Happy Belated Birthday Kirsten! I’m sorry that this message is so late, but I promise you that I have a excellent reason why. Let me start from the beginning…
The door to my dairy cooler shut with a heavy metallic click, leaving me alone in in the chilled room with nothing but my sweatshirt wrapped tightly around me, my phone clutched in my hands, and my thoughts buzzing in my head. I needed privacy and no distractions for the task at hand, and my cooler was the only place in the store that could provide both.
I grabbed the chains I had stowed for this occasion and wrapped them around the handle. Then, I pulled a padlock from my pocket, locked the chains in place, and pocketed the key. Zipping my sweatshirt up to the collar and wrapping my arms around myself, I ventured deeper, past the empty milk crates and to my secret space: a little fort of empty boxes that I constructed behind my backstock shelves. The cool air from the fans overhead gently tousled my hair as the hum from the motors drowned out any noise from the outside world. I climbed into my little cardboard cave to prepare myself for what might be the most important thing I ever do: write you, Kirsten, a greeting for your birthday beautiful enough to make the gods weep.
You see, the last two times I tried this ended in disaster. The first, for my other cousin Ryan, my phone was stolen from me which lead me across Europe to thwart a plot to erupt all the world’s volcanoes at once. I don’t know how anyone would benefit from that, but I guess they call them criminal masterminds for a reason. The second was for your brother, Sam, and I personally, needed to stop the clandestine group known only as “The Quiggles” from taking over the world and giving everyone else a stupider name than theirs (if that’s possible.) I obviously stopped both dastardly plans with the help of my mercenary friends, but in those disasters place, I ended up sacrificing my well wishes to them. But not for you, Kirsten! This time I had a plan. If I could barricade myself in my dairy cooler and hide myself where no one could find me, and do this all a few days before your birthday so that no goddamn world ending event could possibly stop me from writing you a well wish so magnificent that lesser humans would have their eyeballs melt out of their skulls from reading it. Or so I thought.
After a minute or so, I came up with what I wanted to say to you, but right as I did, a loud, hollow bang erupted from the cooler wall. I jumped at the disturbance, forgetting I was in my box fort, and shoved my head right through the top. With my head suck out of the box, I struggled, lost my balance and spilled onto the hard, cold, and filthy concrete floor.
BANG
I scrambled to my feet, wearing my box cave like they were rudimentary clothes, my arms, legs, and head sticking out of fresh holes in the cardboard.
BANG
The sound was coming from the far wall of the cooler- the one that is against the outside of the building. Struggling with my phone, I started writing the message I had for you. “Happy Birthday Kir…”
BANG
The metal wall dented in toward the center of the room, and I heard faint shouts.
“Shit. Fuck. Shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck.”
I started running in circles in a panic as all higher mental functions in my brain shut down.
BANG
The dent grew larger, pushing about six inches into the room at this point. I looked to the cooler door. Coming to my senses, I ran to the door and began to frantically pull the lock and fumble for the key.
BANG
A metallic groan pierced the air as the metal wall of my cooler folded out from the wall, separating itself from the other panels. Shouts from the attackers followed the groan, and filthy arms began reaching through the gap.
“Aye, we’re almost there! Ram the wall harder, you scurvy dogs!” I heard a sea weathered voice say.
“Oh shit. Oh shit I’m fucked. Wait… what?!”
Once registering what the voice said, I stopped fumbling with the lock and chain and looked to the other end of the cooler. This was a mistake, because at that moment, the metal panel gave way and a handful of honest-to-god pirates rushed in at me. And when I say pirates, I mean “Ahoy Matey” pirates, the ones that look like they stole their clothes from the animatronic mannequins from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, not the modern day pirates that have no respect for the aesthetics of traditional pirate garb. Those guys are the worst.
The pirates grabbed my arms and legs. I tried to fight them off, but there were too many, and my counterattacks were impeded by the fact that I was still in my cardboard hideout- turned prison/ romper.
“We got him!” Yelled the pirate holding one of my legs.
“Arrgh! Then bring him back to the ship, you filthy scallywags!”
“No!” I yelled while trying to free myself from their clutches, “You’ve got the wrong guy! I never even called pirates ‘hobos with flair!’”
Ignoring my pleas, the pirates carried me out of the new hole in my cooler wall and into the frigid winter air. Towering ahead of us sat an ancient sea-weathered wooden ship, it’s hull encrusted with barnacles, hardened and black the like the belly of some dragon.
I struggled harder and cried out for help. To our left was the back entrance to the store’s liquor wholesale room. I spotted the wholesale manager, Tessa, looking out through the small window in the door.
“Tessa! Help! These pirates are kidnapping me! Call the police! HELP!”
Tessa, whom I have told in detail about my misadventures that always seem to happen around my cousins’ birthdays, slowly ducked beneath the window and out of view.
“Damnit Tessa.” I sighed, defeated as the hoard of pirates carried me to the lifeboat on the ground.
Before I was hoisted up to the top deck, I stole one last glance around for any sign of help. There was no one except pirates clutching ropes that reached up to the railing. However, I did notice hundreds of brightly colored squares holding the belly of the ship a mere inch or two off the ground.
The crew on the ship pulled on their ropes, and the lifeboat jerked up into the air, swaying precariously as the tiny captors struggled against me. In no time at all, the ship crew had us up to the deck, and we spilled into a pile onto the smooth wood. Somewhere ahead of me, the captain barked an order, and the entire ship heaved backwards.
“No no no no no!” I cried as I finally freed myself from the pirates’ grip and ran to the railing, “but it’s almost Kirsten’s birthday!”
“We can’t be havin’ ye leavin’, Minigan,” the gruff voice of the ship’s captain said as he walked up behind me. “Ye be too important to our cause.”
The Captain was an older man with long, stringy, gray hair, wearing a emerald green coat and a tri-corner hat that covered his fair skin from the sun.
I ran away from the captain and to the starboard side. For being a vessel that had no reason to be, and was not designed to be this far inland, the ship was making startling progress. It was already out from the back of the store and about to pull onto Broad St. Onlookers gathered on the sides of the road, gawking at the 1600s pirate ship somehow sailing down the highway.
“Help!” I called out to the spectators, “I’m being kidnapped! Call the police!”
Several filthy sets of pirate hands grabbed a hold of me and tried to pull me away from the railing, but I wrapped my arms tight around the wood.
The pirate captain laughed and then yelled to the crowd, “Don’t ye worry, land lubbers! We just be holding an impromptu parade! This be the only pirate maiden we could find in a pinch.”
“I’M NOT A PIRATE MAIDEN! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!”
“And a convincing pirate maiden at that!” The captain added. “It be 2021, folks, and a man can be a pirate maiden if he chooses. Can we get a argh for defying gender norms?!”
The gathering crowd yelled out “Arghs” of varying enthusiasm, and then my pirate captors started throwing Mardi Gras beads to the crowd.
Like a flock of geese to bread, the spectators on the curbs rushed to the flying beads, climbing on top of one an other and no longer paying attention to my cries of help. Looking down at the people on the sides of the road ravenously fighting for Mardi Gras beads, I let out a sigh (some would call it a groan) of defeat. “Ok. You got me. Now, who the fuck are you, and where are you taking me?”
The captain bowed and said, “Me name is Captain Oliver Gully, and I be pleased to finally meet ye, Minigan.”
“And where are you taking me?”
“That be a complicated answer. Ye may just want to enjoy the adventure fer now.”
“No. Tell me what bullshit you’re forcing me to be involved with.”
The captain smiled, revealing his yellowed and chipped teeth, and replied, “All in time.”
I grumbled to myself and pulled myself out of my thinkin’ box. Then, once the pirates guarding me let down their guard, I sprinted to the captain’s chambers while fumbling to get my phone out of my pocket. Slamming the cabin door shut in the face of a particularly angry looking pirate, I locked the door, set up a makeshift barricade, and dialed 911.
As soon as the operator answered, I blurted, “Ok I know this is going to sound like a prank, but I just got kidnapped by some pirates that are now sailing their ship down Broad Street. Please send a SWAT team or something to rescue me!”
The operator sighed, “This has to be the stupidest thing anyone has ever called in-“I never heard the rest of what she said, because just then, my barricades broke and the pirates rushed in, grabbing the phone from my hand and pinning me to the wall. I nearly gagged on the salty stench of their body odor mixed with the rum and fish on his breath as one of their bodies pressed mine against the cool wood paneling.
“I thought we be past this, Minigan,” the captain said to me in a disappointed tone. “Take his phone,” he ordered his men, “And don’t let him have it until we’ve made our way across ‘The Divide.’”
I didn’t like the sound of “The Divide.” “Give me back my phone, you bastards!” I managed to gasp out.
“Now why would we be doin’ that? Just so you could call the police again? Or worse, call your mercenary friends? Nothin’ doin’ Minigan.”
“Actually,” I retorted, mentally kicking myself for not thinking of Draxyl McGruntmuffin’s team, “I want to finish a birthday wish to my cousin, Kirsten. She’s one of the greatest humans to walk this unworthy earth, you see, and she only deserves the greatest of birthday wishes.”
“Well, she will have to wait,” The captain said, “We have something we need ye to do. Once we get what we want, ye can say whatever ye want to yer cousin.”
I felt the stinky weight of the pirate leave me, and I took a deep breath of stank free air.
“C’mon back out to the deck, Minigan. It would be a shame for ye to miss us cross in’ The Divide.” The captain gave me a mischievous smile, but I followed them out anyway. The ship was at the top of the hill east of my store at this point; I have no idea how we got up there so fast just by the crew pulling it. The captain barked an order to the men on the ground, and the ship started turning to the left, knocking into the honking opposing traffic as it did. Within the minute, we had done a 180, and now the bow of the ship was pointed to the west, the afternoon sun blinding our eyes. The captain, appearing at my side again, pointed over the railing and down to the bottom of the ship where the men on the ground were scurrying about, fastening the ropes the the hull, and adjusting the multi colored squares.
“Those squares be what ye landlubbers call ‘scooters.’ We stole them from middle schools for the past several years just so that we could get inland to ye,” he told me. “They should help get us movin’ fast enough to cross The Divide.”
“Ok, what is this Divide, and what do you want from me?”
“All in time, Minigan. But for now, Brace yeself.” The captain cried out, “FOWARD, HO!” The ship lurched forward, as the men on the ground rushed up the ropes. Momentarily teetering on the edge of the hill, the ship tipped forward and started racing down the hill. It plowed through traffic, literally, knocking any unfortunate cars out of the way as it gained speed.
I clutched the railing, pulling myself against it as the passing objects rushed past in a blur. The ship continued to gain speed. Then, slowly at first, specks of golden light streaked across my field of vision, until the entire ship was in a tunnel of light. Intense heat and pressure enclosed around me, and the light washed out everything.
——
The following section was creatively added by me, as I was not there to know how the events played out:
It had been a quiet few months for Draxyl McGruntmuffin and his crew of mercenaries. With the pandemic and all the other garbage that was dumped on everyone in 2020, there wasn’t much need for a team with their unique skill sets. So by this point, they had been meeting up purely out of habit; a weekly ritual none of them thought to call off. Draxyl spent his time in their Parisian hq maintaining the weapons and utility vehicles and testing his patented invisible ropes by playing tug-of-war with no one; Svetlana Lustnaughtlov, the team’s resident spy and covert ops specialist, kept busy exploring internet back channels for possible jobs (while also staring dreamily at her pictures of Minigan); Vinny Tyrese Archibald Patrick Saiid Makoto Borowitz-Gutierrez aka #TheMouth, the team’s Tech whiz and the unofficial speaker for the stoically silent Draxyl, stared at his wall of TVs, looking for any news of a conflict they could end or exasperate for profit while also babbling on about one of his other many areas of interest; the team’s masters of the mystic arts, the Sagittarius quintuplets, were gathered in a circle, lazily passing orbs of light to one another, their eyes rolled to the back of their heads while they chanted in a dead language; the latest member and the expert in hand-to-hand combat, the mysterious British Man with an eyepatch, was sharpening his knives in the darkest corner.
“We sense another disturbance in the time aether,” The Sagittarius Quintuplets, droned in unison.
“There they go about the ‘time aether’ again,” The British man with the eyepatch said as he picked dirt out of his nails with a knife, “This has to be at least the third time this week.”
“That is because this is the third time we have sensed a disturbance in the time aether this week,” the quintuplets said as they floated toward him. “Someone is manipulating time itself. We must investigate.”
“I have not seen anything about manipulating time,” Svetlana said in her thick Russian accent from over her laptop. She was draped exotically across the beat up brown couch, wearing her loungewear catsuit. “Are you sure it’s the time aether you’re sensing?”
The ten, mostly identical siblings shook their heads. “It was the time aether. We are sure of it,” one of the quintuplets, probably Scorpio, stated. “You are wasting your time searching the web, Svetlana,” the group said in unison again, “Manipulating, the time aether is not an act a smart person of this era would brag about on a public forum. Once the time aether has been disturbed, it is weakened enough to let others manipulate it. It can create an abundance of time paradoxes.”
Oblivious to the conversation the rest of the team was having, #TheMouth shouted, “Everyone look! Minigan’s on TV!”
The group rushed from their various spots in the dingy hideout to #TheMouth’s wall of TVs as #The Mouth changed several of the sets to Columbus news stations. All were showing the same thing: a parade of sorts, although not much of one. It seems there was only one float in this parade- a pirate ship, a realistic looking one, but just one pirate ship. On the deck, throwing beads to the gawkers below where dozens of accurately dressed pirates and one lone man dressed in modern clothes, with a muscular frame and long brown hair.
Draxyl gasped, “Minigan, you slick son of a-“
“Draxyl, the anchorwoman is talking,” #TheMouth interrupted, pointing at one of the screens.
“An unexpected and impromptu parade occurred on the East side of Columbus today, as an authentic pirate ship, equipped with a full crew and a pirate maiden threw Mardi Gras beads to people on the sides of Broad Street,” the anchorwoman explained as a video of the ship played above her shoulder. “And while the ship and crew were traditional pirates,” she added with a smile, “The pirate maiden was far from traditional. As you can see, this pirate maiden is a man. As the standard kidnapped damsel is a woman, this refreshing take on that trope uses a male kidnap victim, showing all of us that in this day and age, just because a person is being Shanghaied by pirates, doesn’t mean it has to be a woman. What a day for gender equality!”
Muted by the other noise in the video and by the anchorwoman’s voice, but still just barely audible, Minigan’s cried, “This isn’t a goddamn parade! I’m really being kidnapped!”
The group looked at each other and then to the quintuplets. #TheMouth asked, “Do you think these pirates are the ones who disturbed the time aether?”
“We cannot know for sure.”
Then, on cue, the news clip cut to the ship speeding down the hill, and in a flash of golden light, vanished. A heavy silence fell on the mercenaries.
“Yes,” the quintuplets announced in their unison, “I think that proves that they are.”
#The Mouth paused a replay so that Minigan’s yelling face was frozen on one of the screens.
Svetlana ran up to the wall of screens and caressed Minigan’s cheek, wailing, “OH MY SWEET MINIGAN! Why did these pirates kidnap you? Please tell me you’re safe!”
As the Sagittarius quintuplets struggled to pull Svetlana away from the TVs, Draxyl rubbed his forehead in exasperation and said, “Minigan, you slick son of a-“
“Come on everyone! We don’t have time to stand here dilly dallying!” #TheMouth said, “we need to steal a ship so that we can travel back in time and rescue Minigan from these time traveling pirates!”
The rest of the team cheered, probably because they were all itching for a mission, but none the less, they all started scurrying about in preparation to rescue Minigan.
—
My head was spinning and my stomach churning when the light finally faded away from the outside of my eyelids. Immediately, the salty smell of the ocean filled my nose, and once my pulse stopped pounding in my ears, I heard the sounds of water slapping wood and the distant calls of seagulls. With my heart plummeting to my stomach I looked though my squinting eyes, just a peek to see if the ship was still one Broad Street. All I saw was blue. Opening my eyes the rest of the way, I found that not only was I no longer on Broad Street, I was no longer near any mainland at all. All around me and the ship were the blue, choppy waters of the ocean, and the cloudless sky. On the horizon ahead we’re two land masses with a narrow strip of water between.
“Fuck me.” I muttered to myself.
“If ye be askin’, I be obligin’,” Captian Oliver Gully said with what I’m sure he thought was his most seductive grin.I spun to face him and swung my fist. The ship crested a wave which made me stumble and my fist miss.
“We’re the hell are you taking me?!” I yelled at him as I regained my balance, “and where is the land? We were just in Ohio moments ago!”
Captain Gully laughed, “Technically speakin’, we were not in Ohio moments ago, as Ohio doesn’t exist yet. We were in Ohio over 500 years from now. This be the year 1582, and we be taking you to The Archipelago of Voices, specifically to Last Words Cavern in The Roarin’ Isles.”
“Why?!”
“Because, Minigan,” a tall, dark skinned pirate chimed in as he walked passed, an eye patch covering his right eye and thick dredlocks draping over his broad shoulders, “we need ye to help us get what we be searchin’ for.” He gave me a wink with his left eye before moving his eyepatch to cover it and heading below deck.
“It be true what Handsome Tower Gabranth just said,” Captain Gully added, “We need yer help collecting a certain artifact from the cavern. Something only you can get for us. That’s why we traveled into the future to get you. We had been searching for you for a long time. Clever of the gods it was to hide ye in the future.”
“Why does it always have to be me?” I grumbled more to myself than to the pirate, “My phone nearly erupted the world’s volcanoes, I was the one who had to convince the other vampires to take down The Quiggles, I am the one that needs to quantum leap half a millennium into the past to steal some treasure for pirates. Why can’t someone else be forced to deal with this bullshit for once.”
“Ye be the chosen one, Minigan,” the Captian said with pity in his voice, “…We thought ye already knew that.”
“I’m the chosen one? oh fuck off with that bullshit!”
“Wha-?”
“No,” I shouted, “not another word you swashbuckling son of a bitch! All I wanted was to write a birthday wish to my favorite cousin, but now you taken me back in time for some stupid dabloons!” “Not Dabloons, The Green Bracelet of-“
“You kidnapped me and brought me back in time for some goddamn jewelry?!”
Probably due to the commotion, Handsome Tower Gabranth had returned with a handful of pirate crew and they joined us on the quarterdeck.
“You assholes go through life getting merrily drunk off of rum, enjoying a lawless existence filled with looting treasure,” I continued, “But because one Fucking bangle is too difficult to obtain for your alcohol soaked and sun fried brains, you need to travel to a whole other goddamn era to find someone competent enough to get it for you, while calling him the chosen one. Fuck you. Murder me.”
“Yarr, Minigan, we don’t know what stories ye been told about pirates,” Captain Gully said as more pirates gathered around, “but let me tell ye, a pirate’s life has more that it’s share of misery.”
And then, my dear Kirsten, the worst thing that could possibly happen in this scenario happened. Yes, they broke into song and dance.
A man with two peg legs danced around on the main deck, his pegs creating a beat while he tooted into his fife.
Captain Gully took a breath and sang, “Ohhhhh! A yo ho ho ho/ and a ye he he/ why yes, we might seem free/ but ye just don’t know/ what it’s like to be/ diseased on the deep blue sea”
I groaned, “oh god, please don’t.”
“Oh we been tearin’ up the sea/ For a many years now/ Rapin’ and plunderin’ as we please/ but the life we got/ Oh it ain’t worth the rot/ that we got on our teeth/“ the captain sang.
A frail looking buccaneer with an eye patch and a long beard jumped forward and started singing, “We rinse our mouths with rum/ pick our teeth with swords for fun/ brush them with sea weed/ No one’s bathed in a year/ there’s moldy food in my beard/ diseased on the deep blue sea”
Every pirate on deck jumped in and sang the chorus, “ Oh a yo ho ho ho/ and a ye he he/ why yes, we might seem free/ but ye just don’t know/ what it’s like to be/ diseased on the deep blue sea”
It was Handsome Tower Gabranth’s turn, apparently, “When I first joined this crew/ Stumpy had two legs to boot/ and I remembered feeling happy/ but the cannon balls roared, and off his legs soared/ into the cold and briny sea/ now wooden stilts he wears/ and I have nightmares/ but not as bad has he/ for we might be stressed/ or maybe even depressed/ but it’s probably just PTSD”
This song went on for at least twenty minutes, which I will spare you from, my wonderful cousin. I will, however share a couple memorable quotes from different points through the song:
“We have ticks and lice/ and the plague from stowaway mice/ and don’t get us started on the goddamn fleas”
“It gets lonely out here on the sea/ We have sex wit each other/cause we’re too smelly for land lovers/ and now we all have STD’s”
“So come and join the pirate hoard!/ Ain’t no poop deck to swab/ no that’s no one’s job/ cause we throw all our shit overboard”
Oliver Gully- “Oh a yo ho ho!”
The crew- “Yo ho ho!”
Oliver Gully- “and a ye ye haw!”
The crew- “….”
Me- “….”
The crew-“…”
Oliver Gully- “We’re the fiercest pirates you ever did saw!…”
The song ended with pirates swinging from ropes overhead, cannon balls firing, and several small controlled fires (I hope) on the main deck. The men were all holding their poses, while clearly out of breath, waiting for my response.
“Ok here’s the deal,” I say after finally regaining my senses, “I will begrudgingly go along with this quest to retrieve your jewelry or whatever as long as you never sing that song to me ever again. But I am going to complain the whole time, and that’s non negotiable.”
Some of the pirates wore looks of dejection at your proposal, but Captain Gully walked up to me with a triumphant smile on his gingivitis riddled mouth.
“I be glad ye finally coming around, Minigan.” “Maybe we can go to my quarters and work out…. details of our arrangement,” he continued as he walked his fingers up my arm.
“Woah woah, stop right there,” I said, slapping his hand off of me, “You just sang me a song about how you all are riddled with lice and STDs. Why would I want to have sex with you?”
“Y’arr don’t know what ye be missing.” Gully smiled.
“And I would like to keep it that way,” I snapped, “Besides, if I were put my treasure in anyone here’s pirate cove, it would Handsome Tower Gabranth over there.”
Handsome Tower winked at me.
“It still ain’t happening, Tower. And I’ve been meaning to ask about the name “Tower.” What the fuck were your parents thinking?”
“Land Ho!” The pirate in the crows nest yelled, pointing ahead.
The islands I saw when I first opened my eyes were upon us now, the bowsprit pointing directly at the channel between the islands. The landmasses themselves were fairly large. From our position between them, I couldn’t see where they curved back. Large wooded lowlands stretched out from the channel on both islands to Rocky Mountains on the far ends that seemed to wrap around the edge to the sides the ship was located, creating a barrier from the outside world. Simply, this was a perfect place for a bunch of pirates to hide away and do their piratey bullshit.
“Since ye agreed to help us get what we be lookin’ for,” Captain Gully said as she slaps you on the back, “I suppose we explain where we are and where we’re headed.” He then yelled back at the crew that were bustling about on the main deck, “Handsome! Bring us the maps of The Archipelago of Voices and The Soundless Sound!” After a minute, Handsome Tower Gabranth and The pirate with two peg legs climbed up to the quarterdeck carrying two large rolls of parchment.
“Ah, Stumpy, can ye give Minigan Here the history of The Archipelago of Voices?”
“Wait, Freeze,” I say holding up my hand, “you call the only amputee crew member on your ship ‘Stumpy?”
“Yarr, he got that name from his ability to stump us when we play our weekly game of ‘Questions and Answers’” Handsome Tower explained, “He always asks the questions, and always manages to stump us.”
“So you got your nickname from Trivia?”
“Aye,” Stumpy replied in a voice far more sing-songy than what I was expecting for a weathered old pirate to have, “And I don’t appreciate you implying anything different.”
“Sorry”
Handsome Tower unrolled the first of the two maps.
“Anyway,” Stumpy continued after giving me a quick, cold glare, “Where we be headed to is called Last Words Cavern, and it be on one of the Roarin’ Isles.” “We be here.” He pointed to the channel between the largest two islands. “The safest route to Last Words Cavern is by maneuvering through The Shrieking Straits, then crossing The Soundless Sound, and by finally making our way through the shallow channels of the Roarin’ Isles.” He drew the route across the map with a dirty index finger.
“Wow,” I said as I studied the names on the map, “Whoever discovered this island chain really had their hearts set on a theme, amirite?!”
“It be no Theme, Minigan,” Captain Gully said, is gravely voice quiet with seriousness, “these islands were said to be created by Poseidon Himself, and He had Hermes lay many traps within the archipelago for mortals to fall victim to. The Soundless Sound’s name is accurate: not a peep from any creature, nor squeak of the ship deck, nor the churn in’ of the water below can be heard when one crosses The Sound. There also be tales of creatures beneath the waves that use that to their advantage. Many ships that set off across The Soundless Sound never finish the journey.”
“It is said that the Coaxin’ Cays to the north whisper to sailers to run aground where they either starve or be swept into the sea at high tide,” Handsome Tower Gabranth claimed.
“This just sounds like a bunch of tall tales to me,” I said with my eyebrow arched.
“Be that as it may,” Captain Gully said seriously, “But Last Words Cave will recite your last words to you. Over and over again. In your own voice. It drives men mad. I know ‘cause I’ve only dared enter once before. Didn’t make it but a few yards in before I turned tail and ran out.”
A heavy silence descended upon us for a few moments as we processed that information.
With a clearing of his throat to free us from our thoughts, Stumpy continued, “There be only 3 main and active settlements on the Archipelago: The Bay of the Bellows, The Port of Whispers, and Camp Cacophony. There was a fourth called Liar’s Valley, but every time the settlement was built, it always lead to the settlers killin’ each other until there was no one left. All that’s left are the ruins.”
“Well, this place sounds like a blast, it’s no wonder you kidnapped me and brought me here,” I said, my sarcasm nearly palpable.
“Listen Minigan,” Captain Gully explained, exasperation towards me creeping into his voice (good), “All we need from yeh is to get us the Green Bracelet of Aggressive Summoning from the pool of water in Last Words Cavern, and ye can get back to ye life in the future and we won’t be botherin’ ye again.”
I cocked my head at him. “The bracelet is called what now?”
“The Green Bracelet of Aggressive Summoning,” the three pirates said in unison.
“It grants the wearer to summon anything his heart desires to him immediately,” Stumpy explained.
I gave them a suspicious look, “And how can I trust that you won’t just summon me the next time you want something from me?”
“Ye can’t,” Oliver Gully smiled.
“Isn’t there some other magical relic I could help you get instead?” I pleaded, “maybe like some necklace that makes the wearer invincible?”
“Ah,” Captain Gully replied, “you mean the Necklace of invincibility!”
“Yes!”
“There’s no such thing.”
“Captain,” Stumpy whispered, leaning in close, “Minigan could help us find The eternal Necklace of Nightmares.”
“Yes,” I nodded, “I can.”
“Or the Shoes of Ruby Demons,” Handsome Tower added.
“That sounds like you want to rob a punk rock chick for her boots, but sure.”
“Or Mama’s Flake!”
“Sure!” I said, “Wait, Mama’s what?”
“Or the Ancient Bag of Curses!”
“Ok, now I’m sure you’re fucking with me, because there is no way that’s real. An ancient bag is the worst way to store curses.”
“Those all be real,” Captain Gully said, “But it don’t matter. We be retrievin’ The Green Bracelet of Aggressive Summoning, and this be the last I want to hear about it! Now we’re ‘bout to enter the Shrieking Straits, so Hurry up with the explanation, Stumpy, or I’ll maroon ye in Cackler’s Cove.
Handsome Tower unrolled the next map, a close up version of the one I just saw, this one focusing on The Soundless Sound. Stumpy explained that we would sail overnight across The Soundless Sound, and reach Last Words Cavern by midday tomorrow. “Now it be easy to run aground in the shallow channels of the Roarin’ Isles,” Stumpy added, “So we’ll be taken the ship as far in as we can before the four of us plus ’ Jimmy ‘Wooden Eye’ Blonde go the rest of the way in the rowboat.”
I suppressed a chuckle at the generic James Bond name.
“Is there something funny?” Stumpy asked.
“No,” I said, trying to keep my face neutral, “Please go on.”
“So we will get ye to the cave, but ye will be goin’ in on yer own.”
I grumbled to myself about how that is bullshit, but nonetheless agreed.
“Great!” Captain Gully proclaimed, “We’ll be enterin’ The Shrieking Straits soon, and not long after that, it will be The Soundless Sound. Handsome Tower, take Minigan below deck and teach him how to communicate usin’ the lanterns. He’ll be needin’ to know that when our voices be gone.”
Handsome Tower moved his eye patch back over to his other eye, and then lead me down into the belly of the ship. His muscular shoulders just squeezed through the narrow doors that lead down. As soon as the doors shut behind me, everything was swallowed by darkness, and I had to hold onto Handsome Tower’s shirt just so that I wouldn’t lose him until my eyes adjusted. We made it down two floors, the air getting heavier with the smell of gunpowder and rum with each step, when he finally stopped. As my eyes finally adjust to the dark, I found us standing in the middle of the cargo hold. Barrels lined the walls towards the bow of the ship, and at the stern sat stacks of wooden crates. In the center of the ship was a pile of metal rods and medieval looking canisters. Handsome Tower Gabranth lead me to them, picked up a metal rod and canister (which turned out to be a Shepard’s hook and a lantern) and handed them to me.
“This be how we communicate to each other on the The Soundless Sound,” He explained, “We light the candle inside, and we open and close the doors in a sequence to tell others important information.”
“Like Morse Code,” I replied, nodding.
“I don’t know what ye be talkin’ about with that ‘moors code.’ This be a code of our own invention.”
Over the next few hours, Handsome Tower taught me sequences for the letters and some common words. I picked it up quickly, and in no time, he and I were communicating entirely by flashing our lanterns.
“Ye are a quick study, Minigan,” he said with his lantern, “I’ve never seen anyone pick up Lanternspeak as fast as ye did.”
“Thanks!” I replied in Lanternspeak, “I’m surprised at how quickly I learned it too! I was awful at Spanish, so I never was interested in learning new languages after that. But I want to remind you, that I hate you all and I wish you just murdered me.”
He suppressed a smile.
“Well,” he replied with his actual voice, “we best be gettin’ back up on deck, we should be almost through The Shrieking Straits by now.”
He extinguished his candle and then mine before heading back up stairs. I followed.
As soon as I stepped onto deck, my eyes and ears were assaulted. My eyes by the blinding afternoon sun, and my ears by the head splitting shrieks that seem to be coming from all around me. Covering my ears with my hands, I stumbled blindly off to the side of the deck and fell into a pile of scratchy rope.
A tall form blocked out the sun and extended it’s arm out to me. It was Gabranth. He pulled me up with ease, despite the song claiming they were all borderline malnourished, and brought his lips to my ear so that I could hear him over the noise.
“Welcome to the Shrieking Straits!” He yelled.
God, did his breath smell terrible. It’s like morning breath and cheap alcohol.
“Where is the sound coming from?” I yelled back, and he lead me to the starboard side of the ship.
On the shore we’re hundreds upon hundreds of preteen girls, all standing at the edge of the water, jumping and climbing over each other screaming at the top of their lungs. As the ship moved along the Strait, the girls followed, running from one end of the crowd to the other, crying out and reaching towards the ship. Many of them had tears streaming down their faces. If all these details weren’t bizarre enough, not a single girl was wearing clothing that I would expect for the time period. Many were in Jean shirts and spaghetti strap tank tops, others in pants with enough extra fabric around the legs to act as parachutes. I could just make out the colorful plastic butterfly clips in some of their hair.
“What the hell?” I yelled to Handsome Tower.
He laughed, and pulled me back below deck, Captain Gully close behind. Once the doors where closed, I was once again plunged into darkness and silence.
“Yarr, ye see a lot of different types of people when ye be a time travelin’ pirate,” Captain Gully said in a amused tone, “but no group of people in history has more powerful lungs than a late 1990’s preteen girl, and only a few are as vicious.”
“They’d tear ye apart in a frenzy if you tried to walk onto the shores of The Straits,” Handsome Tower warned, “And thankfully this ship was built from the driftwood that crossed The Soundless Sound; Those waters make the wood soundproof.”
“Not so much of a ‘Tall Tale’ now, eh Minigan?” Captain Gully chided.
“Tower,” can you tell me where the captain is so I can punch him in his disgusting mouth?”
“Minigan, I forgot to give ye an eyepatch!” Handsome Tower Gabranth cried, “Ye need one if yer to be comin’ in an out of inside the ship. Yer be blinded otherwise.”
I spent the final hour or so of our trip through The Shrieking Straits within the ship, away from the army of preteen girls screaming like they’re at an N’Sync concert. As we got closer to The Soundless Sound, I helped Handsome Tower Gabranth and Stumpy carry the lanterns and Shepard’s hooks up from the cargo hold to the deck. I carried the last load up, sweaty and out of breath, the muscles in my legs burning like I just finished climbing up the side of a skyscraper.
When I exited to the deck with the last of the lanterns, we had finally exited the straits. The screams of the preteen girls were finally dying down, and I could see them piling at the edge of the shore jumping and screaming and crying for us to come back. Weird.
Ahead of us lay the dreaded Soundless Sound. It looked just like any other channel, the setting sun casting the sky in orange and pink that was reflected in the water. And then I saw it. A line- kind of. More like a barrier that was almost invisible. I couldn’t see it while looking straight ahead of the ship, but from an angle, the barrier was just perceptible, stretching high into the sky. I heard the cry of a bird and watched as an albatross flew overhead and towards the Soundless Sound. It continued its song until it crossed the barrier, and then it was like the music was swallowed by some giant creature. The bird flew on unharmed, but its call was gone.
The crew and I grabbed our lanterns and lit them, and moved to our designated locations. I was to stay on the quarterdeck with Stumpy and Handsome Tower as the Captain took his place at the front of the ship, barking orders to his crew. I watched in nervous anticipation as the ship sailed towards the barrier. Within a minutes we were upon it.
“Adjust those sails, Thorn, you scurvy-“The captain’s voice was gone, swallowed up just like the albatrosses call, and in only a few short seconds, the barrier was upon me. Being swallowed by a giant creature is the best description I can give for entering The Soundless Sound, but even that isn’t totally accurate. Maybe getting absorbed into a bubble? In any case, it’s not that you feel anything, but you are suddenly made aware of the absence around you. Yet at the same time, the lack of any sound, down to my heartbeat and my tongue moving in my mouth, was suffocating. Not helping was the dense fog that appeared around us as soon as we entered the Sound, obscuring everything around us in a fiery orange glow from the setting sun.
I looked to the pirates, who all seemed used to the situation and were setting up their lanterns. I followed suit. I lit the candle in my lantern and hung it from the Shepard’s hook. Despite the remaining sunlight, the lantern shown bright enough that I could read see the captain ordering a deck hand named Scully to climb the rigging and fix a fold on the main sail.
I moved my lantern to the port side railing, where my job was to be on the lookout for any creature that may attack the ship. I was the person with the least amount of sailing experience, and it seemed like a fairly easy job, so I only vocally complained about it four times.
We sailed across the sound well into the night, the fog blocking the stars from view and only letting in the ghostly white glow of the full moon shine through. I stared down at the dark, choppy water, squinting through the night and the fog for any kind of movement beneath the surface. My search went well into the night, only stopping when Handsome Tower Gabranth or Stumpy tapped on my shoulder and offered me food.
By what I figured had the be 3:00 AM, I had grown bored of my search, and had begun to doze off against the railing. With my head slumping to my side, my eyelids grew heavier and I drifted into sleep. That is, until I heard it.
“Ooh. Ooh. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.”
I jolted upright and looked around.
“Ooh. Ooh. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.”
“Did you hear that?” I flashed to Tower.
“Aye, I did,” he flashed back, “Keep an eye out for movement.
“I think I did it again/ I made you believe/ we’re more than just friends/ ooh baby…” a woman’s voice sang out from somewhere, although my ears couldn’t pinpoint where. It might have been the fog or just exhaustion, but it sounded like the voice could be coming from anywhere around the boat, both nearby or far away.
“Where is the voice coming from?” One crew member from the gun deck asked in Lanternspeak.
“Are we out of The Soundless Sound already?” Another lanternspoke from the main deck.
“It might seem like a crush/ but it doesn’t mean/ that I’m serious…”
“Man your stations men!” Captain Gully flashed feverishly, “We ain’t made it out of The Sound yet, and it sounds like we be havin’ company.”
“Cause to lose all my senses/ that’s just so typically me…”
I looked over the railing at the water. A silver fin slipped underneath the wave and under the hill of the ship.
“I spotted some kind of fish in the water!” I lantern spoke, “it looked big!”
“Ooh, baby baby…”
Suddenly, as I looked back over the railing, the silvery creature had returned, and with frightening speed, launched itself into the air and right at me.
“Oops I did it again/ I played with your heart/ got lost in the game…”
I jumped back far enough that the creature’s hands missed my neck as it passed, and I collapsed on the floor of the quarterdeck. I looked up and the creature was perched on the railing, balancing its long, heavy tail and its sleek torso. It had the figure of a woman, but with large, reflective scales covering her entire body up to her neck, where her pale skin began. Her eyes were large and mostly pupil, and her short wet hair stood up on end in messy spikes.
“Oh baby baby, oops you think I’m in love/ that I’m sent from aboooove/ I’m not that innocent.”
She jumped onto the deck and crawled to me. I pushed myself back with my feet and elbows, not taking my eyes off of the creature. She reached me in seconds, and her long webbed fingers wrapped around my ankle with surprising force.
Just then, Tower jumped over me and kicked hard at the creature’s side. She let out a shriek as she sailed down to the main deck, and slid to a stop near the main mast. Tower pulled me to my feet.
“You see my problem is this/ I’m dreaming away/ wishing that heroes, they truly exist…”
I looked to the rest of the ship, and saw the chaos. The creatures were on the main deck, dragging a couple crew members to the railing, pulling them over it and into the water. Captain Gully was fighting two of the creatures with his cutlass. With a dramatic flourish, he sliced the two of them a across their chests. They shrieked and fell back into the sea, and he flashed a single word to me across the ship: “Sirens.”
Hurriedly, I grabbed my lantern and flashed back, “Why are they singing ‘Oops I Did It Again’ by Britney Spears?”
Handsome Tower Gabranth, spun me by my shoulders to face him and, with a look of concern across his face, he said something to me with his mouth. Of course, I couldn’t hear him, but I could just make out what he said by reading his lips: “You know this song?”
“I cry watching the days/ can’t you see I’m a fool in so many ways…”
I nodded. He eyed me with curiosity before glancing across the battle on the ship to the captain, and then let go of me and handed me his cutlass.
“But to lose all my senses/ that is just so typically me/ oh baby, oh..”
The sirens launched themselves into the air again, and from their backs unfurled large fin like wings, translucent and thin, and began soaring around the ship. The continued to sing their song, and periodically would swoop down and grab one of the dazed crew members. I swung Handsome Tower’s sword as one dove at me, but the siren was as nimble in the air as the water and easily dodged it. And with a flick of her tail, she knocked the sword right out of my hand.
Well, fuck.
Thinking quickly, I grabbed the still burning candle out of my lantern and Stumpy’s rum canteen. I took a swig as the first siren to attack me flew around the masts and aimed her body at me. She dove. I waited until the right moment, and then sprayed the rum through the candle. The fireball erupted from the candle and engulfed the siren. She howled in pain as the fire singed her wings, and she careened out of control into another flying siren and back into the water.
Other pirates saw what I had done and quickly followed suit. The night was soon illuminated by dozens of fireballs, and the singing ended and was replaced by the screaming of the sirens. As we fought more of them off, more of the crew was able to get back to their stations and got to getting the ship back on course. Handsome Tower Gabranth spewed a fire ball at the last of the sirens, who plunged back into the icy water to extinguish herself, and the ship picked up speed to get out of the godawful sound.
Just as the the remains of the night began to blend with the pastel colors of the morning sky, we crossed the barrier out of the sound, and the noise came flooding back to my ears like a thunderous roar. The crew and I all cheered, clapped our hands, and stomped our feet, enjoying all the glorious sounds we could hear once again.
Now traversing through the narrow channels of The Roaring Isles, I gripped the railing, prepared for whatever roaring these isles do.
“What’s got ye so tense, Minigan,” Captain Gully said, slapping me on my back.
I jumped and nearly screamed. Then seeing who it was, I relaxed and said, “Sorry. I guess I’m waiting for the roaring to start.”
“What,” Gully asked before realizing and bursting into laughter, “No! These isles don’t literally roar, Minigan! They be known to be the home of a Roarin’ good time, but that be it.
“Captain,” Tower’s deep voice said from behind you both, “I need a word with ye.”They stepped away, and I busied myself by practicing with Handsome Tower’s Cutlass. I didn’t care enough to eavesdrop. It must have been heated, though, because the pair came back looking angry with each other.
“Get to the lifeboat,” Minigan, “Captain Gully ordered. We be heading the rest of the way to the cave in that.” “And yer are to come with us because that was the whole point of takin’ you in the first place!” He said that last part more to Handsome Tower Gabranth than me, and then stomped off to bark orders at his crew.
“What was that about,” I asked him. He didn’t say anything, but held out his hand for the sword. Disappointed that I couldn’t keep it, I relinquished it back to him, and he stormed off as well.
“Ye about ready to go, Minigan?” Stumpy asked as he walked up.
“Sure,” I said. “Hey, Stumpy, do you know what’s going on with The Captain and Handsome Tower? They seemed to have had a fight about me I think.”
Stumpy looked uncomfortable, which unwittingly confirmed my suspicion. I tried to press him but he hurried off, and I begrudgingly followed. The two haughty pirates and the one uncomfortable one were standing at the rowboat with the fourth and final pirate: Jimmy “Wooden Eye” Blonde.
He was the youngest pirate on the ship by at least ten years (depending on how accurate I was in assuming Handsome Tower Gabranth was about my age) and was probably in his early 20’s. He was tall and lanky, with a tan that was still part sunburn, and some light stubble just beginning to grow out of his face in spots. Judging by the tan lines, I assumed that his eyepatch was rarely removed from his right eye. His hair was greasy and brown, but it looked as though the sun was beginning to bleach it. “Nice that we finally get a chance to meet, Minigan,” he said in a surprisingly unpiratey voice, “The name’s Blonde, Jimmy Blonde.”
“Ok,” I said in a low voice as I lean towards him, “You’re just fucking with me, right? Like, you know what your name sounds like, and you purposely chose to introduce yourself that way.”
He turned the other three pirates and said, “He’s really weird.”
“He be from the future, Wooden Eye,” Captain Gully said, “He be sayin’ many things that make no sense. Just ignore it.”
The five of us climbed into the rowboat, but just before they began to lower it, I had an idea.
Telling them to give me a minute, I ran back down into the stow bay, grabbed a lantern and a handful of candles, and ran back up to the rowboat.
Our descent in the rowboat down the to water was tense, as Captain Gully and Handsome Tower Gabranth were refusing to acknowledge one another, but would periodically make sidelong glances at me as if I were the cause of this. But shit, Kirsten, none of this is my problem. I’m just trying to get their shitty jewelry so I could get back home to finish writing the well wish for your birthday. If they wanted to act like a pair of passive aggressive suburban dads trying to outdo each other’s barbecue chicken, I was going to let them. So I ignored the pair of them and talked with Stumpy and Wooden Eye as the latter and Handsome Tower rowed.
“We shouldn’t have brought him along,” Handsome Tower Gabranth warned, apparently finally unable to hold his tongue any longer, “I don’t think he be the Chosen one. We should send him back to his time.”
“And why ye think that?” Captain Gully snapped, turning on his bench to face his first mate, “Because yer feelings say so? Because he be not what ye be expectin’?”
“No!” Gabranth cried out more defensively than I think he meant, “He knew the siren song! No one’s ever heard the same siren song twice. That never be part of the prophecy! How do we know we got the right person?!”
“Yeah!” I interjected, “I’m just some guy! I’m not the chosen one, and frankly, I’m tired of everyone mistaking me for it.”
“You want to know why I know ye the Chosen One, huh?” Gully fumed at me. “Jimmy!” He barked, “Show the landlubber yer eye.”
Wooden Eye hesitantly lifted his eyepatch to reveal a wooden eye, polished to a glasslike glaze, with an intricate pattern of gold circling an embedded black gem.
“This eye is called ‘The Wooden Eye of Wondrous Knowledge’,” Wooden Eye explained, it was the first relic we went searching for when I joined the crew, and to prove my allegiance to the captain I sacrificed my eye to get it.”
“I take it ‘The Wooden Eye of Wondrous Knowledge’ isn’t just a terrible name and does in fact provide you with wondrous knowledge?”
“Aye,” Captain Gully answered, “Not only did it help Wooden Eye find the location of the bracelet, but he also used it to find you.”
“Jimmy, you son of a bitch,” I snapped him.
“I’m sorry!” He cried, “I was just looking for the person that the prophecy described- the one once undead, the one with the power to end the world, but the apathy to let it continue on. It showed me you.”
“But why do we trust the prophecy anyway!” Yelled Handsome Tower Gabranth yelled, slamming his paddle down and splashing Stumpy and I with water. “Sorry,” he added sheepishly as wiped the salt water off of my face.
I was going to reply with a playful ‘fuck you,” to hopefully ease some of the tension, but before I could, two arms wrapped around my chest from behind and pulled me into the water. The pirates cried out is surprise just before my head was submerged. I struggled against my new kidnapper, a vengeful siren, no doubt. I got a couple good kicks and elbow to the head in before I stunned them enough to let me go. Then, with all my strength, I swam. I didn’t know which direction I was going or where the rowboat and the pirates were in relation to me, but I didn’t care. I just swam.
When I finally kicked sand and knew I was close to shore, I stood up and ran to land. I saw a cave up ahead. And hearing the shouts of the pirates and whoever was attacking them not far behind me, I raced to the entrance of the cavern and stepped in. I didn’t have my lantern to light my way, which wasn’t ideal, but then again, the lantern could have given away my location in the cave to the pirates or my other kidnappers, so it was probably best I didn’t have it. I knelt down behind a stalagmite near the wall of the cave.
Wait… Stalagmites? Cave? Shit. Was I in Last words Cavern?!I listened. If Gully was being honest about the cave, I should hear my voice repeating my last words. One second passed. Then another. Then a few more. I let out a sigh of relief. Obviously, this is the wrong cave.“Minigan?” A familiar voice called from the mouth of the cave, “Are you in there? I though I saw you run this way, but you disappeared so quickly that I’m not sure.”
“#TheMouth” I called out against my better judgment, “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Minigan? Oh thank God!” #TheMouth said with relief before calling back to the beach, “Hey! I found him! He’s in this cave!”
I jumped out from behind the stalagmite and ran to the entrance of the cave just as Draxyl McGruntmuffin, Svetlana Lustnaughtlov, and the Sagittarius Quintuplets reached the mouth of the cave. On the beach, I saw Captain Gully and Wooden Eye swashbuckling (not the fun kind, the deadly kind) against The British Man with an Eyepatch, who was holding them back from reaching dry land. Handsome Tower Gabranth managed to get past The British Man and was sprinting to the mouth of the cave.
Just before he reached us, The Sagittarius Quintuplets spun around as one and formed a bubble around Handsome, which lifted him into the air.
“Ok that’s enough everyone,” I called to the pirates and mercenaries, “Let’s just cool off for a second.”
Picking up a small pebble in the sand, I threw it at Handsome’s bubble prison, which popped and dropped him twenty feet into the sand.
“Minigan!” He coughed, “Are ye ok?”
“I’m fine. I know these guys. They are my mercenary friends.”
“Minigan,” Draxyl started, “you slick son of a-“
“Draxyl was the one trying to rescue you off the boat, Minigan,” #TheMouth explained, “Why did you kick him in the dick?”
“Because I nearly got murdered by sirens, like, four hours ago,” I retorted, “and that’s still kind of fresh in my mind.” “Besides, you know what happen the last time you tried that, Draxyl.”
Handsome pushed past the mercenaries and up to me. “Minigan, don’t go in that cave.” The concern in his eyes was alarming.
“Why it’s just a cave,” there’s nothing really dangerous about it.”
“No.” Handsome said, his voice from, “That be Last Words Cavern. Please, do not step inside.”
“Don’t you be listenin’ to Handsome,” Captain Gully said as he approached with Wooden Eye and British Man, “He ain’t be right in the head this mornin’ I think the siren song scrambled his brains. Just enter the cave and come back with The Green Bracelet of Aggressive Summoning.”
“Again,” I said my patience wearing thin, “I just came out of the cave, and I didn’t hear a thing. This is the wrong cave.”
An awkward silence fell upon the eclectic group of people around me. “This is another one of those “chosen one” things isn’t it?”
No one answered, which gave me my answer.
I muttered to my self “son of a bitch, I am the lousy chosen one.” And turned around to renter the cave.
“Wait!” Handsome cried out, “I’ll be comin’ with ye. I don’t be carin’ about the spell on this cave. I won’t let ye go in there alone.”
“Me too!” #TheMouth cried out.
“Me too,” Svetlana wailing why trying her best to wrap her arms around me (I pushed her to the ground. Bitch always invade’s my personal space.) Soon the entire group of people had volunteered to join me in the cave.
“Minigan,” Draxyl laughed when it was his turn, “You slick son of a-“
“Let’s cut it with the chitter-chatter and find us that bracelet,” Captain Gully said.
He handed me the lamp. I lit the candles and lead the rag-tag group inside. This cave wasn’t all that impressive, honestly. No bats, no huge bugs, no ancient abominations to awake from its slumber. Just sand and limestone. The sound of my breathing and the sand crunching beneath my feet echoed off the walls. Noticing that those were the only sounds I heard, I turned around.
The pirates and the mercenaries were huddled together, cowering in fear of their own last words echoing in their ears. Draxyl, who is the toughest person I met (which is saying a lot about him because he is also a mime) was visibly shaking.
“Guys,” I sighed, “Just wait for me outside. I can handle this on my own.”
All of them ran screaming out of the cave, with Draxyl bringing up the rear looking like he was fighting with an umbrella.
I continued on for a little while as the cave slowly turned away from the opening, leaving me with only the light from my lantern. “This isn’t so bad,” I said aloud, “The whole trap in this cave is pretty lame. Why would it be so maddening to hear your own last words? My last words will probably something dumb and hilarious like, ‘I bet I could juggle those chainsaws.’” I then called out, “Hermes, you weak bitch, I want to hear my last words. I thought you were a god, not a coward.”
In hindsight, this was a mistake.
Almost immediately, a gust of wind barreled through the cave, enveloping me in hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of voices, all whispering and shouting and crying into my ears. I couldn’t pick out a single voice, they were all swirling around so fast. Frantically and foolishly, I swatted at the voices like they were flies, and when that didn’t work, I sprinted further into the cavern.
“I’m sorry, Hermes, I’m sorry! You aren’t a weak bitch!”
My foot got caught on something hard, and I tumbled forward and down a sandy slope. I rolled down the hill and landed in a shallow puddle. My lantern had got out, the flames inside extinguished by the water, but the chamber I found myself in was filled with an eerie green glow. I got up to my hands and knees, and found the source of the light: the bracelet in the center of the pool. I plucked it out of the water with no difficulty and examined it in my hands. It was fairly simple: a golden chain connecting seven green gems to one another, and each gem having a different symbol engraved on each. I slipped in on my wrist, wondering how I made it work.
“I summon, um, I dunno, a Granny Smith apple.”
Something hard and green rocketed out of the darkness and hit me square in the face. Once I finished rubbing the spot where it hit, I looked down to see a granny apple, freshly bruised, sitting at my feet in the sand.
This could be a useful thing to keep, Kirsten, why should I let these pirates keep it?
Smiling wickedly to myself, I said, “I summon a replica of The Green Bracelet of Aggressive Summoning, that has the power of summoning things, but only for a week.”
Something hard smacked into the side of my head. It was an identical bracelet. Shit, this real bracelet is good.
I returned to the mouth of the cave with the real bracelet in my pocket and the fake one held triumphantly over my head. As I exited, the pirates and the mercenaries crowded around me, cheering and hugging me. Someone grabbed my ass, and I slapped Svetlana’s hand away. She gave me a coy smile that I returned with a glare.
Captain Gully plucked the bracelet from my hand, and examined it carefully. “Who wants to do the honors of trying it out?”
“I already did. I summoned this apple,” I answered, hoping my nervous sweat wasn’t noticeable.
“Then it won’t be no issue to try again!” Gully shoved the bracelet onto Stumpy’s wrist.
Stumpy closed his eyes and shouted, “I wish to hold my lover Gloria’s fair hand again!”
Almost immediately, Stumpy was slapped across the face by a severed hand. Screams erupted from all of us.
I ripped the bracelet off Stumpy’s hand and pulled it in my wrist. “Bring the woman who was attached to that hand here!”
I dropped to the ground just was a woman in peasant’s garb flew over me and collided with the group of pirates. She writhed and screamed on the ground, clutching the bloody stump where her hand used to be.
“Sagittarius Quintuplets!” I yelled, “Reattach her hand!”
They placed their hands together, and a blue light pulsed from between their palms and the woman’s wrist. When the light finally dissipated, the woman’s hand was once again connected to her wrist, a fine blue line the only evidence of the accidental amputation.
“Right,” Gully said after a pause, “We’ll, as promised, I will return ye to yer time, Minigan. Yer friends can come along too. And ye might as well take Handsome here with ye as well, for he’ll be facin’ the plank for his betrayal if he stays.
The trip back to the ship and back to my time was uneventful. And as the ship left the mercenaries, Handsome Tower Gabranth, and I at the back door of my store I turned to the group. “Well, thanks for saving me, again, I guess. But I really wish we’d stop meeting like this.”
“Sorry that we kidnapped ye, Minigan,” Handsome Tower said, “but I’d like to make it up to ye.”
He quickly closed the distance between us and and handed me my phone back. Before I could thank him, he wrapped his muscular arms around me, pulled me in, and pressed his lips against mine. I was overcome by shock for a moment, but when I came to my senses, I pushed him away.”
“Ugh!” I cried as I spit his saliva out of my mouth, “when was the last time you brushed your teeth?! You taste like someone made a cocktail out of stale liquor and chum bucket remnants!” I turned to Draxyl and his team and ordered, “Take him with you and clean him up. Gross.”
I walked in through the wholesale door without another word to Draxyl and his team, and reached inside my pocket for the bracelet. It was gone.
“Son of a bitch!” I yelled out, turning to look out the window. Svetlana was there holding the bracelet in her hands. She then turned and ran off.
I found Tessa working boxes of liquor, her blond tipped hair done up in a ponytail on the top of her head.
“Minigan!” She cried nearly dropping a case of Crown Royal Regal Apple, “Where have you been!”
“What the fuck do you mean, ‘where have I been?’ You saw me get kidnapped by pirates yesterday!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she lied, “but that was actually three weeks ago.”
“WHAT?!?!”
So that is why, my dearest Kirsten, I didn’t wish you a happy birthday on your birthday. I hope you had a good birthday that was not filled with pirates and sirens attempting to murder you. And as for the well wish I wanted to give you, I never had a chance to write it all down. And thanks to the events of the past day (for me, 3 weeks for you) I don’t remember what I was going to say. Sorry!
Ramblings of a Madman 