even “why are you wearing that thong?” and my answer to these 3 questions is “Because it feels good.” And for the first question, I am not the only one who knows about it.

Earlier this week another one of my classmates pointed out what I was noticing myself. She even knew that they hated each other. I was amazed that I wasn’t the only one who knew, and we both laughed about it, sitting on our respective towers watching the actors play out the melodramatic, yet overly dramatic soap opera. In next Friday’s class we will find out who is the father of Alisha’s baby. And then we will critique the scene using historical criticism.

One person makes a situation like this a blog post, two people make this situation a conspiracy, three or more people make the situation a legend. Wednesday, as I was headed into work at the WS, I saw one of my old classmates from Spanish 102. I told him that I was in the English class that I am in. he then explained to me how there is this kid he knows that is in that class. He told me that this kid hates Caroline and that he has been talking shit on her about for the past year.

To which I replied, “wait, who is taking a shit on who, why do you know this, and why are you telling me?”

After several minutes of confusion, retelling of the information, and an explanation between the difference between talking shit on someone and taking a shit on someone (one that involved the most disturbing PowerPoint presentation ever) I realized that he was talking about Burger. We laughed about it, and I shared the information I had. Soon after, I headed into work, while my friend went home to probably make more German schiza slideshows.

Basically, this is giving me something to do for this class time for the rest of the quarter. Ya know other than learning Englishy things and stuff. And it gives me a good opportunity to people watch two people who hate each other and how they act in a group. This is my little social experiment. Yea, I’m not a diabolical douchebag at all.

Well, it has taken me a week, several blog topics (one of them being none) and a lot of my self esteem, but I finally finished this blog.

Enjoy bitches- I guess I should have put that at the beginning. Oh well.

Oh, and I feel that at many points in this blog I used pictures that would have been better if they were of  women in  bikinis, so here is one. You’re welcome.

Peace