A Romantic Proposition to Hayden Panettiere

Hello, Hayden? It’s me, Minigan Blackwood. You may know me as the man of your dreams, or more specifically, one or two of your nightmares.

Look, before we get started, I think we should be honest here. I know you’re reading this just as much as Criss Angel and Damien Walters have read all four of my Awesomesquad Assemble! posts. So I’ll make a deal with you; I’ll let myself believe that you are reading this post as long as you let yourself believe that I know how to pronounce your last name.

Your name is right under the mish-mash of letters that is the name of Giada De Laurentiis on the list of hot female celebrities whose names I can's pronounce

Anyway, the reason I called you here today is because I need to have a serious talk with you. I know that this is going to sound weird. I mean, we just met, but already I feel this deep connection between us.  This connection is something unheard of for a beautiful, talented actress like you and a muscular, devilishly handsome, yet potentially insane blog writer like me to have. I know that you feel the connection like I do. Before you started to read this, you were wondering why you had  always felt like you were about do jump off a cliff and into the warm waters of the Gulf of California (something I do regularly; you are welcome to join me anytime). You think that feeling is some kind of primal fear, or maybe even nervousness. But it’s not; it’s love. That’s right Hayden, you’re in love. And the person you are in love with is the only person to realize that you are in love: me.

I am equal parts ripped and crazy.

Don’t be ashamed for losing yourself to me. It happens a lot. All the time, people walk up to me and tell me they love me. Women say it, men say it, young children say it, and those voices that only I can hear  say it (right before they tell me to rob a bank, of course).  So, as you can see by my blatant lie, you have no reason to feel shame for the extreme attraction you have towards me.

And don’t you dare think that these feelings are unrequited. Oh no, Miss Panettiere &Fitch, I have been admiring you, NOT from the bushes outside your window, but from the televisions. Every week for the first season,  I watched heroes with a dedication that would normally get me thrown onto some kind of government watch list. I was taken aback by your beauty,  your acting talent, and you ability to survive getting thrown off of a building over

And over

And over

And over

And over.

Damn, bitch be trippin'!

But now that Heroes is off the air, I am both ecstatic and terrified at your latest character turn, the sexy and short haired movie buff, Kirby, in the latest Scream movie.  I’m ecstatic because this means that you still have an acting career, and therefore, I still get to see you, but I am terrified of the thought of seeing you stabbed to death by a horror movie cliché. And I am serious about that last statement. Check out the trailer for it:

That part where you name off all the horror movie remakes and the killer says “Not even close”

😯 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am genuinely freaked out that you are going to die in this movie, and I have only watched the trailers. I promise you, I will scream “NOOOOOOO!” if you die. So do me a favor and please don’t. I don’t want to have to hate Wes Craven for killing you off. He seems like he would be crazy and not someone I would want to fuck with.

Anyway, I think that we should get together some time, we could jump out of windows, scream at highschool football players, or maybe get chased by a killer in a ghost mask together. I know you have a boyfriend,  but I am so much better for you, baby. To prove so, I have made a list of all of the qualities that make me a good boyfriend:

  1. I do not cheat on nor beat my girlfriends
  2. I know how to cook, clean, and do my own laundry
  3. I am a good writer, so if another man ever disrespects you, I can write him an eloquent, yet demanding cease and desist letter.
  4. I’ve got long hair. I have been told that that is a plus.
  5. If the killer is chasing us, I will debate on whether or not I am going to trip you before I trip myself and let you escape. (in my defense, I am pretty sure you can heal like that in real life, so you aren’t in any danger anyway)
  6. I am a robot from the future
  7. I am not Eastern European/Russian/ whatever the hell that monstrosity that you call your current boyfriend is. (Side note, Hayden’s current boyfriend, please don’t kill me)

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. Just as you think you are a singer, I think I am funny. But these minor imperfections are what will make our relationship that much more entertaining. You can sing  crappy, but none the less catchy,  songs and I will stand there making jokes about how the cameraman can’t aim a camera for shit.

So if you have liked any of what you have read today, please comment on this blog and let me know, that way we can schedule a rendezvous. If you at all disgusted or offended by what you read, you should probably reread this post over and over until you feel the way I do: tired and a little bloated.

Please don't make your shirt a liar, Hayden.

Peace be with you. So much peace be with you.  Mmmmmmmm

And to everyone who is not Hayden Panettiere, I hope you enjoyed this week’s ramblings. I would like to point out that as of now, I still have a week and a half until I am allowed to get back onto facebook, not 4 days as my shitty math  in my previous blog calculated. Yea, I’m pissed too. Also, if you like my blogs, or if you feel like you don’t click enough buttons on the internet, you should subscribe to my blog. The button for it is up on the top on the left hand side. Hayden, feel free to click on it all you want. Purrrrrr

Awesomesquad assemble!

I had a good day today. I know that most of you who know me on a personal level are saying to yourself “Minigan, a good day to you is a mediocre day with one good thing that happened.” Then, you plot to end my life with a roll of bubble wrap and a pet rock… Well yes, it was a pretty normal day except I got to listen to the White stripes song “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground,” and the Killers “When You Were Young.” It makes my day when I unexpectedly hear those songs. Also, I got to say a joke I had wanted to say for a long time. I forget which comedian I heard say it, but I have been waiting to say it for years. The conversation was between My boss “Zulu,” my coworker “The Hobbit” and me “Sexy Beast.” This is it.

Zulu- The owner is going to be in tomorrow morning.

The Hobbit- Good thing I won’t be in tomorrow morning.

Zulu-oh yea

The Hobbit-Well, I’ll be in here tomorrow to pick up my son’s birthday cake.

Zulu- Oh really, how old is he?

The Hobbit- He is going to be five

Sexy Beast- Oh, that’s the year that they kill their parents.

Zulu- Yea, I saw it in a movie once.

Sexy Beast- Me too! The one that was based on a true story?

Zulu- Yea!

My boss and I thought it was really funny, the Hobbit did not laugh. But oh well, fuck him. That joke was funny. I hate that dude anyway. He talks shit on everyone, so I’m pretty sure he talks about me behind my back. I have no proof that he does, but if someone talks about everyone else, you can only assume that the person talks about you. This is not my self-diagnosed paranoia talking; it is perfectly rational thinking. DON’T JUDGE ME!

Anyway, I digress…

The reason I called all of you here today (and by “call you” I mean “you find my blog and start reading)  is because I have come up with a brilliant idea. I have decided to put together an elite team of select individuals to join me to fight crime.  I have researched this for many moons now and I have figured out what members a team like this would require. I have not named the group yet, but here is my (uncompleted) list of positions, my choice and my reason.

  1. Weapon technician- Everett Bradford- This video is the only explanation you need.
  2. Mechanic/ vehicle builder- Jessie James- Other than being a total badass, and married to Sandra Bullock, I chose Mr. James mainly jesse_jamesbecause I associate him with the Discovery Channel show “Monster Garage” where they would take a normal car, and make it into something insane and amazing. Some of their most memorable were: Ford Ambulance-Wheel Stander, PT Cruiser-wood chipper, Police car- donut shop, and the School bus- Pontoon boat
  3. Criss Angel- I don’t have a “title” for him. My only reasoning for even having him in this group is because what he does has to be real magic. I have one condition for him, however. He is not allowed in this group if he insists on having that stupid emo haircut. That only makes him look like a tool, and I don’t allow tools in my club.
  4. Gymnastic trainer- Damien Walters- this one also comes with a video, but it will definitely need some explaining. Not only does Damien make gymnastics look not gay (except for those two times), he also makes me kind of wish I was a gymnast. His agility and ability to scale buildings would be perfect to chase down our enemies, especially if we paired his abilities with Everett’s flame throwers.
  5. Boxing instructor- Now I have two options for this person. Neither of these people are famous for their boxing ability, but I know both of them and I have seen their kick boxing abilities even if only on youtube. The first option is my older brother; the second is one of the owners of the gym that I work out at. Here are the pros and cons for each option:

By the way, sorry about this graph, WordPress was being incredibly retarded.

Bro pros Bro cons
  1. At one point (I’m not sure if he still is) he was ranked #3 in the world for his division in kick boxing
  2. He is my brother, so I can trust him
  3. He has a mouth on him- he can probably trash talk our enemies enough that they get too pissed off to fight properly.
  4. He could probably handle driving Jessie James’s vehicles.
  5. He would be willing to fight dirty
  6. He is fun to drink with
  1. Sibling rivalry
  2. I would never think of my own brother betraying me, which makes him a perfect candidate for being a traitor.
  3. He can be a bit of a douche, but then again, so can I
  4. He would probably lose interest fairly quickly
  5. I doubt he has trained anyone in kickboxing
  6. We would have to fake our deaths to protect our families. That would effectively knock out 2/3 of the people that could carry on the family name.
Owner pros Owner cons
  1. He can punch someone in the stomach and make them throw up
  2. He is a personal trainer, so he can teach the rest of us how to fight
  3. I have no reason not to trust him
  4. He is smart- definitely smarter than my brother (no offence, bro)
  5. He is open to trying different things
  6. He has seen more of the world than my brother
  1. The punch to the stomach thing only happened one time. He could probably do it again, but it cannot be classified as a skill yet.
  2. I don’t know him as well as my brother
  3. Similar as #2 in bro cons
  4. He and his wife are going to have a child. If my knowledge of action movie clichés serves me correctly, this means that he will definitely die.
  5. He can fight, but would he be willing to kill a man if it came to that
  6. I don’t know if he could handle driving one of Jessie James’s monster machines

6. Mentalist-Derren Brown- if you watched the Sci Fi channel (syfy is Derren Brownfucking gay. I refuse to watch that station until they apologize for the attempted murder of my language ) you may have heard of Derren. He had a short lived show called “Mind control with Derren Brown” basically he could hypnotize people and get them to believe whatever he wants. He’s like Criss Angel, except he can get prisoners to tell secrets without torture and he has an awesome British accent.

7. Rich person who funds everything-?????- he will need to buy the tools needed to build Everett’s weapons and Jessie’s vehicles, the abandoned warehouse that we will convert into our super-secret HQ, the gym equipment for the gymnastic area and the boxing area, and whatever magic cards, top hats, trick coins, etc. that Criss and Derren will need.

8. Genetic biologist-?????- someone willing to manipulate the teams genes to give them heightened reflexes, heightened senses, higher running speed, and more agility and stamina.

9. Medic- ?????- someone who can tend to our wounds. I can handle some of the minor stuff, but it would be necessary to have a professional in the team in case shit goes down.

10.  Hacker- ?????- someone who can break through the firewalls of our enemies and steal their information. Also (in extreme cases, or if we  want to use the prototypes of top secret aircrafts) our own government. Sometimes when fighting the world’s filth, you need to get a little dirty.

11.  Stealth expert/ covert ops- ?????- someone who knows how to do things without being seen. They will need to know how to use cloaking devices, and how to sneak up on our enemies.

I do not know my place in this team yet, which scares me because my only discernable talent is writing and that can’t help me fight crime. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing if you make a team so completely and utterly awesome that you, the founder of said group, should be kicked out due to uselessness.

If you noticed, the people I have chosen are all real people (except for Jessie James who I assume is a heavily tattooed android sent from the future to steal Sandra Bullock away from the rest of us.) If you have any suggestions of a person who could work well in categories 7-11, or who will work better as the boxing instructor, suggest them. As long as the suggested people for 7-11 are competent, I will consider them. I am hoping to diversify it though, so far everyone in the group is a white male.  I do not want it to be a Caucasian sausage fest, so please take that into consideration as well.

Here are some of the positions that failed to make into my group

1.      The Eater- Takeru Kobayashi – really, the only reason for him being in the group was to eat any incrimidating documents if the government tried to break into our fortress. I decided that all of our paper would be made out of the pulp from oranges, and taste delicious, so that everyone would eat them if such a situation would arise.kobayashi

2.      Ammunitions expert- ?????- thrown out because that is what the internet is for, and everyone in the group would be armed to the teeth in high tech weaponry, not just guns.

3.      Ballistics expert- ?????- ditto

4.      Aquatics trainer- Michael Phelps- really the only reason I thought he would be a good idea is because we could mutate him into more of a man/fish hybrid that what he already is.

5.      Priest- ?????- I doubt that any priest will be willing to shoot someone. I just wanted a man of the cloth on our side to make sure Yahweh would be cool with what we would be doing.

Oh, and most importantly, I forgot to tell you our first nemesis. It is Donald Trump’s hair.

yes, yes, all shall bow to my mighty folical glory!

yes, yes, all shall bow to my mighty folical glory!

Peace between the fleece with chicken grease.

Be sure to check out the thrilling second and third installments of the Awesomesquad!

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