Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 26

OK, only 2 weeks left! I am beginning to think I will be able to to make it through this despite what those disembodied voices keep whispering in my ear. And because of this accomplishment, I am going to treat you all to an irrationally long, 13 minute video. Get yourself a hard drink, some tissues, and a crucifix, because this is about to get all kinds of offensive, sexy, and sacrilegious up in here.

P.S. Sorry about the length of it (That’s what HE said!), especially since I do not use it well (That’s also what he said!)

(Note: to any of you uptight people watching that that also do not know me, first of all, thank you for watching. Secondly, I am not a killer of babies. That was a joke. Get over yourselves and get a sense of humor, you prudes.)


How I Do Birfdayz, Yo

Before I start rambling this time around, I would like to thank Takeru Kobayashi (the Asian dude who eats hotdogs to become famous) for being a douchebag and interrupting a eating contest. Because of this, he made the news and people prayed to the all knowing Google (blessed be thy name) for the answer as to who the fuck this dude is. Google, in turn directed them to my blog. I got almost 100 hits on July 4th and got 120 on July 5th because of this, and you have no idea how happy I am because of this. Seriously, I just came…

Anyway, now that I have cleaned myself up, Lets get to the blog.

I have been having these strange feelings lately. Everyday Hu-mons tell me that this feeling that I am feeling is called compassion. (Did I spell that right?I’ve never heard or used that word before. In fact, I am a little suspicious that you Hu-mons made it up to confuse me.) In any case, for reasons unbeknownst to me, becoming oddly sentimental lately.  I don’t know what’s causing this, or how to stop it, but I thought it might be amusing for you all if I share how some instances that I have attempted at being nice.

On June first, 4 of my friends had a birthday, and I decided to wish them all a happy birthday. However, I did not want to put a lot of effort into it. I was originally going to wish them a happy birthday via status update, but I soon became distracted my other things on the internet. No, I am NOT talking about porn. I was looking at Captionunrelated.com and decided that I could do the same thing, so I set out to do just that. I found a site that can add captions to images, and started to make my own pictures with unrelated captions when it hit me: I could do this for their birthday!  So, going the completely opposite route work-wise than what I originally intended, I made the four. These first four are really just insults, but still, I MADE them birthday cards (electronically). See? Sentimental.

Anyway, I like the idea so much that I thought that I would continue with this throughout the month of June, and made as many as I could. These are those birthday cards:

This first one was for my friend Dan Miller. I went to high school with him and was one of my good friends in the band. I also made out with his sister at a dance, but that is a different story all together. After I moved to Ohio, he quickly fell into the chasms of nerdom and began to play Dungeons and Dragons. I currently know of a dork that plays it (and refuses to not talk about it), and I can assure all of you non-nerdy people that how retarded you think it sounds, it 100 times dumber than that. For his birthday, I made him this card:

Happy Birthday Danny!

The second person is also someone I went to high school with, but Watkins this time. I was also in the band with him, he dated my one of my good friends, and I was at one point the singer in his band. We hadn’t talked in a while, but I felt this would be a good time to start a new conversation. I actually chose one of my favorite quotes that I have come up with but have never had a chance to use.  That probably makes me a self-indulgent prick, but hey, do you expect anything else from me? I made a NCAA bracket tournament to decide the name of my dick. C’mon, even I admit that I am self absorbed. Anyway, here is my birthday card to Dominic:

Happy Birthday Dominic!

The third person was the owner of the Old School Gym, Dustin. Last year, he taught me some ab work outs. And by doing so, he basically challenged me to an abdominal off. If any of you are jealous of my amazing abs or at least annoyed with how much I talk about them, you have Dustin to blame.

You created this monster, Dustin.

I eventually caught up to, and surpassed him in the stomach muscle region. And for those of you who  are familiar with the ending of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein,” understand that since I am the monster, it would only be a matter of time that I would beat him in the worst possible way. His birthday card pointed out that I was finally better than him:

Happy Birthday Dustin!

Then, there was Zach. I worked with him at The Geagle before he got his dumb ass fired, and I see him every once in a while at the gym. He is a good guy and all, but at times I want to back hand him for being so stupid. He also has a tendency to write all of his status updates in all caps. I don’t know if he knows that that is the way you yell at someone over the computer, or if he doesn’t know that his caps lock is on, but it bothers the Hell out of me and it must stop. Anyway, I did not have a good insult for him at the time, so I basically used one of my “caption unrelated” pictures. Here it is:

Happy Birthday, Zach!

I still think it is fitting for him.

After I made these original four, I decided that I had a good idea on my hands, and I decided to continue with this idea throughout the month of June. These next ones are a bit out of order date-wise, but you probably don’t know these people, so who the fuck cares?

This next one I made was for my cousin, Sam. He turned 13 or something. The one I made for him just might be my favorite of the group, mainly because the rest seem to fit into a phrasing formula that this one does not. Also, with this one, the picture and the caption work with each other, whereas the pictures on the other ones only add to the caption. For Sam’s card, it is funnier when you have both the picture and the caption. See for yourself:

Happy Birthday Sam!

Next up was my Aunt June. For hers, I wanted to do something also dealing with violence, so I decided to take a picture I had stumbled upon a while back. I am not the biggest fan of the caption, but I was trying to avoid a cliché, and this was the best I came up with. Don’t judge me!

Happy Birthday June!

Next up: my cousin Kelsey. She is the daughter of June and the older sister of Sam. This means that  every birthday except for one  in that household fell in the month of June. (Way to fuck things up, Kirsten!) Here is my card to Kelsey:

Happy Birthday Kelsey!

These next two were for my two friends from highschool. They are twins, so I decided to go with that theme for their cards.

Happy Birthday Kelsie or Kayla!

Ok, this one was definetly for Kelsie; everyone knows that Kayla is the evil one.

This next one was for one of my best friends from Watkins. He was one of those artsy types, and I would normally never associate with those people, but he made me this kickass pottery bowl-thing, so he’s cool in my book. He probably will not take that as a complement, and I do not blame him; I am a terrible judge of character. Anyway, For his birthday I wanted to tell him how he makes me feel- mostly nauseous:

Happy Birthday Joel!

This next one was for my friend Jordan. He works out at the gym, and he was one of the first non-band people I met after I moved to Ohio. I’m pretty sure he hated me back then. Anyway, he wears these retarded green shoes at the gym, and I cannot help but laugh to myself whenever I see them. So, in lue of that, I made him this:

Green shoes? WTF Jordan?

For the rest of the birthdays, I do not remember who I made the pictures for, so I am just going to throw them up here and let you people sort it out. Enjoy:

Happy Birthday “?”!

Happy Birthday “?”!

Happy Birthday “?”!

Well, I guess I still have a long road ahead of me compassion-wise. But at least I am on the right road! C’mon, baby steps, people, baby steps.

Anyway, these are all of the e-cards that I made. I would continue to make these, but I have lost all interest in doing so. This actually was difficult to do on a regular basis, and I quickly ran out of ideas. You might be wondering how I would run out of ideas, but fuck you. What am I, a writer? Oh, yea…

Oh, and this is my 25th blog post! In celebration of this historic event, I have made myself a picture with a caption. (I know what I wrote in my last paragraph, but whatever.)

Wow, this hurts. I’m a dick.



I am a hypocrite. I need to say that right off the bat, just because you will say it to yourself at least once while you are reading this. Since this is my first time blogging I want you to be gentle (but seeing that this is a blog, I expect you will make my soul bleed.)

I am writing on blogging for my first topic for a couple of reasons:

  1. To become a better writer. (that is why i write to begin with)
  2. So that when I start really getting into blogging, I can look back at this post and be amazed at how much I have changed. I’ll probably laugh at how stupid I was too.
  3. So that I can point out that I am a hypocrite so that there is no confusion about it.
  4. And because sometimes, I just feel like standing on a soapbox and ranting to anyone within earshot about random crap.

Well, seeing as I’m on my soapbox right now and everyone who can read English and has internet access is within earshot, I guess I should start my rant.

The fact of the matter is that I hate blogs. I honestly do. And yes I do see the irony in this blog post. I know that I shouldn’t hate blogs, because many of my friends have blogs, and I still like them despite this major character flaw. In fact, one of the aforementioned friends actually suggested this site to me. Thanks Trashley!

megan_foxOne of the main reasons I dislike blogs is because of how everyone who writes one thinks their opinion is important to be shared with everyone. Whether it’s politics, music, or how Megan Fox is the hottest women alive, everyone has an opinion and they insist upon having strangers read it.

The internet has made it so easy for people to share their thoughts and ideas to the online community that they have forgotten that their opinions do not matter. I am not saying that everyone who writes a blog shouldn’t have their opinions heard, just the vast majority. The people who have actually researched (I.E. politicians, or the people who work in that field of study) what they are blathering on about should have their blogs red. Not Bill from accounting who only repeats the talking points that his friends spewed off only an hour ago.  There are over 6 billion people on this planet, and every one of them has an opinion. Why should someone be able to preach it to the rest of the world about what they think just because they believe that they have it all figured out. This includes me. Not only is this my first blog, but I have read very few. This should make every argument that I make invalid, but I continue to stand on my metaphorical soap box and preach to you, even as I begin to come up with rebuttals to each of my arguments. I would put them in this blog, but I feel that I will have done enough to make my view point irrelevant by the end that if I add more, this blog post will go from hypocritical to a full fledged paradox.

And besides, what is the definition of an opinion? An opinion is “the view somebody takes about an issue, especially when it is based solely on personal judgment” so sayeth Microsoft Word. Anymore, people are regarding their opinions as facts, and it makes me lose my faith in humanity. A personal opinion is one that cannot be proven or disproven, because it it based on how one person thinks.

It also annoys me how self important people who write blogs are. This is actually why it took me so long to actually start writing a blog. Why should anyone listen to me? I am not important enough for my rants to be posted to the internet. What the fuck do I know? How is my viewpoint any different (or any better for that matter) from dozens, or hundreds, or thousands of people who think like me? All I can think about as I am joaquinwriting this is how I doubt any one will care. This seems futile to me. But I continue on, Goddamn it, because what I am saying needs to be said, even if the crowd of people has moved on from me and my soapbox and started listening to someone who actually believes that they are making a difference. I am like an internet homeless person. I may be right in some of my arguments, but my mental condition has caused many people to not trust what I am saying… Being white is a mental condition, right? That’s that the goblins told me.

Anyway, on to the comments. Now as I said, I haven’t read a lot of comments on blogs, but I have read enough to see that they can be just as pointless as the blog itself, if not more so. I think a video from college humor put it best. Here are some of the lines from their video “We didn’t start the flame war.”

  1. First post!

Fucking gay

  1. Second post!

Go away!

  1. Stupid picture
  2. Simpsons did it
  3. South park did it too.
  4. ROFL copter
  5. Really stupid
  6. I don’t know, I kinda like it.
  7. I hate Cindy
  8. I hate Mindy
  9. I hate fags and jews

Eh, it is not as funny with out the video. Watch it here:


The comments would make sense if someone actually wrote constructive criticism in them, but usually they’re filled with mindless dribble. As if all the fluff wasn’t enough, there are the people who post links to whatever they are affiliated with, and the people who spout overly creative insults at the blogger, or their fellow commentator. I am not saying you should not disagree with the person who wrote the blog, I am just saying instead of insulting them, debate with them. Show that your point of view is equally valid.

I’m finished.  Fire at will.

Peace on the floor

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