Hello, Hayden? It’s me, Minigan Blackwood. You may know me as the man of your dreams, or more specifically, one or two of your nightmares.
Look, before we get started, I think we should be honest here. I know you’re reading this just as much as Criss Angel and Damien Walters have read all four of my Awesomesquad Assemble! posts. So I’ll make a deal with you; I’ll let myself believe that you are reading this post as long as you let yourself believe that I know how to pronounce your last name.
Anyway, the reason I called you here today is because I need to have a serious talk with you. I know that this is going to sound weird. I mean, we just met, but already I feel this deep connection between us. This connection is something unheard of for a beautiful, talented actress like you and a muscular, devilishly handsome, yet potentially insane blog writer like me to have. I know that you feel the connection like I do. Before you started to read this, you were wondering why you had always felt like you were about do jump off a cliff and into the warm waters of the Gulf of California (something I do regularly; you are welcome to join me anytime). You think that feeling is some kind of primal fear, or maybe even nervousness. But it’s not; it’s love. That’s right Hayden, you’re in love. And the person you are in love with is the only person to realize that you are in love: me.
Don’t be ashamed for losing yourself to me. It happens a lot. All the time, people walk up to me and tell me they love me. Women say it, men say it, young children say it, and those voices that only I can hear say it (right before they tell me to rob a bank, of course). So, as you can see by my blatant lie, you have no reason to feel shame for the extreme attraction you have towards me.
And don’t you dare think that these feelings are unrequited. Oh no, Miss Panettiere &Fitch, I have been admiring you, NOT from the bushes outside your window, but from the televisions. Every week for the first season, I watched heroes with a dedication that would normally get me thrown onto some kind of government watch list. I was taken aback by your beauty, your acting talent, and you ability to survive getting thrown off of a building over
But now that Heroes is off the air, I am both ecstatic and terrified at your latest character turn, the sexy and short haired movie buff, Kirby, in the latest Scream movie. I’m ecstatic because this means that you still have an acting career, and therefore, I still get to see you, but I am terrified of the thought of seeing you stabbed to death by a horror movie cliché. And I am serious about that last statement. Check out the trailer for it:
That part where you name off all the horror movie remakes and the killer says “Not even close”
I am genuinely freaked out that you are going to die in this movie, and I have only watched the trailers. I promise you, I will scream “NOOOOOOO!” if you die. So do me a favor and please don’t. I don’t want to have to hate Wes Craven for killing you off. He seems like he would be crazy and not someone I would want to fuck with.
Anyway, I think that we should get together some time, we could jump out of windows, scream at highschool football players, or maybe get chased by a killer in a ghost mask together. I know you have a boyfriend, but I am so much better for you, baby. To prove so, I have made a list of all of the qualities that make me a good boyfriend:
- I do not cheat on nor beat my girlfriends
- I know how to cook, clean, and do my own laundry
- I am a good writer, so if another man ever disrespects you, I can write him an eloquent, yet demanding cease and desist letter.
- I’ve got long hair. I have been told that that is a plus.
- If the killer is chasing us, I will debate on whether or not I am going to trip you before I trip myself and let you escape. (in my defense, I am pretty sure you can heal like that in real life, so you aren’t in any danger anyway)
- I am a robot from the future
- I am not Eastern European/Russian/ whatever the hell that monstrosity that you call your current boyfriend is. (Side note, Hayden’s current boyfriend, please don’t kill me)
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. Just as you think you are a singer, I think I am funny. But these minor imperfections are what will make our relationship that much more entertaining. You can sing crappy, but none the less catchy, songs and I will stand there making jokes about how the cameraman can’t aim a camera for shit.
So if you have liked any of what you have read today, please comment on this blog and let me know, that way we can schedule a rendezvous. If you at all disgusted or offended by what you read, you should probably reread this post over and over until you feel the way I do: tired and a little bloated.
Peace be with you. So much peace be with you. Mmmmmmmm
And to everyone who is not Hayden Panettiere, I hope you enjoyed this week’s ramblings. I would like to point out that as of now, I still have a week and a half until I am allowed to get back onto facebook, not 4 days as my shitty math in my previous blog calculated. Yea, I’m pissed too. Also, if you like my blogs, or if you feel like you don’t click enough buttons on the internet, you should subscribe to my blog. The button for it is up on the top on the left hand side. Hayden, feel free to click on it all you want. Purrrrrr