The Great Cereal Bar Experiment

Hi there friends, internet friends, acquaintances, distinguished enemies, and merpeople that have acquired access to the internet, and welcome to the most life-changing blog post you’ll ever read.

See, it dawned on me several years ago, while perusing the cereal section of my local grocery store, just how many different varieties of cereal there are these days. There has to be at least 300 varieties of Cheerios alone. And as I walked past the Rice Krispie treats, it dawned on me: Why aren’t all cereals made into Rice Krispie treat- like bars? Why did we as a society decide to limit ourselves to one to two kinds of cereal bars? Was there a cereal that would be better than Rice Krispies? I decided that there had to be a better cereal bar out there, and so I decided to do an experiment to find it. The following is the experiment in its entirety, done in the proper scientific method. So put on your ceremonial Science robes, send a final prayer to the god you’re about to abandon and get ready for Science!

Posed Question– Based on several different characteristics, what cereal makes for the best marshmallow/ cereal bar?

Background Research– As I expected, Cereal-other-than-Rice-Crispies-treats are a thing that exist. A Facebook friend once shared a picture of Fruity Pebble treats she made once, so I figured that other varieties had been made. Here’s a recipe for Froot Loop bars, and here’s a Buzzfeed listicle for a bunch of different ones. However, the point of this experiment was not to find out whether or not other cereal bars were possible, but to find which cereal makes the best cereal bar, which none of these food blogs answer. So leave it to me to find the answer to a question these cowardly food bloggers won’t ask.

Ramblings of a Madman

Ramblings Of A Madman: making enemies of other people’s dumb ass blogs since 2009.

Now, this article from Huffington Post has a list of “treats that go beyond Rice Krispies,” but again, it doesn’t say which one comes out on top, and the only reasons these bars go “beyond rice Krispies” is because the cereals are not Rice Krispies or they maybe add other ingredients ( side note: I could only see the article on my phone’s browser)So, way to mislead your readers, again, HuffPo. However, after a little bit of digging, I did find this blog from 2008 that tested 6 different kinds of cereal. They used a New Year’s Eve party and had the attendees be their Guinea pigs, which was smart, because what group of people are more open to being experimented on than drunk people? Unfortunately, this blogger did not come up with any solid conclusion other than “Rice Krispie Treats are a formula that ‘works’” and that the shredded wheat doesn’t absorb the marshmallow very well. Without a definitive answer from the most thorough experiment I could find, I knew in what ways to conduct my experiment.

Hypothesis– based on all the factors below, I believe that the Golden Crisp will make the best cereal bar because of their relatively small size, soft texture, and sweet, but not too sweet, taste.

Despite this, Honey Bunches of Oats will have the most interesting texture because it has both flakes and clusters.

Overall, I think the cereals with smaller pieces will make the bars easier to mix and eat, but that will not ensure that cereal to be a winner.

Setting up the Experiment

To carry out this experiment effectively and objectively, I have created a point system to score the cereals.  I have listed several points of judgment below.  Each cereal will be given a score of 1 to 10 for each point of judgment, and at the end, their total will be scored. Please note that some of the points have a minus in front. Those points’ scores will be subtracted from the score.

Points of judgment:

Size of cereal pieces (Not factored into total score, just used for classification)

Ease of mixing ingredients (EOM)

Appearance

-Toughness

Taste

-Mouth cutting index (MCI)

Practical edibility

Total

Along with these points, there will be the following points: “Improvements??” and “Notes.” “Improvements??” is, obviously, ways I could potentially improve upon the recipe of that particular cereal bar, and “Notes” is reserved for any thoughts I had as I was making/ taste testing said cereal bar.

Now, on to the cereals. For this experiment, I chose 25 different kinds of cereal,  2 of which (Rice Krispies and Cocoa Krispies) I used as my control groups. I have organized the cereals into groups based on shape:

-Rice

Rice Crispies

Cocoa Crispies

Fruity Pebbles

-Pellets

Golden Crisp

Pops

Reese’s Puffs

Cookies and Cream Cereal

Cocoa Puffs

Trix

Crunch Berries

-Flakes and Squares

Honey Bunches of oats

Golden Grahams

Frosted flakes

Cinnamon Life

Cinnamon Toast crunch

Raisin Bran

-Rings

Honey Nut Cheerios

Apple Jacks

Froot loops

-Bricks

Frosted mini wheats

Chocolate Krave

-Miscellaneous Shapes

Honeycomb

Cookie Crisp

Count Chocula

Lucky Charms

Out of all the popular cereals out there, you might have noticed one particular variety was missing: Chex. This was intentional. I decided beforehand that Chex cereal has enough snacks made from it and that it really didn’t need another one added to the list. Stop being greedy, Chex Cereal, Let some other type of cereal have its day in the spotlight.

Conducting the Experiment

I separated the cereals into three groups of six and one group of seven. These cereals were grouped at random with the exceptions of the control cereals. I did those last because 1. I did not want their scores to affect the other scores, and 2. Because I used a premade Coco Krispie bar rather than make one. I did this because it was easier that way, because the regular Rice Krispies and Cocoa Krispies should have the same scores for everything but taste, and because I would have had to buy an extra bag of marshmallows to do that one. If you want to not accept Cocoa Krispies as a part of the experiment, for this reason, I understand, but I also think you should know that I don’t give a shit about what you think.

I conducted the experiment over the course of 7 months. I made a cup’s worth of 6 kinds of cereal according to the directions on the marshmallow bag. For those unfamiliar with making Rice Krispie Treats, the recipe is as follows: 1 bag of Marshmallows, 6 cups Rice Krispies, 3 Tbsp of butter.  Directions: Pour cereal into nonstick glass container. Melt butter and marshmallows in saucepan until smooth. Pour over cereal and mix until well combined. Flatten with spatula or back of a spoon. Let cool.

Data

Frosted Flakes

Size- 3

EOM-2
Appearance-4
-Toughness-1
Taste-7
-MCI-1
Practical Edibility-8
Total Score-19

Improvements?- Maybe use regular corn flakes instead

Notes- Very sweet, runs the risk of going soggy

Cocoa Puffs

Size-3

EOM- 5
Appearance- 4
-Toughness- 4
Taste-9
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-7
Total Score-19

Improvements?- Graham cracker crumbs and mini marshmallows maybe

Notes- Tastes much better than anticipated

Froot Loops

Size- 4

EOM- 6
Appearance- 8
-Toughness- 4
Taste- 6
-MCI- 2
Practical Edibility- 7
Total Score- 21

Improvements?- Dried fruit? These are pretty good on their own and don’t need much improvement at all, honestly.

Notes-none

Cookie Crisp

Size- 5

EOM- 5
Appearance-3
-Toughness- 5
Taste-4
-MCI-3
Practical Edibility-3
Total Score-7

Improvements?- Chocolate chips

Notes- The Vanilla flavor really comes out with the marshmallow

Pops

Size-5

EOM-8
Appearance-3
-Toughness-3
Taste-6
-MCI-1
Practical Edibility-4
Total Score-17

Improvements?- none

Notes- the more you eat, the worse it tastes

Apple Jacks

Size-4

EOM-5
Appearance-5
-Toughness-4
Taste-4
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-7
Total Score-15

Improvements?- Sprinkled cinnamon into the marshmallow mixture

Notes- very sweet, marshmallow overpowers the cereal

Fruity Pebbles

Size-1

EOM-10
Appearance-10
-Toughness-1
Taste-10
-MCI-1
Practical Edibility-10
Total Score-38

Improvements?- none

Notes-surprisingly good for a cereal I’ve never enjoyed

Count Chocula

Size-6

EOM-5
Appearance-5
-Toughness-8
Taste-4
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-7
Total Score-11

Improvements?- use marshmallow fluff instead

Notes- marshmallows in cereal melt when you add warm marshmallow mixture

Cookies & Cream Cereal

Size-4

EOM-6
Appearance-3
-Toughness-2
Taste-2
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-7
Total Score-14

Improvements?- a better tasting cereal

Notes-cereal was stale (my fault and not factored into the cereal’s score) but it was better after letting the marshmallow soak into them

Cinnamon Life

Size-6

EOM-4
Appearance-5
-Toughness-8
Taste-8
-MCI-7
Practical Edibility-4
Total Score-6

Improvements?- none that I can think  of

Notes- crumbles apart easily

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Size-5

EOM-6
Appearance-6
-Toughness-2
Taste-10
-MCI-7
Practical Edibility-6
Total Score- 19

Improvements?- nothing

Notes- the best tasting so far, the cinnamon sugar mixed well w/ marshmallow

Honey Bunches of Oats

Size-3

EOM-8
Appearance-7
-Toughness-2
Taste-6
-MCI-6
Practical Edibility-8
Total Score-21

Improvements?- none

Notes-none

Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries

Size-4

EOM-6
Appearance-10
-Toughness-6
Taste-8
-MCI-8
Practical Edibility-6
Total Score-16

Improvements?- all Crunch Berries? All regular?

Notes-very attractive looking cereal bar

Krave

Size-7

EOM-3
Appearance-2
-Toughness-2
Taste-2
-MCI-6
Practical Edibility-7
Total Score-6

Improvements?- chocolate chips

Notes-cereal and chocolate didn’t go well together with marshmallow

Honey Nut Cheerios

Size-3

EOM-6
Appearance-5
-Toughness-2
Taste-8
-MCI-3
Practical Edibility-8
Total Score-19

Improvements?- Any Variety of Cheerios you like. Cheerios are like the Body Snatchers of the cereal world: if there is a type of cereal that exists, Cheerios has tried to mimic it.

Notes-sweet at first, but you still get the honey, nut, and oat flavors

Trix

Size-3

EOM-6
Appearance-7
-Toughness-7
Taste-8
-MCI-6
Practical Edibility-6
Total Score-14

Improvements?-?

Notes-I bought my package of Trix before they switched back to using artificial colors. If I had bought it later, it would probably have a higher appearance score.

  • Also, it sticks to your teeth a little

Reese’s Puffs

Size-3

EOM-3
Appearance-7
-Toughness-2
Taste-4
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-8
Total Score-18

Improvements?-more marshmallow mixture

Notes-marshmallow crumbled off of cereal when cooled- combination of subpar mixing and waxy coating on cereal

Golden Crisp

Size-2

EOM-7
Appearance-4
-Toughness-2
Taste-8
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-9
Total Score-24

Improvements?-go with unsweetened puffed rice cereal instead

Notes- a little too on the sweet side, but otherwise delicious

Golden Grahams

Size-5

EOM-7
Appearance-7
-Toughness-4
Taste-9
-MCI-1
Practical Edibility-8
Total Score-26

Improvements?-chocolate chunks and mini marshmallows

Notes-none

Lucky Charms

Size-3

EOM-7
Appearance-7
-Toughness-4
Taste-8
-MCI-2
Practical Edibility-8
Total Score-24

Improvements?-my dick. Just kidding! I wanted to see if you were actually reading this. Good job! But for real, maybe use premade marshmallow fluff instead next time.

Notes-lost an appearance point due to crumbling marshmallows

Honey Comb

Size-7

EOM-5
Appearance-5
-Toughness-6
Taste-6
-MCI-5
Practical Edibility-2
Total Score-7

Improvements?- break apart the pieces before hand

Notes-pieces too big to make it practical to eat

Frosted Mini Wheats

Size-9

EOM-Started as a 10, ended as a 2…. So 6 I guess?
Appearance-5
-Toughness-6
Taste-4
-MCI-5
Practical Edibility-2
Total Score-6

Improvements?-smaller pieces or the flavored varieties

Notes-I chose standard Mini Wheats over the Litte Bites because I thought it would be funnier. Which, judging by the pictures I took while trying to eat this monstrosity, I was correct. Other than that, it started off sweet but went bland very quickly. It was also very dry, as the shredded wheat  bricks didn’t properly absorb the marshmallow fluff.

Raisin Bran

Size-3

EOM-2
Appearance-5
-Toughness-1
Taste-6
-MCI-5
Practical Edibility-7
Total Score-14

Improvements?-more marshmallow

Notes-I didn’t mix it properly. So it falls apart a little. The brittleness of the flakes made it more difficult to mix

Rice Krispies

Size-1

EOM-10
Appearance-5
-Toughness-1
Taste-7
-MCI-0
Practical Edibility-9
Total Score-30

Improvements?-chocolate chips? Cinnamon? Really these are a good tabula rasa for you to get creative with

Notes- these are standard, I don’t have any notes that you don’t already know

Cocoa Krispies

Size-1

EOM-10 (assumed)
Appearance-6 (this is not considering its cut shape; I just prefer chocolate)
-Toughness-3
Taste-7
-MCI-1
Practical Edibility-9
Total Score-28

Improvements?-Add dark chocolate chunks or dip it in melted chocolate

Notes-I bought a premade bar for this one because I ran out of the other ingredients for another batch of cereal bars. You can either accept these results or discount them. I dgaf.

Interpreting the Data

According to my calculations, the cereal with the highest score was Fruity Pebbles. This was a surprise for me since I have never liked any kind of Pebbles cereal before. It’s possible that since I was so surprised at how good the Fruity Pebbles turned out, that my scores for it were higher than they should be. And the fact that Fruity Pebbles was my only outlier in this study with 8 points separating it and the runner-up backs up this theory. In rebuttal to this, here are the totals for the cereal bars I didn’t like: Cookies & Cream- 14, Krave- 6, Reese’s Puffs- 18. While Krave was one of the three to have the lowest score, Cookies and Cream did moderately well and Reese’s Puffs came out about average. On top of that, some of my favorite cereals bars didn’t fare as well as I would have guessed. For Instance, Cap’n Crunch and Cocoa Puffs got a score of 16 and 19- two less and one more than Reese’s Puffs. And while they were two of my personal favorites, Reese’s Puffs was one of my least favorite cereal bars. Cinnamon Life, which is one of my favorite cereals, got a score of 6, tying it with Krave.

My expected winner, Golden Crisp tied for 5th place with Lucky Charms. And while I was right about the overall size of the pieces affecting their score, I originally thought that it wouldn’t necessarily give smaller cereals any sort of real advantage. The second half of that sentence turned out to be incorrect. The small pieces did turn out to have the highest scores and the largest pieces were among the lowest scoring cereals. That’s why Honeycomb scored so low in Practical Edibility- the pieces were simply too big to be practical. Plus, the smaller the cereal (with the exception being the flake cereals), the easier it was to mix in the marshmallow and have it mixed evenly.

The Average score came out to be 17.56, with Pops and Reese’s Puffs landing in the average range of 17-18. All this data analysis can be interpreted in 2 ways: Either my scoring system needed more work, or I successfully prevented my personal preferences from interfering with my results.  I like to believe it’s the latter.

Errors I Might Have Made/ How to Improve This Experiment

I think the biggest error made in this experiment would be the lack of test subjects. If I had more test subjects, it might have ended with more consistent totals. After all, the one website I found while researching had test subjects, and the rest of their “experiment” was amateurish at best.

In my defense, I was trying to have as few variables as possible, and stupid people’s wrong opinions are definitely a variable. Also, I guess I just wanted to experiment on myself like the great renegade scientists like Jonas Salk, Paul Stapp, and that guy that cracked the knuckles in only one of his hands for, like, 50 years to see if cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.

I was going to make a joke about self-experimentation in this caption, but I just noticed that this little motherfucker just got jizzed on by a glass dick.

It is also possible that my findings are inaccurate due to my point system that could be incomplete. I think I covered all the necessary bases, but I also admit I could have missed something or even broke down each point more. Granted, how do you break down what cereal bars look like more than just appearance? The most visually interesting ones are the ones with a lot of colors, and the rest sort of look boring when you really think about it. And all of them kind of look like they’re slathered up with a thick layer of cum.

And if you look at the process I made the cereal bars, an issue I had not prepared for was mixing in the marshmallow into six different bowls at once. Since I was the only person working on this, I had to pour the melted marshmallow into the six different bowls and then stir them individually. And anyone who has made Rice Krispie Treats before knows how quickly that mixture turns into glue when it cools. Simply put: my process of mixing one bowl at a time possibly contributed to the lowering of the Ease of Mixing score of each subsequent cereal. I tried to adjust for that, but you cannot do that accurately if you’ve never made cereal bars out of that type of cereal before.

There was also a large variety of cereals I did not test. But Holy shit. I tested 25 and you’re still not satisfied?! What the hell do you people want from me?

Conclusion

While 75% of my hypothesis lies bleeding in the dust, it is safe to say that, based on the factors I’ve outlined, Fruity Pebbles is the clear winner and best choice to make into cereal bars. However, I feel that it is important to note that one’s personal cereal preferences should be taken into account when deciding what cereal bars to make. And besides a few cereals that do not work as cereal bars, most cereals make descent cereal treats.

So what did you think about the results? Do you agree? Do you think I’m amazing? Are you going to start worshipping me as your new god? Do you think there was a flaw in my experiment/ scoring system? Well, fuck you Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. You know what, since you think you’re soooooo great, how about you try recreating this experiment?

Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Scientists usually repeat their experiment over and over again to ensure accurate findings. That is the only way to make sure that the outcome is correct, after all. So you all can do this experiment yourself and tag me in the results so I can take a big steamy dump all over your hard work, you ungrateful dicks.

Until then, I guess I’ll just be the world’s foremost leading expert on cereal treat bars.

Peace

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Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisitied!)- Part 3!!!

 

This section is long, so I’ll  get right to it. Here are parts one and two if you haven’t read them or need to be reminded of what happened. They are much shorter. Enjoy

Over the four days leading up to our coup of the Kardassian residence, not a single thing went as we hoped. Wait, that’s not true; Damien’s workouts were going perfectly. Damien was pushing us harder than he had ever done before, making himself resemble more of an overaggressive drill Sargent rather than a coach. But as for everything else: Shit went to hell fast. Our one potential lead on Kim’s ass, a blogger who once hated Kim Kardassian but suddenly became her biggest fan, was too mentally far gone to be of any real help, so Lady Smash and I had basically spent an entire day following a red herring, Jesse was still having issues with the Awesomebus!’s engine, Everett misplaced several of his tools, and Raul had disappeared. While searching the base for Raul, Lady Smash and I told the team about our meeting with the blogger and formulated our plan for the break-in.

By the ninth, the day our break in and overthrowing of Kim Kardassian was planned, we still had not found Raul. So while Jesse finished working on the Awesomebus!, the rest of the team did a sweep of the base and surrounding areas. Of course, Nut’n Fancy had to voice his opinions about it.

“I always said we shouldn’ trust Raul,” Nut’n Fancy reiterated for the 3,000th time, “I said that he’d hightail it outta here first chance he got.”

“His car’s still out front, Nut’n Fancy,” Everett said, “He couldn’t have gone anywhere without his car.”

“Except maybe Mae’s Woe,” GMZ noted. He then turned to me and asked, “Has anyone checked there yet?”

“Criss, Damien, Derren, Lady Smash, and Phlegm are searching the town right now. They haven’t found him yet. Do you have the keys to the jail cells?

“Hey guys!” Jessie exclaimed as we came back from checking the cells, “I got the Awesomebus! fixed! We’re ready to go now.

“We can’t, We still have to find Raul,” I told him.

“No, Minigan,” GMZ argued, “You do. The rest of the Kardashians will be leaving for Kim’s fake surprise party, and it took me all of the past three days making calls to make it work. If you screw this up, we won’t get another chance- mostly because I won’t do it again.”

I sighed, “Fine, let me get the rest of the team back here.”

I paged the team scouting for Raul in Mae’s Woe through our earpieces, and then Nut’n Fancy, Everett and I headed to the armory to gather up our weapons while Jesse went back down to the Awesomehangar! and GMZ made his way to the Watchtower. Slowly, the five team members made their way to the Awesomebase! and into the armory.

As the final member, Damien, walked in, he asked, “What’s happening? Why did we call off the search?”

“We need to go on our mission,” I answered, “We’ll resume the search when we get back.”

“But he’s been gone three days! He could be bleeding to death in a ditch somewhere!”

“Well,” Everett interjected, “If he has been bleeding in  ditch for three days, he’s probably already dead.”

We all stared at Everett.

“What?!” he cried, “I’m just stating the facts!”

“I still don’t think we should give up now,” Damien said, “Raul is one of us. He should be a priority.”

Just then, GMZ marched in and announced, “I’ll keep looking for him while you guys go fight Kim Kardassian. I’ll just watch all the security footage and find where he went.”

“You didn’t do that first?!” Lady Smash shouted.

“I’m sorry I was too preoccupied with putting this whole diversion together to do something anyone else on this team could have done,” GMZ snapped at her, “but now that I have the time, I can.”

“OK, so it’s settled,” I said, “GMZ will watch the security footage.” I turned to Damien and added, “Do you want to stay here and help him with that? You do seem pretty concerned for Raul.”

“No,” Damien replied in a defeated tone, “GMZ’s handling it. I’ll come along with you.”

With that, Team Pugnastics and Team Prevention separated and prepared themselves for their tasks ahead. Phlegm would be in charge of getting us into the Kardashian house and taking control of their security cameras.

About five minutes later, everyone heading out was suited up, armed, and ready to take down Kim Kardassian. We boarded the Awesomebus!, and Jesse drove us through the Awesomehangar!’s tunnel and onto the road. The trip to LA was a dull one. It was Everett’s turn to choose the music we listened to, so he chose “Run This Town” by Jay-Z, which prompted me to retell the time I nearly crashed through his window during our fight with Donald Trump.

We got to Kim Kardassian’s neighborhood around 9:00. The road was quiet but well lit. Jesse killed the engine, and we sat quietly, waiting for Phlegm to do her job. After a minute or so, the streetlights above us went out, followed by the rest of the street. Still sore from Damien’s damn workouts, we hobbled up the street with our 500 pounds of protective gear and weapons.

Keeping-Up-Kardashians-House

This is truly the entrance to Hell.

“Hurry,” I whispered to them, “Phlegm can’t leave the streetlights off for too long, otherwise the locals will get suspicious.”

“We know and we are,” Lady Smash grunted from behind me, “But it feels like someone pumped concrete into my muscles and is forcing me to run through sand.”

There was a murmur of agreement, as well as some well-placed curse words directed at Damien, but we continued down the street to the Kardashian house. We just made it to our target’s house as the streetlights came back on. I ducked around the corner, and with my team behind me, I snuck towards the back yard.

Pressing the button on my earpiece, I said, “Phlegm, we’re in position. Take out the security cameras now.”

There was the sound of a keyboard clicking on her end, then some unintelligible muttering between her, Derren, and GMZ. Finally she said, “It’s a go. All security systems are off line. But be careful. There still is a lot of camera crews around.”

I said, “Got it,” and then turned to my team and whispered, “Take anyone on the production team out with tranquilizer darts.” I threw my grappling hook over the wall and said, “Let’s go.”

I was the first one over the wall, and I fell flat on my face. I managed to roll myself out of the way just enough for Everett to fall behind me. I stifled a groan as I stood up and then pulled out my tranquilizer gun. Once the rest of the team was back on the ground, we fanned out around the pool and made our way to the house. My steps were deliberate and slow. I moved without a sound except steadily increasing heartbeat. It was dark in the backyard; there was no lights except the ones that came from in the pool, but I felt like I could see everything. My tongue tingled, I was so excited to take out Kim Kardassian. Wait- no. I was biting my tongue. Shit. Just as I stepped onto the patio and prepared to take Kim’s back door (pun very much intended), I heard a light “puft” and then a splash of a body falling in the water. I spun around. Criss and fallen into the pool, that fucking moron.

“Did you hear that?” A man’s voice said from inside.

“Shit, Criss, get out of the pool.” I whispered.

“He can’t,” Damien whispered back, “I accidentally shot him with a dart.”

“You bloody Moron!”

The back doors swung open and two grungy looking guys in t-shirts and shorts stepped out. They immediately saw Criss and ran to the pool. Lady Smash and I got each of them with a tranquilizer dart.

“Somebody get Criss out of the pool,” I commanded to my team.

Everett volunteered, and the rest of us snuck inside, with me in the lead. The first room we entered was the kitchen. Just about everything was white, except for the black and white checkerboard floor, the matching tea kettle, and the mirror like backsplash. Something felt off about the room. As I looked around, everything from the vase full of flowers to the pots and pans, to even the plates in the cabinets felt staged- nothing was out of place. It reminded me of a staged home in a housing development through which potential buyers could take a tour. As we crept into the equally pristine den (where a soaking wet Everett rejoined us), I yet again found no evidence that this house was lived in by these people. As Lady Smash thumbed through a pile of neatly stacked but otherwise untouched magazines with Kim Kardassian’s face on them, I could tell she was thinking the same thing.

It wasn’t until we entered the front hallway until we heard any voices at all. It was a woman’s voice… Kim’s voice. Something deep inside me rose up, making my heart race and my hands tremble.

“Minigan, are you OK?” Lady Smash whispered from across the hallway.

Everyone was looking at me. It was obvious that her voice alone still had an effect on me. I clenched my fist and took a couple deep breaths.  Get it together, Minigan, I thought to myself, You’re not going to fuck this up for the rest of the team. Get a hold of yourself, and block out thoughts of Kim’s ass.

I let out one long breath and replied, “I’m fine. Let’s do this.”

Don’t think about Kim’s ass.

We moved closer to the room where the Kim’s voice was coming from. Remembering the floorplans that GMZ gathered, it was coming from the room they used for their confessionals. When we got close enough that I could understand what she was saying, I knew I was right.

Don’t think about it. Do not think about Kim Kardassian’s ass.

“I cannot believe my family went to a party and didn’t invite me!” Kim’s voice cried in a betrayed tone.

Her ass, don’t think about it.

A man’s voice replied, “That was good, Kim. But let’s try it again, and this time sound more hurt. Remember, they didn’t even tell you they were going to a party. They just left you here. How does that make you feel?”

Her perfect, round, big ass. Don’t think about that ass…

“It makes me feel like I should crush them!” Kim yelled.

Crush them with that ass… stop thinking about that ass!

“Let’s work on this confessional first,”  the man said, “Then you can destroy your family.”

Don’t let the ass take control. Don’t let the ass take control. Don’t let the ass take control.

Damien, who was closest to the door, put his hand on the doorknob and looked to me. I gave him a nod, and he burst through the door. He immediately took out the two camera men with his tranquilizer gun. However, Kim jumped onto her chair and spun around to show us her ass. Damien, Everett, Nut’n Fancy, and I froze in place. I stared directly at those perfect orbs, and as I did I heard Billy D William’s voice in some distant corner of my head.

MBFW Miami Swim : Becca - Front Row

“Hey baby” I head it say from afar.

No.

“C’mon baby. You know you want to let me in.”

No. Go away. I don’t want you.

“Then why do you hear me at all?”

GET OUT OF MY HEAD, ASS!

“You don’t want to make this easy for me? Fine, baby, I’ll let myself in.”

Kim started to bounce her ass up and down, and suddenly there was nothing else besides her ass. No room, no camera equipment, no fellow members of Awesomesquad!, just that ass.

“That’s better,” The Ass said, “Didn’t you miss me?”

“Yes,” I replied, “It feels like a lifetime since we’ve been apart.”

I heard a small voice, coming from a woman, say “Ugh.”

The Ass paused. It was unpleased with that woman’s ugh.

“What’s wrong, you glorious buttocks?” I asked The Ass.

“You brought someone with you. A woman. I do not like her. Destroy her.”

“Are you sure you want me to destroy her?” I replied, “That must be Lady Smash, I could just get her to leave.”

“I can hear you, you hypnotized dipshits!” Lady Smash’s voice interjected.

“She is too much of a threat,” The Ass answered, “Destroy her, and we can be together forever.”

“Of course, I will destroy her.”

I turned away from The Ass and searched through the fog in the room to find Lady Smash. She had backed into a corner. I pulled out a knife from my pocket.

“Guys,” the evil Lady Smash pleaded, “Listen to me. You’re all being hypnotized by Kim Kardassian. You need to fight it.”

“I would rather fight you,” some unimportant voice said from somewhere else in the room.

Lady Smash scowled, “So be it.”

In an instant, Lady Smash had grabbed the back of my head and smashed my face into the wall. I crumpled down into the corner with a dull pain spreading across my face. She ran out of the room. I dove after her and missed, and several other people chased after as I scrambled back to my feet.

I ran out of the confession room, my face wet with what I assumed was blood from my nose, and followed the sounds of Lady Smash and the other people to the kitchen. I unsheathed a knife I found on my vest and stepped into the kitchen. Lady Smash was backed into a corner of the kitchen, on the other side of the island, with Nut’n Fancy and Damien on one side, and Everett on the other.

The Beautiful and Glorious Ass commanded, “Attack her all at once, baby. She can’t fight you at the same time.

The four of us took a step towards her. She grabbed a frying pan from its hook over the stove, and swung it at Everett. He dodged it, but it caught Nut’n Fancy in the jaw. Nut’n fancy spun around, and fell to the floor, and then Lady Smash kicked the distracted Everett in the chest. Damien and I charged together at Lady Smash, who dove headfirst over the kitchen island. She stumbled to her feet and ran into the living room, yelling something unimportant to someone that wasn’t there. We followed her, knives drawn. The Glorious Ass had removed itself from the battle, thankfully.

Lady Smash overturned the couch and the chairs, before fleeing the room. This didn’t slow Damien, and slowed Everett and I only slightly. We chased the vile woman into the den. She had two guns drawn, one looked like a Taser, and was continuing to babble to someone.

“I know how to finish this,” Nut’n Fancy announced with a smirk.

Lady Smash’s evil eyes grew wide as Nut’n Fancy unholstered his gun. There was a “pamf” and Nut’n fancy fell stumbled to the ground with a dart in his neck.

“One down,” Lady Smash said, “Minigan, please don’t make me beat the shit out of all of you.”

Damien roared and charged at Lady Smash. She tagged him with her Taser, and he fell into a convulsing heap on the floor. While she was distracted by Damien, I charged at her. She dodged my knife swipe at the last second, but I did manage to slice at her arm. There was a spurt of blood, and an accompanying “Motherfucker!” from Lady Smash before she spun kicked me into the wall. My head smacked against the modern fireplace, and I fell to the ground.

Suddenly, there were a lot of new voices in my head. Familiar voices. They were calling for me.

“Minigan?!” Do you hear me?” The voice then mumbled to someone else, “Do you think he lost his earpiece?”

“His mind is being controlled by Kim’s fat ass, GMZ” a woman replied, “He can’t hear you.”

“I can now,” my mouth managed to speak, “Lady Smash, keep doing that. It’s working.”

“Hey baby. Don’t talk to her. She’s evil.” The Ass said in my ear.”

“It’s taking ahold again, Smash,” my voice managed to say, “Keep doing it.”

“Doing what?!”

The voices were gone. All that remained was the soothing, sensual voice of The Ass. The Ass was my world again, 1,000 times and 1,000 times more. I climbed back to my feet. With my knife in hand, I charged at her again. I jabbed and slashed at Lady Smash’s stupid, evil face, but she was just nimble enough to avoid getting cut. She grabbed a lamp off of an end table and hurled it at me. I dodged it, and the shattering glass was accompanied by a heavy thump behind me.

“Do something!” Lady Smash yelled to me.

“I’m about to,” I replied.

I reached into my cloak and found Justice Stick. I tugged on the pole and it came sliding out of its pocket. I aimed the blade Lady Smash’s throat and took a step forward. Then, I was airborne.

With the force of a truck, something plowed into me and threw Everett, Nut’n Fancy, and myself into the wall. When I climbed out from the other two I saw that magical douchebag Criss standing between Lady Smash and me, dripping wet with his arm outstretched and his palm flat. I scrambled to my feet, managed to yell something like, “Magical motherfucker!”  and dove headfirst into the invisible wall between us.

Once again, the other voices in my head were back. My surroundings were clearer, and the looks on both Lady Smash and Criss’s faces were of both shock and fear. My head throbbed, and the copper taste of blood lingered in my mouth.

“Criss, Smash!” I yelled, “Keep hitting us on the head. It’s the only way to knock us out of it!”

“You don’t need to yell, dick, we’re right here,” Lady Smash retorted.

“Well, I’m glad I didn’t cut off your sass when I cut you. But seriously, sorry about that,” I said back.

“YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!”

“Only because he was hypnotized by Kim Kardassian,” GMZ’s voice interjected over our earpieces.

I climbed to my knees and put my hands on the invisible wall. I looked into Lady Smash’s eyes. The fear was still there.

“Listen to me,” I said to Lady Smash, “You’re going to have to knock the thoughts out of us. It’s the only waaa-“

Nut’n Fancy grabbed me by the throat, and with more strength than I expected from him, threw me against the wall.  Sharm pain shot through my chest and back as I fell onto an end table and then onto the ground. When I looked up, Nut’n Fancy and Everett were clawing at the invisible wall. And then Kim Kardassian stepped into the room. Almost immediately, the other voices started to recede, and The Ass’s voice began to resurface.

 

Derren, who’s voice was grew more and more distant with each word, called to me, “Fight it! You must decide you don’t want to be hypnotized!”

“Don’t listen to him, baby. I’m all you’ll ever need. Everyone else is a distraction.”

Another voice rang out in my head. It was even smaller than Derren’s but even under The Ass’s influence, I knew whose voice it was. Mine. Remember Lady Smash, Minigan, I said to myself, You will not hurt her again. Or Criss, or the rest of the team. You will fight this ass.

Kim Kardashian 3- Censored

“No.” I blurted out, “You will not hypnotize me anymore!”

And with that, The Ass’s Billy D Williams voice was gone. I stood up, looked to Kim Kardassian, and raised a single middle finger. She glared at me, and, without speaking a word to them, Nut’n Fancy and Everett stopped clawing at the invisible wall and turned to me.

Everett lit the burner on his flame throwers and swung the column of fire at me. I dodged it, barely. I ducked down and spun away from him, my face still catching some of the heat from the flame. Deafening shots rang out. The bullets from Nut’n Fancy’s gun bounced of the back of my cloak and clattered on the floor. The gun fire stopped- he was out of bullets. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the end table that I fell on by the legs, swung around, and broke it across Nut’n Fancy’s face as he reloaded his gun. He fell to the floor, let out a weak groan, and began clutching his head.

I turned to Everett, who had lit his flamethrower again and aimed the plume directly at my face. I high kicked, and managed to chatter the butane tube of Everett’s wrist, killing the fire. Everett then came at me swinging, but I flipped him over my head and dropped him behind me. I dropped on top of him and started smacking his head with the closest end table leg I could reach. One hard blow on the top of his skull ended Everett’s fighting, and left him groaning in pain. I grabbed him by the face, and made him look at me.

“Say that you don’t want to be hypnotized,” I commanded.

“Wha?”

“I said, Say that you don’t want to be hypnotized, otherwise I’m going to slam your head into the floor until your skull cracks!”

Everett cried, “I don’t want to be hypnotized!”

Suddenly his eyes grew wide and he let out a gasp.

“Yeah,” I replied, “ I know.” I looked to Nut’n Fancy, who was fumbling around on the ground, and asked, “Say it too, Nut’n Fancy or I’m going to clobber you just like did Everett.”

“I don’t wanna to be hypnotized no more,” Nut’n Fancy stated.

I climbed to my feet, and then pulled Everett and Nut’n Fancy to theirs. They rubbed the lumps forming on their heads, but otherwise they seemed fine. I looked around. Kim Kardassian was long gone. I stepped up to the barrier between us and Criss and Lady Smash.

“You can let us out now,” I said to Criss, “I think we have it under control.”

Criss and Lady Smash exchanged apprehensive glances, but Criss finally lowered his arm. The three of us walked through what was once Criss’s invisible barrier.

“Nice job holding us of off, Lady Sma-“

She punched me hard in the nose, making it gush blood again.

“Jesus Christ the kung fu master! I said I was sorry!”

“Stop use’n The Lord’s name in vain!”

“Well,” Lady Smash replied in an even tone, “We at least know the two of you are back to normal.”

“Guys,” Everett interjected, “Where’s Damien?”

Shit.

Together, the five of us left the den to look for our rogue teammate. We took silent steps- well, as silent as we could with Criss’s wet boots making a splosh sound with each step. We stepped (and Criss sploshed) back into the kitchen. The pristine kitchen was dark and silent. There was no trace of either Kim Kardassian nor Damien.

“Do you think he left with her?” Lady Smash asked in a whisper.

“I’m not sure,” I answered.

“Cause that would be a great twist if he really went rogue and officially teamed up with a villain and we had to defeat him.”

“But that would suck for us.”

I peered around the room, and my eyes fell on the only closed door. The pantry.

“It would make this story really interesting, though,” Criss added.

“What story?”

“Our story. Of what we’re doing. I’m breaking the fourth wall.”

“Well stop. It’s weird. Plus this is real life not some story,” I retorted.

“You’re right. Plus, the plot is vague at best.”

I shushed him and pointed to the pantry door. Everyone nodded, and we all crept to the door. I held my breath, listening for any sound of life from behind that door. Everything was still. I glanced back at my team, who were eyeing the door and clutching their weapons in anticipation, and I reached for the doorknob.

“Shit!”

The five of us let out a scream of shock.

“What, GMZ, What?!” I cried.

I turned away from the door, just a few degrees, and Damien burst through and tackled me. With little effort at all, he pinned me to the ground with his knees and held his knife high above me. In one fluid motion, Lady Smash swung her frying pan and smacked Damien across the face with it, knocking him out and off of me. Nut’n Fancy and Everett pulled me back to my feet as I screamed into my earpiece.

“What the fuck is so important that you had to interrupt us like that, GMZ?! I could have been killed!”

“I know who did it?!”

“Did what?”

“Everything!” GMZ replied, “The multiple Awesomebus! problems, Everett’s missing tools, it was all Damien! He tampered with the bus, and stole the tools off Everett’s desk.”

“Lady Smash,” I asked, turning to her, “Did you make sure that you knocked Damien out when we were watching Keeping up With The Kardashians?”

“Yeah,” she replied, uncertain, “I mean I think so. I thought the Taser did the trick.”

Damien stood up behind her with a furious look on his non-bashed half of his face.

“Smash! Look out!” I cried.

Just as Damien went to stab her, Lady Smash spun around and beamed Damien on the same side she had done just a moment before. He crashed down to the floor and clutched his face.

“Shit!” Lady Smash said with a quick laugh to the writhing bald man, “Damien, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.”

“Bloody Hell, Smash!” Damien cried.

“Sorry, Damien,” Lady Smash replied in a tone that said she wasn’t sorry at all, “But I guess you could say I’m skilleted in hand to hand combat.”

The other five of us groaned at the pun, but Lady Smash ignored it.

Criss and I helped Damien up, and the six of us trudged out the front door and back down the street to the Awesomebus!. When we got there, Jesse was humming some imaginary tune and drumming on the steering wheel. Within a second of seeing us, his expression turned from excitement to horror.”

“What happened in there?!”

“Kim Kardassian’s ass was too strong for their feeble minds,” Lady Smash answered, “So Criss and I had to set them straight.”

“And why is Criss wet?”

“A certain British teammember of ours was hypnotized this entire time, and he took me out with a tranquilizer dart,” Criss answered.

“Damien,” Jesse asked, “I’m guessing that was you?”

“No shit, Jesse.”

“OK!” Jesse added with a laugh, “Let’s get back to the base.”

Jesse started up the bus, and we drove out of West Hollywood and out of L.A. The music was turned off, and everyone sat in silence and tended to their wounds themselves. I saw that Lady Smash was struggling with putting butterfly bandages on the cut I gave her, so I went to help. She pulled back at first, eyeing me suspiciously, but then she sighed and showed me her arm. We sat quietly as I put each of the bandages on her arm.

As I put on the final bandage, I said, “I really am sorry about cutting you like that.”

Lady Smash replied with a sigh, “I know. It was Kardassian’s fault. She is just too powerful… I mean, not for me, I easily overcame the ass. But for you guys? She is quite the formidable opponent.”

Thankfully, just then, Team Prevention interrupted Lady Smash’s self-congratulatory speech over the bus’s speakers.

“Hey everyone,” Phlegm said, “We’ve scoured the tapes looking for any sign of Raul, and we cannot find him. The last thing we see of him is him leaving the Awesomebase! and stepping out of sight of the cameras.”

“I know where he went,” Damien interrupted, removing the ice from his beaten face.“He went into the woods to build a marker for Kim Kardassian.”

“So she would know where to find us!” Everett exclaimed, his eyes wide at the revelation.

“Jesse,” I commanded, “Get us back to the Awesomebase! as soon as possible.

“Sure thing, Boss!”

We got back to the base sometime in the middle of the night, and everyone other than Lady Smash looked far worse than before we got on. I my skin was pale and my face was caked with dried blood, Everett and Nut’n Fancy were sporting several large goose eggs on their heads as well as  a few bruises to their face. Everett was limping. I think getting thrown into the wall by Criss’s magic may have sprained his ankle. But Damien was by far the worst. He looked like if Two-Face from Batman and an orc had angry tequila sex and had a mutant Halfling baby. The one side of his face was almost completely black and blue, and it had swollen up so much that his eye was forced shut.

We met up with team prevention, and everyone followed Damien into the woods, flashlights drawn, down our old sexual walkabout trail- turned obstacle course (yes, we did keep the signs up) to the clearing were we used to keep the Awesomecopter! Damien stopped at the edge of the clearing, but I walked past him to get a better view. Then, without warning, I ran out of ground. Damien managed to grab hold of me around my chest as I dangled over a deep hole that wasn’t there before. When I stopped looking the ground  several feet below me, I saw what Raul had built. Two giant, round, perfectly identical mounds of dirt, at least forty feet tall, sat in the center of the clearing.  On top of one of the mounds was Raul. He was crouching down, and it looked like he was stroking the mound.

“It’s a giant butt,” Nut’n Fancy said in awe.

“It’s Kim’s giant butt,” GMZ added.

Earth Mound

It’s glorious.

Damien let me down first, and then everyone except Everett jumped down after me, and we made our way out of the giant ditch and up the mound to Raul. Nut’n Fancy and Criss managed to subdue him without much of a fight.

“Ok,” I said, “Who wants to beat the hypnosis out of him?”

“Not me,” Lady Smash replied, “I think I’ve beaten him up enough for one year.”

“No one has to beat him up, you bloody savages!” Derren yelled, “I can pull him out of the hypnosis without violence.” “Come, Criss,” he added as he started to walk back to the path, “Bring him back to the base and I’ll fix him.”

Once they made it up the ledge and back onto the path with Everett, I looked to my team and said, “I think taking the giant ass monument can be left for tomorrow, what do you think?”

My team murmured in agreement, and we all made our way back to the base to get some much-needed recovery sleep.

Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisited!)- Part 2!!

Hey everyone, this is a continuation of last week’s post, so if you didn’t read that one, catch up here. Otherwise, let’s continue.

Kim Kardassian

*****

“Did you kill him?”

“Of course I didn’t kill him.”

“Because it kind of looks like you killed him.”

“I didn’t kill him”

“He does kinda look like he’s dead.”

“He’s not dead!”

“Did you check his pulse?”

“No.”

“Then I guess you don’t know if he’s dead or not, now do you?”

“He’s not dead!”

“Who’s dead?” I mumbled.

“Oh good, he’s waking up,” I heard Lady Smash say.

“You’re dead,” Derren’s voice answered.

“Hey guys!” Jessie’s voice exclaimed, “Who killed Minigan?”

“Shut up, Jessie,” I snapped.

“See, he’s totally not dead,” Lady Smash confirmed.

I opened my eyes and found Jessie, Lady Smash, Phlegm, Criss, and Derren looking down on me. We were in my room. My head pulsed with pain. I tried to rub it, but I couldn’t move my hands. I looked to them and found that I had been bound to my bed with hot pink, fuzzy handcuffs.

“In case you tried to do anything stupid again,” Lady Smash explained as I pulled on the handcuffs.

“OK, well you can let me go now,” I replied.

“No can do,” Phlegm told me, “The last time we tried that, you tried to molest the TV.”

Damien, GMZ, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy walked into my room, each one holding their head and looking nauseous.

“And why didn’t you tie them to their beds?!” I cried.

“Because they weren’t trying to molest the TV,” Derren quipped.

“What happened, anyway?” Everett asked, “All I remember is watching TV, being interrupted and then thrown into the air.”

“I’ll tell you what happened,” Lady Smash snapped, “You all were so drawn into the cultural black hole that is ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that you didn’t even hear Phlegm and I come in. To get your attention, I turned off the TV. You all went bezerk, except for Derren and Criss, both of whom are not lousy pervs with poor taste.”

“Wow,” Jessie blurted.

“Yeah,” Phlegm replied, “I always figured Criss to be the most unapologetically perverted one in the group.”

“Hey!”

“Oh, please,” Lady Smash scoffed at Criss, “You always go for the hottest chick to help you preform your magic tricks.”

I began, “That’s weird-”

“I know!” Lady Smash interjected, “Who uses magic to pick up women?”

Criss Angel Trick

Criss, seen here seducing the women in the crowd with his magic.

“No, I meant it’s weird that the only reason we started watching in the first place is because GMZ had freaked out on me for interrupting him.“

“OK, so we pinpointed our patient zero,” Phlegm noted, “But we still don’t know why the show turned you all into drooling morons.”

Still strapped to the bed, I rested my head back on the pillow and recalled what happened before I woke up chained to my bed with kink handcuffs. The Ass. Its image was standing out clearly in my head, and it’s voice (which sounded a lot like Billy D. Williams) echoed in my mind clear enough that it could have been talking into my ear. I heard the echo repeat in its sexy, smooth voice “…You must stop them, even if it means killing them…” I opened my eyes again and gasped.

“Kim Kardashian’s ass! That’s what drew me in!” I exclaimed as I struggled against the restraints, “Her ass must have the ability to hypnotize people!”

“No,” Lady Smash said in a matter-o-factly tone, “You’re just a dirty pervert.”

With a condescending laugh, Damien added, “She’s right, Minigan, Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t hypnotic. Obviously, that’s ridiculous. There has to be a more rational explanation. Maybe we ate something that had a weird effect on us.”

“Like what?” Derren asked, “Only GMZ ate the brownies, and Lady Smash was the one to make those.”

Everett added, “Yeah, unless Lady Smash put LSD or hallucinogenic mushrooms into all of our food, I doubt what we ate was the cause.”

“All I’m saying is that we should not start a crusade against the Kardashians just because we were acting a little weird,” Damien replied.

“A little weird?!” Phlegm cried. “All of you went bezerk.”

Lady Smash nodded, “Damien, dude, I love it that we are usually on the same side of arguments, but I think you should probably sit this one out because you’re not helping our side at all.”

“Ok,” Damien admitted, “Maybe we did get out of hand, but I still don’t think we were hypnotized my Kim Kardashian’s ass.”

“Where the hell were you when this happened, Damien?” I asked, “Did you not hear Billy D. William’s voice come out of her ass?”

Damien didn’t answer, but Lady Smash looked to Phlegm and then down to me. “OK, You guys are just fucking with us now, right?”

“Can someone please un cuff me from my bed?” I requested, ignoring Lady Smash’s question. I then asked, “And why did you guys use fuzzy handcuffs?”

“They were the only ones we had here,” Phlegm answered as she freed my ankles from their restraints.

“And who had sex handcuffs here?” Criss queried.

Phlegm and Lady Smash looked to a red faced Everett who threw up his hands and cried, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Once Phlegm had freed my last wrist, I sat up and replied, “I think we need to talk about it.”

“Minigan,” Derren interrupted, “What do you want to do about Kim Kardashian?”

“Wait,” Lady Smash interjected, “You and Criss weren’t acting ‘hypnotized.’ Why do you believe this crap?”

“It didn’t happen to Criss and myself is because we both know how to hypnotize others, which makes it impossible to be hypnotized.”

“So you believe that the Kardashians are harboring a woman with magical ass powers?”

“More like Kardassians,” GMZ quipped.

“Good one, GMZ,” I replied, “Let’s all call her that when we go fight her.”

Lady Smash pinched the bridge of her nose and requested, “Can’t we at least vote on it?”

“Sure,” I replied, “Whoever thinks that Kim Kardassian really does have a hypnotic ass raise your hand.”

Everett, GMZ, Criss, Derren, Nut’n Fancy, and myself raised our hands.

“And whoever thinks that literally any explanation other than ‘Kim K’s ass is magic’ is a better one, raise your hand.”

Phlegm, Jessie, and Damien raised their hands with Lady Smash. She counted the raised hands and scowled at me.

I smiled back at her and announced to my group, “Well, it looks like we’re fighting Kim Kardassian. Everyone get ready.” I instructed GMZ to find the address of the Kardashian house, and to send the rest of the Kardashian Klan across town to what they think is surprise party for Kim.

“What should the reason be?” GMZ asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied impatiently, “To celebrate Kim’s acting debut, or maybe she won some award, or maybe even it’s a party to celebrate Kim simply to remind the rest of the family who the important one is. Any stupid explanation will do. These people are reality TV stars; they’re accustomed to being in terrible story lines.”

GMZ nodded and left, but the rest of my team waited behind.

“Can’t we please talk about this a little more? You’re doing the same bloody thing you did with Trump,” Damien pointed out.

“We put it to a vote, Damien,” I reminded him, “See, that’s how a democracy works: People vote, and the winners of that vote decide what’s going to happen. I know that this concept must be difficult for you to grasp, since you live under the rule of the Queen and all.”

“We’ve had a democratically elected Parliament for the past 208 years, asswipe,” Damien snapped.

“It would be much easier if we had literally any more information,” Lady Smash explained, “Like, how is Kim Kardashian’s ass hypnotizing people, or if it has other powers, like the ability to create clouds and thunder, or possibly if it could shoot deadly missiles.”

kim kardashian ass 1- censored

It’s probably best if we didn’t take any chances.

“Hey that’s a good idea,” I replied, “Theoretically, it could have some more mind manipulating- Wait, are you being serious, or did you just make a make a poop and fart joke.”

“I did. But that first part was totally serious.”

“It couldn’t hurt going into this fight a little better informed,” Everett added.

The others murmured in agreement.

“Fine,” I yielded, “We’ll prepare for the next four days. We’ll gather up intel on Kim, her family, and her ass, but we’ll have to do this the right way. Damien, Go up and tell GMZ to schedule the party for four days from tonight. Then plan out some cardio workouts for tonight to make sure we’re all in good enough shape to fight.”

Rather grumpily, he replied with a simple, “Fine,” and exited my room.

I turned to my two female teammates and said, “Lady Smash and Phlegm, since the ass has no effect on you, go up to the Watch Tower and find out what ever you can about it.” I turned to Derren and Criss and continued, “I’ll need you two to watch as much of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ as you can. We won’t be able to get a blueprint of their house without a permit or breaking into where ever those are kept, but we can learn enough about the layout from the show. Also look for any weaknesses she might have. Everett and Nut’n Fancy, do some research on friends and the rest of the family. Go back through the family tree. Look for anything that might be relevant. Also look into Bruce Jenner’s family. I don’t trust that face.”

“What do you want me to do, Boss?” Jessie asked in an upbeat tone. Despite having voted against the the idea that Kim Kardashian’s ass is hypnotic, he still seemed excited to go on any adventure at all.

“Do a walk through maintenance inspection on the Awesomecopter!,” I answered, “And try to make it as quiet as possible. We’ll be in a residential neighborhood, so we’ll need to keep it quiet.”

“You know that the Awesomecopter! is a helicopter, right?” He asked me, “I can’t just make it silent.”

“Fine,” I replied, “Do something to make the Awesomebus! quieter and more inconspicuous.”

He nodded and left, as did the rest of the team to carry out their various tasks.  I stood up from my bed, paced across my room, and began brainstorming how we were going to break into the Kardashian residence.

Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisited!)

Hi Everyone! I know it has been almost a year since I posted anything, and even longer since I posted anything book related, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. I started a new magazine with my boyfriend (check it out here), so I’ve been primarily busy writing the articles for that, and I have been working on my book, just nothing that you’ll see here. I did, however, finish the battle between Kim Kardassian and our gang of lovable idiots.

For those who have never read an Awesomesquad! post of mine before, welcome! This should be exciting for you. You’ll probably want some background info, whether you’re new or just need a refresher, so check this page out. It will give you the information you need about the team.

Other than that, enjoy!

Kim Kardassian

*****

It was about a month after I introduced Phlegm to the team before we had any celebrity fighting mission. I actually remember the date- September fifth. The date itself isn’t all that important; I’m just impressed that I remembered it.

Anyway, the guy installing our Satellite TV service had just left, and Derren, GMZ, Criss, and myself were changing back out of our cult garb. Damein, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy were out in the woods surrounding the Awesomebase!, building our obstacle course. Jessie was in the Awesomehangar! working on the Awesomecopter!, and Phlegm and Lady Smash were out buying supplies. Feeling that yet another day would be ending early for me, I headed up to the kitchen to gather up some brownies Lady Smash had baked, and then catch up on some TV. However, when I got to the Great Room, I found that the TV and the brownies had already been claimed by GMZ.

As I approached, I noticed something off. He stared at the TV, his expression blank, and he was barely holding onto the half-eaten brownie in his hand. I watched him for a few seconds, expecting him to snap out of it. He did not.

“Hey, GMZ,” I called to him.

I got no response. I repeated myself, but still didn’t even get a murmur from him.

“LISTEN UP, YOU LOUSY SACK OF DISGARDED LLAMA PLACENTA!” I yelled.

When he didn’t answer to that, I marched towards him, grumbling, and nudged the side of his head. He toppled over, but he snapped out of it.

He jumped back to his feet, his face scrunched up and red with anger, and screamed, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT ALL I WAS DOING WAS WATCHING TV WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!”

“Whoa,” I cried as I dodged his swinging fist, “Calm down. I was just trying to get your attention.”

“CALM DOWN?! NO I WON’T CALM DOWN!!” He took another couple swings at me, which I batted off. He then yelled in my face, “YOU ATTACK ME AND THEN SAY I NEED TO CALM DOWN.”

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Derren asked as he and Criss rushed into the room. Raul came running into the room from the lab, holding a mop in one hand and a scalpel in the other.

GMZ cried, “I was just watching TV when this psychopath attacked me!”

“I nudged you!” I retorted, “And I only did that because you weren’t answering me!”

“Both of you, calm down,” Derren commanded. He then looked to GMZ and said, “Tell me what happened.”

Damien, Nut’n Fancy, and Everett entered the Great room just as GMZ started his story. GMZ told Derren how he was sitting quietly watching TV and eating a brownie, when I, in a jealous rage, stormed into the Great Room and began beating him over the head. Derren nodded and asked me to tell my side of the story. I explained to him what really happened, and while I did, Derren didn’t take his eyes of me.

Once I was finished telling my side of the story, Derren stood quietly for a couple of long seconds, and announced, “I think they’re both telling the truth.”

“What?!” GMZ roared.

Derren clarified, “I don’t think Minigan actually attacked you, GMZ. None of his body language is coming off as if he’s lying. But I think that you believe that he attacked you, because other than you being livid right now, your body language is saying the same thing.”

“No!” GMZ cried, “He did attack me. He’s just jealous of my relationship with her!”

“With whom?” Derren asked.

“With her!” GMZ shouted as he pointed at the TV screen. The six other men rushed around the couch to get a good look at whom GMZ was pointing.

I looked down to see a towering, vaguely humanoid creature stomping around in the yard. Judging by its surroundings, I figured the beast had to be at least ten feet tall. I could only assume it was a woman by its hair and clothing.

“That mountain giant?” I asked.

“No, not Khloé,” GMZ snapped at me, “Her.”

khloe Kardashian

AAahhh!

 

 

What came onto screen next made me gasp. An ass- but not just any ass- a perfect ass. It was big but toned, round but perky. It was like someone had stuck two balloons under a skimpy red dress. I could not look away. Even the rest of the body attached to the beautiful ass was amazing, but my focus kept getting pulled back to that butt. It was like it was speaking directly to me. And then, it did.

“Minigan, baby,” The ass cooed at me, its rich, smooth chocolaty voice making love to my eardrums, “Just sit down and look at me. I’ll take care of everything you need.”

I believed this ass. I believed it would take care of me. In only that brief amount of time since I had met it, I had never felt anything as strong as the love I felt for it. Even after those few short moments together, it had become more than just my world, it became the whole reason I exist. The answers to all of life’s greatest mysteries were nestled between those firm, cushiony butt cheeks, and I was sure it wanted to confide in me, so I obeyed it.

“I will do anything to make you happy” I heard my self say. I think I heard other people say it too, but they didn’t matter. They were so far away, and their voices were so small, that I knew that they weren’t talking to the stunning ass I had said it too. In fact, not a single thing those voices mattered. The only thing that was important to me anymore was keeping that ass happy.

The Ass replied in it’s deep, seductive voice, “Good. Now, what I want you to do is to send me all the money you have. I need it to make myself look good for you. You’re so handsome and muscular. I want to be the best that I can be for you.”

“What’s going on here?” I heard a faint woman’s voice say. I didn’t answer.

“Hey, guys, what’s wrong?” Another woman, this one just as uninteresting as the first, asked.

“Baby,” The Ass warned, “Two jealous she-devils are trying to keep us apart. They are here now. You must stop them, even if it means killing them. Do it, for uh-“

The world went black, and suddenly, I was thrown into a cruel, hideous world where the Ass was no longer present. In front of me were the two she-devils I was warned about: Lady Smash and Phlegm. The Betrayers! I thought, I bring them onto my team, and they take the love of my life away from me?!

I and several of the men around me screamed at them both. I was in such a mindless rage, that I cannot remember what I, or the rest of them, said, but I do remember screaming to the point where drool was running out of the side of my mouth. Looks of fear were carved onto Lady Smash and Phlegm’s faces, which only made us angrier. I lunged at Lady Smash, who dodged me, threw me to the ground, and drove her boney knee into my spine.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” She yelled, the anger in her voice barely covering up the fear.

“You took The Ass away from me!” I managed to sputter out with what little air my lungs were getting.

“What?!” She, Phlegm, Criss and Derren cried.

I was starting to get a better sense of my surroundings. At the edge of my peripheral vision, I could see forms floating somewhere above Lady Smash’s head. They were the bodies of Damien and Nut’n Fancy.

“What the hell is Minigan Talking about Derren?” Phlegm asked.

“I don’t know. We were just watching ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ when they all went into some bizarre trance.”

Lady Smash grunted and replied, “Why were you watching that garbage anyway?”

“GMZ said that he was in love with someone on there, and he was trying to show us who,” Criss answered.

“Lady Smash,” I gasped, as I squirmed under her knee, “Could you ease up a little bit? I’m sorry I tried to attack you. I’m better now.”

She warned me, “If you try to attack any of us, I’m going to tase the figurative and literal shit out of you.”

“I promise I won’t,” I said with sincerity.

She released her knee from my spine, and immediately I scurried on my hands and knees to the TV and turned it back on. After an entire lifetime crammed into a single second, The Ass returned to me.

“Minigan, baby,” it cooed seductively, “I missed you.”

 

The voice wafted out of The Ass and into my ears, assuring me that it would take care of me, and I was lost to it again.

Kim Kardashian 1-censored

I tried to reach for it, just to touch it and let it know that I was real and there for it, but it vanished and I felt a wave of burning pain crash through my muscles. I tried to scream, but my jaw, vocal chords, lungs, and brain stopped working. My arms and legs twitched as the Great room came back into view. Lady Smash, Phlegm, Derren, and Criss were standing over me, and a pair of wires lead from somewhere in my chest to Lady Smash’s Taser. Then, everything went black.

An Adventure in the World of WTF

OK, so I honestly have no idea what this story is about, let alone named, so let’s just say the title of this blog post is the working title. Also, sorry this is so long. But to be fair, if you’ve read anything of mine before, you should have expected it to be that way. If you’re new to my blog, Welcome! This is going to be the weirdest shit that you’ve ever experienced. Enjoy.

~~~

I sat down on the toilet and commenced my daily routine of relieving myself of bodily waste. Just as I finished releasing the first fudge basilisk into the icy toilet water, I felt a sudden, sharp pain inside my ass.

“Fucking Arby’s” I grumbled as I strained to release whatever diabolical creation their food formed inside my digestive tract.

My butthole released a small fart, and then my whole body started shaking. And I don’t mean that I began to convulse or that my hands became unsteady, I mean every inch of my body began to vibrate. From somewhere inside my gut, a 40 foot long steel girder shook me from the inside out. The girder rocketed out of my asshole and into the toilet, the force of which sent me flying off of the seat and into the corner of the wall and the ceiling.

Somehow, I managed to slide down the wall with my face until it was wedged in the corner of the floor and wall, and my ass in the air.

I turned my head as best I could, and found that it wasn’t a steel girder erupting from my butt, it was a rainbow.

“Nope,” I grunted, “this isn’t from Arby’s. This is definitely Chic-Fil-A’s doing.”

If Chic-Fil-A isn't ruining your heart, it's making you shoot rainbows out of your ass.

If Chic-Fil-A isn’t ruining your heart, it’s making you shoot rainbows out of your ass.

The colors of the shit rainbow pooled at the ceiling, each growing denser and denser, until the pressure from the light blasted the entire roof off of my house. Once the shit rainbow had finished erupting out of my asshole, and I realized that I was not only alive, but feeling better, I climbed out from under the rainbow. The arch stretched up into the blue sky and vanished around the top. All along the rainbow were smatterings of my shit. I stared up, both dumbfounded and agast at what my butthole had produced and what that creation had done to my house. Then, at the top of the rainbow, a glimmering, white object appeared and ran down the leg. It was a horse. As it got closer and I could see it in better detail, I saw a single horn on its head and its tail and main colored like a rainbow. It was a unicorn.

“What the fuck?”

“Hey, dawg,” The unicorn said do me once it reached my bathroom, “Yo, listen, my name is Loquacious, an’ I need you to climb up on my back and come with me.”

“What the fuck?!” I repeated

“Listen fool!” The magical horse screamed at me, “Ya’ll need to listen to me and listen good, ya herr? Ya’ll need to come wit me back to my world. We got a job that only you can help us wit.”

With my pants still around my ankles, I replied in an even tone, “I would love to travel up the rainbow that just shot from my ass, but I have some shit I have to deal with right now.” Then, pointing to the toilet and where my roof used to be, I added, “both literal and figurative.”

“We ain’t got time for that, bitch, we gots to go now!”

“Holy shit, what did you just sa-AAHHH!” I began before the Unicorn scooped me up with is head (my buttcheeks being cradled by his horn) and threw me onto his back.

He sprinted  back up the rainbow as I held on to his body and screamed in fear. The unicorn bounded up the arch, dodging my shit clumps all the while with graceful leaps. Within seconds, we were hundreds of feet above my neighborhood, coming up to the curve of the rainbow. Then, I remembered about how the rainbow ended.

I stopped screaming, and asked Loquacious, “What happens at the end of the rainbow?”

“We jump!” He replied merrily. Then in a firm tone he added, “But you gotta think happy thoughts or we’ll just fall back to your world.”

“How the Hell am I supposed to think happy thoughts with this shit happening?!”

“I dunno, dawg. Focus or some shit.”

We crested the curve. The end of the rainbow was only a football field or so away. Fuck. I closed my eyes and concentrated. Think happy thoughts. I told myself. What are the things that make me happy? Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes- Gah! Fuck Julie Andrews!

"Do you see? Do you see all the fucks I give about your opinion of me?" -Julie Andrews

“Do you see? Do you see all the fucks I give about your opinion of me?”
-Julie Andrews

I could feel Loquacious’s body tense up, and then feel my own go weightless. Stupidly, I opened my eyes for long enough to see the pimple sized houses of my neighborhood scroll beneath us.

“FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!” I screamed before clamping my eyes shut again.

I was weightless for only a moment or two, but for those brief moments I wondered what poor life decisions I made that lead me to this moment.  Was this karmic justice for all the shitty things I’ve put my friends through? Did I just take a Mexican Cartel’s worth of drugs? Was God just being kind of a dick today? I decided it was probably the last one.

We hit the ground-actually, no, we didn’t hit the ground. We landed lightly on what I guessed by the sound was a soft patch of grass. I kept my eyes closed and my body wrapped tightly around the horse.

“Yo, get off me fool. We’re here.” Loquacious stated.

I opened my eyes and they were immediately assaulted with vibrant color. I threw up right on the patch of technicolor green grass. To be honest, I wasn’t sure whether it was the near death experience or the color that caused me vomiting, but either way I hoped that my vomit would create a dragon or some other weird shit that would take me back home. No such luck.

“Damn, dawg, you nasty,” the unicorn laughed.

“Where the hell are we?” I asked after I spit the last bit of vomit and saliva from my mouth.

“I told you, son, we’re in my world now.”

“But How? I didn’t think a single happy thought.”

The stupid unicorn erupted with stupid, hysterical laughter, “Sheeit, I didn’t think you’d believe me! Dawg, I was fuckin’ wit choo! I don’t need no happy thoughts to cross dimensions. What do I look like, that Peter Pan faggot?”

“OK, listen up you magical bucket of glue and Canadian steaks, if you-“

I was interrupted by a joyous hum and the pattering of little feet from behind me. I turned and found myself being surrounded by dozens of small animals. There was a turtle whose shell was covered in multicolored flowers, tiger and leopard cubs, several white baby seals, two green aliens driving a hippy VW bug convertible, and several puppies and kittens. Every single animal had big, unnaturally colored eyes, and a happy smile on their face. Shining down from the sky above us was a giant yellow face. It smiled at me. The sun smiled at me. Already fuck this place.

Lisa Frank- Aliens

Lisa Frank- Turtle

Lisa Frank-Cat-Dog

Seriously. Fuck this place.

“You brought him!” a bright yellow golden retriever puppy squeaked, “I cannot believe he’s here at last!”

From the back of the group, a creature was forcing its way towards Loquacious and me, while demanding to other animals, “Step aside please. Yes you too. Can’t you see the mayor coming through?”

The crowd parted, and a penguin wearing a blue bow tie waddled towards us.

Lisa Frank-Penguin

“Good Gracious, Loquacious, How’d you get so bodacious?!” The penguin cried as it waddled past me and up to the unicorn.

The unicorn held out its hoof, and the penguin slapped it with his wing. They then began to excitedly whisper to one another while glancing towards me. I took this time to pull my pants back up. As I did, I looked around to the various animals in the crowd, and each of them had their eyes fixed upon me. They watched every move I made with awe and excitement. Buckling my belt received a collective “ooh” from the crowd, while flipping them off had them react in unison with “Ah!”

“So why the hell am I here?” I yelled at the penguin, getting tired of being the brightly colored animals’ side show attraction.

The penguin turned to me and replied with a bow, “I, Mayor Ed Quinn the Penguin, would like to formally welcome you, for this is our magical land of the rainbow hue!”

“I shit myself to death, and I’m currently in Hell, aren’t I?”

“Oh no!” Ed Quinn the Penguin shouted, “I don’t know of this place you call ‘Hell’, but we call this place Puffoots upon Atell!”

“Really, I retorted, “Because it looks like I got sucked into a Lisa Frank notebook cover.”

“Lisa Frank is a cunt!” a magenta kitten shouted from the crowd.

“Wait,” I replied skeptically, “You have no idea what Hell is, but you know enough about Lisa Frank to hate her?”

“Yo dawg, She is the one of the only other humans that’s come here,” Loquacious explained, “And dat bitch used her visit here to make her millions, witout givin’ us shit for using our likenesses.”

“So is that why I’m here?”

“Of course not, my human tot,” Ed Quinn the penguin answered, “For you, I have the most important of tasks. I want you to hunt for the 7 Crystaline-“

“Gigglebugs!” a voice cried from just  over a nearby hill. Seconds later, the owner of the voice, a purple husky puppy riding on the back of a polar bear, crested the top of the hill. It screamed again, “Gigglebugs! They’ve breached the Sunshiny Wall!”

Panic and chaos followed the announcement. Screams erupted from the crowd of animals as they ran different directions, stumbling over each other in blind fear. The polar bear mounted husky rode down to where I, Loquacious, and Ed Quinn the Penguin stood. The Polar bear was out of breath, and both had traumatized looks on their faces. Behind them, a golden cloud rose above the hill. As I looked closer, I realized that it wasn’t a cloud, it was a swarm- a swarm of golden beetles the size of teacups.

The swarm arched up high in the air, catching the attention of the panicking animals, and descended upon them. They gathered on the turtle first, which began to laugh hysterically and writhe (as much as a turtle can, anyway) on the ground.  The turtle continued to laugh as the bugs ripped the skin off of its legs and face and into its muscles and organs, until only the shell and the bones were left. It only took twenty seconds at the longest. I didn’t think to time it.

“Jesus Hamster chucking Christ!”

“Snow puff and Frosty paws, we  have no time for you to pause,” Ed Quinn commanded, to the polar bear and husky puppy, “Take as many of our towns people as you can find and hide them in the glitter mines.”  He then turned to Loquacious and added, “Take the human and flee. Head to the tie-dye mountains, just past the Friendship Tree!”

Pictured: The Rainbow Mountains, right past the Friendship Tree

Pictured: The Rainbow Mountains, right past the Friendship Tree

“Wait,” I cried as the penguin mayor waddled away, “What am I doing here? What do you want me hunt for?”

Ed Quinn turned around to answer me, but as he did, the golden cloud of giggle bugs landed on him. He collapsed into a laughing pile on the vibrant green grass and batted at the insects as they ripped the flesh off of his body in tiny strips. The penguin writhed and laughed as the bugs tore down to the bone. He only stopped when the gigglebugs chewed into his throat. The golden insects reached his sternum, and his organs began to spill out of the newly formed hole. Holy shit did that drive the gigglebugs into a frenzy.

Screaming, I jumped onto the back of Loquacious. Just as he was turning to sprint as far away from the nightmare that had just unfolded in the meadow, I felt several sharp stabs in my legs.

“Argh, fuck knuckles!” I screamed, “I’m bit!”

“Shit dawg!” Loquacious cried, “What should I do?”

“FUCKING RUN, ASSHOLE!”

He sprinted, and I took one last look back at the gore behind us. Ed Quinn the Penguin had stopped moving. I sighed. I never got an answer to my questions. I felt another sharp pain form in my leg, just above the knee this time. Wait, I thought, Why aren’t I laughing? I looked down to find the magenta cat, the one that called Lisa Frank a cunt, clinging to my pant leg, and incidentally, me. I grumbled, grabbed the cat by the scruff of its neck, and pulled it off of my leg. He squirmed in my had, clawing at my wrist and throwing out a torrent of curse words at me, each offensive phrase more colorful and offensive to the senses than the surrounding landscape.

“What the hell do you want?” I asked the cat.

“To not fucking die, dipshit,” The cat retorted.

“Well, then stop being an asshole, and I won’t throw you back to the gigglebugs.”

The cat’s adorable eyes grew wider, and it replied, “I’ll be good.”

“Good,” I answered as I plopped it down on in front of me on Loquacious’s back.

“Aieee! Dawg! Get the giggle bugs off my back, yo!” Loquacious cried as he began try to buck the cat and I off.

I wrapped my arms around the unicorn’s neck and screamed, “It’s a cat, it’s a cat!” He either didn’t believe me or didn’t hear me, because he continued to try and buck us off. His spine crushing my dick and balls with every kick and junp.

“It’s Honeypuss, you fucking idiot,” the magenta cat yelled over Loquacious’s whinnying, “Stop trying to kill me and the human.”

Loquacious heard this and stopped. I fell off of his back and curled into the fetal position on the ground, cradling my balls.

“Good going cock nugget,” the kitten snapped at the unicorn, “You ruined the human’s brain.”

The unicorn turned around and put his face close to mine. His breath was sweet, as if every single one of his meals consisted of brown sugar and carrots. “Shit, dawg, sorry for crushing your brain, yo.”

“Human,” Honeypuss added, “I bet you’re really fucking concussed right now, but we need to get moving. Those goddamn bugs will chase us for miles, and we didn’t make it that far.” The kitten then muttered to the Unicorn, “At least everyone else got to go to the glitter mines. But we’re fucking stuck with this douche as he wimpers about how much his head hurts and how he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.”

“First of all, fuck you, cat,” I grunted as I slowly climbed to my feet, still holding my junk.  Then, I continued, “Secondly, I’m more than happy to go back home and leave you rainbow colored animals to whatever happens if I don’t do what it is I am supposed to do. I have absolutely no stake in any of your survival. And Thirdly, my brain is in my head, Loquacious hurt my dick and balls.”

“Your brain is in your head?” Honeypuss asked, “That’s weird as shit that doesn’t smell like flowers.”

“So, shit?”

“Your shit,” the kitten clarified. “Anyway,” he continued, None of us have that junk you have in between your legs, we all just assumed that’s where you humans keep your brains.”

I stopped and couldn’t help myself from studying their crotches. Nope. Nothing. There was absolutely no genitalia.

“How do you guys reproduce if you don’t have genitals?”

The unicorn and kitten gave me a weird look, “Reproduce?”

I sighed, and for the next hour or so, I walked beside Loquacious and Honeypuss and described (in detail) what reproduction meant. They listened with a glint of excitement in their big, colorful eyes as I discussed what sex was. They urged me to give them more and more information. I covered positions, and oral, and anal, and assholes, and the female and male G-spots, and boobs and fetishes and porn and masturbation and orgies and everything else on the topic I could think of until, finally, I said all that I could say on the topic.

“That sounds like the coolest shit ever, homie!” Loquacious exclaimed.”

“Fuck. Yes.” Honeypuss added, “Too bad we can’t do that stuff. We don’t even know where our young come from. We’ll have to ask Dr.McRibbit when we get back.”

I'm a Frog, but also a doctor, but also uncomfortably sexual.

I’m a Frog, but also a doctor, but also uncomfortably sexual.

“If he’s still alive, Sheeit, he could’ve gotten eaten fo’ all we know!” Loquacious replied.

“Fuck. You’re right. If he hadn’t gotten the shit eaten out of him by those bugs, we’ll ask him.”

“Ok, now I have a question,” I interjected, “How in the Hell did you animals think a wall was going to keep out bugs that can fly?”

“Huh?” the unicorn and kitten answered in unison.

“The Sunshiny Wall. The husky puppy said that those bugs breached the sunshiny wall. But the bugs can fly, so why even use a wall as a defense?”

“Because it’s not the fucking wall, but what’s covering it that makes it our most important goddamn defense.”

“What’s covering it?”

“Glitter. Those fucking giggle bugs fucking hate anything sparkly. They won’t pass it when the sun shines on it. That’s why Ed Quinn had everyone flee to the glitter mines. That’s the only place that’s safe if the glitter on the sunshiny wall fails to keep them back. But one gust of wind usually blows an gap in the glitter for the gigglebugs to pass through.”

“Why not just glue the glitter onto the wall, or your houses, or the roads in your town for that matter?” I asked.

“Using what? Our piss?” Honeypuss retorted.

“Well,” I started, nodding at Loquacious, who wasn’t looking at me.

Loquacious noticed the silence, looked back to find me nodding at him, and said “Nah, fuck dat, man. Ain’t no one making me into glue.”

We walked in silence for a little while after that- Then because, I assume, they were wondering if there were any survivors, me because I didn’t want to talk to either of them. After some time, the giant yellow sun, whose stupid fucking face was still shining down on us, had begun to set on the horizon. Periodically, it would yawn. I wanted to punch it in its stupid mouth.

I was about to vocalize my desire to beat the shit out of their son of a bitch sun, when Loquacios cried with joy, “We’re almost there, dawgs! Dat’s da Friendship tree up ahead!”

I looked. Not that far ahead of us was a lone tree. Its leaves were a deep green, and it was spotted with fruit of different colors. The tree itself swayed and bobbed up and down, as if it were dancing in place to a song I couldn’t hear. Beneath it was a still pool of blue water that reflected the tree and sky like glass. I licked my lips. After everything that happened over the past few hours, I didn’t have time to think about how long it had been since I had eaten or drank anything. But now the thirst and hunger came pounding on my stomach.

Smiling tree

“Hey, do you mind if we stop at the tree. I’m kind of hungry and thirsty.”

Loquacious and Honeypuss looked at one another and then to me. “You don’t want to eat and drink there, dawg. You won’t like dat tree.”

“I only have to tolerate it long enough to get some water and some of its fruit,” I replied, “Then it can eat a dick, for all I care.”

I ran ahead of the protesting unicorn and kitten, and, begrudgingly, they followed.

“But that’s the fucking Friendship Tree!” Honeypuss cried.

“So it should be friendly enough to let me eat and drink, so no problem!” I yelled back.

As I got close enough, I noticed that the tree was dancing to a song, but that the song was one it was singing to itself. I walked up to it. It continued to sing and bob around without noticing me.

“Hello?” I called up to it.

“I love my friends/ I love all I see/ I share my love/ I’m the friendship tree!” The tree sang to itself  in a deep voice.

“Hey, Tree!” I yelled.

Startled, the tree looked around before spotting me. “Why hello little fella!” the tree exclaimed, “Are you my new friend?”

“Sure, whatever,” I said, “Can I take a drink from your pool and eat some of your fruit?”

The tree reached out one of its branches, wrapped it gently around me, and lifted me into the air. The tree was almost all face. It’s big eyes and mouth were made up of the arrangement of the branches, twigs, and leaves. Those branches and twigs shifted as the eyes and mouth moved, creating a low creaking sound that was only partially masked by its voice. As the tree lifted me up so that I was face-to- giant face with it, another branch stretched out and patted me on my head.

“What did you want again?” The tree asked as its branch caressed my cheek.

I batted it away and repeated, “Can I take a drink from your pool and eat some of your fruit?”

The tree smiled a wide, gleeful smile, “Why of course new friend! I love doing favors for friends! But can you do me a favor too?”

I sighed, brushed the branch away from my face again, and grunted the question, “What favor do you want?”

The tree didn’t answer, unless you call tightening its grip on me and feeling me up with its branches an answer. Which I guess in this case you could, I guess. The tree licked its leafy lips with its wooden tongue as it felt me up, more aggressively with each touch.

“Uh, guys?” I called back to Loquacious and Honeypuss, “A little help?!”

“Sorry, dawg,” Loquacious called from what sounded to be far away from the tree, “We ain’t comin’ a hoof closer to that tree.”

“What does it want to do?!” I cried.

The Friendship Tree wrapped its branches around my ankles and spread my legs apart. Then, I felt a branch slither up my pants. I struggled. The tree tightened its grip on me.

“Guys! do something!” I screamed. I thrashed, but that only seemed to make the Friendship Tree more aroused.

“What in the high flying fuck do you want us to do?” Honeypuss called back, clearly enjoying watching me suffer.

I bit down on a branch that tried to enter my mouth and screamed back, “I dunno! Loquacious, you have some kind of rainbow power don’t you? Use that!”

“I can’t do dat, homie” Loquacious answered.

“JUST FUCKING TRY SOMETHING!”

“Oh, I’m about to, new friend!” The Friendship Tree replied. Then, after a pause, it added, “You did say ‘try fucking’ right?”

“Shit.”

Just then, a bright beam of light shot under me and hit the pool of water. It reflected off of the pool, and then the rainbow colored beam hit the trunk of the Friendship Tree, causing it to burst into flames. The tree wailed and thrashed, throwing me back down to the soft grass as it tried to extinguish the multicolored flames that had spread across its body. I stumbled, crawled, and then ran back to Loquacious and Honeypuss. From behind me I heard a loud splash of water, followed by a pained groan.

Try not to be weirded out by The Giving Tree after reading that.

Go ahead and try not to be weirded out by The Giving Tree after reading that.

“Ho-lee sheeit! I can shoot rainbows out of my mouth! Dis is da best day ever, yo!”

“Come back, friend!” The Friendship tree called weakly.

“Go fuck yourself,” I replied between deep breaths, “And I mean that literally.” I turned back to Loquacious and Honeypuss, both of whom were smiling faux innocent smiles at me. I screamed, “WHY IN THIS TECHICOLORED WORLD OF FUCKS WOULD YOU NOT WARN ME THAT THAT TREE RAPES WHOEVER GETS TOO CLOSE!?”

“Well, we never had a word for what it does until know,” Honeypuss answered flatly.

“So why do you call it the ‘Friendship Tree’ and not the ‘Stay Away Tree?’”

“Because everyone just fucking knows to stay away from the tree. We only use it as a land mark because everyone knows what and where the Friendship Tree is, and we all know to keep a safe distance away from it. You’re the dumbass who didn’t listen to us.”

“But on the bright side, dawg,” Loquacious added, “You just gave us its new name, the “Rape Tree.”

“Eh,” Honeypuss replied, “I think Friendship Tree has a better ring to it.” Then to me, he added, “Now if you’re done letting yourself get raped, we have to get you to the Tye-Dye Mountains. It’s going to be fucking night soon.”

Clenching my fists, I seethed, “I hate literally everything in this stupid world.”

Neither the unicorn, nor the kitten paid attention to me, and the three of us walked on, ignoring the calls from the Friendship Tree for me to return to it.

At some point, maybe an hour or so after the Friendship Tree incident, as I was walking far ahead of the unicorn and kitten, Honeypuss asked, “So, are we just going to ignore the fact that you had Loquacious shoot a rainbow laser out of his mouth, even though he’s never been fucking able to do that shit before?”

I didn’t answer.

“I guess not.” Honeypuss mumbled to Loquacious.

As we walked on, day melted into night, and the grinning sun gave way to a smattering of giant, neon stars and planets across the night sky, which kept the world about as lit as before, but with a more “Christmas Lights on an explosive amount of steroids” feel to it.  Loquacious was telling some story about how he befriended some woman that lives in a bubble and her green lesbian lover during one of his many travels to different worlds. Honeypuss and I listened as we both searched the horizon for anything that looked like the Tie-Dye Mountains. Other than three small objects ahead of us, there was nothing but the green grass plane all around us for miles.

Bump.

“Did you hear that,” Loquacious asked as panic crept into his voice.

Bump.

“Hear what?” I asked.

Bump.

“That.” Honeypuss replied, “What the fuck is that?”

Bump.

“Aw fuck nah, man, fuck nah,” Loquacious groaned as he darted around me, looking off in the distance. “We need to find someplace to hide, now.”

“Why?”

Bump.

“Teddy Bear Vikings!”

Teddy Bear Vikings are almost as bad as Hip Hop Teddy bears.

Teddy Bear Vikings are almost as bad as Hip Hop Teddy bears.

“Fuck nuggets!” Honeypuss replied, “Those things on the fucking horizon are their land ships, and they’re headed right fucking for us!”

Bump.

“We need to hide, dawgs. We def don’t wanna have a run in with them.”

“Well, where are we going to hide?  There is nothing around us. Not even a rock to lie behind,” I noted.

The next bump was noticeably louder, and the ships had covered half the distance to us since we first spotted them.

“Shit.” Honeypuss added, “The Human is right. There’s no escape from them now.”

“Escape from what?” A gruff voice asked from behind and above us.

We turned. Behind us towered a Viking ship, specifically, the Viking ship that would be the death of us. Emblazoned in gold on the blood red flag was  bear paw. Along either side were a set of paddles equipped with boots to push the boat forward, and a series of shields with a teddy bear’s face painted on them. Each plank of wood that made up the hull was of a different color, which I couldn’t help but notice that the ship would just as equally be at home in a gay pride parade as it would here. From the deck above jumped the captain Teddy bear, whose body squeeked when he landed on the grass.

He was about my height, but his horned helmet and thick boots made him look much taller. Over what would probably be an adorable teddybear face was a long dirty beard that hung down to his stomach. He carried an axe at his side, its blades were chipped and dulled from years of conquering, plundering, and murdering.

“What are you three doing out so late?”

None of us answered. The three ships from the horizon were upon us now, effectively surrounding us.

“Come on now.” He added as he walked back and forth in front of us, “Tell me, what are you three doing out here. It’s not safe to wander out on the Happyness Meadow at night. You could get killed by what lives out here. Or worse…”

“Yeah, we know,” Honeypuss answered. He nodded towards me and added, “We had to rescue this dipshit from the Friendship Tree.”

The Teddy Bear Viking Captain, as well as many of his crew, laughed hearty laughs at my expence. “Human, eh? Your kind is rare in this land. Demanding a ransom for you will feed my clan for years!”

I laughed a nervous laugh and explained, “Guys, don’t listen to the Unicorn and the cat, I’m not human! I only look like I’m human. I’m actually just a boring old, uh, xenomorph?” Shit. Hopefully they don’t know what that is. “Yep. Xenomorph. I’m totally one of those. We’re very common and not worth kidnapping.”

Xenomorphs are surprisingly common in the Lisa Frank Universe.

Xenomorphs are surprisingly common in the Lisa Frank Universe.

The Teddy Bear Vikings moaned in disappointment. Holding up his paw to silence them, their leader replied, “That’s too bad, xenomorph. You would have been a great hostage. But I guess we’ll have to kill you and your friends instead.” He drew his sword, and his fellow Teddy Bear Vikings jumped down from the ships, each one squeaking on their landing.

I held my hand up in front of them, took a step back towards Loquacious and Honeypuss, and yelled, “You don’t want to kill me! As a xenomorph, my blood is actually a highly corrosive acid. Killing me could potentially kill you all as well. Also…” I grabbed Honeypuss by the scruff of her neck.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!” Honeypuss thrashed.

“This!” I chucked Honeypuss at the Viking leader’s face. Instinctively, Honeypuss latched on, and dug her claws deep into his face.

The Teddy Bear Viking roared in pain and slashed blindly at the air with his sword, slicing the throat of one of his fellow Vikings. White stuffing poured from the ghastly wound, the bear held his paws up to the wound, but it didn’t help. The bear was completely deflated in less than a minute. I jumped onto the back of Loquacious as the rest of the Vikings tried to get the magenta kitten off their leader’s face. One of the Vikings prepared to stab Honeypuss with is sword.

“Honeypuss,” I cried, “Jump here!”

Honeypuss launched herself at me with a “You lousy, pale skinned, motherfucker!” and dug her claws deep into my chest. Just in time, too, because the Teddy Bear Viking drove his sword at where Honeypuss was and ended up stabbing his captain in the face. The Teddy Bear Viking Captain screamed and ran in circles with the sword sticking halfway out of his face, and Honeypuss began to alternate swearing at me with biting my neck.

“Loquacious,” I screamed, “Get us out of here!”

“Straight up, dawg!” Loquacious lowered his head, began to shake, and then vomited a blinding rainbow laser at the teddy bears. The bears dove out of the line of light at the last second, so the beam torched a long hole in the hull of the ship in front of us. The wood moaned, and then began to collapse down on us.

The leader of the teddy bears saw this and gasped, “He’s the chosen one! MEN, QUICK, KILL THE CHOSEN ONE!”

“TAKE US OUT OF THIS WORLD, NOW, LOQUACIOUS!” I roared.

“Gotcha.” The unicorn charged forward, blasting through the crumbling Viking ship, and below us a rainbow road formed. Loquacious kept gaining speed until we were far enough away from the Teddy Bear Vikings. Up ahead, I could see the rainbow coming to an end. Loquacious was still speeding up. The three of us screamed. We reached the end of the road, and we vanished.

~~~

To Be Continued…

…I’m not sure when, but eventually…

Peace

The American Douchebag’s Guide to Europe- Scotland

Overview

Scotland has a long history of fighting with people.  They fought the Romans (Hence the construction of Hadrian’s wall by the Romans), the Vikings, The British, and of course each other. The Highland clans were like the street gangs of their time, and the Clan Campbell and the Clan MacDonald were the Crips and Bloods.

In 1703, Scotland was officially taken over by England, and was incorporated into the U.K., which it remains to this day since their damn referendum to secede fell through.

A fun side fact: The flag that everyone thinks of as the British Flag, the Union Jack:

Flag_of_the_United_Kingdom

Isn’t actually the Flag of Engand. This is:

england_flag_pic

If that doesn’t make sense to you, look at the name of the first flag. It’s called UNION Jack. It’s named that for a reason. That reason is if you take the British flag and combine it with the flag of Scotland:

Flag of Scotland

And the flag of Northern Ireland:

Flag_of_Northern_Ireland

You get the Union Jack.

And if you are wondering why the Welsh flag isn’t also a part of this, it’s because Wales was only a principality when the U.K. was formed. They never added an element of the Welsh Flag when it was declared a country because to Hell with Wales.

Although that dragon would be pretty bitchin’ on the Union Jack.

Although that dragon would be pretty bitchin’ on the Union Jack.

Initial Thoughts

“You know, I always expected Scotland to have a lot more kilt and bagpipe shops than there is in reality. It’s pretty disappointing, actually- Oh wait, there’s one. Never mind. And wow, we only left the airport 5 minutes ago.”

Let it be known that Scotland would look exactly like England if it wasn’t for all the Kilt and wool shops and their flag flying everywhere like the ghost of William Wallace. Which, by the way, if you do ever go to Scotland and you decide to stay out after 2:00 AM, you will see Wallace’s ghost. Be warned.

Accommodations

We, by which I mean my boyfriend Dave and I, stayed at the Motel 1 on the hilariously named Cockburn street. I assume Motel 1 was named that ironically, since not only is it not the only motel in Edinburgh, but it isn’t even the only Motel 1 in Edinburgh. The other Motel one was less than a mile away from the one we stayed. You could see it from the main entrance to ours.  Way to try to monopolize Motel 1 corp.

I'm glad we didn't stay here.

At least we didn’t stay here. This place sounds painful.

This motel was styled in a very modern, yet also somewhat rustic fashion. The lobby and dining areas had tables made from repurposed whisky casks, and the bench seating along the windows had blue plaid cushions and sheep skin blankets.  Yet, everything had clean lines and stainless steel accents. The room was no different. Have a look:

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You cannot tell from the picture, but the design that is on the brown pillows is also on the carpet and the drapes, which could lead into a multitude of pube jokes that I’m just going to pass on for now. Instead, here’s the bathroom:

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Infinite selfies!

Infinite selfies!

I will, however, say this about the bathroom: It was too small to be equipped with such a shitty fan. The bathroom would turn into a steam room within 5 minutes of me getting into the shower. I learned to leave the bathroom door and the window to outside open for ventilation, but ugh, that’s a pain in the ass when I could just do nothing instead. Thanks for nothing, Motel 1.

Sites

In Edinburgh, The majority of the more famous sites can be found on or near the Royal mile. The Royal mile is a road that goes up the hill from Hollyrood Palace to Edinburgh Castle. The castle is the older of the two structures and is situated on the highest point in Edinburgh. Hollyrood is the more modern palace (The Current Queen stays there in the summer), but it is also where Mary Queen of Scots lived until the murder of her first son. After that she moved up to the Castle to protect herself and her unborn child. While Holyrood palace still maintains the elegance of being a working palace, the castle has gone full tourism mode.  Most of the buildings are used as museums or displays of what life (palace life, the dungeons) was like back in the day. The castle has around 5 separate gift shops inside it, which makes me think that they ran out of ideas of what to do with all the extra space.

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Along the Royal mile itself  are a series of shops and restaurants. Most of the shops pretty much all sell what you would expect from Scotland: Kilts, miniature bagpipes, canned haggis, anything with a clan name printed on it, and vaguely Celtic items. The more touristy place sold shot glasses and other forgettable souvenirs. However, there were still quite a few shops along the Royal mile that are unique and contain items that I didn’t see anywhere else. Old Town Context is one such store. Old Town Context is actually part of a small chain of stores in Scotland that sell old fashioned curiosities. Miniature stair cases, hot air balloon mobiles, and old tin signs are just some of the many interesting things you can find in this store of curiosities. Here’s their website if you want to see what it’s like. Other than Old town Context, there was a shop the sold various Celtic items, such as Celtic knot window hangs, and miniature recreations of Pictish runes. Then there are whisky shops, and shops that sold wool, and two different Christmas shops. The Royal Mile, has a shit load of stores, is basically what I’m trying to get at.

The Royal Mile, right before the zombies attacked.

The Royal Mile, right before the zombies attacked.

Other sites to see in Old Town Edinburgh are The People’s museum on the Royal Mile, The Scottish Parliament Building, the Scotch Whiskey Experience, and Edinburgh’s hiking spots: The Salsbury Crag and Arthur’s Seat. If you want to witness the best views of Edinburgh, The top of Arthur’s seat is your destination. However, if you’re the typical fat American, be warned that it’s a long hike and there isn’t a single escalator to the top. Get on that, Edinburgh.

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The Queen's gallery, Arthur's Seat,the Scottish Parliament building, and Scotland's famous vanishing cars.

The Queen’s gallery, Arthur’s Seat,the Scottish Parliament building, and Scotland’s famous vanishing cars. And on the far right, you can see the edge of existence.

In New Town, there is the Walter Scott Monument, The Edinburgh Monument, The National Gallery, The Modern Art Gallery,  and the tourist center. And all of it is within walking distance,  which is good unless you’re really against walking. And in that case, why did you decide to go to Europe in the first place, hypothetical lazy traveler? All of Europe is the walking capital of the world.

The Walter Scott Monument

The Walter Scott Monument

Outside of Edinburgh,  I also got to see Loch Ness, The highlands, and The Borders. Although, The Highlands of Scotland are less of a “tourist site” as it is “A natural geological formation that covers the majority of the country.” Loch Ness, despite it’s fame, Isn’t all that fascinating. It’s just a lake. Even the Loch Ness monster isn’t that mysterious. Here’s a picture of me about to punch it in it’s easy to find face. Way to suck at hunting things, Scotland.

I won the fight against Nessie, but only because I was wearing my Cracked.com shirt when I fought her.

I won the fight against Nessie, but only because I was wearing my Cracked.com shirt when I fought her.

She turned out to be super chill. We're friends now. I also credit this to my t-shirt.

She turned out to be super chill. We’re friends now. I also credit this to my t-shirt.

The Higlands, on the other hand, contain some of the most beautiful mountains I’ve ever seen, and I’ve  rock climbed up the Rockies, hiked up the Alps, and copped your mom’s titties.

Here's some aloe vera for that nasty burn.

Here’s some aloe vera for that nasty burn.

The Mountains in the highlands are so sudden, and I think that’s part of what makes them beautiful. There are no foothills to these mountains, unlike the Appalachian or Rocky foothills, Only steady, rolling plains and then mountains. But once you get to the first ones, Then you’ll be traveling between valleys for the rest of the trip. It is amazing.

DSC00707

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Pictured: Not Loch Ness

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This is Loch Ness- just a normal, everyday, poorly spelled lake.

Food

There really is only one meal that is regularly associated with Scotland, and that food is Haggis.  Haggis is so infamous, that one of the most common questions I was asked once I got back was “Did you try the haggis?” (The second most common one is “Did you buy a kilt?” because everyone thinks I would look hot in a skirt.) And the Scottish really do eat it, once in the morning with their traditional Scottish breakfast (2 sausages, 2 pieces of english bacon, grilled tomato, grilled mushrooms, baked beans, haggis, a fried egg, either hashbrowns or potato scone, and 2 pieces of toast) and for dinner in the form of haggis, neeps, and tatties.  Before I go into the “neeps and tatties,” portion, I need to explain what haggis is. Haggis is, and how do I put this for your delicate sensibilities, a boatload of organs meat. More specifically, it is sheep lungs, liver, and kidneys, chopped up and boiled with  beef fat for six hours. Spices and oats are then added to it, the mixture is stuffed into a sheep’s stomach, and then it is boiled some more. It looks exactly as appealing as it sounds:

Haggis is the greyish sludge at the top of the plate.

Haggis is the greyish sludge at the top of the plate.

For dinner, haggis is served with neeps and tatties, or mashed turnips and potatoes. Despite everything haggis has going against it, it’s actually pretty good. It’s flavorful and hearty, and while its savoriness might become overwhelming after a while, the neeps and tatties do an excellent job at balancing out the flavor with sweet and starchy. Really, the main hurdle to get past with haggis is the fact that it looks like what you’d expect it to look like when it comes back out of you. Try not to think about that when you eat it because it will ruin the whole experience for you.  Also, if you want to eat haggis and not be grossed out, then do not read about how it’s made… I probably should have mentioned that earlier. That one’s on me. Sorry.

Haggis 2

Despite what I said about how good haggis is, Bangers and Mash had to be my favorite meal in Scotland, and not just because it sounds like a buddy cop show on the USA network. Bangers and Mash is sausage, mashed potatoes, and gravy. That’s it. It’s so simple, but delicious, and I’m a little mad I never thought of trying that before. Although, I don’t know why they need two different words for mashed potatoes. It’s like mashed potatoes are to them what snow is to the eskimos.

Alcohol

Just as you don’t go to Japan and not try the wine made with fermented baby mice, you don’t visit Scotland and not drink their scotch whisky.  Scotch whiskey is whiskey made with single malt grain, usually barley, which is then cooked over an open fire of peatmoss, which gives the whiskey its unique flavor.

Dave and I tried 6 different Scotches during a scotch tasting event I participated in (The event was that the bar was open and serving drinks).

The first whiskey we tried was from the Highlands:

Whiskey 1

We thought this one was sweet and mild. A nice starter whiskey- whiskey training wheels if you will.

The second one was from Speyside:

Whiskey 2

This one was much stronger and had a much smokier and peatier taste to it. This one needed more water than the rest to make it drinkable.

The third was from the island of Islay:

Whiskey 3

This one had a little bit more of a smokey taste to it, as well as more peat.

The fourth was another Highland scotch:

Whiskey 4

This whiskey had less smoke than the previous one, but was still detectable. It was also smoother than the previous one. This was our favorite.

#5 was another whiskey from Speyside

Whiskey 5

It was sweet, and had a very light smoke flavor to it

And finally #6

Whiskey 6

Apparently, this one was crafted in the boiling waters of hell and heated with the burning corpses of murderers. My trip-mate would describe the taste as sweet and syrupy, but I totally disagree and think that it tasted more like a million people screaming in my head. I only managed to take one sip of this one. And since my gag reflex desperately fought with me on that one sip, I didn’t try it again. But on the bright side, I didn’t throw it back up in the middle of the crowded bar. I’m calling that a win.

People

The Scottish people are actually some of the friendliest I’ve met in my travels. But that’s not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is how passionate they are about political issues. As luck or the fates or whatever would have it, Dave and I  just so happened to be in Scotland the day they voted on a referendum on whether or not they would secede from the UK. This would have been incredibly historical, since they have not been an independent nation since 1707. So if they would have voted to secede, we would have been there on their first independence day in over 300 years. Guess which side we were rooting for.

Unfortunately for us (and probably Scotland too or whatever) 55% of the people voted against seceding, so instead of partying out of my mind with them, they went on with their normal lives. How boring.

But the people there, at least the ones we talked to were passionate. Everyone we had talked to absolutely wanted independence, and they were quite willing to explain why to us. And if anything immediately humanizes a person from a foreign country, it’s listening to them talk about their government. Because many of their arguments are the same that we here in America: Politicians suck, the government is fucking us over, taxes are too high… It’s actually a little reassuring to hear that we aren’t the only ones going through this bullshit.

Oh, but my favorite thing about the Scottish people is the frequency they use the word “Cheers.” They use it all the time. All. The. Time. When they serve you a drink: Cheers. When they server you your food: Cheers. When a conversation comes to an end: Cheers.  When you buy something at their store: Cheers. I have no clue what the rules are for using that word, but they say it more often than a fraternity uses the word “bro.”

I also met this dog. It was the highlight of my trip.

I also met this dog. It was the highlight of my trip.

Overall atmosphere

The atmosphere of Scotland pretty laid back. Everyone is friendly, everything is easy to find and get to, and with a native population that is outnumbered by sheep, you’ll never find a section of Edinburgh that is overcrowded and loud. And the city (like any city in Great Britian where Tourism is big business) is kept very clean.  But while Edingurgh has the cleanliness of London, it is more condensed, making all the sites easier to get to, as well as a distinct historical district. Simply put, Scotland was amazing.

Ok. Here’s more pics:

Scotland has these. What a great country.

Scotland has these. What a great country.

A random courtyard that I took a picture of because it looked European. Please note that people live in those houses, so me taking a picture of them is a little creepy.

A random courtyard that I took a picture of because it looked European. Please note that people live in those houses, so me taking a picture of them is a little creepy.

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A foggy night in Edinburgh. Also. that sign fucked up my picture.

Hollyrood Palace

Hollyrood Palace

The ruins of the Abbey at Hollyrood

The ruins of the Abbey at Hollyrood

The gardens looking towards the ruins of the Abbey at Hollyrood

The gardens looking towards the ruins of the Abbey at Hollyrood

The Edinburgh Castle lit up fabulously

The Edinburgh Castle lit up fabulously

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People celebrating Scotland’s attempted (and eventually failed) succession with candles

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The weapons in Edinburgh Castle’s great hall

Hero dog cemetery

Hero dog cemetery

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The (incomplete) Edinburgh Monument

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A beautiful day on Cockburn Street (I can't stop saying that name)

A beautiful day on Cockburn Street (I can’t stop saying that name)

The Salsbury Crag

The Salsbury Crag

The view from atop Arthur's Seat

The view from atop Arthur’s Seat

The valley (or Glen since this is Scotland) between Arthur's Seat and the Salsbury Crag

The valley (or Glen since this is Scotland) between Arthur’s Seat and the Salsbury Crag

DSC00742

England is much less welcoming.

England is much less welcoming.

WHERE HARRY POTTER HAD HIS FIRST FLYING LESSON!!!!!!!!

WHERE HARRY POTTER HAD HIS FIRST FLYING LESSON!!!!!!!!

Just an average Scottish person.

Just an average Scottish person.

Peace, you bastards.

The Worst Commercials Currently on TV (Part 2)

Hey Everybody! I’m not dead! I know that most of you were probably worried, and maybe some of you were hoping it to be true. I’ll even bet that some of you were a little disappointed that you didn’t get to do the job yourself. Well, I’m not dead, so I think we should all be relieved. That is, unless you were hoping I was dead- in which case, why are you even reading my blog? Man, you have some serious misplaced priorities.

The truth is that since October, I have been busy doing a shit load of writing, It’s just that none of that has been for this blog. I’ve been working on my novel: Awesomesquad! Assemble! The Novel! Which I am still working on and hope to get finished this year (which means that my blog posts will be sporadic until then). Also, I have been writing for two TV shows. One is called VR, and is currently on hiatus, and the other is called The Chosen Ones, and technically, that one isn’t on hiatus. It’s hard to explain the situation with that show. As it turns out, writing for a small production company isn’t the most reliable of writing jobs. You think TV shows would make that point more apparent.

Liz Lemon has made fools of us all.

Liz Lemon has made fools of us all.

But none of that is why I’m writing this today. Instead, I’d like to talk about TV commercials. As someone who has written  scripts for the part of TV that people actually want to pay attention to while surfing the internet, I imagine that writing a script for a commercial must be a pretty thankless job. You have to create a situation with dialogue that promotes a product without being too pushy about it, and have characters or the situation itself be memorable enough to stick in the viewer’s brains long enough for them to buy the product you’re trying to sell to them. And all of this has to be done in thirty seconds to a minute. That is about a page of script, max. That is not a lot of space to get that done.

On the very rare occasion that it’s successful in doing all that, people will raise it up as a testament to brilliant marketing. It could even become a meme, which is the best thing you as an advertiser could hope for. But when it’s bad, your commercial will be ridiculed. The heartless monsters lurking around the internet, who have no joy in their lives and must spread their misery onto everything they come into contact with like some horrible bad vibes plague, will pounce on the advertisement you worked so hard on creating and bludgeon it to death with their evil, hateful words.

Guess which of these two scenarios is about to happen now.

KFC- How do you KFC

For those of you who inexplicably don’t know what KFC is, it is a fried chicken restaurant chain. And for those same people, I have a series of questions about your bizarre up bringing that lead you to this blog before introducing you to the artery clogging deliciousness that is Kentucky Fried Chicken. For instance, are you from a county that the US hasn’t already culturally invaded? And which country is that? I’m totally asking out of curiosity, and not to see to it that we corrode your will against us by introducing you to our fattening cuisine.

Anyway, take a look at this KFC Commercial:

Here’s my problem with this commercial: as I mentioned earlier, everyone has heard of KFC, even if you haven’t eaten there (although, that is still difficult to imagine as an American, since they are fucking everywhere). If you’re making video blogs about your amazing culinary adventures, why in the extra crispy, batter dipped hell would you visit KFC once, let alone three times. How are there no more interesting restaurants where you live that you have to rely on a national chicken chain to fill three days’ video blogs? I can think of four restaurants in my town that would make for a better food blog, and my town is mainly populated by roaming gangs of possums and deer.

And of course the chicken tastes good. It wouldn’t be a national chain if it didn’t. But since it’s a national chain, that means that 99% of your viewers have also eaten there, and therefore are bored by your new-found amazement of KFC.  . There is absolutely no reason for you to mention a chain restaurant in your food blog. I’m not saying that as a writer that knows what good content looks like (even though I kind of am), I’m saying it as a potential viewer who has no interest in your love for fast food chicken strips. You’re not letting anyone in some unknown culinary gem, you’re just wasting everyone’s time and valuable internet space that could have been filled with niche porn and pictures of cats.

But the worst part about all of this is that these women aren’t alone. According to KFC commercials, there are a staggering number of people who have discovered KFC after the internet, blogging, and smartphones:

Did you watch that last one? The guy in it was genuinely amazed at the sorcery of KFC’s pot pies, as if it were impossible in any form of reality for a chicken restaurant to come up the idea to sell chicken pot pies. However, in another commercial, KFC claimed to have sold since the 1970’s. So according to KFC, their loyal fans are tech savvy enough to film and edit their own video blogs, yet so behind the times that they neither watch TV nor have ever heard of a KFC before. Or worse: They could be so uncreative that for them, KFC is an adventure. KFC is not an adventure, unless you consider high cholesterol an adventure. And that goes for you too, Dairy Queen.

Butterfinger Cups- Therapist

First of all, this has to be the worst marriage counselor ever. I’m pretty sure knowingly having a guy lurking around in your office in the middle of a couple’s therapy session breaches the patient-doctor confidentiality agreement, doctor. Secondly, How the hell is an impromptu three-way that the husband isn’t totally on board for supposed to help with their relationship? This couple has a serious problem: their major desires for their relationship aren’t matching up. Chocolate clearly wants something new, but Peanut butter is happy where he is. That’s going to take some work getting through, and surprising the Peanut butter with a two dude three-way isn’t exactly going to help solve the couple’s problems. In fact, it could make things worse. There is a serious lack of communication and compromise coming from both parties, and what they need more than having sex with a strange guy that their therapist set them up with is to actually find something new to do that they’ll both enjoy.
But let’s take a step back for a second. These are just characters in a commercial. Who cares about whether or not chocolate and peanut butter’s marriage is about to go to hell? They’re just characters. That’s right- they all are just characters, each one designed by Butterfinger’s add agents. So, why did they choose such a skeevy looking man to play Butterfinger? Seriously, look at the guy. He looks like the kind of person who would own a whole fleet of rape vans.

Maybe even an armada. Who knows?

Everything about a messy haired man in a track suit gives off a sex offender vibe.

The man is greasy looking, unkempt, obviously a pervert, and worst of all, a track suit enthusiast. Who would let this man join a threeway? Apparently the doctor thought it was a good idea, but I’ve already pointed out how shitty of a psychiatrist this schnitzel eating (His accent is German, because apparently Sigmund Freud is the only psychologist worth trusting) douche is. This makes me wonder if Butterfinger is secretly run by Scientologists (They think psychology is a pseudoscience. Try to keep up).

Geico and M&Ms

OK, I actually like this commercial, but sometimes you have to destroy the things you love, so here we go.

The main problem here is that, while yes, it’s a great strategy for two unrelated companies to work together on a commercial both financially and to create a memorable ad, it will make the consumers needlessly associate M&M’s with Geico. How is that supposed to help either demographic of people in search of either the product or service? Is some uninsured driver going to stop once he sees a package of M&Ms and realize the error of his ways? Is this going to make someone actually looking for an insurance quote buy M&M’s off of Amazon? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean that the connections they’ve forced upon us are any more necessary.
Also, if it wasn’t for the “Chocolate’s better with M” card, it would be difficult to tell what this commercial was selling. There are far more references to Geico commercials than there are to M&Ms, so you could be forgiven if that’s what you thought the commercial was trying to sell.

Gamefly- Be Amazing

If you pay attention, everything in that house, (and subsequently, everything that Griffin crashes into) are outdated, or at least not something that a man in his mid to late twenties would be interested in. So that must mean that everything that Griffin destroyed belongs to an older relative to either of those men, who now have to figure out a way to replace all of that crap because by the end of the commercial, Blake is attempting to fly back into the destroyed TV, not giving a single fuck about all the property he destroyed.
But there’s something even worse here: Griffin is trying to convince the guys to get a subscription to Gamefly, a videogame rental service, after destroying the TV. That TV is one of the bulky, Cathode ray tube Television sets, a type that has been obsolete for going over 10 years now. The particular TV set in the commercial is one with dials, which has been outdated since the 80s. If this really was one of those men’s house, then he clearly did not have enough money to update his 30+ year old television, let alone buy a game console that probably wouldn’t be compatible to that old ass TV anyway. So, instead of sitting there like a dumbass while a basketball player wrecked his house, one of those men should have said, “I would love to get a subscription to Gamefly, but It looks like all my money is going to be going to  fixing my house and buying a new TV that you just destroyed, you thoughtless prick.”

Old Spice- Meeting

The video starts off normally enough (relatively speaking), a dude with an obviously fake hair piece looks across the board-meeting table to his sexy female coworker. But then the commercial quickly turns into an old Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror episode, when the man’s hair climbs off his head begins to flirt with the woman. We can assume this because the woman giggles and writes down her number instead of shrieking in terror and setting the abomination on fire- you know, the reaction any sane person would do in that situation. If you see a woman react the way this woman did, then you to keep the fuck away from her, because she’s serial killer and she will absolutely gut you and add you to her collection of taxidermied  horrors.

I’m really not even sure what this commercial is all about, since I couldn’t see anything other than the manifestation of one of my darkest nightmares and I couldn’t hear anything beyond the screams of a million angry souls.

Dannon Greek Yogurt- Seeing John Stamos

Let’s just get the biggest issue out of the way: This is blatant false advertising. This yogurt does not turn the next person you see into John Stamos. I even tested this out to be sure. See, I have a certain item on my bucket list that requires John Stamos (I want to hatefully spit in his mouth), and although this technically wouldn’t be John Stamos, I figured it would be close enough for my liking. But no, every asshole that I looked at after eating Dannon’s stupid Greek yogurt still looked like their normal-ass selves. And there wasn’t even an asterisk anywere to indicate that it wasn’t possible. You win this round, John Stamos, but one day you’ll slip up. And on that day I’ll be there to spit in your mouth.

Some day, Stamos, some day...

Some day, Stamos, some day soon…

The other thing that really bothered me about this is the fact that if we are witnessing two couples, then we are witnessing two wives that find their husbands so unattractive that only magic yogurt can make them tolerable to look at. There is no reason they should react in such disgust; they’re married, they should have seen each other naked at least once by now. And no, the husband is not attractive, and he is a little bit on the creepy side, but those are observations that she should have made on the first date. She’s obviously not attracted to him, and he does seem like he’s be annoying as shit, so why didn’t they get a divorce years ago. Shit, these two make Chocolate and Peanut Butter from earlier look like soulmates. She’s going to need a lot more yogurt than that if she wants him to throw his dick in her, because unless she can come within the five seconds after penetration, Stamos is going to turn back into her farmer’s tan, buck toothed husband. That’ll make her pussy dry up faster than an ill prepared jogger on Mercury.

How great of timing did the husband have, by the way? If he would have come in fifteen seconds later, those women would have eaten each the yogurt while staring at each other. Remember, it’s the next person they see after they eat the yogurt that turns, and both women were ready to dig in when the husband interrupted in his awkward swimsuit. Were we about to witness two women kiss? OR two John Stamoses kiss? Was this all an elaborate trick by the one woman? I guess we’ll never know, thanks to the gross, twat swatting husband.

OK everyone, I’m done for now. Hopefully I’ll have something for you soon.

Peace

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